When Nights Like These Come

When nights like these come

And you can't even study

When finals is less than a week away

And you have three to four things to juggle in the weekends

With another 50 slides left to go

And you're brain is just a bit too drain

When you've finally let loose of one of the things you love for the ultimate Love of which is Him

When you type on the phone

Trying to find ease

Trying to make sense

When your heart is pounding with ache

And it hurts, but you know you have to stay put

Ya Allah, this time around

I am completely clueless of my future

So I pray only to You

To show me

To guide me

To strengthen me

In the path you ease the most

Nak syurga

Nak balik

Tak larat

:(

Hummingbird yang Ihsan

*blows off dust*

*coughcough*

Subhanallah dahsyat sangat debu kat blog nih. Haha.

Alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah for finally being granted the strength to finally write back again in this canvas of mine. No excuses this time, it's just me not trying to make enough effort to write in here and make this medium useful for my betterment in sowing good deeds for akhirah.

*smiles*

The title is something I have thought of for almost three weeks ago after hearing Tafsir Surah At-Tin from a fellow sister and presenting it myself. 

Hummingbird?

A small petite bird measuring at most around 13cm with a minimum weight of less than 2.5 g - which I bet is lighter than the ceramic mug I use to drink water daily (obviously). It's called 'humming' because of the sound of its wings flapping at high speed allowing it to fly at about 54km/h. Great a bird is it not? Subhanallah. :)

Ihsan?

The act of worshipping Allah as though one sees Him, or if unable to do so, as though Allah sees him. One of the concept explained by Rasulullah when Jibril came over to ask him in the form of a man in front of all the sahabahs. The story is told in the 2nd hadith from the compilation of 40 Hadith by Imam Nawawi. Read it up and take some time to ponder on it, better to read the explanation in any Syarah Hadith to get a better grasp and insight, feel and understanding. :)

Hummingbirds are really wonderful creatures and like all other birds, go out in the morning with no clue of whether they will get any food for the day yet truly believes they will - hence the hadith;

"Akan masuk ke syurga orang-orang yang hati mereka seperti burung."

(Riwayat Muslim)

Just because they are small it does not mean that they work any less than other birds to find their supply of food in the morning - physical does not limit capability and responsibility. This small bird reminds me of burung Hud-Hud in the story of Prophet Sulaiman with the Queen of Saba' in which Hud-Hud who was given a death warning due to his late presence in the royal court, was actually off scouting a region that has yet to follow the teachings of Islam. And so he came to Prophet Sulaiman and informed him of this finding which became the beginning of a conquest to the palace of the Saba' Queen and the embrace of Islam towards her whole region of reign.

Tough bird aite?

Thinking at how hummingbirds and Hud-Hud do their pre-destined job without fail makes them become my favourite in the Animal Kingdom - triumphing against pandas due to their nature that are far more fascinating that those cute for legged black-and-white creatures.

وَمَا مِن دَابَّةٍ فِي الْأَرْضِ إِلَّا عَلَى اللَّهِ رِزْقُهَا وَيَعْلَمُ مُسْتَقَرَّهَا وَمُسْتَوْدَعَهَا ۚ كُلٌّ فِي كِتَابٍ مُّبِينٍ

And there is no creature on earth but that upon Allah is its provision, and He knows its place of dwelling and place of storage. All is in a clear register.

(Hud,11:6)

Hummingbird yang Ihsan. That's what I want to be. Tawakkal to the max, usaha to the max.

Doakan.

Cinta dan Kesetiaan

Jujur, ini adalah kalam luah rindu. Buat mereka yang paling dekat, sehingga mereka yang paling jauh. Buat yang pernah dilihat dan tidak kan mampu dilihat. Buat yang disayangi dan dikasihi, buat seluruh dunia.

Ingat tak dulu kawan-kawan, waktu kita bersengkang mata duduk sehingga jam 1-2 pagi semata-mata untuk plan perjalanan daurah adik-adik. Waktu kita sama-sama crack fikir macam mana nak cater batchmates and bawa mereka semakin dekat dengan kita - agar terpercik juga cinta Allah yg kita membuak-buak rasa, bukan semakin mencipta jurang antara budak 'usrah' dgn mereka yg lain. Waktu kawan-kawan risaukan kita dan suruh kita tinggalkan jalan nih, waktu mak ayah kata fokus study tak perlu nak ikut program, waktu cikgu pandang serong kita lambat hantar IA. Tapi kita tetap pergi program; daurah, usrah, jaulah, syuro, kita cuba hadir. Dan pada masa yang sama, kita bertarung habis-habisan dengan diri kita - melawan nafsu dan syaitan yg membisikkan kita untuk kembali kebelakang, lari, hilang, takyah duduk dah dengan orang-orang nih. Bila mana label 'usrah' dicanang-canang sebagai ekstrem, bila kita sendiri terpedaya dan hanyut dibuai arus norma kehidupan jahiliyah. Ingat tak lagi kawan-kawan?

Ingat tak lagi waktu kita tidur di Masjid Putra bertemankan akhwat kiri kanan, didalam rumah Allah yang begitu tenang. Walau sibuk dan gundah dengan pelbagai ujian, kita rasa cukup gembira dalam tiupan ketenangan angin kipas  yang kadang-kadang kena, kadang-kadang tak dirasa pun langsung. Kita makan dalam talam, kita bergurau di taman UKM, kita tolong kakak naqibah memasak waktu daurah, kita picit kawan sebelah sebab tersengguk-sengguk waktu pengisian. Best kan? 

Bila fikir balik, banyaknya ujian dan kegembiraan yg Allah bagi kepada kita. Kenapa ye kita susah-susah ikut jalan tarbiyyah nih? Boleh je kan untuk kita duduk di rumah seperti orang biasa. Boleh je kan untuk kita bersenang lenang browse Amazon, Ebay, Online Shops, IGs dan pilih barangan apa yang kita nak untuk belanja diri sendiri bulan ni. Boleh je kan untuk kita terus menonton drama kegemaran kita dan hanyut dengan movie marathon pada hujung minggu. Boleh je. Pilihan itu ada. 

Tetapi kenapa ye susah-susah?

Kenapa ye nak sangat merantau jauh-jauh nak dengar pengisian 3 jam yang boleh je dgr online tanpa gangguan at the comfort of your home?

Kenapa ye nak sangat pergi ajak orang yang nampak macam nak tak nak je kenal Islam dan penciptaNya?

Kenapa ye susah payah tukar imej, jadi ustazah pilihan pakai baju labuh semua ye?

Kenapa ye memilih untuk jadi lain daripada yang lain dan sanggup menahan jarak beza minda dan fikrah ye?

Kenapa ye sanggup letakkan diri dihadapan untuk dihukum oleh pandangan manusia yang hanya tahu mencari keburukan dalam perubahan diri?

Kenapa? Why?

Jawapannya...

Adalah CINTA.

Kerana kawan, teman, sahabat,

Kita buat semuanya kerana cinta.

Inilah bukti cinta kita kepada Allah, inilah bukti kesetiaan cinta kita kepada Dia.

Inilah bukti cinta kita pada Rasulullah, pada dakwah baginda, pada aspirasi baginda.

Inilah bukti cinta kita pada umat, pada mak ayah kita, pada adik beradik kita, pada guru-guru kita, pada kawan-kawan kita yang lain.

Kita nak masuk syurga, kita nak jumpa Allah dan Rasulullah, kita nak bawak semua orang masuk syurga. Manakan mampu cinta itu dibuktikan tanpa pengorbanan, tanpa cubaan berkali-kali walau gagal, tanpa usaha sehabis baiknya. Syurga itu bukankah tingkatan yang terlalu tinggi jika mahu dicapai dengan ala kadar sahaja.

Dakwah ini adalah cinta, dan kita hanyalah manusia biasa. Salah silap itu suatu lumrah, kita kan terus belajar sentiasa sehingga akhir hayat. Tetapi jangan pernah kita putus asa; terhadap diri sendiri, terhadap orang sekeliling, terhadap binaan-binaan kita, terhadap dunia, terhadap rahmatNya. Marilah ambil contoh kesetiaan cinta Rasulullah yang mana hampir segalanya ditarik oleh baginda tetapi tidak pernah ia berhenti mencintai dan membuktikan kesetiaan cintanya pada Allah.

Jujur, aku rindu kalian semua. Aku rindu Rasulullah dan para sahabat. Aku rindu pada Allah.

Jujur, aku mahu jua kalian memahami kegembiraan ini. Kemanisan bersama semata-mata kerana Dia. Kemanisan mengetahui hakikat kehidupan dunia untuk capai akhirat sana, kemanisan berjuang mencapai redhaNya. Kawan, sudah-sudahlah tutup mata dan melarikan diri ye. 

Ayuh kita nyalakan obor kita, dan sama-sama melangkah membuktikan kesetiaan cinta padaNya.

:')

Perkhabaran dari Jauh

If there's one thing that I'd like to say to them was how I miss them so much and how wonderful it would be to have them around, just present nearby.

