Tsuyoku Naritai

I will be stronger.

I will be okay.

I will get better.

I will be happy.

I will smile.

I will be just fine.

InshaAllah, biiznillah.

Perginya Seorang Permata

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful

12.32pm

5 Syawal 1438H

Makkah al-Mukarramah

Today is the day our little mutarabbi passed away

Nur Nabilah binti Shahrul Ami

Or what we would call her - Bellamy

Amongst all those in Strathclyde, she was the brightest, softest and most eager mutarabbi we have ever met being under our care in UKE

She was 21 years old when she passed

Baru lepas dapat fikratuna

Baru lepas meluahkan kesungguhan nak join USKAB dan daurah lepas raya

She stays about 5 minutes away from her murabbi - a blessing we thought for both her and her murabbi

It's like a dream

How Allah took her away

How we thought that with her, there's still hope utk UKE

And now Allah granted her a place we all dearly want to go to

Back to Him

Bellamy passed when she was still so young in tarbiyyah

Keikhlasannya

Kesungguhannya

Senyumnya

Dan gelak tawanya

Mungkin saja sudah tiada lagi

Tetapi segala kebaikan dan kejernihan niatmu utk kembali kepada Allah dik

Akan kami terus pegang dan semat erat dlm hati kami

Maut tidak mengenal umur

If I were to die today

Would the choices I make

And the actions I do

The amal I have

And the condition I am in

Grant me your Jannah ya Rabb?

Bellamy

Akak ingat lagi air mata awak waktu akak share tadabbur kat Glasgow

Akak sangat terharu, you reminded me of myself back when I was young and fragile

Nanti kita borak lagi eh macam kat Cliffs dulu?

:'

Tunggu akak

Tunggu kami semua

Moga perginya awak menjadi hujah utk kak F and kak I diakhirat kelak

Polos

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful

4.56pm

4 Syawal 1438H

Makkah al-Mukarramah

Ya Allah, 

Bagaimana kiranya aku mahu menjadi seperti nabi Ibrahim

Yg begitu polos, taat dan redha terhadap segala aturan dan suruhanMu

Tiada pernah dia persoalkan walau diarah utk menghantar isteri dan anak kecilnya ke padang pasir yg tiada penghuni, tiada sumber kehidupan

Bagaimana pula aku mahu mengikuti jejak langkah kekasihMu, Muhammad SAW

Yg apabila dipeluk erat di Gua Hira'

Digertak dari selimutnya

Ditarik isteri yang dicintai darinya

Dan ditakdirkan bapa saudara yang paling dia sayangi tidak menerima dakwahnya

Masih lagi kekal teguh menyampaikan dakwah rahmatal lila'lamin

Bagaimana mahu aku menjadi seperti mereka?

Bagaimana mahu aku menyahut seruanMu pada hari ini utk terus taat pada suruhanMu dan suruhan Rasul?

Bagaimana pula mahu aku tepis segala keinginan diriku yg jelas sekali menurut langkah-langkah syaitan?

Ya Allah,

Dari jauh aku melihatnya

Sayu yg teramat sekali

Dari jauh aku melihatnya

Aku hanya mampu tunduk, menadah tangan dan berdoa

Setiap kali aku melihatnya aku seolah mahu menangis

Inilah dia yang telah aku letakkan lebih dariMu

Inilah dia yang tidak mampu aku selamatkan dengan qudrat dan iradahku

Inilah dia yang mengajar aku erti melepaskan

Inilah dia yang menjadi ujian amalku terhadap hadis niat

Malu

Sedih

Sayu

Semua bercampur baur

Jikalau mampu aku mendoakan sesuatu dariMu ya Allah untuknya

Adalah utk kau kembalikan dia kepada kefahaman Islam

Kefahaman mencintaiMu

Dan kefahaman kemanisan iman

Kembalikanlah keinginan dia utk mendapat unta merah

Agar dia dapat terus mendapat saham pahala yang tidak putus-putus

Moga dia dapat merasakan kehadiran Engkau pada setiap nafasnya

Dan moga dia mampu memaknai erti namanya dgn sebenar-benarnya, dalam setiap langkah hidupnya

