Tuesday, December 12, 2017

The Soft Clinician

I promise myself today that no matter what happened to me, I will attend my responsibilities at the hospital with a smile. Those here are already facing mountains of difficulties and heartaches. Besides the clinical aid I provide, I want to at least ease the worry and pain they have to face, even if it is breaking bad news.

And no matter what happens at the hospital I will come home with a smile to my husband and children. Hubs will know that I need help and I will know when he needs comfort. I will cry and break down when I need to but not in front of my kids. Mum will always be strong for you little ones, she will try everyday to be a good parent inshaAllah.

Most importantly, I will uphold the flag of Islam with DnT and no matter how futur I become, I will, by all means, grit my teeth and get through my problems menggunakan ni’mat yg paling besar Allah bagi as my tool to achieve success brilliantly.

I will work hard for the ummah. I will try my best everyday inshaAllah.

2:214
------------------
أَمْ حَسِبْتُمْ أَن تَدْخُلُوا الْجَنَّةَ وَلَمَّا يَأْتِكُم مَّثَلُ الَّذِينَ خَلَوْا مِن قَبْلِكُم ۖ مَّسَّتْهُمُ الْبَأْسَاءُ وَالضَّرَّاءُ وَزُلْزِلُوا حَتَّىٰ يَقُولَ الرَّسُولُ وَالَّذِينَ آمَنُوا مَعَهُ مَتَىٰ نَصْرُ اللَّهِ ۗ أَلَا إِنَّ نَصْرَ اللَّهِ قَرِيبٌ

Adakah patut kamu menyangka bahawa kamu akan masuk syurga, padahal belum sampai kepada kamu (ujian dan cubaan) seperti yang telah berlaku kepada orang-orang yang terdahulu daripada kamu? Mereka telah ditimpa kepapaan (kemusnahan hartabenda) dan serangan penyakit, serta digoncangkan (oleh ancaman bahaya musuh), sehingga berkatalah Rasul dan orang-orang yang beriman yang ada bersamanya: Bilakah (datangnya) pertolongan Allah?" Ketahuilah sesungguhnya pertolongan Allah itu dekat (asalkan kamu bersabar dan berpegang teguh kepada ugama Allah).

Saturday, December 9, 2017

Mengikhlaskan

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

11.36pm
20 Rabiul Awwal 1439 H
Galway

This is a simple post to everyone that has loved me endlessly till today. I'm okay, I'm happy alhamdulillah. Allah has been so, so kind to me. Please don't pity me, but pray loads for me instead please?

:)

Doakan seorang Sabreena mampu menjadi doktor yang kompeten
Akhwat yang soleh lagi musleh
Hamba yang taat dan patuh
Serta manusia yang rendah diri serta tawadhu'

Jazakumullah khayran katheera

Aku menangkanMu Ya Allah atas urusan ini

Redhailah perjuangan hati ini

Moga kelak bakal melahirkan para syuhada’

Moga kelak bakal mewariskan dakwah suci ini

Dan moga kekal tsabat sebagai batu-bata agamaMu

#tazkiyahseorangsabr


Saturday, November 25, 2017

The One?

"It's one thing about choosing to be with a person. But it's also another thing to choose to stay with a person."
- Ami Samsuri

I'd choose Allah again and again, every single time without fail. I hope my other half will too. And with all the choices we'd have to make in the future, I hope we'll always choose each other and make things work no matter how terrible or beautiful life may be.



And yes guys, the random reflection actually came after starting Obs and Gynae. Will come up with a reflection post on this 4-week rotation before silencing myself to the books inshaAllah.

Friday, November 10, 2017

Paediatrics

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

5.41pm
20 Safar 1439H
CSI, University Hospital Galway

I've been away long enough that this place is starting to collect dust yet again. Though I must say, this year has been one of my most active year writing in this canvas. They say that when you're ridiculously in love or terribly heartbroken, you suddenly turn to become a poet. Maybe that's why Shawn Mendes made quite a statement when he 'requested' to be heartbroken by a girl in order for him to create better songs.

Putting all this irrelevant introduction out of the way, I'm currently still in CSI despite it being a Friday, despite it being dark and past maghrib, and despite my 'floppy' hijab (that I have brilliantly modified to a shawl version of the square hijab). Finishing my third week in Paediatrics has been splendid so far, although I am, actually very intimidated with the amount of knowledge expected from us by the end of the 4 weeks. Being a doctor soon feels so real now as the semester is about to end - it's already mid November peeps, June 2019 isn't that far.

Alhamdulillah today I was able to get my Ward-Based Assessment or more commonly called 'baby check' as I end my Neonatal Week. Yes, I do enjoy examining the babes but I do not enjoy it when they persistently cry as you flip them to check for ventral tone. Watching sick neonates, premies, is a very touching sight really. Can you even imagine holding a 1.3 kg baby? So, so small. So, so fragile. You're just so scared that you'll break them.

No joke.

We learned about the complications that a premie might develop post-natal and how the team manages these small fellas. We even had a go at practicing a neonatal resuscitation. Our consultants are completely fabulous and they really do show an immense passion in what they're pursuing as paediatricians.

So far, in the 3 weeks of this rotation, I have learned so much about these little creatures that are so different than us adults. Tutorials about common clinical presentations of children to congenital anomalies to developmental delay, they really were fascinating if not overwhelming. All of these might sound fancy, and as a medical student that is always keen to learn something new, I find that my biggest lesson wasn't in the pathophysiology or clinical picture of these myriad of conditions. What captivated me the most was the resilience displayed by parents, followed by the empathy of clinicians in treating these families.

Why do I say families?
Because once a child is diagnose with a terminal illness, the whole family is affected by it. The whole family struggles, the whole family basically 'shares' the disease with these sick children.

I'll ask you this. Can you go through a night with your child crying non-stop with a fever and a barking cough? Would you be able to just stay put seeing your child convulse for more than 30 minutes in the ambulance? And would you be able to go through the news that your child is diagnosed with a life-long debilitating condition?

It's not an easy feat dealing with this. One parent of a severely handicapped teenage girl came in to speak with us about her journey living with a disable daughter. It was so touching, it was so real. The difficulty in accepting her baby's condition, the guilt thinking that it was her fault to cause it, the bad days, the good days, the awkward situations. Her experience just demonstrates how human she is as she struggles to keep everything in place. I almost cried 3 times during that one hour session and I guess even now my eyes are teary as I write this down.

Parenting is hard.
And that's just taking care of normal kids.
What about those parents with special kids?
What if it was you?

What if it was me?

Can I go through an hour looking at my child crying and convulsing? Can I go through a day where my baby is ventilated with wires sticking out of every place they can get a line from? Can I go through nights when it's just me and my little girl in the ED as I cuddle her close because there's no bed in the wards to admit her?

Yes, paediatrics is tough. The number of cases are just massive, the possibility for a UTI to develop into a pyelonephritis and finally bring the baby into shock is there. Vomiting and diarrhea can be anything from simple gastritis to meningitis. Yes, it's insane and super tiring.

But imagine those mothers, imagine those fathers.

