Prove Your Worth

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

12.24pm
26 Syawal 1439 H
Balakong

In another 44 days I will be returning to Ireland inshaAllah. In another 48 days I will be starting my final year in NUIG inshaAllah. And after all that has happened to brought me to where I am today, I seriously cannot believe it - I am entering my last year in Ireland. There is a mixture of feelings thinking about the future days to come, I can't really put my head to it yet, I don't even know what to name it. A sense of melancholy comes in waves when I think about leaving my bumi tarbiyyah, no longer being able to return to it anytime soon. The place where I had my most fond memories and also my most heartbreaking moments. The place where I grew in such an immense magnitude, the place where I started my baby steps as a medical student.

How can I ever not miss you Ireland? My chest feels tight already thinking of the notion.

Also, in another 341 days before I leave my bumi tarbiyah, what have I done for the past 4 years for this land? Was I ever able to appreciate what I had? Was I ever able to kembangkan tarbiyah sebaiknya dibumi ini? Or did I just ruin it and left it in shambles?

That to me, is a far more crucial and painstaking question to answer.

*deep breath in and out*

Just now I saw Kak Wani's Whatsapp status and her words just stabbed me straight into my core,

"Senjata kita cukup banyak, cuma kuasa keikhlasan masih lemah utk capai threshold kemenangan."

*one tear drops*

Hati ni rasa dah makin keras, sekeras-kerasnya.
Ayat Surah al-Hadid terngiang-ngiang di telinga selalu.
Jiwa ini dah rasa makin lemah, selemah-lemahnya.
And here I am telling myself that I am one of the frontliners for Ireland.
Am I actually kidding myself?

But muslims, muslims are not like this. We are the people of Alhamdulillah. We do not fret and have low self-esteem, we should not be. We have God with us at our every step. Though sometimes I am mostly ashamed of my doings, my sins and my misdeeds, I tell myself that if you can't compete with the good-doers for their deeds, the compete with the sinners with their forgiveness. This however said, is no longer a zone I should play around with anymore. I should step up my game, I should fight my evil thoughts, my personal desires and my selfish wants. I am already at a place where I should be serious with what I do, and not tremble at the meagre provocation the people around me feeds me.

I want to come back stronger Rabbi
Making this promise already frightens me, but I have to force myself to do this

Berbaki 341 hari lagi di bumi Ireland (inshaAllah), I have to make my presence worth it
Berbaki 341 hari lagi sebelum segala-galanya berubah untuk seorang Sabreena, I have to change my attitude

*deep breath in and out*

It's been 5 years since I had you dear blog, please continue to be the witness of my growth and progress aite?

Distractions

Reminders

Benefits the believer

Katakanlah (wahai Muhammad): "Jika bapa-bapa kamu, dan anak-anak kamu, dan saudara-saudara kamu, dan isteri-isteri (atau suami-suami) kamu, dan kaum keluarga kamu, dan harta benda yang kamu usahakan, dan perniagaan yang kamu bimbang akan merosot, dan rumah-rumah tempat tinggal yang kamu sukai, - (jika semuanya itu) menjadi perkara-perkara yang kamu cintai lebih daripada Allah dan RasulNya dan (daripada) berjihad untuk agamaNya, maka tunggulah sehingga Allah mendatangkan keputusanNya (azab seksaNya); kerana Allah tidak akan memberi petunjuk kepada orang-orang yang fasik (derhaka)

Future Hubs

As silly as this sound, I promised myself to be honest kan? So here goes..

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

Alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah

I begin my speech with thanks to you for choosing me among the many women that could be your wife

I am full of flaws and I am not perfect in any way possible

I cannot guarantee you anything other than my willingness to try each and everyday of my life to be better, to love you and to care for you, for our family

I will be strong for Allah’s sake because I chose to come into this marriage with a zeal to build a long-lasting one

Filled with barakah, sakinah, mawaddah and rahmah

My CV might not be as great as yours

But my motivation, though it fluctuates, will always be due to my decision to be His loyal slave

And in that, I shall also be loyal to you

(More to come in the future when/if it becomes a reality)

*****

I am not, in any sense, wanting to return to the one that got away

I am, most definitely wanting to proceed with what Allah has planned for me

A plan I chose for myself, a plan I decided with His guidance

*smiles*

I am His first before anyone else

And I believe you are His too 

With that said future hubs,

Let’s be a great team. Be a good leader k?

With love and respect,

Your future wife.

Reminiscing Memories

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

1.01am

20 Syawal 1439H

Balakong

Today is a very touchy, feely day. I haven't reminisced for ages, always caught up with focusing on the future. And that's not me.

Frankly speaking, I've stopped all activities and thoughts of reminiscing because the past hurts a lot. A lot. And because of that I'm not able to enjoy it (reminiscing) to the fullest, I have no one to share it with that can appreciate it the same way I do. The beautiful days pains me, the memories that I revisit would usually cause my chest to tighten and this lump, this heavy feeling surrounds it ever so often. Some songs I can never hear again, some places are so hard to just pass by.

Now, now is the time where I just silence my thoughts. The time where I swallow this huge lump of burden and pray it leaves me after I fall asleep tonight.

I have always been sentimental. I hold memories and people dear to my heart though I'm very bad at catching up with everyone. Caring for people is second nature. I am at my best when I am able to honour these attributes of mine and actively engage with it. However, the events in life - though only a few - has restricted my usage of these qualities, making me shut them away to the very core, turning me into a person that shows less care towards others, even to the ones I love.

You see, loving someone can either make you or break you. It could even do both.

With love, there is loss and the episode of loss that I face last year has robbed me of my ability to write. Pain and sadness brings me to write an endless story of shattered dreams. Happiness, gratefulness, memories, urges me to weave even more words that glorifies God. These two situations are like waves but last year's pain still resonates within me causing my fingers an inability to celebrate the happy episodes of life as I fear that when I indulge in the perks of being happy, my downfall would be too hard to face. I sound like I'm a young brat that's wallowing in her sadness, you'd probably want to slap me and say, "Hey, get over it la dude!"

But truth to be told, it's not always an easy feat. My murabbi tells me to not show my weak side, and ever since then I've been rock cold. I don't like it, to be honest. I don't like it having to hide myself in a shell because of this vulnerability, this fear. I want to love and I want to be happy. I want this ache to go away whenever I see that name, whenever I think about relationships, whenever I pass through malls and stay in car drives. I don't want to lie anymore, not to myself, not to the world.

I am me. 

God made me this way. 

So please dear Lord, let me use my vulnerability and turn it to strength, for You.

"Allah tidak menjadikan seseorang dua hati dalam rongganya.."

(Surah al-Ahzab, 33:4)

Ya Rabb, I can only pray for You to patch up my heart. I think I've devoted myself too much to my own feelings, my own betterment and my own ailments. My wounds are supposed to be for You, my joy is supposed to be with You and my sadness should be because of my ill deeds towards You. Whatever that I'm doing which is not for You, please forgive me for it. Erase the feelings that are unneeded, that are toxic and that are detrimental to my imaan. Let flourish the values and attributes that can make me a better slave of Yours, a better daie, a better daughter and a better sister. And when the day comes, allow me to be someone's better half that will complete half of his Deen. Grant me the strength to support him and the resilience to create a house full of abiding little muslims.

Ya Rabb, I am lost without You. Please don't ever leave me.

Always lost, yet always found by God,

Sabr.