Reminiscing Memories

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

1.01am

20 Syawal 1439H

Balakong

Today is a very touchy, feely day. I haven't reminisced for ages, always caught up with focusing on the future. And that's not me.

Frankly speaking, I've stopped all activities and thoughts of reminiscing because the past hurts a lot. A lot. And because of that I'm not able to enjoy it (reminiscing) to the fullest, I have no one to share it with that can appreciate it the same way I do. The beautiful days pains me, the memories that I revisit would usually cause my chest to tighten and this lump, this heavy feeling surrounds it ever so often. Some songs I can never hear again, some places are so hard to just pass by.

Now, now is the time where I just silence my thoughts. The time where I swallow this huge lump of burden and pray it leaves me after I fall asleep tonight.

I have always been sentimental. I hold memories and people dear to my heart though I'm very bad at catching up with everyone. Caring for people is second nature. I am at my best when I am able to honour these attributes of mine and actively engage with it. However, the events in life - though only a few - has restricted my usage of these qualities, making me shut them away to the very core, turning me into a person that shows less care towards others, even to the ones I love.

You see, loving someone can either make you or break you. It could even do both.

With love, there is loss and the episode of loss that I face last year has robbed me of my ability to write. Pain and sadness brings me to write an endless story of shattered dreams. Happiness, gratefulness, memories, urges me to weave even more words that glorifies God. These two situations are like waves but last year's pain still resonates within me causing my fingers an inability to celebrate the happy episodes of life as I fear that when I indulge in the perks of being happy, my downfall would be too hard to face. I sound like I'm a young brat that's wallowing in her sadness, you'd probably want to slap me and say, "Hey, get over it la dude!"

But truth to be told, it's not always an easy feat. My murabbi tells me to not show my weak side, and ever since then I've been rock cold. I don't like it, to be honest. I don't like it having to hide myself in a shell because of this vulnerability, this fear. I want to love and I want to be happy. I want this ache to go away whenever I see that name, whenever I think about relationships, whenever I pass through malls and stay in car drives. I don't want to lie anymore, not to myself, not to the world.

I am me. 

God made me this way. 

So please dear Lord, let me use my vulnerability and turn it to strength, for You.

"Allah tidak menjadikan seseorang dua hati dalam rongganya.."

(Surah al-Ahzab, 33:4)

Ya Rabb, I can only pray for You to patch up my heart. I think I've devoted myself too much to my own feelings, my own betterment and my own ailments. My wounds are supposed to be for You, my joy is supposed to be with You and my sadness should be because of my ill deeds towards You. Whatever that I'm doing which is not for You, please forgive me for it. Erase the feelings that are unneeded, that are toxic and that are detrimental to my imaan. Let flourish the values and attributes that can make me a better slave of Yours, a better daie, a better daughter and a better sister. And when the day comes, allow me to be someone's better half that will complete half of his Deen. Grant me the strength to support him and the resilience to create a house full of abiding little muslims.

Ya Rabb, I am lost without You. Please don't ever leave me.

Always lost, yet always found by God,

Sabr.