Betapa Allah nak kita belajar that we are so, so lucky to be healthy, He has to show us the worse case scenario in these children. I wonder today after that session with the mother who came in to talk with us medical students,

"Kenapa Allah buat macam ni kat anak-anak and these families eh? Is it because Allah wants to remind me of the ni'mahs He has given me? Just for me, a forgetful slave to remember Him?"

Sayangnya Allah kat aku
Sayangnya Allah kat kita

And yet we fail to see this
We fail to see How blessed we are
With all the gifts and potential, the strengths and abilities
Kita masih lagi nak menidakkan hak Dia?
We still run away from our SH
We deny Him all the gratitude He should have been given

As I type this down, tears have already left my eyes. How ungrateful am I sampaikan sudah senang nak putus asa just because Dia uji dengan sedikit masalah ukhuwwah.

Banyak sangat nikmat Allah, and really peeps, boleh ke kita nak hitung semuanya?


Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Inqilab

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

1.55am
10 Safar 1439H
Galway

Manhaj Inqilab al-Islam ni tajuk ucapan Maududi yg diberi di Universiti Aligarh, universiti yg berdekatan dgn Taj Mahal. Sangat best, tunggu kupasan di masa akan dtg inshaAllah.

For now, some reflection on bahan Inqilab and also on a personal resolution.

***

After three years of having at least 4 of us in an usrah, now comes the time when it’s just me, Ilyani and our murabbi sitting in a circle (a distorted one) for usrah, daurah, mabit, etc, etc. It’s not easy having to think, assess and come up with follow-up plans with just three brains but I guess Allah has prepared us enough to go through all this inshaAllah. There’s been so many things to juggle that it seems nearly impossible to get everything done as how we’d like it to be. But what is important, at least for me, is to just get it done.

I’m glad though for still being here even though it’s challenging day by day to keep everything in tabs - mutabaah, jaga adik, txt-call mutarabbi, study (oh lord study huhu), clinical activities - but with this big and important job I’m doing, it clearly helps me fight away all the ‘small’ things that really wouldn’t help in my development as a person, what more as a daie. 

Ujian datang utk membersihkan. And when we come out of tht mehnah, we will come out stronger and better.

It’s true.

And although it was undeniably painful, it was worth the ‘penyentalan’.

Perasaan pasca pengisian inqilab ni is to improve myself and improve my vision of the future I wish to see of my ummah. Dreams of creating a better tomorrow does not stop after I end my single-simpleton life. A dream tht’s linked by aqidah between two people, will continue to flourish as they’re united because fikrah yg sama akan menyatukan hati dua individu muslim membina baitul muslim ke arah mencapai ustaziatul alam.

There’s no more time to waste, dates for programs and exams are already in place, and soon, even life-changing dates will come into my calendar of life. 

Kalau sedih dengar pengisian inqilab through recording ustaz je, kenalah lepas ni besarkan istiab diri utk mampu tingkatkan tsaqafah and bina lg ramai murabbi ummah. Hubungan dgn Allah tu yg akan menjanjikan kemenangan Sabr, and tak perlu pun ramai org utk secure kemenangan agung. It’s not the numbers, it’s the depth of those being born from the tarbiyah tht you shape them with.

Penat weyh penat
But that’s just how life is
Alhamdulillah though
Because no matter what, my Lord is with me
Wahua ma’akum aina ma kuntum

And I know why I’m doing this
I clearly know why
It’s just to make you pleased with me Ya Rabb
So do grant all of us ease

*smiles*

Friday, October 20, 2017

Muayashah Skills

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

9.31pm
30 Muharram 1439H
Galway

Today I learned a super valuable skill during my GP teaching session in the afternoon. We had an interactive learning period under the topic Effective Practice in Facilitating Behaviour Change.

What it's all about is with regards to behaviour change, like changing a lifestyle or cessation of smoking or reduction of alcohol intake, etc. In this particular tutorial, we were given several activities that illustrated how difficult it was - as a human - to change the norms that we do in our everyday life. A habit sticks because we are so accustomed to doing it. And like how we were before we met tarbiyah, we had our sets of habits that weren't in accordance to how Islamic teachings were.

Dah 18 tahun ditarbiyah dgn tarbiyah jahiliyah, emang susahlah mau sental. What more if someone lives to their 50s with a particular bad habit, it would be challenging.

Thus, when we went through the many exercise given by the psychologist tutor, this tool that was invented by Prochaska & DiClemente has proven it's ability to assist us in understanding our mad'u and also pinpointing the most relevant method to address their pembinaan. It's pretty self-explanatory and after talking to many wiser and more experience people in the field, I believe that this is a good summary for all daies to emulate upon.


I am pretty sure that everything listed on the paper is actually known to everyone, but maybe not made into a particular way that could help retain the knowledge of nurturing human resource. So hopefully me putting this here would allow more murabbis to be able to use it as a guidance to facilitate perubahan mad'u dan perubahan diri masing-masing.

In addition to this post, I've made a YouTube video explaining how to use it in a tarbiyah-manner but is only available to akhwats/sisters. So if you'd like a peek, send me a comment below with your email and I'll send the link over.

Moga Allah berkati usaha semua murabbi dan mutarabbi diluar sana!

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Being Productive

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

11.46pm
27 Muharram 1439H
Galway

Urges to write come and go throughout the day as I mentally store all my thoughts and worries in a compartment of my brain that is actually so eager to be let out. Mentally blocking them away and replacing it with something else can only last me several hours before it comes back again. And what disappoints me the most is that I continuously feel like I need to update the world about my activities as though that's the way I'll ever feel worthwhile and that my life was worth something.

It's complex - this feeling I'm having now.

It's as though I'm comparing my present life all over again with the past that I have agreed to bury not too long ago. There's no regret, just a melancholy that comes hitting me again and again like the waves of the ocean moving against the shore. Or maybe it is regret, regret for not being cautious in taking care of my own heart.

I'm here now typing away in my blog as the clock hits midnight in Galway. Yesterday, Hurricane Ophelia came in to Ireland and Galway was one of the counties that was predicted to face the winds hard. I was in Dublin at that time so alhamdulillah nothing was too serious at that time for us but the ride back to Galway later in the evening sure was rough. To be honest, I was ready to leave the world. I slept soundly, not worrying about the stability of the bus being challenged by the horrendous weather. I don't think it was a suicidal ideation, it was more of like redha. Like I was ready to meet Him.

We arrived back home around 9pm and settled everything as should be. I slept that night feeling a slight emptiness within me. Maybe it's because Kak Nik Nur is going back soon and it'll be just me and Ilyani till Kak Diba arrives a few weeks later. Things are going more complicated, bahan usrah, tanggungjawab dakwah, fikir itu fikir ini, medical studies, case reports, 'future' arrangements, etc. I'm not asking for things to go easy, it never will. I'm glad that I'm getting busier, the fact that Allah still chooses me is a blessing, not a burden. And I'm not asking for a special someone to come to my life, listen to my rants or the sorts because with a special someone comes the special responsibility, and I'm clearly not fitted to withstand that might just yet.

The bruise is still there, it needs a bit more time.