If there's one thing that I'd like to say to her was how I miss her laughter and funny smile, her annoying nags and her careful wisdom. I'd pray for her well-being and comfort in that life; a life I am certain to be a part of sooner or later.

If there's one thing that I could convey was how lucky and blessed I am to be granted such wonderful educators - some being relatives near and far, some being total strangers that entered my heart and left a mark so deep it rendered impossible to ever be erased.

Being here so far away from home, puts alot of things into perspective. Being here so far away from comfort, allows me to not only progress but also grow with the surroundings never allowing it to dampen the fire burning to reach mardhatillah. 

Ya Rabb, I am truly blessed with the many gifts You have bestowed upon my weak self. I am far from perfection yet You continue to bless me, providing sustenance and ease throughout all that I had to endure.

If there was one thing I could do for the ummah, I would continue on this path and spread His love and kindness in the things I do. Aiming high to bring back our beuatiful Islam - Rasulullah's message of peace from Allah, to the entire world.

Doakan ye?

True capabilities

Salam alaikum. 

Been a while since I've written here. Ages probably, dust accumulating everywhere - if my blog was a solid object that has been stored at the end of the room. Currently am trying to lay out priorities, probabilities and methods of managing life. It's one of the easiest past time I have for it takes only my conscious brain to map out the many things I'm thinking of though it takes alot of glucose to be processed in order for sufficient energy allocation to the numerous parts of my brain.

Now this is a message I'm sending firstly to myself and to everyone living on earth secondly,

"You will never know how strong you can be unless you challenge yourself to the extreme."

Being cautious is good but moving away from our area of comfort allows us to explore the world and experience a multitude of strengths we never thought we have. The adventure in discovering our inner capabilities holds more than just personal satisfaction, it brings about an amazing spiritual journey back to Allah.

*senyum*

I am genuinely speaking from experience and again, have been test countless times by Allah about this stand I have. And I believe Allah will keep on testing me till my last breath because that is what this world is made for, a test for the believer. So that we'd anticipate the hereafter, a place so serene and tranquil it will definitely beat the scenery of hot air balloons in Cappadocia.

Fafirru ilallah. Fasabrun jameel. Fastabiqul khairat. Fatawakkal alallah.

Because with Allah, we really are capable of the impossible. :)

Pernahkah

Pernahkah kau sudah terlalu lelah mengulangi dosa kecil, yang mana ia hampir memberi manifestasi kepada dosa besar?

Teman

Jika tiada keberatan

Mohon doakan aku?

Keteguhan

At-Taubah, 9:119

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا اتَّقُوا اللَّهَ وَكُونُوا مَعَ الصَّادِقِينَ

O you who have believed, fear Allah and be with those who are true.

Among the many things

It's quite silly - if not annoying - how I am still trying to make ends meet between my former self with the me now, when I am already definitely aware of the distinct clear cut between what I should do and what I want to do. Every time I am face with such a dilemma, I cannot help myself but to use the idea that "People regret more not taking chances rather than making mistakes." Although this is how we picture the best method of learning to be, 'learning from your mistake' might not always be the smartest decision to make when you are conscious of the consequences your actions might bring.

I am very weak. And for the past 3 years in my life, I have made favours more than I can return them. And believe me, the prospect of asking for help when I know I can push myself harder, is never healthy in the long run. Allah countlessly reminded me of the many occasions in which I should have done A instead of doing B. That instead of my own happiness, I should do what He pleases and what better way to gain peace of mind than knowing you did what was right despite facing a temporary ache that will fade away by His will.

There is so much I wish to do, be and discover in this world. But among the many things I have encircling my mind every now and then is to follow His guidance fully - something I struggle with since day one of living. Ya Rabb, it is indeed a strenous, tiring, exhausting, painful life being here in Dunya, but I am sure that if there is any reward of comfort, luxury and ease will always, and only be, given in the Gardens of Paradise - Jannah. 

I pray all our amal are accepted, and may they be the best we can give to Him in order to even smell a tinge of what Paradise holds.

Ameen.

Kau Tak Tahu

Kau tak tahu

Yang memakai purdah itu 

Sebenarnya lemah dalam menahan matanya dari memandang

Kau tak tahu

Yang menghafal Quran itu 

Sebenarnya mudah terjatuh dalam lubang kegelapan maksiat

Kau tak tahu

Yang memakai tudung labuh itu

Sebenarnya seringkali digoda untuk mencampakkan maruah dirinya ke tanah

Kau tak tahu

Yang memberi tazkirah itu

Sebenarnya lebih diuji percakapannya dan masa lapangnya

Kau tak tahu

Ujian mereka

Nasib mereka

Dalam cubaan mempertahankan iman yang tinggal secebis cuma

Kau cuma tahu melabel

Mengherdik

Mempertikaikan

Memandang kolot

Segala usaha mereka

Dan akhirnya mencapai konklusi

"Kau orang semua hipokrit."

Hakikatnya kami melakukan semua yang kami lakukan ini kerana kami teramatlah lemah. Tanpa bacaan Quran, kami tewas. Tanpa iringan mathurat, kami longlai. Tanpa bulatan taman sorga, kami hilang arah. Kerana syaitan itu sangat kuat bisikan dan godaannya, kerana syaitan itu sangat licik dalam setiap langkah perangnya. Doakanlah kami, doakanlah kita semua. Sudah terlalu lama syaitan jahiliyah bermaharajalela, sudah terlalu lama manusia dibiar tiada bersama.

Maafkan aku, teman dan rakan. Bukanlah aku mahu berbangga dengan tudung labuhku, bacaan Quranku, mahupun fikiran Islamiku yang serba cetek ini. Sebab jujur aku kata, ujian aku terlalu berat untuk diungkap kata-kata dan jika diluahkan, pasti seisi dunia kan menghina aku tanpa kenal erti lelah. Maka teman dan rakan, sahabatku yang ku amat kasihi keranaNya....

Doakanlah aku.

Doakanlah umat ini.

Sebagaimana nazak aku rasa imanku kini berada, lagi nazak umat yang sudah bergelumang dengan norma jahiliyah yang fana.

Jatuh Bangun

Tuhan itu Maha Mengetahui segala sesuatu. Aku dan kau tiada mampu untuk menetapkan apa-apa dalam hidup kita kerana Tuhan itu adalah sebaik-baik penyusun. Dan Tuhan itu adalah yang memberi keputusan sedangkan kita hanyalah manusia lemah, tiada daya untuk menolak ketentuanNya.

These days I end up losing most of my sanity in fighting myself. Simply because I am far from the 'Gardens of Paradise' and my parents do not look at it as any significant aspect that can sustain my 'life' at all. *sigh* Losing myself one way or the other is also my own decision to blame because of all the things I did, none were beneficial enough to protect myself. I can give out a gazillion effectors to blame on my current state. However, to list out the many reasons and factors wouldn't be smart would it?

This has got me thinking that I have been far too childish in my approach to battle my inner nafs. I keep on trying to find an external solution to something that is sprouting from within me. The evil that is to blame is none other than me, myself and I. To me, nobody can actually understand you wholly. Some people can understand you in one aspect, while the other person can understand you in ten aspects. One person can get why you chose purple instead of yellow, while the other person just goes insane belittling even the thought of having to chose colours in buying a water bottle. And these are just simple examples to all the daily dramas we have to face every single day in our human lives. True, there are people who get you so well that they potentially hit the title 'Soulmate' in your life dictionary, but to be honest, we still do keep secrets from the closest of people we have around us because we are afraid that at the end of the day, our 'Soulmate' will fail to be our 'Soulmate' because nobody can actually love you unconditionally without bashing your head to the wall several times. (This is just an expression; an over-exaggerating one)

So, this place is kept sacred to only one entity that knows ALL of our weaknesses and carelessness, acknowledge ALL of our stupid mistakes and tolerates with ALL our ignorant behaviour, yet is still so loving, kind and forgiving. And who else can take the spot other than Allah?

What you don't believe me?

"Allah hendak memberikan keringanan kepadamu, kerana manusia diciptakan bersifat lemah." (4:28)

"Sungguh, manusia diciptakan bersifat suka mengeluh. Apabila dia ditimpa kesusahan dia berkeluh kesah." (70:19-20)

"Sesungguhnya mereka itu mencintai kehidupan (dunia) dan meninggalkan hari yang berat (hari kiamat) dibelakangnya." (77:27)

See? Doesn't He know alot about us already? How we're so messed up and problematic. Yet why is He still compassionate?

"Katakanlah, 'Wahai hamba-hambaKu yang melampaui batas terhadap diri mereka sendiri! Janganlah kamu berputus asa dari rahmat Allah. Sesungguhnya Allah mengampuni dosa-dosa semuanya. Sungguh, Dialah Yang Maha Pengampun, Maha Penyayang." (39:53)

*cries slow tears*

Don't you think that it's just too much to act so bad when Allah is so, so, incredibly kind?