Kurniakan Jannah utknya ya Allah, tempat yang kami berdua selalu impi-impikan

Dan jauhkan dia dari api neraka

Serta segala perkara yang boleh menjerumuskannya kepada Jahannam

Dan buat diriku ya Allah

Berilah aku kekuatan utk sentiasa taat kepadaMu

Berilah aku kekuatan utk memilih yang Kau cintai, bukan yang aku ingini

Bantulah aku mencintai mereka yang terlebih dahulu mencintaiMu

Dan bantulah aku meredhai aturanMu, ketentuanMu dan takdirMu buatku

Aku mahu menyampaikan dakwah al-Quran sebagaimana nabi yang paling aku cintai lakukan

Sebagaimana para sahabat yang aku hormati dan sanjungi

Dan sebagaimana ummahatul mukminin meredhai tugas si suami, memilih Islam dan bukan kesenangan duniawi

Bantulah aku ya Allah

Because honestly, this is my biggest fear and my biggest worry

That I'd make the same mistake and I'll hurt again

Maka pandulah hati aku

Pandulah keinginanku

Dan bantulah aku utk tsabat dengan pilihanku atas jalanMu

Hopefully, sebagaimana keimanan Hajar terhadap suruhanMu melalui suaminya

Akan keluarlah keajaiban yang tak pernah ku sangka seperti keluarnya air Zam Zam dari bumi Makkah yang asalnya kering kontang

(Tadabbur Surah An-Nur di Tanah Haram)

Ramadhan Diaries Extra: The Act of Love

Love is a verb

That is so hard to describe, yet can be easily felt

And I know,

That no matter how much we're hurt inside

And no matter how long it'll take

Love will prevail

And we will be mended

Dengan hati yang lapang kita serahkan segala urusan dan amal kita

Moga akhirnya menjadi mereka yg bertakwa, layak mendapat rahmat Allah ke syurga

"Ini urusan iman, bukan urusan badan atau akal. Ia urusan hati yang harus menerima, meredhai dan memahami."

Ramadhan Diaries: For Whom Do You Lay Your Intentions Upon

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful

1.33am
26 Ramadhan 1438H
Balakong

Dari Amirul Mukminin, Abi Hafs Umar bin Khattab RA berkata, Aku mendengar Rasulullah SAW bersabda,

"Sesungguhnya amal perbuatan itu disertai niat dan setiap orang mendapat balasan amal sesuai dengan niatnya. Barangsiapa berhijrah hanya kerana Allah dan RasulNya maka hijrahnya itu menuju Allah dan RasulNya. Barangsiapa hijrahnya kerana dunia yang ia harapkan atau kerana wanita yang ingin ia nikahi, maka hijrahnya itu menuju yang ia inginkan."

After all these years Sabr, are the decisions you made because of dakwah, because of Allah and Rasul or is it just tempelan semata? Truly for Him or did you just paste that reason on top of your own wants and whims?

Guide me Ya Allah.
Guide us all.

Rabbi inni li ma anzalta ilayya min khairin faqir.

P.S: Last blogpost before flying off for 'umrah. Doakan saya dan keluarga. :)

Ramadhan Diaries: Singing Along to Positivity

Lord knows

Dreams are hard to follow

But don't let anyone

Tear them away

Hold on

There will be tomorrow

In time

You'll find the way

And thus she sang with full confidence that her Lord's promise is ever to come true. Her motivation sprung from the ayahs she forever treasures in her brown pocket Quran.

"Dan orang yang membawa kebenaran dan orang yang membenarkannya, mereka itulah orang yang bertakwa. Mereka memperoleh apa yang mereka kehendaki di sisi Tuhannya. Demikianlah balasan bagi orang-orang yang berbuat baik, agar Allah menghapus perbuatan mereka yang paling buruk yang pernah mereka lakukan dan memberi pahala kepada mereka dengan yang lebih baik daripada apa yang mereka kerjakan."

(Surah Az-Zumar, 39:33-35)

Allah's promise has never changed in comparison to that of a human's. So why did she ever hope on words of a man, when Allah had promised her something far more definite than any human can?

Credits

Ramadhan Diaries: My Miracle

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful

2.22pm
25 Ramadhan 1438H
Balakong

Phewww~ Just wrote my first 'intellectual' blogpost after so long ranting about my personal turmoil. Haha. Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal wa ala kulli ni'mah. Surely enough many things have happened in the 25 days of Ramadhan and the nearly one month of being here in Malaysia. It's been a month as well since I've left my clinical notes and I really do have to get back to them ASAP (God knows when that's gonna be huhu).