I've learned that things are not easy, never will be easy and the journey to betterment will never cease to end. Healing my heart, working on myself, enjoying my life - all requires constant energy and focus. And up until now, after more than 30 minutes of writing, I think I'm able to address the bundle of emotional mess that's occupying my brain (like a space occupying lesion) and entangle everything one at a time.

One thing for sure that I've learned is that I need to stop digging into the past feelings and memories. I need to stop revisiting images over and over again. I need to stop being sorry for everyone, or feel superior over anyone, or feel guilty for the actions I made. I don't need to prove to anyone that I'm doing fine to actually feel that I'm doing fine. I'm getting better and I can't give up now. I have my mutarabbis to care for, my tarbiyyah to look after, my medical degree to finish, my future husband (eh) to look forward to, and my future children to educate inshaAllah.

I don't know if I'll be able to pull it through but for the time being, I have to make things work at least for my own sake lillahi ta'ala.

"Ya Tuhanku, anugerahkanlah aku ilham untuk tetap mensyukuri nikmat-Mu yang telah Engkau anugerahkan kepadaku dan kepada kedua orang tuaku dan agar aku mengerjakan kebajikan yang Engkau redhai; dan masukkanlah aku dengan rahmat-Mu ke dalam golongan hamba-hambaMu yang soleh."
(Surah An-Naml, 27:19)

Everyone deserves happiness Sabr, so don't be like those that rejoice over other people's suffering. Pray for goodness, for yourself and your sisters/brothers as well. Doa seorang muslim kepada muslim yang lain secara rahsia kan akan dapat semula kepada kita? Make connections with the light inside you that Allah has placed, and don't heed the whispers of syaitan surrounding your ribcage.

You're better than this Sabr.
Way better than this.

#tazkiyahseorangsabr


Monday, October 2, 2017

Attachments and Commitment

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracios, Most Merciful

12.51am
11 Muharram 1439 H
Galway

"Sabr, cuba bacakan ni kuat-kuat."


It all began with a long stare at the dining table, a 10 seconds daze during qadhaya and this small photo to give me a hint that she's struggling deep inside. I look at her from the red laptop I was using to type all the details of our qadhaya. She appeared calm as always, but there was a difference in her face as the time went pass 12.30pm and soon we finally finished everything by 1.30pm. She rushed to eat her lunch and we said our goodbyes.

This is the story of a sister that I just knew one month ago, yet has been the lifeboat that I needed to guide me in building my beloved mutarabbis. It was funny how we could all just talk about our tarbiyyah and our background stories so quickly, so honestly with such transparency. A month sure ended fast but it's as though I've known this ukht for more than the 30 days that I have been with her in Ireland.

This is also the story of her BM - the sacrifices she made, the sacrifices her zauj made, the love they have for the ummah and the faith they had in Allah.

Humans are attached to so many things, and Allah endorsed this in the Quran.

Beautified for people is the love of that which they desire - of women and sons, heaped-up sums of gold and silver, fine branded horses, and cattle and tilled land. That is the enjoyment of worldly life, but Allah has with Him the best return.

(Surah al-Imran, 3:14)

This just shows how much we are attached to people, material, pride and prestige. If we defy this tendency of ours, then we're really actually defying ourselves and our nature. But look at the end of the ayah when Allah stated that all these attributes that are beautified for us, that we cling on, are actually just of the worldy life, and that to Him is the best return.

Allah's acknowledgement of our character just shows how much He knows us. With His vast knowledge, He redirects us to an even better reward - Him. Allah nak cerita kat kita, bahawa meskipun segala yang kita kerjakan di dunia, segala yang kita usahakan dan kejar di bumiNya, pengakhiran yang paling baik itu adalah dengan Dia dan bukanlah terletak di dunia.

This particular sister just graduated about 5 months ago, probably got married for only about 3-4 months but her vision for her BM transcended that of what the earth can offer her and her preparations to step-up to the 'game' was not merely out of 'liking' the man she calls her husband now. As I look at her zeal and follow her wisdom, she clearly knows why she's committing to DnT. She's not one of those akhwat that just uses the term ber-BM to make her marriage sound 'usrah-like'. She might be small and petite but her courage and willingness to work with us even though she barely knows anything about us and our adik-adik initially, shames me to the core.

'Kakak ni betul-betul nak buat tujuan hidup dia. Betul-betul cinta dan sayangkan dakwah, betul-betul ikhlas nak menginfaqkan diri.'

She just got married yet she chooses to be with us straining our brains thinking about the best way to sampaikan fikrah and bentuk our little sisters to be the best muslims they can be. She leaves her husband at home (dengan izin beliau) to come for usrah in Lucan, to come all the way to Galway, to listen to all my rants and concerns and to love our adik-adik like her own mutarabbis. She does her duties at home, cooks for her husband, pleases him and dresses up for him, but when she needs to be with us, she delivers her 100% focus and time to attend to the call for jihad.

This kakak, she's just amazing wallahi.

I look at her and I'm ashamed.
Then I remember my murabbi and her zauj.
Double whammy malu tak tahu nak cakap apa dah.

I know she's struggling, both of them are. Segala apa yang telah mereka outline-kan before nikah kini telah datang sebagai ujian buat mereka berdua. It's hard I know, I can see it, I can feel it and to an extent, I can even understand it. Tetapi kerana kejelasan pada matlamat, they are still persevering through. This causes me to reflect on another couple - my murabbi and her zauj. Her story is more of a roller-coaster than the sister I am actively mentioning here. Being married for 8 years already, my murabbi and her zauj has gone through so much I can't even put it into words the amount of lessons I learned from them. And it's not even anything verbal - it's what I observe and what I see from them. Apatah lagi yang dah bertahun-tahun dalam dakwah. T_T

Weyh, BM yg sebenar ni sangat menduga dan penuh dengan cabaran.

But you know what, despite knowing that we'll have to sacrifice ourselves utk dakwah, I believe that this way of marriage really is a sakinah. Sebab kita mendapat sakinah itu daripada Allah atas usaha kita utk terus memilih Dia daripada memilih pasangan kita dan kesenangan hidup. My murabbi and her zauj might not have random holiday trips, they come home late from work, sometimes time together is taken by minding over little Ukashah but you know what, when we found a small birthday card that my murabbi's zauj wrote for her with the words 143, the weight of those words and its immense meaning just resonates within my heart.

It's warm, it's genuine, and it's real.

I know not everybody can do this. Only the people that Allah chooses can truly lift up to the standards of following the teachings of Rasulullah in their marriage. But everyone can try to illustrate Rasulullah's teaching, everyone can work to make themselves be the chosen ones. It's not a piece of cake, and looking at that sister and her zauj just hits me to the core that it's not going to be any easy.

Tapi dalam kesusahan dan dugaan ini ada rahmah, dalam peritnya berkorban ada manis di dalamnya. Imagine coming home to a husband/wife that's trying her best to secure you a place in Jannah. She is using the freedom you give her utk sampaikan dakwah Islam, and he is using his time and energy to bring you to everlasting happiness. At the same time, dua-dua berbakti sbg salah satu komponen masyarakat yg penting dalam profession masing-masing. Coming back probably would just be two tired faces, but the stories and sacrifices shared is just so precious.