For many years, I have been blinded by the fact that nobody cared deeply nor truly understand all the battles I had to face. But every time I come to the Quran or let myself weep on the praying mat, only then did I find my true friend, my soulmate, my one and only, my beloved - Allah. It is a daunting prospect writing this when I, myself am not truly holding on to every piece of word I write. Kerana fitrah manusia itu jatuh dan bangun, fitrah iman itu yazid wa yanquz, fitrah hati itu mudah berbolak-balik. Maka saya tujukan bingkisan ini bukan pada sekalian manusia, tetapi pada hati dan diri saya sendiri because reminders benefit the believers.

"Katakanlah, 'Jika kamu mencintai Allah, ikutilah aku, nescaya Allah mencintaimu dan mengampuni dosa-dosamu.' Allah Maha Pengampun, Maha Penyayang."

(3:31)

"Berlarilah kembali kepada Tuhanmu sayang."

Past Affairs

It has been 6 years since I last smelled the air in Terengganu, buried my feet inside the sand and set foot at my previous alma mater; MRSM Kuala Terengganu. Permusafiran kini akan berakhir dengan hanya aku mengimbau kembali sejarah lama yang aku sendiri tidak pasti mampu atau tidak untuk menggerakkan aku kembali. Setiap ceruk di maktab lama itu tersimpan seribu satu memori zaman hingusan aku bersama Syasya, Mcha, As, Ain, Pieyah dan Aina.

To be honest, I think I have changed so much from the me before and it's enough for me to know what it is that I have become compared to who I was in my yesteryears. August itself is a very hectic month, having to juggle both emotionally and critically with the many events scheduled I am not sure if I am ready to go back yet. The thought is daunting everytime I have to think about it, though I am not panicking over anything petty. Just the normal anxiousness that it's less than a month till I arrive back in Dublin to resume my duties as a medical student. To talk about tarbiyyah is another thing altogether when it comes to what I am going through and to think that I've got it all covered is a mistake I made too soon during this summer holiday.

Some questions are answered, some are left hanging. New questions emerge and past confusions are kept neatly for another day till it can finally be solved. I am not whining, I am not even making a point for others to pity me. But how I wish I knew how to stop being childish and stand firm on my two feet without having to lose the many happiness I have  around me.

Tuhan, adakah sebenarnya istidraj segala kebaikan yang kau beri ini? Adakah sebenarnya aku sebagai hambaMu ini telah terlalu jauh sehinggakan masa lampauku datang menghantuiku kembali? 

All in all, I know these are mere delusions trying to pull my leg down and my heart apart from becoming firmer in this chosen path. I pray Allah grant us ease and strength in all the goodness that we try to spread in order for Islam to finally regain its rightful name and glory.

Ameen.

Untuk selamanya

10 Jun 2015

Kediaman Aminudin Baki

0721

Semalam dalam lingkungan jam 1745 atau lebih awal daripada itu, maktok telah pergi buat selamanya dari dunia sementara ini - menghadap hidup seterusnya di alam sana. Pada ketika aku sangka mampu menulis satu lagi coretan menceritakan karenahnya dirumah, coretan pemergiannya pula yang menjadi pengakhir kalam aku.

Pagi-pagi kami tidak akan pernah sama tanpamu maktok. Isi rumah kami akan berbeza kini. Moga kau tenang di alam yang lagi satu dan moga Allah ketemukan kita dalam kalangan mereka yang beriman.

Amin, amin, ya rabbal alamin.

Ikramul Kareem

6 Jun 2015

0137

Wad Geriatrik U13

Jam sudah menunjukkan bahawa tanggal 5 Jun telah berakhir sejam yang lalu dan aku kini sedang duduk diatas kerusi melihat nenekku yang sedang buas meragam diatas katil menahan geram atau sakit, itu aku tak tahu. Tangan kirinya diangkat, dihayunkan dan digesel ke arah bantal, katil dan besi penghadang tanpa mampu dijangka momentumnya. Kini maktok mula mengerang kesakitan sambil memanggil 'Mak, mak, mak!' Jeritannya yang terakhir begitu lantang, namun aku pasti jiran pesakit lain sudah lali dengan karenahnya. 

Maktok akan di-discharge-kan esok kata doktor. Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal, aku menghela nafas panjang melihat maktok mula menggerak-gerakkan tangannya kesana kemari seperti ingin menghalau lalat yang hinggap di pangkal lengannya. Melihat keadaan maktok sekarang yang semakin kuat menjerit, memekik dan memarahi orang sekelilingnya, dia bukan lagi nenekku yang dahulu.

Delirium.

Itu kata doktor tentang keadaan nenekku sekarang. Sangkaanku dementia with some hallucinations tapi aku tidaklah pakar untuk terus membuat diagnosis terhadap nenekku yang usianya sudah menginjak angka 90. Lagu Ikramul Kareem nyanyian UNIC berkumandang di telinga, aku buat sebagai teman aku pada malam ini untuk berjaga melihat maktok agar tangannya tidak lagi terlanggar besi sejuk yang menghadang sisi kiri, kanan dan atas katilnya. 

Melihat nenekku yang sedang mengeluarkan bunyi yang tidak dapat ditafsirkan itu diselangi lagu CintaMu nyanyian Hani & Zue, tiba-tiba aku teringat bahawa lagu Ikramul Kareem yang bakal dimainkan playlist telefon bimbitku sudah setahun sudah aku kenali. Hampir setahun sudah aku tidak ketemu Suhana dan Fatihah. Hampir setahun sudah aku tidak duduk bergurau dengan Atiq dan Hana Jackney. Hampir setahun Liyana Osman tidakku tenyeh pipi dan peluk kuat. Hampir setahun aku tidak duduk makan talam dengan pasukan crack-otak-buat-dan-pergi-program-fikir-pasal-keadaan-batch-dan-adik-adik-macam-takde-exam-IB-kena-amek. Rindu. Sungguh. Amat.

Pada kesunyian waktu malam ini aku tahu bahawa penemanku tatkala suka duka yang sentiasa ada hanyalah Dia. Dan dalam pencarian hakikatku dalam kehidupan dunia ini, Allah kurniakan aku mereka. Mereka yang sama-sama lentok kepala semasa bacaan tasbih mathurat kubra di pagi hari, mereka yang picit-picit bahuku tatkala aku terjatuh 'pengsan' semasa taujihat akak-akak dan ustaz, mereka yang menyuapku nasi-biskut-kuih-kek dan segala juadah yang Kak Farah bawa ketika usrah atau semasa daurah. Ya Tuhan, sungguh nikmat kau itu tiada batas. Dan indahnya ikatan itu bukanlah pada kemanisannya sahaja, tetapi pada curhat malam-malam bersama mereka, syuro pecah kepala susun isi daurah, takaful kongsi bayar duit tambang bersama untuk yang tak mampu, perjalanan balik jaulah yang mencabar, semuanya terlalu berharga.

Bantal maktok sudah dua yang dia mahu jatuhkan. Ubatnya tidak aku beri sepenuhnya sebab dia separa sedar dan cubaan awalku tidak berjaya kerana dia hanya membuka mulutnya, tetapi lidah dan tekaknya menolak isi ubat itu ditelan. Susu Ensure perisa coklat tiga paket itu juga tidak disentuh lagi walau satu kerana maktok nampaknya hanya mahu menari diatas katilnya dan bukan menerima apa-apa untuk dimasukkan ke dalam perut.

Nampak gayanya tiada tidur buatku malam ini kerana aku khuatir dalam tarian maktok itu dia akan terjatuh tersembam ke bumi. Mungkin 10-15 minit memadai untuk buat cukup syarat mampu solat tahajjud, boleh aku luahkan rindu pada Tuhan. Biarlah sudah banyak beza arah perjalanan hidup kami, biarlah walau mungkin tidak mampu ketemu lagi, temukanlah kami dibawah naunganMu dan jadikanlah kami mereka yang bertemu dan berpisah keranaMu.

Wahai Tuhan yang membolak-balikkan hati, tetapkanlah kami pada jalan agamaMu.

Phosphenes: Prologue

APG's recent blogpost read, IKIM on her earphones; some random poem being recited with the background sound of lapping water and melodious piano, it was already 1 am in the morning. 2 weeks. 2 weeks since touchdown, 2 weeks since she's been breathing fresh air, 2 weeks since homecoming with so much in mind - besides being confined to a 4 wall compartment with a sliding door as the only way to move out of the claustrophobic room dismissing the windows to prevent any suicidal attempt of freedom.

It has been 14 days since her arrival back home from the land of Shamrock and pot o' golds at the end of the rainbow. On the hospital bed, she wriggled her legs and arm. 'Istikharah Cinta' by Sigma was being played that night. Not her favourite song really - the whole lovy dovy part of nasyid songs never was the best part of why she had changed to this pallete of tunes but it was better than some vulgar, sex-craving, typical mainstream songs on the global music charts. 

