Abuse

Sometimes we abuse the Deen by only choosing what fits our needs
We feel that Allah owes us something for our obedience
And we only adhere to His ruling if we find it convenient for us

Astaghfirullahal azim

Kita claim kita layak ke syurga ke dengan attitude macam tu?

Malu

17 days have passed since the day I last wrote in here. And many things have happened, too many things to be described in detail but one word could really summed it all up.

Dilution.

To be honest, it has been a rough two weeks. Not to say rough as in the normal description that arises with the word. I can't really explain it in words but the feeling of not having much willpower, spirit, zeal, liveliness, passion, enthusiasm and ardour in tarbiyyah has completely dampened my productivity. I find it very disturbing to feel as such and the most disappointing feeling I can ever have is that towards myself - I am falling into this undeniable fate of 'dilution'.

What is dilution? Is it merely the act of adding more water to a concentrated solution resulting in it being diluted or is it something else? And how does dilution fit in the diminish intensity of zeal that I have stated to be the essence of my 'rough' two weeks?

.....

Proses pencairan ini terlalu sinonim didengari oleh ikhwah akhwat di serata dunia dan merupakan satu fasa yang amat digeruni. Ia merupakan suatu perkara yang lebih menakutkan daripada fasa futur, bahkan ia boleh dikatakan sebagai suatu sunnatullah yang pasti akan berlaku walau di mana kita berada. Walaupun saya hanyalah seorang akhwat yang masih bertatih atas jalan tarbiyyah (bahkan mungkin tidak layak untuk dipanggil sebagai akhwat sekalipun, tapi panggillah saya dengan gelaran itu selalu moga menjadi doa buat saya, huhu), saya sudah merasai penangan proses itu dan pada hari ini - setelah melalui satu tempoh muhasabah yang agak lama - saya dapati bahawa saya sedang mempamerkan simptom penyakit 'pencairan' ini.

.....

Thus, what are the symptoms that allowed me to come to the conclusion that I am indeed being under the pathological process of being 'diluted'?

1. I am no longer interested to read buku fikrah with passion and determination

2. I do not look at the sahabis as my point of reference or role model (I have displayed this change in interest as I began to watch anime back again. T_T)

3. I have lost the interest to complete my mutabaah amal on time (especiall my ODOJ)

4. I do not feel any excitement in going to usrah and wasilah tarbiyah (probably because I have none T_T)

5. Choosing an anime (or any other element of entertainment) as your phone wallpaper

6. Takes doing maksiat and wrong-doings lightly just because you 'believe' Allah is Most Forgiving [MAJOR SIGN OF SEVERE INFECTION] #penunggangagamatahapgiga

Sad life innit?

And when all of this manifest either in a chronological order or not, it makes me feel so disheartened to wake up in the morning and commit to my duties as a da'ie. Larut, cair, lemau, lembik, futur.  I cannot believe that I am here to face this day  that I will admit that I am feeling that the grounds I used to hold in high esteem are finally shaky and I am falling to the 'easy' path of being an overseas student instead of a taasis that works day and night to revive back the lost jewel of the ummah. 

Hambar, tawar, that was the feeling. The feeling of lost and dullness shrouded me and my inner self disabling me from engaging to a higher purpose, making me feel only connected to the ground that I am standing as it  continues clutching my ankles tight and not giving me a chance to roam free beyond galaxies. If claudication can be used to describe my limping iman, than I will use that word to annotate the severity this emptiness has caused me. 

At first I thought it was because of the lacking I have in my current tarbiyyah. We don't have proper daurahs, nor do we have anything else in the 7 wasilah tarbiyah being done here for us. My usrah consists of 3 final year students, 1 twinning student about to leave in two month's time and 2 third meds with a doctor murabbi. All crazy people with so many things to juggle yet have a higher threshold that needs to be fulfilled in order to satisfy the hunger for our tazkiyyah and ta'lim. Thus, I suggested that maybe we can fix this situation by providing much substance during our programmes to come. However, after saying as so, it still did not allow me to calm myself down.