Sweet weyh.
Lagi sweet daripada balik to a bed of roses.
Kerja sama-sama nak bangunkan Islam.
Pergh, memang sangat sweet.

True, that there are days when you're not always going to think it's a happy occassion utk menginfaq diri dan pasangan. Some days you'd just be so clingy, or so sentimental and emotional. Bukan petik jari je nak berbahagia dalam beramal dakwi ni. Apatah lagi when the little ones come. T.T

Tapi bersama setiap kesusahan ada kemudahan.

And it's useful to have a partner that reminds you of that, rather than someone that just treats you to fancy dinners hoping it'll cure your sad soul.

Orang yang commitment dia adalah Allah, maka dia akan bahagiakan kita mengikut kerangka yang Allah suruh. Bila kita sama-sama buat macam tu, takkanlah Allah taknak dalamkan lagi perasaan cinta antara kita dan pasangan kita?


Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Self-guilt

No more self-guilt dear self
It wasn't your fault that they left
It wasn't your fault that he left

You need to trust yourself
And you need to trust other people
And you need to trust your future

Most importantly, you need to trust Allah
Kerana Allah itu mengikut sangkaan hambaNya

57:22
------------------
مَا أَصَابَ مِن مُّصِيبَةٍ فِي الْأَرْضِ وَلَا فِي أَنفُسِكُمْ إِلَّا فِي كِتَابٍ مِّن قَبْلِ أَن نَّبْرَأَهَا ۚ إِنَّ ذَٰلِكَ عَلَى اللَّهِ يَسِيرٌ

Tidak ada sesuatu kesusahan (atau bala bencana) yang ditimpakan di bumi, dan tidak juga yang menimpa diri kamu, melainkan telah sedia ada di dalam Kitab (pengetahuan Kami) sebelum Kami menjadikannya; sesungguhnya mengadakan yang demikian itu adalah mudah bagi Allah.

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Among Those That I Miss

Among the things that I miss is browsing through pictures of friends all around the world attending program tarbiyyah. Now lagi banyak org post about their marriage life, working life and post-graduation life that it feels kind of sad and empty to see the walls yg dulu penuh with kata-kata hikmah para sahabat dan tadabbur al-Quran dipenuhi update pasal scholarship and politik lokaliti semasa.

Not that I don't agree with it. People are constantly moving from one phase to another. Who am I to tell them to stop or live as what I deem they should be. 

Sekarang ni, teramatlah ajaib utk jumpa manusia berumur 23 tahun dan keatas yg masih ad that youthful zeal utk bangkitkan Islam semula melalui maratib amal. Sekarang ni, lagi mudah jumpa org yg post pasal day out with friends prgi resort mahal atau travel trips atau their partners atau their job atau their uni achievements sahaja. 

Ikhwah, akhwat,
Aku rindu zaman kita masih muda
Tatkala kita semua masih segar dgn fikrah tarbiyah
Dan bersemangat utk hidup dibawah naungan al-Quran
Kemana perginya dirimu setelah sekian lama kita tak ketemu?
Aku harap kau masih lg memegang Allah sbg paksimu
Meskipun mungkin, toriq amal dan fokus kita sudah berbeza kini

:'

Yes, I truly miss those younger days. When I would hear about tujuan hidup and IDQ as normal as I would hear about the sun and the rain.

Moga Allah tsabatkan kita semua atas siratolmustaqim.

Rindu those three from the right :'(

Needs

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

12.10am
14 Zulhijjah 1438H
Galway

I needed Allah not because I want to be labelled 'alim' or 'solehah'
I needed Allah because I really need Him in the days that I feel like giving up
In the days that are bland and monotonous
Because if without Him, where else can I go to heal this broken heart 
Where else can I go to re-wire my messed up thoughts

I needed tarbiyyah not because I wanted to be above everybody
Heck, there's easier and better ways to gain popularity and fame than being in tarbiyyah
I needed tarbiyyah because without it I'll lose all hope
I might end up making mistakes that can never be mended
And act without any shame, doing everything to my heart's desire

I need du'as
Everyday
Because you know what,
If I'm working through life on my own
Without others sending me their prayers
I might not be here
In tarbiyyah
Or taking medicine
And right now
I super need du'a
Rasa macam nak terjelopok dah ni
That level of procrastination and laziness is coming to a peak in this wave of yazid wa yankuz

Bak kata sahabat Rasulullah SAW,
"Aku tidak takut doa aku tidak dimakbulkan, yang aku takut adalah jika aku berhenti utk berdoa."

Moga Allah jadikan kita mereka yg Dia pilih
Utk terus ikhlas dan beramal utk memenuhi jihad tujuan hidup kita
Because I need His guidance, His power and His kindness
To get through this
And I know you peeps would need it too



Holy Quran 29:69
------------------
وَالَّذِينَ جَاهَدُوا فِينَا لَنَهْدِيَنَّهُمْ سُبُلَنَا ۚ وَإِنَّ اللَّهَ لَمَعَ الْمُحْسِنِينَ

And those who strive for Us - We will surely guide them to Our ways. And indeed, Allah is with the doers of good.

Friday, August 25, 2017

You Prove It By Actions, Not Merely Words

It's burdening
If you don't do it for the sake of Allah
It's going to be tough and hard and tiring
If we just place our strength as the benchmark for our efforts

But it'll be embarassing
If we just spout out an endless stream of words
Yet fail to uphold it with our actions

We'll make ourselves the laughing stock of all mankind
And bring shame to the dai'es around the world

Sometimes I don't even feel like I am worthy to be called an akhwat
When all I do is continuously humiliate myself in front of my Lord and His creation

But as the saying goes,
"Malukan diri depan Allah, menghina diri hanya dibenarkan apabila berhadapan dengan Dia,"
I guess it's enough already
Ranting and complaining
Brutally murdering my self-esteem
And making myself look so petty

Enough should be enough
And happiness, sadness or worth should only be directed to Allah 
Kerana kemuliaan itu datang dari Dia
So why go somewhere else to attain that?

Words can only mean so much
But what we do proves what our principles are







P.S: Leaving the public writing arena utk mantapkan tazkiyatunnafs and keikhlasan. Mohon doa kalian semua :)

Thursday, August 24, 2017

Religion is Not A Commodity

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful

7.20pm
1 Zulhijjah 1438H
Lucan

Religion is not a commodity.
Allah did not choose us to be muslims just so that we can reap the benefit of it.
It would be unfair wouldn't it?
For lazy, complacent, irresponsible 'muslims' to be given a place in Jannah just like that.

I am actually very embarrassed of myself as I keep on repeating about the bountiful blessings Allah has bestowed me when I have yet to serve him with the servitude that is so rightfully His.

Banyak cakap pasal syukur tapi badan seolah tidak mengambil ibrah daripada syukur tu
Hati masih lagi merasai berat mahu memikul beban dakwah yang saban hari makin meningkat
Jiwa seolah dihimpit dengan batu besar apabila melangkah semula ke medan jihad bumi Shamrock

Belum cukupkah lagi Allah menunjukkan kuasaNya?

Religion is not a commodity.
Allah doesn't owe us anything.
In actual fact,
We owe Him everything.