Nevertheless, alhamdulillah I am finally back to my old spirit, ready to get back on the pace of going through life accordingly. For the span of two months, I must say that I have been lacking so much in spiritual and emotional strength that had menzalimi not only my tarbiyyah, but those of my adik-adik.

Credits

Sad, me is sad.

What to do, damage is done. It's time to get back on track and continue doing what needs to be done. And to me, having back at least this small push is a miracle, because back then I thought that the only way to find peace is by death as memories embedded were too difficult to erase. Moving on, is my small miracle that I am so grateful for. Really, very.

*smiles*

Allah has eased this ordeal for me at least a bit, alhamdulillah. And with that, I would want to use whatever miracle that He has given me to do my purpose of life - a'bid dan khalifah. Jazakumullah khayran katheera everyone for the support, prayers and kind words. Without your help and Allah's will, I might still be sulking ever so terribly till today. Barakallahu feek.

If someone is going to change the world, they need to start it with themselves. And today, I'm starting that change with me.

Bismillahi tawakkal tu 'alaAllah.

There can be miracles

When you believe

Though hope frail

It's hard to kill

Who knows what miracles

You can achieve

When you believe

That's how you will

When you, when you believe

-When You Believe

Ramadhan Diaries: Motivasi Pecutan Terakhir

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful

12.14pm
25 Ramadhan 1438H
Balakong

Yesterday I had a chat with my parents on the dining table during iftar. It started with mom talking about 'imported' Nasi Berlauk from KB (Kota Bharu, Kelantan) sold in Putrajaya. The story began with the tale of how food vendors would take the 7am flight from KB to arrive around 8am in Putrajaya, bringing the 'authentic' Nasi Berlauk from KB and how people would purchase the delicacy for the price of rm6 compared to its original price of rm2 (due to the cost of transportation and import). I questioned the fact that people are so enthusiastic when it comes to food that they can go through lengths just to obtain what they want.

Listening to this, mom and and dad answered on the notion of business; supply and demand. The idea of importing food - especially fresh nasi berlauk, makes me wonder not only about the technical aspect but also the desire for such locally-made cuisine to travel on a flight from one part of Malaysia to the other. This is quite amusing, and also quite mind-boggling.

"Then maksudnya manusia ni kalau dia nak, anything can be made possible la kan? It's like the only barrier they have is their mind and thoughts, like do they really desire it."

Mom and dad had a hard time answering this, I don't know why. Maybe it's because they knew where I was heading with this question.

"I'm just really curious as to what motivates them, what drives them. You know, untuk makanan pun sanggup buat macam tu." To this question I wanted to add on, 'kalau benda dunia pun boleh semangat, kenapa benda akhirat tak boleh,' but I restrained myself because I didn't want to give my point away. And I wouldn't want to debate on things unnecessarily. I just wanted to know what my parents think about this, about human motivation and personal enthusiasm.

"You see kakak, when we talk about satisfaction, we talk about material."

Dad took the wheel of the conversation and began commenting on Rizq and how its manifested in many forms - money (cash and coins), food, vegetables, etc. All of these are of material substance and people, would work hard if they can visualize this material gain in comparison with something that can't be visualize; the unseen. In fact, its of human nature to want to gain concrete, visible items, and to this, I remembered the ayat from Surah Al-Imran.

"Beautified for people is the love that which they desire - of women and sons, heaped sums of gold and silver, fine branded horse and cattle and tilled land. That is the enjoyment of worldly life.."

(Surah Al-Imran, 3:14)

Because of this nature, eventually people wouldn't want to do things that others cannot see or they cannot picture visually. And that was how we ended the conversation.

We will only work for outcomes we can see.

Then orang beriman ni hebatlah kan, because they can work without seeing the end point. Heck, the end point isn't even available for viewing in this life.

"They arise from (their) beds; they supplicate their Lord in fear and aspiration, and from what We have provided them, they spend [infaq]. And no soul knows what has been hidden for them of comfort for eyes as reward for what they used to do."

(Surah As-Sajdah, 32:16-17)

I finally finished APG's Biar Tak Glamor di Dunia, Asal Popular di Langit Sana. In it, the central theme was sincerity - keikhlasan. I was attracted to the first few mention of social media; FB, Insta, Twitter, etc that has caused the generation to lose what it means to be sincere in action. We're so keen to publicize that at the end of the day, how we describe something to be valuable is by how well would it be accepted when we display it on these social platforms. We no longer value doing something secretly, we like to announce our pain and happiness, publishing even a meager cutting of red velvet cake to the whole mankind as a priority than thanking mom for making it. When we look at it, how can we truly embrace the meaning of sincerity when our intentions are countlessly being distorted by the idea of wanting our 'sincere' acts to be broadcast across the web? And this is not a disease of the youth only, adults and even old people care so much about beautifying their social media that work becomes secondary, responsibilities fall short - personal and career-wise, and people dying because of it.

