Pernahkah

Pernahkah kau sudah terlalu lelah mengulangi dosa kecil, yang mana ia hampir memberi manifestasi kepada dosa besar?

Teman

Jika tiada keberatan

Mohon doakan aku?

Keteguhan

At-Taubah, 9:119

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا اتَّقُوا اللَّهَ وَكُونُوا مَعَ الصَّادِقِينَ

O you who have believed, fear Allah and be with those who are true.

Among the many things

It's quite silly - if not annoying - how I am still trying to make ends meet between my former self with the me now, when I am already definitely aware of the distinct clear cut between what I should do and what I want to do. Every time I am face with such a dilemma, I cannot help myself but to use the idea that "People regret more not taking chances rather than making mistakes." Although this is how we picture the best method of learning to be, 'learning from your mistake' might not always be the smartest decision to make when you are conscious of the consequences your actions might bring.

I am very weak. And for the past 3 years in my life, I have made favours more than I can return them. And believe me, the prospect of asking for help when I know I can push myself harder, is never healthy in the long run. Allah countlessly reminded me of the many occasions in which I should have done A instead of doing B. That instead of my own happiness, I should do what He pleases and what better way to gain peace of mind than knowing you did what was right despite facing a temporary ache that will fade away by His will.

There is so much I wish to do, be and discover in this world. But among the many things I have encircling my mind every now and then is to follow His guidance fully - something I struggle with since day one of living. Ya Rabb, it is indeed a strenous, tiring, exhausting, painful life being here in Dunya, but I am sure that if there is any reward of comfort, luxury and ease will always, and only be, given in the Gardens of Paradise - Jannah. 

I pray all our amal are accepted, and may they be the best we can give to Him in order to even smell a tinge of what Paradise holds.

Ameen.

Kau Tak Tahu

Kau tak tahu

Yang memakai purdah itu 

Sebenarnya lemah dalam menahan matanya dari memandang

Kau tak tahu

Yang menghafal Quran itu 

Sebenarnya mudah terjatuh dalam lubang kegelapan maksiat

Kau tak tahu

Yang memakai tudung labuh itu

Sebenarnya seringkali digoda untuk mencampakkan maruah dirinya ke tanah

Kau tak tahu

Yang memberi tazkirah itu

Sebenarnya lebih diuji percakapannya dan masa lapangnya

Kau tak tahu

Ujian mereka

Nasib mereka

Dalam cubaan mempertahankan iman yang tinggal secebis cuma

Kau cuma tahu melabel

Mengherdik

Mempertikaikan

Memandang kolot

Segala usaha mereka

Dan akhirnya mencapai konklusi

"Kau orang semua hipokrit."

Hakikatnya kami melakukan semua yang kami lakukan ini kerana kami teramatlah lemah. Tanpa bacaan Quran, kami tewas. Tanpa iringan mathurat, kami longlai. Tanpa bulatan taman sorga, kami hilang arah. Kerana syaitan itu sangat kuat bisikan dan godaannya, kerana syaitan itu sangat licik dalam setiap langkah perangnya. Doakanlah kami, doakanlah kita semua. Sudah terlalu lama syaitan jahiliyah bermaharajalela, sudah terlalu lama manusia dibiar tiada bersama.

Maafkan aku, teman dan rakan. Bukanlah aku mahu berbangga dengan tudung labuhku, bacaan Quranku, mahupun fikiran Islamiku yang serba cetek ini. Sebab jujur aku kata, ujian aku terlalu berat untuk diungkap kata-kata dan jika diluahkan, pasti seisi dunia kan menghina aku tanpa kenal erti lelah. Maka teman dan rakan, sahabatku yang ku amat kasihi keranaNya....

Doakanlah aku.

Doakanlah umat ini.

Sebagaimana nazak aku rasa imanku kini berada, lagi nazak umat yang sudah bergelumang dengan norma jahiliyah yang fana.

Jatuh Bangun

Tuhan itu Maha Mengetahui segala sesuatu. Aku dan kau tiada mampu untuk menetapkan apa-apa dalam hidup kita kerana Tuhan itu adalah sebaik-baik penyusun. Dan Tuhan itu adalah yang memberi keputusan sedangkan kita hanyalah manusia lemah, tiada daya untuk menolak ketentuanNya.

These days I end up losing most of my sanity in fighting myself. Simply because I am far from the 'Gardens of Paradise' and my parents do not look at it as any significant aspect that can sustain my 'life' at all. *sigh* Losing myself one way or the other is also my own decision to blame because of all the things I did, none were beneficial enough to protect myself. I can give out a gazillion effectors to blame on my current state. However, to list out the many reasons and factors wouldn't be smart would it?