Monday, August 21, 2017

Summer Break 2017

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful

12.59am
29 Zulkaedah 1438H
Balakong

Another 8 hours till take off, another 8 hours till I embark back to Ireland. It's been an exciting and beautiful journey for my heart as it recuperates from the craziness that happened during my second semester of third year.

I'm planning to write more, but I'll keep this section locked down for the time being as I sleep for tomorrow's early wake. I promise it won't be like my elective posting reflection that I've kept barren for a month already.

*peluh besar*

Please pray that I get this piece done because there's so many people I need to send my appreciation to. Above all, alhamdulillah Ya Rabb for granting me this peace of mind and heart. Thank you Allah for allowing me to have peace with the person that have left me - I learned that nothing was actually lost, it was more of me gaining so much more.

I'll write peeps inshaAllah. Doakan saya! :)

***
11.31pm
29 Zulkaedah 1438H
Lucan

Alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah. After 17 hours of flying across continents and rushing through Heathrow Airport, both me and me best pal have safely arrived in Dublin. It feels so surreal to be here inside my murabbi's study room knowing that next week will be start of the new term. 

To begin my appreciation post I will start with a disclaimer

This piece is a personal piece. It's not that I haven't been writing so much about myself and my life that I need to place this disclaimer beforehand, but it's just to remind the many people out there frequenting my blog to know that this particular post is not food for thought so you can skip all this nilly-willy if you're searching for some juicy ideas or opinions. Then again, I invite anyone to read ahead if you feel comfortable enough to delve into my humble circle of gratitude and happiness. Khabar baik dan nikmat Allah kan utk dikongsi dan dimuhasabah bersama? :)

Summer as a whole
It was spectacular subhanallah ^^. It began with a resolve to nurse back my broken heart and allow time for it to heal. I was ready to meet so many sisters and indulge myself in the many plans I've arranged before the summer break began. Some were made to realization, others, were just too unrealistic so it didn't work (haha). Nevertheless, the 3 months were fruitful and eventful. Though not as what I'd expected it to be initially, I believe that all which had happened was the best for me. And that hadaf utk merawat hati dan mengambil semangat akhwat Malaysia was attained - yeayy. Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal.

*senyum*

I'll break down the highlights of my summer break inshaAllah. Here goes..

Ramadhan
I was able to spend the whole length of Ramadhan this year in Malaysia - at home with family. It was a different experience coming home and going through the loops of emotional conquest as I trotted the roads in Malaysia on my own. Feelings of emptiness came as fast as it was negated so there was a constant battle to ensure that my focus was on Ramadhan, not on the hurt that was trying to become even more malignant. I celebrated my birthday during this holy month, alhamdulillah. It was my first year celebrating it 'alone' or so what I'd call it to be. However, during this time that I felt most lonely, Allah decided to sooth me with His words in the Quran, family that were always there and friends who revealed the weight of how much they truly cared. I cried reading the ending of Surah At-Tur and the beginning of Surah Al-Najm as it speaks about how we should be patient towards all that Allah has ordained for us as He is watching. I was even more touched when I read through the part that Allah said, "Apakah manusia akan mendapat segala yang dicita-citakannya? Tidak! Milik Allah-lah kehidupan akhirat dan kehidupan dunia."

*basah*

In this beautiful month as well, I had a breakdown, a meltdown, a period of exuding depressive symptoms. I'd blame myself for all of it because I was the one who signed up for it, yet I was unable to go through the aftermath of what was already entitled to it. I almost lost all hope in men, had trust issues even towards Sayyid Qutb and IHAB. Gosh, it was horrible astaghfirullah. May Allah protect all akhwat from ever having that much of a trust issue with the other gender. I'm glad though that I had my murabbi to vent to, my parents to seek insight from and Allah to cure all that came before, during and after it happened. Alhamdulillah Ramadhan ended with me going to Umrah and that it its entirety deserve another sub-section down here.

Umrah
This was my dream ever since 2014. I wanted to go to Makkah so much that I've always imagined it in my prayers every now and then. Even after coming back, that yearning never actually fades away. Every time I'm reminded of the Holy Land, there's this gush of emotional longing that comes surrounding my chest. It really is remarkable how you'd only remember the goodness of Makkah and Madinah while all the 'challenges' of its environment and people just dim away.

The first time I saw Kaabah, it was so emotional that I just felt like wanting to prostrate right then and there, thanking Allah for the opportunity to finally view His House with my very own eyes. Doing tawaf for 7 times, sa'ie from Safwa to Marwah to and fro another 7 times, just being in Masjidilharam itself was so soothing that I really didn't want to leave at all. But alas, we came here on a family trip, so what's more important is to keep the essence of going to umrah with family - not by myself, not just for my own sake.


Alhamdulillah we were able to do all the three umrah sessions with our mutawif as a group well. Good job for the whole fam! *wink2*'

However, we weren't able to do much ibadah sunat; iktikaf, tawaf sunat, solat sunat and the likes, there wasn't much opportunity for this because we're all quite sick. Mom was coughing terribly, Dad had fever, Ammar and I also had the nights when we became ill but Adik, of all people (she has asthma kot) was fine throughout the 14 days. We experienced the many trials of iman as a family and we succeeded through it as a family. Alhamdulillah ya Rabb, I am blessed so, so, much I dunno what to say anymore as those 2 weeks ended for us.


One of the trials that has haunted me throughout the trip was about my past feelings that have yet to fade away. On the first week of umrah, it was the first week of Syawal. Everyone was excited updating their Raya pics on social media. Me, being utterly dense, went on Instagram and found images of what I shouldn't be seeing. That caused a roller-coaster ride of tears and disappointment that I could not contain on my own. I made a special du'a, I need to move on and I need to pray for that person's betterment. (I cannot be jahat la I dunno why, Sabr please die haha) Besides, I have even better things to focus on, better and bigger missions to fulfill with the life Allah gave me. I am made for better, not just all this emotional rubbish I feed my mind with.

The length of stay in Haramain then came to an end, together with all the uneasiness I had in me regarding what had happened above. I was given the light, I was shown the way. And for some reasons, I knew that my future was never with him.

Elective posting
This was soooooo interesting I will not change my three weeks with something else - other than to do tarbiyyah-related stuff - even if I was given the chance to. Being in PPUM, studying in the wards and attending seminars in the building was like a dream come true. I've always adored Universiti Malaya since I was a child. With dad working in PPUM and all three of us being born there, there was like an attachment to the place that I felt so close to it since my younger years. I had to pay RM600 for those three weeks of elective posting, so if I can suggest other people, maybe choose KKM hospitals instead for your elective posting because this one costs a Gold Mine [exaggerating]. Nevertheless, the opportunity to attend psychiatric clinics, meet real patients with mental illness, seeing how methadone clinics are done and tagging along with the docs + profs + med students were amazing. Everyone was so helpful. Every week Wen Tzien would send me a full list of what topics will be covered during our seminars and case conferences. Every week Prof Koh would drill us on H&P skills that we'd feel exhausted after the 2 hour tutorial - twice! And every week, I get to study in the MedFac Library which is my fav spot to just doze off or read really thick medical books.

