I’ve written a whole draft of words but silly me for pressing the clear button and losing them all. Macam tu kot apabila segala amal hilang menjadi debu apabila tidak diniatkan kerana Allah.
***
I saw Ammar today. I cried. Real bad.
Trying to cover it, initially I went through all his medical adjuncts - his Tazocin drip, his feeding tube, his vitals monitor. I read through the nurses handover sheet and understood well what it meant describing his traumatic brain injury and the management they have given him so far. I cried terribly while reading it. Twas my first time seeing a GCS of 7 and to have it recorded in my brother’s own passover sheet - it was heartbreaking.
His eyes were open when I met him though I’m not sure if he recognises me. And although he could only smirk and grunt and cough, it felt as though we were having a conversation - him telling me that he hates it being here and that he wants to give the Camry driver a piece of his mind. Him telling me that it’s annoying having to be so chesty and phlegmy. There might also be a slight hint of him being afraid and agitated, as though the incident on that dreadful day was being relived again in his mind. Both his arms were restrained on the wrist as he can become pretty confused at times, so that he doesn’t fall and put extra injury on himself.
I saw him. And that’s all that matters.
As I lay lying on the sofa in arwah maktok’s clothes and kain batik (after one whole day of KLIA-hospital-Hartamas-home), it seems as though Allah is teaching me a huge lesson of growing up every year since the start of my entrance into medical school. Arwah maktok, Bu, my previous flame, Ammar. All the events were dispersed from first year to final year.
Qadrullah. Qadrullah yang menundukkan dan menguatkan.
I’m glad Dad is so calm, always reminding us that this is all in Allah’s plans
Kun fayakun, if He wants to make it be, it’ll be
Mummy tries so hard to keep herself steady, her stern face covering her constant worry for her second child
She would change places with him if she could, but alas, she can’t
This test
Brought us closer as a family
Brought us closer to Allah
And despite such difficulties
We are humbled by Your kindness Ya Allah
For letting our beloved live so that we can still see him, talk to him and touch him till today
Allah,
Nothing is the same anymore
Nothing stays the same
Ammar, he’s never going to be the same
I know it
It’s sunnatullah
It’s the laws of the world You placed in
I’ve known that
The people in my life
Have all come and go
And I know too
Eventually it’ll be like that for me as well
Dan firmanNya, (2:155-157)
وَلَنَبْلُوَنَّكُم بِشَيْءٍ مِّنَ الْخَوْفِ وَالْجُوعِ وَنَقْصٍ مِّنَ الْأَمْوَالِ وَالْأَنفُسِ وَالثَّمَرَاتِ ۗ وَبَشِّرِ الصَّابِرِينَ
Demi sesungguhnya! Kami akan menguji kamu dengan sedikit perasaan takut (kepada musuh) dan (dengan merasai) kelaparan, dan (dengan berlakunya) kekurangan dari harta benda dan jiwa serta hasil tanaman. Dan berilah khabar gembira kepada orang-orang yang sabar:
الَّذِينَ إِذَا أَصَابَتْهُم مُّصِيبَةٌ قَالُوا إِنَّا لِلَّهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ
(Iaitu) orang-orang yang apabila mereka ditimpa oleh sesuatu kesusahan, mereka berkata: "Sesungguhnya kami adalah kepunyaan Allah dan kepada Allah jualah kami kembali."
أُولَٰئِكَ عَلَيْهِمْ صَلَوَاتٌ مِّن رَّبِّهِمْ وَرَحْمَةٌ ۖ وَأُولَٰئِكَ هُمُ الْمُهْتَدُونَ
Mereka itu ialah orang-orang yang dilimpahi dengan berbagai-bagai kebaikan dari Tuhan mereka serta rahmatNya; dan mereka itulah orang-orang yang dapat petunjuk hidayahNya.
Ia adalah kebaikan
Semua yg Kau beri adalah kebaikan
I believe in Your plans Ya Allah
I believe that You’ll make Ammar a better man
I believe in the miracles that You make
And I believe You’ll bring justice to these kids and to those treacherous drivers that have murdered one innocent girl
Alhamdulillah wa astaghfirullah
Subhanallah wabihamdihi
Peliharalah kami Ya Allah
Moga kami berusaha dalam batasMu, dan moga kami tidak tergolong dalam mereka yang menzalimi hakMu dan hak hamba-hambaMu
