11.46pm
22 January 2017
Galway, Ireland
I know it's already late at night but I feel that I must write this down before the memory I have of it fades away and I am left with only faint recalling of those 3 weeks which has passed so quickly.
This is Merlin Park Hospital. I took this image on my last day here coming for my respiratory rotation. After so many years of wanting to finally be in the hospital and get involved in learning the matter of medicine up close, I have finally come to my clinical years.
Merlin Park Hospital (MPH) used to be a TB sanatorium and when you arrive to this place, you will be able to see how vast the place is. Dominated by more grass than buildings, MPH is a very quiet place, almost like a small village where the people who come here are mostly those from the elderly group. My last week in the respiratory team was a pleasant one in comparison to the first two weeks that I have entering the semester. To be honest, I did not enjoy this rotation in the beginning.
Why?
Because it seemed too laid-back.
I came to the semester with an eagerness of learning and buzzing around the hospital, climbing flights of stairs and entering the wards, meeting patients in the abundance. Allah knows best though when he gave me a sickness that I have never had before, putting me on the bed for three days at least, coughing and feverish. Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal, after much rest and consuming some medications I was able to heal well only to enter a rotation that I felts wasn't pushing me up to my game. Back when I was sick, all I did was lay in bed doing almost nothing at all. My housemates were going in and out of the house in morning, only coming home quite late at night. They returned back with a stories of what they experienced throughout the day and everything sounded so exciting as they shared the new knowledge that they learned together with the scolding and embarrassment as well. I felt left out to be honest. I felt like I wasn't a medical student at all because the only thing I did for those first few days of clinical rotations was just staring at the ceiling and turning around on bed trying to find the most comfortable position to sleep in.
I clearly felt like a loser.
The weekends came and I wasn't able to go meet the sisters in Nottingham. I woke up in the morning alone, sick and coughing up blood. My body ached but my heart bore an even bigger hole. The loneliness just hit me deep and for a moment, the feeling of depression came and I felt completely worthless. I cried when I expectorated blood that Saturday morning as I have been having bouts of hemoptysis since two days ago. I thought I might be carrying some sort of malignancy inside me. I wasn't up to game, I wasn't learning, I couldn't function. I really, really felt insignificant. And when I entered my rotations back again the next week, gosh it was difficult to get my self-esteem back again. I was afraid to do many things, my tongue was tied, I couldn't speak, it affected so many things.
I dreaded my rotations till it made me have second thoughts of becoming a doctor.
Soon after, Allah gave me the best present.
 |
| Missing Kak Ejat |
Allah reminded me of my mission through them.
Allah reminded me that I'm not alone and that He's always, always there.
Waktu sakit tu rasa jauh sangat dengan Allah. Nak bangun solat pun susah apatah lagi nak membaca satu juz Quran harian. Payah sangat nak buat apa-apa. Rasa tak berguna sangat diri ini. I even equated my existence to dust. Tapi berkat kasih sayang Allah, Allah bagi semula rasa nak kembali kepada Dia. Allah bagi peringatan bertalu-talu tentang misi utama diri ini dihidupkan setiap hari. Allah beri jaminan tentang balasan hari akhirat buat mereka yang sabar dan istiqamah. Allah memberi ketentaraman dengan jaminan ampunan dosa hasil daripada kesabaran atas ujian sakitNya. Allah memberi peluang untuk diri ini menghitung nikmatNya yang terlalu banyak jika dibandingkan dengan ujian sakit beberapa hari itu.
Alhamdulillah wa astaghfirullah, akhirnya diri ini bangkit juga daripada kegelapan depresi yang menyelubungi. Walau mungkin hanya setapak berjalan menuju cahaya, Allah masih setia memimpin dengan kesabaran yang Maha Agung.
And so the third week came of my rotations. I was not alone in heart, nor was I alone physically. Two lads who soon became two people that I admire became those who helped me out along that final week of respiratory rotations. They thought me more than just pathophysiology of asthma and bronchiectasis, they gave advice on how to better my history presentation and showed me example of how to be a good person - friend, student, human being. One of the interns at MPH was one of the kindest interns in the respiratory team and Dr Deborah coming as the ED intern was a great teacher to me as well. Dr Rabbitt never fails to bring up my confidence everytime I speak to her and the patients, oh the patients were so thoughtful for allowing us to the chance to learn from them.
Overall, my somber first rotation turned out to a beautiful one in the end. And alhamdulillah for all that has happened. *senyum mata sepet sebab mengantuk*
To more memories and challenges in the future
InshaAllah.