So how does keikhlasan tie in with the idea of human motivation?

Kholis = tulen, pure, solely done for one purpose only
Humans can truly devout their life to its original, one-and-only purpose if they are able to understand what their purpose it. And by understanding this key element to life, they will be motivated to do what they are supposed to do.

"Human motivation, number one is derived from actual, can-be-seen-touched-and-felt objects. Number two, is by knowledge."

This, I agree with dad. Because if we're just derived by number one, then we're just like cats that are hungry and want food. Like dogs, that want to mate just because of their carnal desire to do so. We're no different than the animals around us which is pathetic because we are granted the ability to think and feel and ponder upon things. Why do we want to subject ourselves to the same level as animals?

Thus, in order to get out of this animal cycle of eating, mating and living, one must acquire knowledge. One must think about life itself. One must venture through the deepest core of what it means to be alive. And one must go back to the original, ultimate source that would lead to the answers of all these questions. Because really, you can't find an answer to a maths question in a biology book. And you can't t find your true purpose if you keep on rattling at the books and philosophies created by humans that they themselves aren't quite sure to the reason behind their existence. Questions like life and death, the meaning behind it, can only be hypothesize by humans. We come to conclusions, different ones indeed because we simply don't know why and what is our purpose here. So why do we repeatedly go back to philosophical scholars for questions we can actually obtain the answer from studying just One Book?

"(The Quran) is not except a reminder to the whole world"

(Surah At-Takwir, 81:27)

Next comes the tricky bit. Understanding one's purpose of life doesn't really dictate one's action to follow it. In fact, there's a difference between 'knowing' and 'understanding' and 'acting upon it'. Laws and policies are made in this world for people to adhere to. They are debated in the parliament, passed and are printed in the constitution of a country. Does that actually guarantees a person acting upon the law/policy implemented?

No.

Things can be printed. Like the regulation of having short hair of such and such length for male students in high school, some boys just don't get it. And so we have law enforcement. Teachers scolding them, penalizing them, cutting their hair for them in weird hairdos as to make them repent or at least be fearful to prevent any repetition of breaking the rule. Does that help? To an extent. The boys would definitely repeat the mistake, willingly, if they are not motivated to change. Same goes to all the problems we have in the world let it be crimes, money-swindling, bribery and abuse of power. People are motivated by the wrong things, and when they place the wrong things as their aim and goal, it will definitely lead to a destructive force that will ruin the human race. Look around you, don't run away. It's evident.

So what's true motivation? True motivation is iman. Because when you look at it, think about it, and use that brain for more than just scrolling through Instagram, you'll see that the outcome of iman is nothing other than goodness.

"O you who have believed, be persistently standing firm for Allah, witnesses in justice, and do not let hatred of a people prevent you from being just. Be just; that is nearer to righteousness. And fear Allah; indeed, Allah is Acquainted with what you do."

(Surah Al-Maidah, 5:8)

"And do not insult those they invoke other than Allah, lest they insult Allah in enmity without knowledge.."

(Surah Al-An'am, 6:108)

"O my son, establish prayer, enjoin what is right, forbid what is wrong, and be patient over what befalls you. Indeed, (all) that is of matters (requiring) determination."

(Surah Luqman, 31:17)

Tell me now, do you think the Quran is preaching hate? Do you think true Muslims with iman would want to pulverize the lives of humankind which will be the cause for him to rot in hell?

Please, think.

It's magical, how iman can change a person so much and how the Quran establishes this. In the age of the Prophet PBUH, the only lesson he gave to the sahabah was this Holy Quran. And how can the Quran with less to none Physics equation, Maths formula is able to derive a nation full of power, knowledge and humility towards mankind making it the most contributing factor to the world's economical, social, political and intellectual growth. Tell me, what was their motivation? What was the motivation of these sahabahs until they became Giants that conquered the world and spread the message of Life, of Islam?

What was it?