Then came Qawaid Dakwah chapter six

Then came Surah At-Taghabun

Then came the story of Akh I and Kakak A

I am dumbfounded, and I reflected so much on these three inputs. Truth is, I have the lost the essence of tarbiyyah because I have chosen rukhsah over azimah. I have chosen to take things lightly when I should be taking them more seriously. My expenditure has increased when I used to be very strict on my spending. The food I eat has increased in consumption when I used to only eat a sufficient portion of food every meal without snacks. The time I spend slacking off doing nothing is the majority of how I spend my breaks in between studying. And I have been so laid back over many things that I have lost the urgency to keep on polishing my knowledge probably because I don't see how I should apply it kerana mad'u kurang.

Excuses by excuses come one after another.

Hakikatnya awak sedang futur Sabreena, face it.

And right after this realization, I really can find no other remedy than to go back to Allah and to seek for help in patience and prayers. To be patient, and to continue doing what I need to do with a sense of urgency as though the world depends on it.

Saya malu sebenarnya dengan mereka yang qawwiy itu.

Kerana saya sangat, sangat culas dengan tanggungjawab saya.

And then saya kata saya bawak dakwah? Pfft.

Dream on

:/

   

Kerna mereka benar-benar sayang

Today was my breaking point. From morning till evening, I was tested. By my feelings and by the people around me. Though I promised that I won't feel numb from it. I would not want to let these dark incidences cloud away my light.

No. Cahaya yang Allah bagi ini takkan aku biarkan padam hanya kerana ujian hari ini.

Despite saying as such, I did cry. I stopped crying, and cried again. And I know that when I go to bed tonight, I will cry as well.

But I know, Allah will never take me for granted. And for all that has happened, I believe that He will give me my happy ending.

*imagining lying below a shady tree in Jannah wearing robes of green and bracelets made of jade*

And I am blessed because during these times, there are people whom Allah gifted to come and shower me with words of motivation.

Ilyani hugged me close.
Haziqah cried for me.
Najhan gave me kind words and du'a.
Kak Siha, sent me emojis.
Farah, Adnin, Wani, Ella, Opie and Aimi helped remind me that I have friends around the world praying for my well-being.
And Yana, reminded me to seek help in patience and prayers.

I am blessed. Always have. Because above all, I have you Allah.
Alhamdulillah, thumma alhamdulillah.

وَاسْتَعِينُوا بِالصَّبْرِ وَالصَّلاةِ وَإِنَّهَا لَكَبِيرَةٌ إِلا عَلَى الْخَاشِعِينَ ,الَّذِينَ يَظُنُّونَ أَنَّهُمْ مُلاقُو رَبِّهِمْ وَأَنَّهُمْ إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ 

"Dan mintalah pertolongan (kepada Allah) dengan sabar dan solat. Dan sesungguhya hal itu sangat berat, kecuali bagi orang-orang yang  khusyu’ , (iaitu) orang-orang yang menyakini, bahawa mereka akan menemui Rabb mereka dan bahawa mereka akan kembali kepada-Nya" (Al-Baqarah 2:45-46)

Percaya

Untuk percaya pada hari itu
Kita harus percaya pada ketetapan mati

Untuk percaya pada hari itu
Kita harus melangkah menerusi dimensi
Dan membebaskan diri dari ikatan bumi

Kesabaran itu bukanlah lahir daripada diri kita
Melainkan ia dikurniakan Dia
Sebagaimana para ulul azmi diteguhkan hati
Kita juga mewarisi darah mereka
Darah yang mulia itu, janganlah kita kotori

Untuk percaya pada hari itu
Kita harus melihat lebih daripada keterbatasan mata kita

Untuk percaya pada hari itu
Kita harus percaya pada Allah
KitabNya
MalaikatNya
dan RasulNya

Kerana jika kita boleh begitu pasti kita akan bangun esok pagi
Kita pasti mampu percaya pada hari itu

"And yes, haven't we promised to go to Jannah together?"