"If good dudes only want pure as white , innocent and angelic girls then I bet I'll never find myself good husband would I?"

She sighed, glancing at her drip on the right side still intact on her skin giving way for NaCl to flow inside her veins to maintain her blood pressure. It was a 'great' way to begin her summer holidays; being stuck inside a cubicle with three other girls, a BP monitor strapped on her left arm and ECG electrodes on her chest still yet to be removed. The worst part of the 'great' vacation package away from home is that she could not get her eyes to close at all when it's already late at night.

'Haish, tidurlah cepat badan oi. Kang tak larat bangun qiam. Nak kena panggil nurse lagi tolong bawak pergi tandas ambil wudhu'. Hmmmm.'

Ustaz Pahrol Juoi is continuing his lecture explaining how wealth, fame, power and women are all of the worldly Dunya and how that brings us to the many crimes that are occuring worldwide. He then adds up that as Muslims, we should shift our mind to focus on to the love of Akhirah and not the love of Dunya. Quoting Dr Yusof Qardawi, 'Mencintai syurga bukan maksud meminggirkan Dunia tetapi menggunakannya untuk mencapai akhirat itu.'

Flashes of the past came back to her mind as she started to remember who and what she was back then.

'A rebel. Selfish snob. Kedekut. No goody-goody-two-shoes. No tudung labuh macam ustazah pilihan.'

She then slowly reached towards her hijab, slightly pulling a small portion of the cloth upward so that she could have a look at it. A view of her long grey lycra, instant hijab that covered her head and chest came into sight and suddenly a small smile curved against her light brown skin. Although it was bedtime, because they had male attendants running around doing their duties in the ward, she still had to cover up properly. No kind of 'darurat' when you can still maintain your sanity and having functioning limbs.

'Lain, beza. Aku dulu, aku sekarang. That was me, this is I. Bunyi macam ayat Dania Dashrin sudehh. Haha."

As the night continue to slowly move at its pace following the fitrah Allah set it to be, Insyirah closed her eyes and positioned herself properly on bed, ensuring that her drips were out of way so that no bodily fluid would spill on her mattress when she doze off to sleep that night. Tomorrow is her day of discharge and although she'll be having blood transfusions daily for the next five days in the hospital, at least home wouldn't be as dreary as her cubicle now.

'Dunia itu sebagai alat. Akhirat itu sebagai matlamat' Ustaz Pahrol's voice was heard near her last brink of consciousness before she was taken away to deep slumber.

Our Syahadah

I have a great friend. And she writes beautiful words. I might as well can say that she's as close to me as Hlovate is. Her words bring about a smile in my face indescribable every time I open her blog to see how life is for her.

To me, words are magical. They tell tales far too subtle for the eyes to observe and the mind to guess. Writing and reading are my favourite past time and once I get my hands on a good book and an incredible idea to write, nothing else would stop me from getting myself into those two - except maybe, a slight hint of procrastination.

*slight laugh*

This friend of mine talks about tarbiyyah like it means the life to her and as far as I am concern, that also is what Hlovate tries to display in his/her writings. And it should be. Shouldn't a life that rescued you from the depths of hellfire and puts you into the light after darkness be a life to cherish the most?

It's a remarkable feeling to view many of my friends slowly 'growing' up to be the rijals we all wanted to become once upon a time together; only before we were probably too scared to take the first step. And now, being miles away from home, I believe we have developed much courage to get into the game like Dania Dashrin after a year in Aberdeen.

To this girl who writes at unprecentedsoul.blogspot.com (check her out people!) and so many other friends of mine who write the most beautiful captions on Instagram and sharings on Facebook (even if it's copy paste), know that you have touched my heart and if Allah wills, I would want to be the witness for your syahadah.

Will you be mine?

Pergi

1 Jun 2015

0504

Wad Geriatrik U13

Pakcik dihadapan katil maktok sudah pergi. Daripada susuk gaya salah seorang anak lelakinya, nampak betul sangkaan aku itu. Awal pagi semasa aku hendak pergi meletakkan kerusi tidurku di bilik stor, aku bertanyakan khabar atuk itu kepada cucunya.

"Tak berapa bagus. Tunggu masa tutup mata sahaja."

Dua orang jururawat yang bertugas malam ini sedang melakukan sesuatu disebalik tirai dalam cubicle atuk berbangsa Cina yang umurnya sudah lanjut seperti usia nenekku. Cuma, beza maktok dan atuk itu ialah sementara maktok masih lagi mampu mengeluarkan bunyi dari bibirnya, atuk itu sudah sunyi sepi. Tiada lagi gerak tangannya seperti waktu petang tadi semasa dia dipindahkan ke cubicle HDU (high dependency unit) bersama kami bertiga. Maktok yang sudah stabil keadaan sepatutnya dipindahkan ke cubicle belakang, tetapi disebabkan keadaan atuk; penghuni baru cubicle HDU terlalu kritikal, maka ditangguhkan dahulu perpindahan maktok. 

"I wonder if working in the hospital, you get so used to all these deaths occuring."

Itu soalan kakak Abang Leong pada aku semasa kami menunggu masa untuk masuk kedalam cubicle malam semalam. Semasa atuk melalui Code Red, tidak dibenarkan sesiapa selain doktor dan jururawat untuk masuk kedalam cubicke itu. Maka kami; penjaga shift malam pun terpaksa tunggu diluar. Mahu saja aku menjawab tetapi terlebih dahulu sister yang selalu datang berkunjung ke cubicle kami mengambil peluang untuk berkongsi petua yang dia dapat daripada kawan Buddhist-nya untuk tabur cuka dan garam keliling rumah ala-ala mau buang bala. Aku mendengar sahaja perbualan mereka dengan senyum sumbing. Ada-ada sahaja petua yang hendak dikongsi. 

Alhamdulillah, Anthem sudah aku khatamkan. Dan seperti biasa, tiada pernah karya Hlovate yang tidak berjaya buat aku tersentuh dan mahu kembali semula meniti maksud untuk berubah keranaNya.

Syahadatul Haq

Ahamiyatul Tarbiyyah

Sayonara Jahiliyah

Peranan Pelajar dalam Membina Masa Depan Dunia

Serius. Best. Tapi memang kalahlah kalau kita bandingkan dengan buat sesi bedah ayat Quran daripada Ustaz Fizz Fairuz (nama dibedal ikut suka hati penulis). Namun, buku novel setebal 593 mukasurat itu sangat refreshing. Refresh niat especially. 

Maktok masih dengan bunyi anehnya manakala jururawat sudah keluar masuk bahagian katil atuk di hadapan. Kehidupan itu adalah kurniaan Dia. Ada yang dipulangkan nyawa semula pada siang hari, ada yang disimpan selamanya tanpa diberi peluang untuk membuat rayuan bertulis. Itu namanya setiap yang hidup akan merasakan mati. Ajal itu sudah Allah tulis buat kita dan sudah Rasulullah sampaikan melalui hadith 4 dalam kitab Hadith 40 Imam Nawawi.

Sungguh bila sudah tiba masa, lari ke mana pun pasti ajal akan menjemput. Dan bila sudah ditarik nyawa, amal mana yang akan dipersembahkan, siapa pula yang akan menjadi saksi amal itu?

Selamat

29 Mei 2015

2207

Wad Geriatrik U13

Cubicle ini buat kesekian kalinya menjadi tempat tidur malamku. Sekarang, Bu akan mengambil alih tempatku dipagi hari kerana Speech Therapist maktok akan datang untuk mereka sama-sama memujuk maktok makan secara oral mengikut mulutnya yang hanya tinggal gigi bawah. Alhamdulillah, maktok dah tidak bergantung pada dopamine untuk stabilkan tekanan darahnya dan ubatan lain pula sudah mula diambil dengan susu bukan lagi secara IV. Maktok juga dah pandai senyum, sengih, merungut kepanasan dan melawan kata doktor dengan begitu degilnya. Haha. Akhirnya nenek aku seperti sudah kembali dengan perangai 'cengeng'nya.

Entah kenapa, aku rasa lebih selamat berada di hospital daripada duduk berehat di rumah. Aku rasa lebih banyak buku dan kerja mampu aku lakukan dalam ruang ukuran 60x240cm ini jika dibandingkan di ruang bilikku yang luas tapi menyesakkan. Benar aku terasa, bahawa rumah itu seperti penjara. Kerana ia memberi peluang untuk badanku terlalu menagih rehat yang melayukan dan mencorak akalku untuk jatuh kedalam fasa 'kemelaratan'. 

Novel Anthem karya Hlovate yang dibiar berkurung dirumah setelah 9 bulan akhirnya aku belek kembali. Mungkin akan dapat kembali sisa semangat akhawat yang ditiupkan melalui isi SH yang pernah ditunjukkan roommate terchenta suatu ketika dahulu. Mungkin juga dapat meredakan hatiku yang bergelora teringat pada kisah silamku dengan seseorang itu. Eh.