Redha Allah
The desire for Jannah
The fear of Jahannam
The belief of the afterlife
The belief of Judgment Day

That's why the can kholis, and purely do something for the sake of Allah. Because they believe in the unseen, and the unseen is Al-Haq. The unseen is what ultimate truth is. And if we can believe in the unseen nature of thoughts and emotions, why are we denying all of God's signs around us?

"Sungguh, (ayat-ayat) ini adalah peringatan, maka barang siapa menghendaki (kebaikan bagi dirinya) tentua dia akan mengambil jalan menuju Tuhannya. Tetapi kamu tidak mampu (menempuh jalan itu), kecuali apabila dikehendaki Allah. Sungguh, Allah Maha Mengetahui, Maha Bijaksana."

(Surah Al-Insan, 76:29-30)

So really guys, if for food-hunting you can go through such extremes, why not the same with Life? Because true living, is living to do your purpose in this world. If not, then you're as equal to a pen that can't be used to write and would be better off thrown in the dustbin.

May Allah choose us to walk the path of righteousness and grant us taqwa by the end of Ramadhan.

Selamat memecut sehingga ke akhirnya!

Ramadhan Diaries: 23, Blessed and Content

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful

12.49am
21 Ramadhan 1438H
Balakong

16 June 1994.
The day I was born, the day Aminudin Baki and Noor Baizzura had their first newborn.
I was heavy, more than 3.5kg and Mom had to go for a C-section.
All her three children were born that way eventually.

Last year I celebrated my birthday sleeping at Gatwick Airport after crying in Fiumicino thinking I'd miss my flight back home to Malaysia. Arriving at Dublin, I just scramed to Zumaro, had a quick shower and ran back to Dublin Airport to get my flight back home. Rome and Spain was truly an adventure, so many things happened yet it was so wonderful.

This year around, I'm celebrating my birthday by sewing up my umrah tudung by myself - an accomplishment for someone who keeps shoving up things for Mom to sew since kindergarten. Life has changed so much for me; physically, emotionally and spiritually. People have come and go, I've experienced pain and happiness I've never thought I would ever feel. And things have yet to unfold for me, I believe there'll be so much more to endure - the good and the bad.

Whatever it is, I hope I can smile at the end. And I hope Allah will be happy to welcome me back home.

*smiles*

Happy 23rd dear self. It's not too bad wishing yourself innit?

Ramadhan Diaries: Healing

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful

1.32am
19 Ramadhan 1438H
Balakong

"To make a distant heart and body reconnect again, an accumulation of experiences through using your body is most effective. As a cornerstone of becoming human, it becomes a blanket that warms the heart. 'True feelings' are roots that will definitely connect you to your 'self'."

-Cassandra

"I can't say things like 'The world is beautiful'. However, there may still be something in this world that can make me think 'It is' from the bottom of my heart."
-Livius

This world, is only but a mere game. A phase that will soon end, as much as how my 20 years of life has just passed me, death will soon come and I will fade away leaving nothing but shards of memories I don't know will remain or not. But Allah made this world for me to be happy, for me to use it so that I can reach contentment and learn to be grateful even for the small grain of rice I eat everyday.

It's weird how the world breaks you, yet at the same time, when you look at it deeply, it's the same thorns that became a potent remedy for the pain. 

Living is not so bad after all. And dying isn't either.

It's just a matter of perspective, and it's a matter of being grateful servants.

Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal.

Ramadhan Diaries: Ujian 3 Qul

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful

11.22pm
18 Ramadhan 1438H
Balakong

"Akak bukan nak kata awak, tapi symptoms awak ni macam orang yang ada depression."

I haven't been writing for 4 days. I forgot how the template for writing in here began with. It's terrible having to go through the next 10 days of Ramadhan after leaving the first 10. Nonetheless, I'm first going to share some tips on how to present 'Kaitan 3 Qul'.

Disclaimer: This will either be a lengthy post or a concise one for I am currently facing an episode of anhedonia, if it can be categorize by episodes rather than a progressive increase in intensity.

Last Friday I was given the chance to once again be a muwajih. The topic was to talk about the 3 surahs from Juz 'Amma which were Surah An-Nas, Al-Falaq and Al-Ikhlas. To prepare for the task it wasn't just about delivering the theory behind the three Surahs, it was about conveying the most important points - the fikrah behind each of the surah that is needed to support one's baby steps in tarbiyyah. So for the reason of having to dig in deep into the core of each surah, I needed help. So I asked around the more experienced people I know of that has gone through TfTs (Training for Trainers) and multiple times of delivering the surahs in their liqa' and came to these resources that could help.