This has got me thinking that I have been far too childish in my approach to battle my inner nafs. I keep on trying to find an external solution to something that is sprouting from within me. The evil that is to blame is none other than me, myself and I. To me, nobody can actually understand you wholly. Some people can understand you in one aspect, while the other person can understand you in ten aspects. One person can get why you chose purple instead of yellow, while the other person just goes insane belittling even the thought of having to chose colours in buying a water bottle. And these are just simple examples to all the daily dramas we have to face every single day in our human lives. True, there are people who get you so well that they potentially hit the title 'Soulmate' in your life dictionary, but to be honest, we still do keep secrets from the closest of people we have around us because we are afraid that at the end of the day, our 'Soulmate' will fail to be our 'Soulmate' because nobody can actually love you unconditionally without bashing your head to the wall several times. (This is just an expression; an over-exaggerating one)

So, this place is kept sacred to only one entity that knows ALL of our weaknesses and carelessness, acknowledge ALL of our stupid mistakes and tolerates with ALL our ignorant behaviour, yet is still so loving, kind and forgiving. And who else can take the spot other than Allah?

What you don't believe me?

"Allah hendak memberikan keringanan kepadamu, kerana manusia diciptakan bersifat lemah." (4:28)

"Sungguh, manusia diciptakan bersifat suka mengeluh. Apabila dia ditimpa kesusahan dia berkeluh kesah." (70:19-20)

"Sesungguhnya mereka itu mencintai kehidupan (dunia) dan meninggalkan hari yang berat (hari kiamat) dibelakangnya." (77:27)

See? Doesn't He know alot about us already? How we're so messed up and problematic. Yet why is He still compassionate?

"Katakanlah, 'Wahai hamba-hambaKu yang melampaui batas terhadap diri mereka sendiri! Janganlah kamu berputus asa dari rahmat Allah. Sesungguhnya Allah mengampuni dosa-dosa semuanya. Sungguh, Dialah Yang Maha Pengampun, Maha Penyayang." (39:53)

*cries slow tears*

Don't you think that it's just too much to act so bad when Allah is so, so, incredibly kind?

For many years, I have been blinded by the fact that nobody cared deeply nor truly understand all the battles I had to face. But every time I come to the Quran or let myself weep on the praying mat, only then did I find my true friend, my soulmate, my one and only, my beloved - Allah. It is a daunting prospect writing this when I, myself am not truly holding on to every piece of word I write. Kerana fitrah manusia itu jatuh dan bangun, fitrah iman itu yazid wa yanquz, fitrah hati itu mudah berbolak-balik. Maka saya tujukan bingkisan ini bukan pada sekalian manusia, tetapi pada hati dan diri saya sendiri because reminders benefit the believers.

"Katakanlah, 'Jika kamu mencintai Allah, ikutilah aku, nescaya Allah mencintaimu dan mengampuni dosa-dosamu.' Allah Maha Pengampun, Maha Penyayang."

(3:31)

"Berlarilah kembali kepada Tuhanmu sayang."

Past Affairs

It has been 6 years since I last smelled the air in Terengganu, buried my feet inside the sand and set foot at my previous alma mater; MRSM Kuala Terengganu. Permusafiran kini akan berakhir dengan hanya aku mengimbau kembali sejarah lama yang aku sendiri tidak pasti mampu atau tidak untuk menggerakkan aku kembali. Setiap ceruk di maktab lama itu tersimpan seribu satu memori zaman hingusan aku bersama Syasya, Mcha, As, Ain, Pieyah dan Aina.

To be honest, I think I have changed so much from the me before and it's enough for me to know what it is that I have become compared to who I was in my yesteryears. August itself is a very hectic month, having to juggle both emotionally and critically with the many events scheduled I am not sure if I am ready to go back yet. The thought is daunting everytime I have to think about it, though I am not panicking over anything petty. Just the normal anxiousness that it's less than a month till I arrive back in Dublin to resume my duties as a medical student. To talk about tarbiyyah is another thing altogether when it comes to what I am going through and to think that I've got it all covered is a mistake I made too soon during this summer holiday.

Some questions are answered, some are left hanging. New questions emerge and past confusions are kept neatly for another day till it can finally be solved. I am not whining, I am not even making a point for others to pity me. But how I wish I knew how to stop being childish and stand firm on my two feet without having to lose the many happiness I have  around me.

Tuhan, adakah sebenarnya istidraj segala kebaikan yang kau beri ini? Adakah sebenarnya aku sebagai hambaMu ini telah terlalu jauh sehinggakan masa lampauku datang menghantuiku kembali? 

All in all, I know these are mere delusions trying to pull my leg down and my heart apart from becoming firmer in this chosen path. I pray Allah grant us ease and strength in all the goodness that we try to spread in order for Islam to finally regain its rightful name and glory.

Ameen.