Kini sukar benar perjuangan TZ yang dilaung-laungkan sebelum ini di Siraj beraama Ahlul Bergerak yang lain. Mahu menangis sebab air mata sudah tidak mahu mengalir dalam sujud taubat padaNya. Keras sudah hati, terlalu keras.

Ya Rabb, Ya Rahman, Ya Rahim, aku mahu sangat-sangat jumpaiMu dalam sujud tahajjudku, dalam setiap langkah dan nafasku. Ya Rabb, berilah aku ketakutan sampai aku takut giga mahu menzalimi diriku sendiri. 

*sayu*

Roti

'Ini roti tiga jenis wa manyak suka woo. Alhamdulillah rezeki, rezeki sangat-sangat.'

Itulah apa yang terlintas dihatiku tatkala kakak Abang Leong yang selalu menjaga shift malam katil U1331 datang menghulur roti yang dibelinya daripada Le Bread di Subang Jaya. Bersama-sama lintasan hati itu aku teringat ayat seribu dinar dalam Surah At-Talaq. Memang sungguh, Allah memberi rezeki daripada arah yang tidak kita sangka. Langsung.

Sungguh, aku sayang akak-akak, bibik-bibik, auntie-auntie yang menjaga saudara atau anak atau adik masing-masing di wad geriatrik U13.

Maktok sudahku ikat rambutnya tocang diatas seperti ibu mengandung, persis ibu-ibu yang dirawatnya semasa tempoh dia menjadi bidan pada zaman mudanya. Rambutnya kian luruh dimamah usia. Bicaranya hanya 'Hmm.. Mmm..' beserta gelengan kiri kanan dan acara toleh menoleh beserta jelingan mata yang menggambarkan betapa tua amatnya nenekku ini.

BP: 120/69

SpO2: 95%

MAP: 89 mmHg

Langsir ditarik dan maktok diberikan buat sementara kepada dua kakak nurse yang baik hati, tiada lekang senyuman dibibir. Mahu sahaja aku menjadi seperti mereka, baik dan cantik amal budi pekerti. Aku yang perempuan pun cair. Kini baru aku mengerti perasaan ibu mencari calon menantu. Ehe. Moga amalan mereka ikhlas untukMu Ya Allah kerana terlalu baik perbuatan mereka untuk tidak Kau    ganjari dengan bergunung pahala.

Selesai sudah urusan maktok dicuci dan ditukar lampinnya. Nenek Lau pula sudah kedengaran suaranya, alangkah gembiranya jika kami semua dapat discharge pada masa yang sama. Tetapi, itu semua ketentuan Allah, kita manusia hanya mampu berusaha. Jam hampir menunjukkan pukul 11 malam. Lagi satu jam waktu susu maktok. Yok habiskan itu hadith 2 manyak panjang mahu hafal bikin pining sama saya. 

Wah baru satu hadith panjang, mahu mengeluh. Abu Hurairah apa ceghite.

*lap dahi yang acah-acah berpeluh*

Wirid

27 Mei 2015

1653

Wad Geriatrik U13

Sudah masuk waktu asr dan kini aku membaca mathurat - berhenti sebentar untuk menulis. Ibu Ah Keng laju mengulangi zikir Buddha-nya ditemani tasbih manik hitam ditangannya. Dia orang yang 'kuat sembahyang' sama seperti seorang sister di cubicle belakang yang seringkali datang menjenguk kami, sentiasa tersenyum berpakaian kemas t-shirt polo sambil menyatakan bahawa dia sudah sembahyang untuk maktok. Lucu, terharu dan kesian. Sangat kuat kebergantungan mereka kepada Tuhan tetapi Tuhan pilihan adalah Tuhan patung beraneka ragam, Tuhan manusia.

Peh, rata-rata umat Islam pun sama. Kadang-kadang tidak perasan diri sudah meng-ilahkan yang selain dariNya. Ini cakap diri sendiri punya masalah juga.

*terbakar*

Mata maktok melakukan pusingan 360 darjah, kepalanya menoleh kekiri dan kekanan. Bunyi separa berdehem yang keluar daripada mulutnya hanya kedengaran sekali sekala, diiringi gelengan atau sekadar satu tenungan yang dilemparkan jauh menembusi dinding-dinding cubicle-nya.

Alhamdulillah, susu maktok dah dinaikkan kadar pemberian kepada 125ml setiap 4 jam. Sudah mampu bernafas tanpa cannula atau oxygen mask, tekanan darah sudah stabil dengan hanya kadaran dopamine 1.5 ml/h. Syukur.

Alhamdulillah, aku juga sedikit sebanyak belajar cara untuk menguruskan maktok dan menukar lampinnya, refleksologi kaki dan pengalihan posisi maktok untuk mengelakkan bed sore. Sungguh, para jururawat dan paramedik disini terlalu banyak jasa mereka yang tiada pernah disebut atau diberi cukup penghargaan. Bila melihat usaha mereka, rasa seperti mahu beli KFC 10 bucket untuk belanja makan tengahari dan malam setiap hari.

Sudah jam 5.13 petang. Tiba masa untuk sambung bacaan. Kedengaran bunyi guruh, menandakan hujan kan tiba. Mungkin kan termakbul bacaan doa mathurat kita eh maktok.

*senyum*

Apron, Gloves and Mask

26 Mei 2015

1945

Wad Geriatrik U13

Ada lagi 15 minit sebelum waktu maktok harus diberi susu. Aku sampai ke wad maktok dalam jam 6.30 petang bersama kerusi HÄMO, 2 cushion merah, satu set cutlery sudu-garfu-pisau dan ceramic mug bersama ibu bapa tercinta untuk melihat maktok masih lagi dlm separa sedar bersama Bulita disebelah kirinya. Sudah tiba masa untuk aku mengambil semula tempatku menjaga maktok setelah seharian rehat dirumah. 

Alhamdulillah kaki sudah surut sedikit dari bengkaknya dan mata aku - walaupun bengkak, mampu untuk kembali berkhidmat menabur bakti. Hari ini ibunya Ah Keng juga sudah memakai mask dan sarung tangan sebagaimana kami semua yang menjaga pesakit di cubicle maktok disarankan untuk. Mereka semua mempunyai jangkitan kuman di paru-paru maka adalah amat penting untuk kami semua mengambil langkah berjaga-jaga supaya tidak menjadi mangsa seterusnya buat bakteria tersebut.

Tangan maktok dihayunkan lagi, dalam tiga minit sudah masa untuk memberinya susu. Aha. Sudah tahu masa eh maktok. 

Aku gerak dulu, syringe dan susu Fresubin menunggu.

Edema

Kaki bengkak macam maktok sudah sebab terkena edema gara-gara blood pooling akibat tidak banyak bergerak sana-sini dan tidur tidak melunjurkan kaki. 

Terasa benar perasaan menjadi ibu mengandung (macam ada kaitan) dengan kaki yang membengkak ini. Pasti mama juga pernah melaluinya dahulu, tiga kali dalam hidupnya. Siap bawa muatan nasi hampir 10kg dalam perutnya. Apalah sangat kaki bengkak aku ini. Uhuk.

Tadi baba kata aku pelajar perubatan Tahun 1 dan Dr Koh yang datang untuk melihat keadaan maktok segera menyarankan agar aku fikir sedalam-dalamnya samada mahu teruskan kerjaya sebagai doktor ataupun tidak. Baginya jika hidup solo tidak mengapa, apabila sudah berkeluarga banyak cabarannya. Kini baru aku mengerti mengapa ramai doktor berkahwin sesama mereka sahaja. Mungkin mampu memberi lebih motivasi sebab sama-sama mengerti perjuangan di lapangan perubatan ini. Aha. Itu semua pemberian ilahi. Kerana mati itu lebih pasti daripada duduk bergelak ketawa dengan zauj terchenta. (Batuk)

Tadi ada baca pasal Tazocin di Wiki, faham juga bila Dr Koh kata mahu buat continuous transfusion. Tazocin adalah ubat yang digunakan untuk melawan bakteria dalam badan maktok yang dengan giat dan gembiranya sedang melaksanakan 'tugasnya' mengikut fitrah yang telah ditetapkan Tuhan. Seminggu lagi kata doktor mahu tahan maktok di wad, alamatnya semakin bengkaklah kaki maktok - aku pun ikut serta dalam kumpulan kaki bengkak itu juga.

Dr Koh menulis lagi, apa agaknya yang ditulisnya. Neneknya Mea sudah pergi menemui Pencipta beberapa hari lalu. Maktok pula masih disini entah bertarung untuk pulang ke rumah atau bertarung untuk tidak mahu buangkan kahaknya, yang pasti masih tersisa lagi kudratnya untuk bergaduh dengan nurse jika dibandingkan nenek Mea yang tiada lagi di bumi Allah ini.

Ya Rabb, kau lebih tahu sebaik-baiknya pengakhiran buat kami. Berilah kekuatan, berilah yang terbaik.