1. UQY's recording
2. Akhwat's TfTs recording
3. Ummu Aliyah's blogposts on the 3 Surahs
Surah An-Nas - link here
Surah Al-Falaq - link here
Surah Al-Ikhlas - link here
4. Abu Al-A'la Maududi's 4 Istilah, Chapter Ilah and Rabb - link here

People who have gone through these 3 surahs a couple of times will find that to ensure that a mad'u gets the best out of their first days in tarbiyyah, these 3 surahs need to be well engraved and embedded in the heart. Because again, the Quran is an endless book of knowledge and wisdom. No one can confidently say that they have had enough of 3 Qul, ever. Or even any part in the Quran. This said, I will now begin extracting some of the main points a muwajih needs to hit - generally (you need to always talk with the murabbis involved first to know who your audience is).

Surah An-Nas
- Rabb, Malik, Ilah --> Explain how Allah uses these 3 names of His to create not only a close bond to humans, but also to show His superiority over the things that will act as internal barriers, tests, problems of the heart
- Ilah is an important part to explain. Even I got really wow-ed over it as I studied over the point in Maududi's book. Makes me wonder if I'm actually putting my own individual dreams as an Ilah
- Stress back on the fact that the evil we're trying to combat in Surah An-Nas is so powerful and invisible, we don't know when it's gonna come, it just does and so, Allah is emphasizing His ability to remove all that will trouble your heart in getting back to Him. And we, as he acknowledges Himself as our Ilah strongly accentuates the fact the He is that powerful to rival this evil that is so dangerous.

Surah Al-Falaq
- Evil is in all shapes and sizes, exists in daylight or night, can be because of its own natural course of existence and can also be due to an external input (people's envy)
- These external problems are actually not as scary as those that exists within us. As well know, our inner demons are far more scarier than what they eye behold. However, we still need protection from Allah nevertheless because these external elements can eventually hinder our well-being and destroy our chances to go back to Him.

Surah Al-Ikhlas
- Major part to stress on is keikhlasan kita dalam nak mencari redha Allah. It's all about the questioning part of whether we are truly kholis for Allah or not. Like, are the things we do truly directed for Him and follows what He wants us to do in the creation of humans? --> talk about our 2 purpose of life
- After the questioning, remember to remind the audience of how GREAT Allah is. And that is shown in each ayat of the surah. Ahad, As-Somad, Lam Yalid wa Lam Yulad, Wa Lam Yakullahu Kufuwan Ahad. These parts can not be missed because they encompass the strong foundation of faith when we want to truly kholis for the sake of Allah. This is because these characteristics of Allah is actually Allah's way of putting confidence in us of His ability, yet again, to ease our way back to Him, to ease our way untuk buat tujuan hidup. And who else can we run to eventually, other than Him?

Plus point: USE LOTSA EXAMPLES that is relevant to your audience. DO NOT TALK about something they can't relate to.

Overall --> All these Surahs can be linked in under so many hadafs (objectives). But one main thing that needs to be reminded is the word 'Qul' in front of all these Surahs - meaning that, one does not just learn the intricacy of the surahs without practicing its lessons. Iman itu dibuktikan dengan amal, and so that is one important thing to note, always.

Alhamdulillah that's done and it was well received by the sisters from Muar. Alhamdulillah ala kulli khayran ya Rabb, that's done. Now comes the story of me.

.....

After delivering Kaitan 3 Qul at Masjid Putra, I was in for a cascade of misery. One after another, Allah just threw things at me as He tests me of what I have said. And it's not easy really. I'm actually quite disappointed with myself, very much disappointed. I feel like I'm a failure at everything now.

I look at myself in the mirror and I can see black circles around my eyes. Everyday, they get bigger and darker. For the past 21 days, I have suffered terrible insomnia which I thought initially was just jet lag. I let it go thinking that it'll get better but it didn't. When I shut my eyes at night, I would need a minimum of one hour to silent my crazy thoughts before finally getting some sleep. And everyday, I wake up late feeling tired, moody and just not interested in life. I force myself to swallow all my sadness and move on with life. Which, is quite a challenge.