Fav library sebab tak ramai orang (haha)
The best team I can ever ask for, with the kindest Prof Koh. #sisrindu
Psychiatry to me is like a calling. It feels so natural once you get the hang of it. I like how the questions we probe patients would eventually lead to the diagnosis. I am fascinated to learn more about the reward centre of the brain and how it over-reacting can lead to addiction. To learn my first clinical psychiatry in one of favourite local hospital just makes my enthusiasm sky-rocket to the top.

Or maybe that's just me, crazy enthusiastic over new knowledge.
*laughs*

They say to find something that you like and choose that for your elective posting. But if you're anything like me, who knows that unknown specialty could actually be your most favourite right?

Brunei, Bohey Dulang, Sabah and all things Tarbiyyah
Love, love, love and more love.
My lifeline gais, my lifeline.

Brunei

DKDP

Bohey Dulang

I think Allah knew so well that my life, in its entirety, would just go to ruins if I wasn't place in gerabak Dakwah and Tarbiyyah. I've told myself countless of times and am truly convinced that life ahead would be dark, terrible and grim if I wasn't placed here. This however, doesn't mean that it's all sunshines and rainbows when we talk about tarbiyyah. Despite the increase zeal and passion I have whenever this topic comes to attention, life with the sisters in DnT is no walk in the park. To achieve the sweetness of jihad, one must first understand the reason behind such struggle, be willing to struggle and continue to be a part of that struggle with or without achieving any tangible results at hand.

Being here, my faith and principles were put to the test. And it was no simple test I tell you. Choices needed to be made, sleep and money needed to be sacrificed, preference and comfort needed to be put at the side, plus many other miscellaneous items that are yet to be listed here. It was harder seeing how my parents would frown at my decisions, but what needs to be done, needs to be done. (Balik prog come back home and clean the house and see what I mean when I say we ain't got no time to waste peeps huhu)

It's my second year visiting Sabah and all the lovely souls there. It feels as though we're so close now as I view their Whatsapp status and get their Hi-s and Hello-s whenever mine just sound like I'm down in the dumps. Kak Ana has always been that welcoming, saving grace everytime we sound like a bunch of lost chickens not knowing what to do or where to head off with all the plans in our head. Although we didn't actually set foot at Bohey Dulang, Sibuan and Matabuan were still two beautiful islands with clear blue sea that the akhwats definitely enjoyed. My best try at being 'pro-active' was lying on my back as I float through the waters with my face tanning (more like getting scorched) under the heated sun. Yes, I didn't do any snorkeling, please don't hate haha.

I enjoyed the stars and the warmth of the company I had with me. We shared stories and ideas, sat down in circles and just savoured the moment together as we listen to Kak Azwa sharing her advices when it came to being frontliners at our own waqi'.

This summer, I was able to become a muwajih for 3 different topics in which the last one was quite a challenge. I enjoyed every bit of it, the process of brainstorming and finding the correct points to suit my audience, the delivery of my speech, and the feedback I received - good or bad. It enhanced my skills and the way at how I look into giving out a particular topic. No longer was it a syok-sendiri kind of talk, banyak kena sucikan niat, banyak kena muhasabah dan mintak bantuan Allah, banyak kena analyse and fikir apa cara terbaik utk hit point supaya kata-kata kita berkesan. Dan yang paling penting is that the words lahir daripada hati nurani org beriman yang suci.

The most important thing that I've learned was about sacrifice. Every year, it's the same theme but always with new lessons to learn from. As we grow older in tarbiyyah, we'll be given even bigger mas'uliyyat. And with great power, comes great responsibility. There's no room to mess up because we know the gravity it holds when we do. We have more mad'u to cater, more people to think and care about - so mutabaah amal kena jaga lagi rapi. Hafazan kena tingkatkan, bacaan kena up lagi, tsaqafah kena tinggi, akhlak kena jaga. Mau pitam jugakla kalau all these increased weight of duty is placed on a weak heart.

"Sy syg awk tp sy x bersetuju ape2 tindkn dahulukan benda lain berbanding dnt... sy doakan awk kuat dan sy kuat utk dahulukan dnt drpd apa2 kerisauan yg lain... amien"
- Kak Ana -

It's not an easy path.
Dan kekuatan itu bukan lahir daripada hati yg lemah ini semata.
Allah-lah yg memberi segala kudrat tu
Seriously, no joke peeps

p.s: I love my usrahmates and murabbi. <3 <3

Family
I love them. From my parents to my siblings to my grandparents and to my relatives. I have finally learned the value of blood ties and family relationship. Took me long enough to had that embedded in me, took me long enough to even begin cherishing these bonds that I have only known to dislike in my yesteryear. Please ya Rabb, I hope I can do my best to serve them in Dunya and secure them a place in Jannah. 





Friends
During this summer break, I was able to meet with a number of my friends, let it be those that I'm close to or not. I met friends whom I've never seen for years, talked on the phone for hours with those that I've only been in contact through social media and went to two weddings (alhamdulillah Allah sempatkan). I've seen how a friend can sacrifice and how a friend truly cares. Patience, persistence and honesty was displayed in one of the friends I have known which I hope one day will pay off for that person. Give them goodness ya Rabb, only goodness in this life and the next.

All in all, I think I owe this post more colour and pictures but I'll leave it to be until Ukashah gives me time to decorate this piece. Till then, I pray Allah grants me steadfastness to always choose Him and DnT first above all else. I pray Allah allows us to be His slaves and soldiers till our death arrives to us, and I pray Allah guides us to be the best version of ourselves in the many things we will do in life.

Alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah for this year's summer break.
Jazakumullahu khayran katheera for all that has coloured my days back home in Malaysia.

:)

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Sampai Bila Lagi

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful

9.00pm
22 Zulkaedah 1438H
Balakong

This is a cry. A cry to all people out there that I need help to fold up the clothes piled up on my family sofa.

*kidding*

Nevertheless, this is more than just a cry. This is a scream, a loud one, that if I can actually vocalize the volume of this post, I would end up losing all of my voice in one shot.

On the news today, there was some coverage with regards to the Nothing To Hide 2.0 forum held in Dewan Raja Muda, Shah Alam. Unable to fully listen to the news update, I opted to find some videos regarding the issue on Youtube - not really knowing that it actually caused an uproar. The situation was so heated, there were chairs flying and lights flaring with smoke, people were fighting inside and outside of the hall, it was chaos. Reading articles regarding the event on the internet makes me feel so unsettled. 

Several days ago, Pindaan Akta 164 with regards to divorce issues between couples (in which one of them reverts back to being a muslim) has been passed. And with the passing of this act, children of the married couple will continue to follow the initial religion that funded the marriage before one of the parent reverted. The religion of the child will then be decided after they reach the age of 18, with the agreement of both parents. Sounds fair, if we follow the way 'human-rights activist' put it in front of us. And like it or not, the way we think is actually bit by bit following the way that of a 'human-rights' view as compared to how the Quran and Sunnah shapes it to be.

Before this change is implemented, the religious status of a minor below the age of 18 was as follow. 