Mengantuk

25 Mei 2015

1356

Wad Geriatrik U13

Mengantuk.

Sudah dua hari aku berkampung di PPUM. Mata sudah hampir terlelap buat berjuta kalinya sambil menatap maktok yang tangan kirinya diangkat dan dijatuhkan berulang kali seakan suatu tarian yang ingin dipersembahkan buat khalayak ramai namun hanya dia yang mengerti maksud setiap pergerakan itu. Nenek Lau yang duduk di katil hadapan maktok sudah dibawa pergi, mungkin untuk dilakukan CT Scan terhadapnya kerana sebelum dibawanya keluar daripada cubicle itu ada terdengar sayup-sayup suara jururawat menyebut perkataan neurosurgeon. Maktok masih degil mahu mengulum kahaknya yang disimpan rapi dalam mulut, seolah-olah seperti ada mutiara dalam mulutnya yang hanya tinggal barisan gigi bawahnya sahaja.

Tangan maktok belah kiri masih lagi dihayunkan kesana kemari, aku menaip diatas papan kekunci iPhone 5s kerana ini sahaja yang dapat aku lakukan supaya aku tidak hanya tidur diatas kerusi menunggu masa seterusnya untuk diberi maktok minum susu. Usaha maktok masih lagi tidak putus untuk mencabut alat bantuan pernafasannya. Aku bingkas bangun memperbetulkan semula tempat letaknya. Maktok menggeleng laju dan ditariknya tangan aku; memberi isyarat bahawa dia tidak mahu lagi memakai alat bantuan itu.

"Maktok, maktok mau sihat ke doq? Maktok pakailah naa." Aku tegurnya buat kali kedua dengan lebih lembut lagi.

Maktok mengalihkan pandangannya kearah lain, sepertinya dia sudah merajuk dengan kata-kataku yang agak tegas pada awal usaha aku mahu menegur tindakannya itu. 

"Maktok, akak mintak maaf kalau buat maktok terasa tadi. Mintak maaf naa maktok sayang."

Maktok tidak memandangku dan terus menggerakkan tangannya sesuka hati, tidak langsung memandangku kembali. Aku pun terus menulis, walau kepala seperti sudah mahu mengalah dengan rasa mengantuk dan sakit yang datang menjengah sekali sekala. Cubaan maktok untuk membuka alat bantuan pernafasannya buat kali ketiga aku betulkan manakala yang keempat, kelima dan keenam sempat aku halang. Bisikan zikir aku baca sedikit perlahan kerana tidak mahu mengganggu lagi dua jiran yang berkongsi cubicle yang sama.

'Maktok, akak ngantuk sangat nih. Janganlah buat perangai,' getus hati kecilku.

Mengantuk.

Teramat mengantuk.

And everyone has their own destined Rizq

It was already five to six o'clock in the morning. The sky has turned from dark black gradually to a light blue hue. Today is definitely not normal for me being up early in the morning - not 'rejuvenating' back after fajr. With a plate of spaghetti finished on the coffee table, my Quran on the ironing board, it truly is unusual for me to even have a heavy meal before the start of the day.

I pulled open the oven door open and took the tray of baked cookies out, left them out to cool and continued reading the article suggested by a sister on Whatsapp. 

"Dakwah tidak dihampari dengan karpet merah."

That reality is something I am so clearly accustomed to. Yet, sometimes when fatigue and indecisiveness comes knocking at my door, the struggle to put priority has always been an inevitable encounter. It was funny that I smiled at the end of the post, acknowledging how much I understand what the writer is trying to convey - eventhough I might not be as 'hardworking' as he is. I glanced over at the time on my phone and quickly got up to do the dishes. Calculating the approximate time I need to get the 'unusual' morning chores done, I knew exactly that these words need to be written. Because as far as I know, the desire to write and express comes as fast as it goes. Thus before this one goes away, I need to type it down.

Flashbacks of yesterday came daunting over me, but despite of the misery I initially thought I was caged in, I felt that this is my rizq. This path is my rizq, and everything else that comes in it is a rizq and not a tsunami of unfortunate events.

Really, who would start a business because they needed money to go 'grab' people and show them a better path in life? Why go through such an effort for people who mindlessly break your heart every now and then? Why decide to still strive through such 'trivial' matters when piles and piles of lecture notes, medical text books and anatomy dissection have yet to be covered? 

These questions are all notable in our head - especially to people who understand the term Dakwah and Tarbiyyah.

You see, this is not about exclusion nor is it about classifying groups of people. This is about our perspective of life and how we view Allah's rizq upon us.

We don't have money? 

That's our rizq

We have money? 

That's our rizq

We have so much money? 

That's our rizq

We lost one of our legs? 

That's our rizq

We lost both of our legs? 

That's our rizq

We have both of our legs? 

That's our rizq

*smiles*

You and me and everyone else have different sets of rizq bestowed upon us. Anything that happens in our lives are a rizq. As humans, we use these amount of rizq to categorize people - let's say for zakat and welfare care. That, if used properly can be helpful but unintentionally it creates a barrier between the classes and soon, we'll find ourselves comparing each other for whatever reasons there may be.

"And Allah has favoured some of you over others in provision. But those who were favoured would not hand over their provision to those whom their right hand possess so they would be equal to them therein. Then is it the favour of Allah they reject?"
(Surah An-Nahl,16:71)

When we get too consume with status and wealth, we tend to overlook what Allah has decreed to 'share' and delegate the nikmah. That's when all this stingy-ness and 'being thrifty' beging to sprout. That's when spite and envy shrouds our thoughts. That's when sadness and misery dictate our emotions.

And at the end, we lose the essence of what rizq really is all about.

Actually rizq doesn't literally, only mean good things. It can be bad things, it can be haram things. Rizq means something that Allah gifts to his slaves. So it could be from a halal source or a haram source because everything comes from Him and originates from His decree.

Now what about the rizq that we all thought was only of good things and not the bad things?

That, my friend is clearly a misconception - or might I say an incomplete way of explaining what rizq is. Based on my shallow knowledge, rizq are subdivided into two; general and specific. 

General: Whatever that Allah gives to His slave irregardless of how they treat Allah as their master. (i.e, could be a disbeliever but gets sooo much fortune, could be from a haram source, given to cats and cows and humans the same, etc)

Specific: Gifts that will benefit both in Dunya and the hereafter which is learned from the Prophet (pbuh) and is only gifted to those who are of taqwa.

1. Knowledge that is good for nurturing the heart and imaan.

2. Wealth that comes from a halal source.

I bet by now you can guess what I'm relating this post to.

*smiles*

There's no point if you have all the diamonds and gems in the whole world when you have nothing you can put forth to Allah on Judgement Day.

There's no point if you have a large company at the back of your class rooting for you when you have no-one to give syafaat for you in Mahsyar.

There's no point to enjoy Dunya if in return, we suffer in Jahannam.

"This is the Book about which there is no doubt, a guidance for those conscious of Allah."

(Surah Al-Baqarah,2:2)

And we've got the best Rizq of Islam and Imaan. And with that we all can go 'home' inshaAllah. Ain't that enough to make us happy?

Credits

Reference: https://shirotholmustaqim.wordpress.com/2013/12/19/makna-ar-razzaq-maha-memberi-rizki/

To read about Allah's other asma' click on the links below
Al-Latif
Al-Wahid
Al-Muhaimin
Al-Mu'min
Al-Muqit
Al-Haq
As-Sami'
Al-Qawwiy
Al-Jabbar
Al-Wasi'

Belajar untuk Ihsan dan Meyakini Al-A'lim

Life in itself has always been a challenge
Everyday we are force to make decisions
Whether we like it or not, we still go through that cycle
Day in, day out

Because that is what life is all about
"Making decisions."

Some are easy to make
While others prove to be quite difficult
Some decisions can be made on the spot
Some takes minutes, hours, days, weeks, months
To come with a proper conclusion
And even through the lengthy time taken
Doubts still arise
And it kills you deep inside

"....Kemudian apabila engkau telah membulatkan tekad, maka bertawakallah kepada Allah. Sungguh Allah mencintai orang-orang yang bertawakkal."

Surah Al-Imran, 3:159

Kau fikir masalah kau besar
Kau fikir hati kau meronta hebat
Tapi hakikatnya
Ramai diluar sana lagi kurang daripada kau
Banyak sangat nikmat yang kau ada
Ibu bapa
Dua orang adik yang nakal
Teman-teman
Akhawat
Bilik yang panas
Makanan didalam peti
Ilmu di dada
Peluang mempelajari tubuh kau sendiri
Buku-buku yang mengelilingi
Tarbiyyah
Al-Quran
Iman
Islam
Allah

"Dan (ingatlah) ketika Tuhanmu memaklumkan. 'Sesungguhnya jika kamu bersyukur, nescaya Aku akan menambah (nikmat) kepadamu..."