In the past month, I lost 5kg, and I could barely regain what I lost. I just measly got another kilo or two up in me, after I break my fast. I can see my cheekbones more prominent each day and my shoulders are just plain bone. I cry at the slightest of trigger, and they are everywhere - from the songs to the clothes, to the dramas on tv, to the small talk I have with my brother, all I do is wither and fall. I get agitated and emotional, it's hard to bite my tongue and just stay quite. And as I try to push myself everyday, the tendency to hurt the people that I love just skyrockets. That eventually resulted in dad being very cross with me earlier in the evening. And with that, I just lost all my chances untuk pergi program tarbiyah yang dah banyak tersusun untuk bulan ni and bulan Julai.

Does anybody, in their sane mind, think I like being like this?

I feel so pathetic. What's more worst is that despite my decision to no longer be affected by 'the incident', my body just won't accept it. I can't eat as much as I used to, I don't feel like I want to eat, I force food on myself until I feel like vomiting. I had to swallow my tears because crying, in this household, is clearly not accepted. Crying means that you're weak. Crying means your parents aren't taking good care of you. Crying means that you're not grateful.

Where else can I cry if I can't cry at home? At my parents?

Pfft.

And even when I cry in silence, if someone catches me, it's like I'm doing something so despicable.

I am so weak, so, so, weak. For the past few years I have tried to act all masculine, only to find out that I am a very soft-hearted person. I cry for people, I cry for myself. And sometimes I feel so stupid because I can't stop crying and I can't stop feeling.

I had to pinch myself to stop the tears from falling. I had to tell myself to not feel anything, to be numb. How am I suppose to laugh again when everytime I try to be happy, I would be reminded of how happy I was before. And I get scared to feel anything.

Because of this, I get edgy and I get emotional.

Do you think anybody wants to go through this intentionally?
Do you think anybody wants to frown at the parents that have loved them so much?
Do you think that I haven't tried hard enough to not think about it?

Do you think I want to make my dad angry and lose all possibility untuk pergi daurah, jaulah and jumpa akhwat?
And these are my life line when I was suffering back in Ireland.
Do you think staying at home, where all the memories are, will save me?

*sighs*

My parents will never know.
Even if they do, they'll shrug it off like always.
This pain is just mine, and only I can get through it.
I have to.

And to whom do I ask help?
To Allah, that's all.

I don't know anything anymore other than there's only solace in Him.
I don't know if I can move pergi wasilah tarbiyah.
I don't know if my adik-adik will be okay dengan kakak dia macam ni.
I don't know if there's gonna be a miracle anymore.

Like Maryam, I just feel like dying.
I just want to go.
I don't want to be depressed, not because of something like this.
Not because of someone who doesn't even care.
Not because of an incident that is so ridiculously pathetic.

Ya Rabb,
Sesungguhnya perlindunganMu adalah yang terbaik
and it is the only one I can seek of

Ujian 3 Qul, spot on.

#tazkiyahseorangsabr

Ramadhan Diaries: My Blogs are My Time Capsule

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful

8.23pm

14 Ramadhan 1438H

Balakong

I hope that even after so many days that have changed to weeks, and now months, soon to be years, go by, I am still able to love fearlessly and forgive endlessly.

I hope that my yearning for happiness and rainbows never fade, and that my ambitions will continue to grow and flourish. 

I am a person who is in love with words and the eloquence residing in it, making me a failure when it comes to direct-straight-to-the-point medical histories I need to present to consultants and interns. I am a person who takes into account the lines you type to me, and the sentences you give me and the promises you made to me. Though as per always, each sentence bears a different gravity to it, and so some promises mean more than others.

What I aspire to always be is a humble and grateful servant. Though I am no longer in the spotlight of my current education institute nor am I the leader-public-figure amongst my peers, I still hope that I am able to wonder my future children as I tell them tales of the sahabahs and share them the wisdom of my life.

And finally, because I am forever a 'hopeful' romantic, I hope that on the day that I do meet the love of my life, I can share with him the love I have for the One that gave me life - my One and Only Greatest Love of All Time. And the two of us will stand against the test of time, distance, wealth and glam. And we'll be happy, with our huge family of everyone from mom, dad, to grandparents, cousins, uncles, aunties, our beautiful children and all of our beloved ikhwah akhwat.

We'll be happy.

We will.

Biiznillah.

*smiles*

Ramadhan Diaries: Marriage

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful

12.58am
12 Ramadhan 1438H
Balakong

"Diam itu lebih baik. Kerana kita orang berbudi bahasa."

An almost two-hour talk with my parents. On the wisdom of their experiences, and their potent prayers, I hope I can start to sleep better tonight inshaAllah. And I hope I can focus more on what's more important for me, for my family and for my duty in this world.