Rupanya dalam nak 'memartabatkan Islam', we allow another right to overthrow the syariat of Islam. Bukankah kemuliaan Islam melebihi segala yg lain? Bukankah masuk Islam tu secara keseluruhan?

*pening*

Not to mention the incest case that has been going viral regarding the 37 year-old father facing 632 sexual assault charges towards her 15 year-old daughter, in which he has committed these detestable acts for the span of two years. That's awfully a ridiculous, abominable thing to do to a young girl especially to your own blood. She was the age of my sister when all these monstrous abuse came to her, by the man she calls father nonetheless. I am disgusted, so disgusted at how shaytan is able to place us at an even more savage level than that of animals. 

And then there's the rising case of Islamophobia all around the European countries, the never-ending manipulating of how a 'modernised' Muslim should be like by the Western media and the label of terrorism being connected to (even) practicing Muslims by the global community at large. In today's world, Rasulullah's hadith is clearly being set into play.

From Thawban r.a,
Rasulullah saw said,
"The nations are about to call each other and set upon you, just as diners set upon food." It was said; "Will it be because of our small number that day?" He said; "Rather, on that day you will be many, but you will be like foam, like the foam on the river. And Allah will remove the fear of you from the hearts of your enemies and will throw wahn (weakness) into your hearts." Someone said; "O Rasulullah! What is wahn?" He said; "Love of the world and hatred of death."
(Sahih: Related by Abu Dawud (no. 4297), Ibn 'Asakirin in Tarikh Dimashq (2/97/8) and others. It was authenticated by Al-Albani in As-Sahihah (n0. 958))

Looking at the numerous issues between muslims in their own native land, the conflict between leaders (who are muslims but are fighting for their own safety, wealth and greed), the poverty impacting on muslim-populated countries, the oppression of muslims in the muslim-minority countries, it's just too much. If somebody asks me where can we go to do a Qadhaya Umat session at my place, I'd tell them to just come over on a Friday during the time for Friday prayers and just observe the school kids on the field in front of my house. We're not talking about not attending the Friday prayers, we're talking something even more extreme than that. Smoking, intimate 'projects', truancy, maybe even drugs. Who knows what's happening beyond the trees and bushes.

*cry*

Sampai bila lagi?
Sampai bila lagi nak tengok and buat tak tahu?

I don't get it you know. Everyone is either putting a blind eye on the current issue or are just trying to cure the symptoms of this plague. It's not only hedonisme, it's not just secularisme, atheism itself has come to our nation, trying (and succeeding to a degree) to rot our humble muslim foundation. Budaya ketimuran itself has lost the place in today's modern Malaysia.

Our clothes, our speech, they way we walk, the way we think, the way we mingle - everything and anything is being sucked into the whirlpool of jahiliyah.

I know we're trying hard to be a better country, I know the youth are creating multiple events and innovations and programs at handling the problems we are facing in Malaysia. But actually, is it helping to solve the imminent crisis we are facing as a local rakyat, and a global citizen?

Teaching kids, motivating them to speak English and following their dreams is an inspiring effort. But are we actually opening the chance for them to find Allah first before we start introducing them to the English love songs and romantic movies? Is the dream that we so heartily encouraging them to achieve become something that can provide them an escape route from the rat race of going to work, getting more money, going to work and just being rich?

Providing food for the homeless, going for humanitarian aid in foreign countries and raising awareness for public health. How long can we provide before we go nil? How much can we give if it's just in the form of bulk items? Are we even able to change much of their condition or are we just prolonging their life but not their suffering?

The system is bonkers. The system we're living in, the system that's governing us is just rotten. I'm not talking about all the crimes of rape, murder, corruption and robbery. There is a far bigger crime that is happening to us and yet we have fail to actually achieve any realisation of it.

We fail to recognize that we're allowing jahiliyah and shaytan to govern our lives.

The policy, the regulation, the state affairs - everything is well planned by those who are fighting for shaytan. And they themselves might not even know this. Tell me, if all humans were made for goodness, who whispers them into doing the wrong? Do you think anybody was born to kill? Do you think any child came out of the mother's womb crying asking for a gun, already painted with an Evil label on their forehead?

If we say that a person is influenced by their childhood and pre-disposing behaviours of their parents, what actually caused their childhood to be filled with abuse and mishandle? Who made their parents succumb to drugs and alcoholism? What caused them to beat their child up? What made someone so filled with bloodlust and greed for money?

Kalau bukan sistem jahiliyah, apa lagi?
Kalau bukan shaytan, apa lagi?
Kalau bukan manusia tak bertuhan, yang degilnya jauh lagi teruk daripada iblis, apa lagi?

Don't tell me this has nothing to do with us. Don't tell me that we have no share in what's happening to the world. Don't tell me you can just finish reading this and not care at all about the world we're living in today.

Because like it or not, it's already creeping into our homes. Into our TVs, into our phones. Let's face it, pornography, wasteful movies/tv shows and lustful entertainment are just a click away. In fact, they are served in front of our doorsteps, waiting for our eyes to feast on them. Before long, we crave for more and eventually resulting in our time being so faithfully 'invested' on these ridiculous imagery of what 'true' happiness is. We've all been victims of it, maybe we still are. And you know what these continuous fiction is feeding our mind - rubbish. We fall prey to them, and finally it causes us to drown in our own stupidity. We start cutting ourselves when we're not happy, even our definition of happy is so skewed to only fit what the limits of the temporary world can offer. We want our spouses to act in this and that kind of manner, and if they fail to uphold the standards, we just drop the relationship. Family ties are broken because of this so-called heroism in the name of love, children out of wedlock are being born everyday. Because of what? Because of all this rubbish we're selling and receiving from the media.

Socially, we're beaten by jahiliyah.
Politically, don't let me even start, there's just too much damage.
Economically, goodness me, we're all in a rat race like it or not.
Emotionally, physically, every single piece of our thoughts, mind and body are being scorched by the flames of jahiliyah.

And yet we stay silent.
And yet we remain in our own bubble.

Until,
We become numb.

Lads,
Peeps,
Gais,
There is an even bigger danger that we need to curb. Even more bigger than illiteracy, poverty and health-related diseases.

Like it or not, either you want to accept it or not,
We have a problem of God-fearing.
Of iman, of taqwa.

Now is no longer Gold, Gospel and Glory. Now is No God, YOLO and sex (didn't want to type it but this is serious talk man). Jahiliyah is just wanting to crush our every being, and it knows no religion. Because Iblis dah kata kan, that the war he's going to inflict on us covers the whole of mankind, the whole of Allah's creation called humans.

[Iblees] said, "Do You see this one whom you have honoured above me? If You delay me until the Day of Resurrection, I will surely destroy his descendants, except for a few."
(Surah Al-Isra', 17:62)

Thus, if we don't go back to Allah, how are we even actually going to survive?

I'm not asking you to stop studying for that degree or masters or PhD or whatever.
I'm not asking you to stop volunteering or help your parents or visit your relatives.
I'm not asking you to run away and sit in a cave and muhasabah sampai mati.
I'm not asking you to not attend those leadership programs, debate championships and innovative camps.