Surah Ibrahim, 14:7

Hakikatnya kau dilimpahi nikmat yang tiada tolok bandingnya
Hakikatnya kesakitan yang kau rasa
Biar luaran
Mahupun terbenam
Adalah berkat kasih sayang dan rahmatNya
Mengapa perlu timbul persoalan apabila sudah jelas bahawa kau disayangi?

Tidak perlu manusia mengiktirafmu
Tidak perlu hadiah berbakul membanjirimu
Tidak perlu tawa riang menghiasi harimu
Kerana..

"...'Cukuplah Allah bagiku; tidak ada Tuhan selain Dia. Hanya kepada-Nya aku bertawakal, dan Dia adalah Tuhan yang memiliki 'Arasy yang agung.'"

Surah At-Taubah, 9:129

Because even if you can't find light behind the grey clouds
Keep on believing it's still there
Because even if you think that it's difficult to hold it all in
Keep on smiling that wonderful smile
Because even if putting up a strong front becomes too overbearing
Keep that headstrong spirit of yours intact

Because He is All-Knowing
Because He sees all your effort
Because He is never far, yet is so close to you

"Dan apabila hamba-hambaKu bertanya kepadamu tentang Aku, maka sesungguhnya Aku dekat.."

Surah Al-Baqarah, 2:186

Kerana itulah perlunya untuk kau terus bersikap Ihsan
Kerana Dia dekat
Kerana Dia ada
Setiap duka tak abadi
Dan ujian itu adalah lumrah hidup dunia ini
Maka buatlah apapun keputusan
Dan terimalah segala yang bakal terjadi
Kerana kau tak tahu
Kau bukanlah Tuhan

"...Tetapi boleh jadi kamu tidak menyenangi sesuatu, padahal itu baik bagimu, dan boleh jadi kamu menyukai sesuatu, padahal itu tidak baik bagimu. Allah mengetahui, sedang kamu tidak mengetahui."

Surah Al-Baqarah, 2:216

Sementara sahaja
Sebentar sahaja
Seperti namamu, teruslah bersabar
Dan teruslah tersenyum

Anggaplah Tuhan melihat segala yang kau lakukan
Anggaplah kau melihat Tuhan dalam segala yang kau lakukan

And tonight, tell yourself to make a wish to the Creator of the stars
So that he will cast upon light and shine us till dawn

To read about Allah's other asma' click on the links below
Al-Mu'min
Al-Muqit
Al-Haq
As-Sami'
Al-Qawwiy
Al-Jabbar
Al-Wasi'

What is meant to be will always find a way

Kisah ini kisah yang sama
Serupa dengan yang lainnya
Kerana kisah kau, aku dan mereka
Adalah kisah perjalanan kita menuju Dia

*ketawa kecil*

Aku bukan kata kita lalu jalan sama
Cuma persamaan kita adalah pada akhirnya
Aku pasti kau juga mahu jumpa Dia
Walau kau selalu tolak hakikat ini ke tepi
Aku pasti fikiran kita serasi

Allah kata fitrah manusia itu bertuhan
Kau percaya tidak pada katanya?
Kau rasa tidak kebenarannya?

Jangan bohong
Jangan bohong bila kau ungkap kosong
Bila kau kata itu semua palsu
Dan kau gembira dengan apa yg ada
Tanpa kau kenal siapa Tuhan itu

*senyum*

Teman
Aku bukanlah yang terbaik untukmu
Untuk membimbing dan menasihatimu
Untuk menceritakan
Untuk memahamkan
Tetapi
Aku mahu cuba
Dan aku mahu raih tangan kau jua
Meski peganganku masih lagi rapuh
Aku masih mahu juga capai kamu
Dan aku mahu kita sama-sama
Berjalan dan berlari menujuNya

Mereka kata
"Apa yang sudah tertulis, pasti akan ditakdirkan untukmu"
Bukankah Allah itu takdirkan Jannah untuk kita?
Dan bukankah Allah telah ilhamkan jalan untuk pergi kearahnya?

*senyum*

Maka, marilah kita sama-sama bergerak
Tidak perlu terus memecut
Cukup sekadar kita melangkah
Asal esok lebih dekat daripada hari ini
Asal esok lebih baik daripada hari ini
Asal niat itu benar, langkah itu ada

Aku pasti
Jannah yang ditakdirkan untuk kita
Akan dapat kita capai nanti

InshaAllah

"Jika hambaKu mengingatiKu dalam dirinya, Aku pasti mengingatinya dalam diriKu. Jika dia menyebut namaKu di hadapan khalayak ramai, Aku akan menyebut namanya dihadapan khalayak yang lebih mulia daripada khalayaknya. Jika dia menghampiriKu sejengkal, Aku akan menghampirinya sehasta, jika dia mendekatiKu sehasta, Aku akan mendekatinya sedepa. Jika dia datang berjalan kepadaKu, Aku akan berlari kepadanya. Yakni segera menyahut segala permintaannya."

Hadith Qudsi

Crystals of Patience

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

In The Name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

So well, I know it’s already the end of the week and for this post to come ever so at the end of the week can give two indications of why it was written so late:

1.       I am too lazy to write

2.       I am having writer’s block

3.       I am far too busy juggling many other things happening until I can’t find a proper time to write

4.       I am waiting for the week to summarize itself before I start to put anything in black and white

Now, the first two would be the most common reason I would give followed by the third one which more or less becomes a preferable answer I would give to allow myself to be forgiven. Though it’s not about these reasons that I would like to discuss in my writing this time around – as you can see from the title, it’s about patience and I am more than keen to write about how Allah is The Most Patience. 

Thus, my story begins.

Disclaimer: This will be quite a long post, though I am not sure if I can do enough justice to you in explaining this asma’ of Allah properly because as said before in the promo post that most of my writings will be just my mere experience of how I feel that asma’ applies to my situation.

Alhamdulillah

First and foremost I’d like to express my gratitude for this life; a life that is not perfect, but nevertheless is far more sufficient than I have ever imagined it to be.

This week has been a challenge (like every other week, every other day, every other hour) and the challenge that Allah designated for me is of patience. The test of patience that Allah gave me this time around, encircles about so many aspects it gave me an even deeper insight on the meaning of patience and how in it should I apply it to daily life.

As-Sobru.

A name so common, a concept so repeatedly mentioned in the Quran it is almost one of the main characteristic of what a Mu’min should be. And yet, many of us still fail to grasp the gist of what this really means including yours truly - although I am gifted with the name bearing the meaning ‘Patience’.

“By time.

Indeed, mankind is in loss.

Except for those who have believed and done righteous deeds and advised each other to truth and advised each other to patience.”

(Surah Al-Asr,103: 1-3)

Living through the first few days of this week had thought me how much my anger have actually resided within me that when it does re-surface about recently, I have nearly a minimum control of it. And thinking that I have got it covered, thinking that I am used to the fact that these people around me do behave like this, I have actually miscalculated the proportion of the anger that I can withstand inside. This had crucially caused one of my closest ukht to bear the consequences of my unbearable rage. I will not say that it is of an extreme degree, but it did cause some feelings to be hurt by the actions I made.

Another side of which I was tested was of my previous jahiliyah in which I have made a daring promise to myself and Allah during the beginning of winter break; that of which I have yet to fully hold on to. Thus, as a follow-up, I decided to take up further measures in safeguarding that promise and to safeguard my imaan. This, at first was very challenging, because the initial pull to continue committing that jahiliyah is heightened due to reasons I feel would not give any extra input if stated here.

I knew and fully understood that whatever I might desire now, inshaAllah will be gifted in the near future if I had patience.

Credits

Though despite knowing, I can’t really help myself from being slightly distraught of my decision.

The next day, Allah granted us living in Galway, snow.

*smiles*

Something so unexpected to happen in Ireland, happened. It wasn’t only in Galway, other places like Letterkenny, Cork and Dublin also experienced the same event and my roommate was more than rejoiced with this occurring because she had yearned for snow to rain down on Galway for the past whole month. I was happy for her and in this happiness, I was ashamed of myself. I was ashamed that I couldn’t even bear a short period of waiting when I myself claim that life upon this world is just 1.5 hours only. The snow breeze came to remind me that all I need to have is patience, because if Allah wills, it truly will happen in His accordance.

“And seek help through patience and prayer, and indeed, it is difficult except for the humbly submissive (to Allah)”

(Surah Al-Baqarah, 2:45)

Soon after, Allah tested me again about my stand in Dakwah and Tarbiyyah. Because this road and path is a long one, filled with many thorns, threading uncharted regions and paving a pathway against the current trend of syaitan’s footsteps, it definitely does not sound like an appealing journey to take. Plus, you’re having to take it with balancing all the anatomical region of the skull, mean arteriole pressure, cardiac output, OSCE, nutrient metabolism and everything else that comes into the picture of being a medic student. It really is no easy task, let alone is it bearable by a normal conscious mind that lives for the sake of this world.

‘Will I have patience to go through all that comes my way?’