And this video, pretty much sums up my reflection of the talk. :)

Thank you Mama, Baba, for raising me till I became who I am today. And becoming my saviors ever since my first fall, my first failure and my first major heartbreak. Allah has granted me the best gems I can ever ask for in life, and that's you both. I'll be Kakak and I'll make sure to be the best daughter I can ever be inshaAllah.

And Allah, You have never forsaken me ever. I'm glad that at the age of 23, I am able to know You so closely and to take Your words in the Quran as my solace and my guidance. And You, You gave me that gift, the best gift anyone can ever hope for. I hope I can make You proud of me, of making me exist.

*senyum*

"Setiap bencana yang menimpa di bumi dan yang menimpa dirimu sendiri, semuanya telah bertulis dalam kitab (Lauh Mahfuz) sebelum Kami mewujudkannya. Sungguh, yang demikian itu mudah bagi Allah. Agar kamu tidak bersedih hati terhadap apa yang luput dari kamu, dan tidak pula terlalu gembira terhadap apa yang diberikan-Nya kepadamu. Dan Allah tidak menyukai setiap orang yang sombong dan membanggakan diri."

(Surah Al-Hadid, 57:22-23) 

Ramadhan Diaries: Hope in Du'a

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful

5.53pm
10 Ramadhan 1438H
Balakong

When you've transgressed
And you feel like there's no way out
Always remember the story of Adam as
And how Allah still accepted him back
For Iblis are those who have lost all hope
While our father, Adam as
Still had hope inside him as he begged for Allah's forgiveness

"And when my servants ask you about me - indeed I am near. I respond to the du'a made by the supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me (by obedience) and believe in Me that they may be (rightly) guided."

(Surah Al-Baqarah, 2:186)

Ramadhan is a month to go back to Him
To cleanse the heart of things other than Him
And to believe in Allah
In everything that He has planned and ordained for us
For me, for you
For everyone

Jika kita melihat hidup kita ini sebagai satu urutan kisah yang mengikut caturan Allah Yang Maha Mengetahui, pasti kita akan berdamai dengan segala peristiwa yang Dia tulis buat kita.
Kerana kita tahu, bahawa dengan ilmuNya, Dia sedang menjaga kita dan sedang mematangkan kita agar akhirnya kita mampu utk pulang semula ke kampung halaman kita,
Syurga yang kekal abadi

*senyum*

Chin up and move forward warrior. Allah has plans for you and also a bunch of miracles waiting to happen lined up as well.

Ramadhan Diaries: Blissful Nostalgia

Bismillahirahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful

1.01 am
7 Ramadhan 1438H
Balakong

Yesterday marked the beginning of June - the month I was born in, my favourite Masihi month. Both June and Ramadhan coincide with each other this year, making it truly a special blessing for me (even if everybody thinks its not much of a big deal oho).

Yesterday was the day Allah gave me the opportunity to become a muwajih, it being my 2nd time after giving SU about two years ago. This time however, I am able to drive myself to the venue and how beautiful it is that Allah planned it to be at Masjid Putra - tempat jatuh bangun, menangis sendu, ketawa ria, bergolek tidur seorang Sabreena. The first time I came to Masjid Putra was in 2012 after a talk at the Prime Minister's Department not far away from the pink mosque. Who would've known that after that initial step I took with my PKTR-mates would transform the masjid from being just a one-stop masjid for praying Zuhr to a masjid I would frequent for the next 2 years of my pre-U studies. Coming back sparks back a cascade of memories, driving there on my own (even driving itself) became a huge milestone for me, and going through all these stints of throwbacks was both a test of iman and a source of gratefulness.

"Dan (ingatlah) ketika Tuhanmu memaklumkan, 'Sesungguhnya jika kamu bersyukur, nescaya Aku akan menambah (nikmat) kepadamu, tetapi jika kamu mengingkari (nikmatKu), maka pasti azabKu sangat berat."

(Surah Ibrahim, 14:7)

"Akak, you need to stop being a crybaby tau."

"*laughs* Okay, okay. Doakan akak ye. Akak ni memang suka berdrama, lol."

...

Jazakunallahu khayr adik-adik, kerana menjadi ladang pahala untuk akak beramal kepada Allah. Moga kita terus diikat dengan jalan iman, jalan dakwah dan tarbiyah.

*senyum*