“O mankind, indeed the promise of Allah is truth, so let not the worldly life delude you and be not deceived about Allah by the Deceiver.”

(Surah Fatir, 35:5)

Allah answered me again through the findings I found this weekend while browsing through a book.

He answered me about having patience with the people around me as they all deserve to be treated with the proper akhlaq of a Muslim.

He answered and helped me go through the enduring pain of my feeble jahiliyah but cutting the ties to what attracts me to it.

He answered me about having patience on this long path finding meaning to Dakwah and Tarbiyyah by just being earnest and focus more on my relationship with Him, which then will help me to display it by my actions.

And it is in His nature to yet test me again.

It’s surprising to me how Allah can be so patient with me despite all the questions I ask Him in my wake, in my sleep, in my prayers, in my sujood. I find it impossible to be patient towards others when He has never stopped teaching me in my every step, always answering my prayers in a subtle way by giving His most powerful signs, Nature.

He has been patient to still guide me no matter how many times I fall into the same pit, always picking me back up and showing me the same path again though sometimes with a new method to combat my problem. Allah has always been so patient. All I needed to do was to really delve into my prayers and ask Him earnestly because this world is full of confusion even Rasulullah seeks for Allah’s guidance, what more the sahabahs, what more my own self.

A sister once asked the question about ‘al-Haq’; The Truth. We were speechless at that time because honestly, we had little to zero knowledge of it. We didn’t learn about the message inside the Quran by truly deciphering the Arabic language nor do we go to classes by Muslim scholars to claim that we know of what the True message by Rasulullah is. In fact, all we have to prove that this road of being a practicing Muslim is our five senses and the urge to learn more about Islam. By the small efforts we take to learn about Quran and Hadith, Seerah and Fiqh Dakwah, we are trying to find that answer. Sometimes, it’s not all about the destination that we’re heading for, it’s also about the journey we’re taking and I’m most definitely sure that to endure that, it takes a great amount of patience. And who can grant that ability of being patient other than The Most Patience?

*smiles*

“And be patient, and your patience is not but through Allah..”

(Surah An-Nahl, 16:127)

Credits

To read about Allah's other asma' click on the links below
Al-Haq
As-Sami'
Al-Qawiy
Al-Jabbar
Al-Wasi'

Somebody to You

I used to wanna be
Living like there's only me
But now I spend my time
Thinking 'bout a way fulfilling all Your rights

I used to be so tough
Never really gave enough
And then I found You twice
Felt like I was reborn to another life

Look at me now, I'm trying
To be the one, worth mentioning
Before the ground swallows
I need to start now

All I wanna be, yeah all I ever wanna be, yeah, yeah
Is somebody to You
All I wanna be, yeah all I ever wanna be, yeah, yeah
Is somebody to You

Everybody's trying to be a billionaire
But every time I talk to You I just don't care
'Cause all I wanna be, yeah all I ever wanna be, yeah, yeah
Is somebody to You

I used to fool around
I didn't wanna be bound
But now I wake each day
Never stopping praises for all that You gave

I've got the Al-Quran
But Rabbi I need more than that
I need to know my faith
So that I could properly embrace Your Love

Look at me now, I'm changing
To be the best Your mentioning
Before the world ends
I will do my best now

All I wanna be, yeah all I ever wanna be, yeah, yeah
Is somebody to You
All I wanna be, yeah all I ever wanna be, yeah, yeah
Is somebody to You

Everybody's trying to chase worldly affairs
But everytime I do sujood I just don't care
'Cause all I wanna be, yeah all I ever wanna be, yeah, yeah
Is somebody to You

Ya Rabbi
Ya Kariim
Ya Rahman
Ya Rahim
Ya Dzuljalal wal Ikram
Ya Jabbar
Ya Wadud
Ya A'ziim

Ya Rabbi...



Lyrics changed from the song "Somebody to you" by The Vamps.

Going Down Memory Lane

As I helplessly tried to focus on some CVS revision, I browsed through my old blog and couldn't help but amaze myself of how astounding my change had been so far.

Ya Allah,
You truly are a Miracle Worker.

I know there are people out ther who have similar stories to mine - stories of change and transformation. One common thing from our stories in which I am definite of is that it was never full of roses. We learnt of change in our own distinctive way, each bringing us closer to our Creator, closer to the meaning of life. And I also found out that I've adored writing for so long I might as well keep on writing and see how it matures through time.

Because I know one day I'll be able to smile as I re-open back these pages and look back at my journey, whispering close to my heart,

"Ya Allah, it was all worth it."

Of Paris and The All-Encompassing

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Alhamdulillah
For the sky and the rain
The clouds and the wind
For the pain and the doubt
For the lessons and the tears

*smiles*

Paris, yup. Alhamdulillah, all praises is to Allah and to Allah only for finally allowing me to view the Eiffel Tower with my own bare eyes. Despite the mesmerizing picture I was able to capture with my Xperia V, none can challenge how the eye captures this magnificent sight.

And the Eiffel Tower is only man-made. The creation of the 'architects', 'engineers', 'electricians', 'builders' and all those humans hovering around beneath it are far more superior and intensely complex than the metal bars put up to display as one of Paris' iconic monuments.

During my trip there - about four days ago, we have been shocked by the shooting at Charlie Hebdo's headquarters in which 12 people were killed; 3 cartoonists and it's chief editor being amongst them if I got my facts correct inshaAllah. Now this happenned the morning my flight arrived in Paris Beauvais, the line was long and the tourists were many. Like us, I think many were still oblivious of what happened that morning. Before departing from Dublin, my father had warned me that anti-Muslim sentiments are rising in Europe and this proved true after I watched the news about a protest in Germany later that night together with the non-stop reports of the incident that impacted France's strong value on freedom of speech. The days followed as the case becomes more conflicting with the gunmen still being on the loose before finally they are finally gunned down on Friday night, 9th January 2015. In the three days I have found much of the world being a temporary facade; one humans rely on to achieve their desired 'happiness'.

I wonder, that after the Palace of Versailles and its gardens were built, did the French monarchy really found happiness?

"Fair in the eyes of men is the love of things they covet: Women and sons; heaped-up hoards of gold and silver, horses branded (for blood and excellence); and (wealth of) cattle and well-tilled land. Such are the possessions of this world's life; but in nearness to Allah is the best if the goals (to return to)."

(Al-Imran, 3:14)

I wonder if the people of France back in those days were really happy looking at that palace made out gold while they were out starving on the streets?

I wonder if the artists that painted and sculpted the paintings, the sculptures in Louvre actually found contentment and happiness in their work? And if they did, what did other people feel of having a 'section' of them displayed for the world to see? What did the models feel?

What is 'art'?

Questions like these would probably be answered with answers like these:-

"Everyone view the arts differently. Not one person perceive the arts the same as another."

"Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder."

And the list goes on.

Well, I'm not here to debate on that nor will this writing be of the how perception shapes one's view on the arts (sounds like a ToK assignment already). But it will be of this one asma' below.

Credits

*smiles*

During my trip, a friend told me that Allah's land is far and wide; without no boundaries. And that this whole world encompasses of what Allah created for humans. That this land, no matter how terrible it is, holds more lessons than we can ever imagine. In it we are able to learn not only from what Allah lets remain of its history but also from the people around.

"Do they not travel through the earth and see what was the End of those before them? They were even superior to them in strength, and in the traces (they have left) in the land; but Allah did call them to account for their sins, and none had they to defend against Allah."

(Al-Ghafir, 40:21)

When looking at this one name of Allah which is Al-Wasi', the meaning behind it is the All-Encompassing, the All-Comprehending, the Boundless, the All-Embracing. Going to Paris - I have to be honest and it's a personal opinion - I found nothing but emptiness. The streets, the buildings, the statues - empty. I saw nothing good in the land of Paris initially and this eroded all my previous impression that Paris was a beauty. But later, as I tried to find meaning to my trip - not wanting it to be a waste, Allah slowly let me learn of Himself by allowing me the opportunity to look beyond what my eyes could feast.

Because Allah is indeed The All-Encompassing.

"And to Allah belongs the east and the west. So wherever you turn, there is the face of Allah. Indeed, Allah is all-Encompassing and Knowing."

(Al-Baqarah, 2:115)

In the far blue sky
There is Allah
In the clouds and the gust of wind
There is Allah
In the sea of people who do not know Allah
Who do not acknowledge Allah
There He stands watch of all His creations

High above the Eifell Tower
Deep inside the Louvre
Around the Garden of Versailles
Lies Allah
He is there for He is Boundless

It is not only in a mosque
Nor only in a seminar can you find Him
It is not only in the company of the believers
can you feel Him
Even at lonely times
Even when only those despise surrounds
He is there
He surrounds us all
He is the All-Encompassing
He is Al-Wasi'

And that was how I got closer to knowing who Allah is. Al-Wasi' is He.

Subhanallah.





To read more about Allah's other asma' click the following links below inshaAllah. *smiles*
Al-Qawiy
Al-Jabbar