I'm asking you to see the bigger picture and act accordingly to save the more important side of things. Yes, we all have a place in this world and we all have our expertise. But we all, also, should have one common goal - which is to buat kerja 'abid dan khalifah tuh. To be His 'abid and His caliph is the more important job that we need to serve, and we need to do it truly because of Him and none other. Kurangnya ikhlas dalam diri kita, kurangnya Allah dalam hati kita, akan menyebabkan banyaknya dunia dan nafsu yang menjadi kompas hidup. And this is the reason why we're all leading to doom.

Because we forgot our true purpose.

Wake up people, sampai bila lagi nak tidur?
Especially kawan-kawan overseas, especially kawan-kawan yang pandai-pandai belajar tinggi-tinggi Political Sciences, Law, Economics bagai. You lads will be the one to shape the policy of our nation, and all us other professionals will have to succumb to whatever national enactment, law or regulation you place forth for us. I need all of you, especially the friends yang banyak sangat logam kepimpinan ni to wake up and please understand that this is no longer just about perfecting that CV, that dream car, that 4 pretty model-looking wives or that prestigious PhD.

It's about the ummah.
And we're the ones that has been chosen to safeguard it.

Sampai bila lagi?
Takkan nak tunggu anak sendiri jadi bohsia baru nak bergerak?








Disclaimer: This is a personal opinion, however this is one I would like to share for everyone to think about. I am not a critical analyst that has the capability of going through statistics or hundreds of article, but on the more general side of things, I hope I am able to do justice to what's happening around the world as I cry out for help from my many friends that are reading this piece.

Ayuh berborak dengan saya supaya kita boleh perkasakan ummah inshaAllah.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Dear No One

You might be hidden from me now
Or maybe you're just right there
But what is meant to be will always find a way
And Allah would always have His way first

May our story intertwine
Dan moga ia menjadi kisah sebuah perjuangan
Perjuangan menunaikan hak bumi
Dan perjuangan menggapai mardhatillah

Sincerely,
Sabr


Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Leaving

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful

12.17am
17 Zulqaedah 1438H
Klebang

I'm leaving Klebang in another 9 hours and because of that I'm sleeping with Tokpuan and Tokyah for the last time before I end my summer holidays. For the past 4 days being in Malacca, there has been so many tales tht I would actually like to share. From serabut fikir pasal tarbiyah UKE till family matters and personal struggles, there really is so much bottled thoughts and emotions lingering around me that eventually they would face either one of the two fates - fading or being expressed.

I'm leaving Tokpuan and Tokyah tomorrow, just the two of them in this spacious house with empty rooms. This might be unnecesary worry, but I wonder if I'll get to see them again after this summer. Sounds melancholic, but day after day as I watch them age, the inevitable draws closer and closer. 

Protect them Ya Rabb
They're one of my most precious

:'

Seorang rijal harus sentiasa bersedia
And leaving family is a huge part of that jihad

Gonna be missing my backbones here in Malaysia
Thus, to commemorate my another-12-days-before-departure I'll promise to at least write up a summary of this summer break (haha)
May Allah give me the strength, time and drive to complete tht final piece before I leave to Ireland inshaAllah!

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

A Recitation

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful

This is a recitation of the poem I wrote in March 2014. I'm not really good at reciting, but after 3 years since this piece was created, I only found truth in the words my former self penned down.

Why the recitation?
Well, for our jaulah last weekend we had to recite a personal poem describing how we felt about tarbiyah. I wasn't able to create anything new, so I searched through my time-capsule and found this post written. Never really knowing that this definitely portrayed my thoughts and feelings so well. And since Kak Hira is asking me to give a recording of my recitation, I figured that I might as well share it will all of you out there.

Here goes.


Thursday, July 27, 2017

Elective Posting: A Reflection

Dislaimer: Too sleepy to write anything much right now. I wanna go read anyways, so for the time being, i'll keep this blank first. Sorry to keep u folks waiting, but look up for updates soon inshaAllah!

Murabbi

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful

1.53pm
3 Zulkaedah 1438H
Psychiatric Department UMMC

Tomorrow will be the last day of my elective posting here, and to tell you the truth, half of me feels kinda sad to leave this bunch of people that have been helping me experience the best out of psychiatric rotation for the last 3 weeks. The other half feels relieved because I wouldn't need to restrain my eyes and headaches no longer whenever I feel like dozing off. Currently I'm in the Seminar Room waiting for the next presentation to begin - the last for the week. Like I've said in my previous post, I have had so many going up in my head; so many stories, so many experiences and so many opinions to share in this blog. But as always, every time I'd want to write, I would either have something else that urgently needs to be finished or I'd be too tired to type anything as I doze off earlier than my usual bedtime of 1am.

Coming back from Brunei 4 days ago, going through risalah Antara Semalam dan Hari Ini and spending time with akhwats + asatizah really has been a memorable and exciting experience for me. Also, it has brought a tremendous realization that my responsibilities in this world needs to be carried out seriously as a part of materializing my faith - tugas a'bid dan khalifah. IHAB has written the risalah on the year 1943 after a massive raid has been done across Egypt to capture the members of Ikhwanul Muslimin. Knowing that this atrocity will eventually befallen him as well, Hasan Al-Banna wrote this particular piece and gave it to his driver. Originally, this risalah did not have a name. And so, IHAB's driver called it as 'Al-Wasiat'; a will, written by IHAB before he himself face the fate of imprisonment like so many other ikhwans at the time. Fortunately, that did not happen. Thus, one way or another the risalah was then named Bainal Yaum wal Ams (Antara Semalam dan Hari Ini).

5 years later, IHAB passed away as a syahid as he was murdered at the prime age of 42, leaving behind a wife and 5 children; one yet to be born. Death, in all it's reality, is inevitable.

IHAB lived a life giving more than any present, normal human being could have done. He lived a meaningful, purposeful and eventful life.

And looking at the piece in my hand, the man giving out the explanation about it will also leave all of us behind. My first time meeting him was so surreal, I felt so honoured to listen to his taujih up front. I look to my side, the akhwat in maroon that I've respected so much, the one that never gave up on me eventhough I was a mess back in April - she too shall pass as well. I remembered Kak Siha in Dublin, her not having any proper wasilah tarbiyah to attend for the past 2 years, with her masters and MRCP to figure, Ukashah and her zauj to care for but she still took us 6 rebellious souls under her wing no matter how tattered she already was. All these prominent figures, my backbone, my teachers, my guides, they will also face death, like that of Hasan Al-Banna, like that of Rasulullah.

Thinking about a world where they won't be around anymore to seek advice, to ask for recordings, to just send really funny text messages and talk over isu BM, I'd really cry my eyes out. I don't even know if I will be bestowed the chance to still be in DnT, or if they will still want to carry on this path in the days to come. Ramai yang dah datang dan pergi. Ramai yang baru melangkah tiba-tiba sudah lari, bahkan ada juga yang bertahun, yang jauh lagi qawwiy daripada diri ini, tetapi kini susuk itu sudah tiada. We can choose, but ultimately Allah chooses. And I fear so much if one day Allah ceases to choose me, untuk disucikan, untuk ditenyeh segala kotoran jahiliyah, untuk dihentak dan di-smash smpai lunyai segala ego dan syahwat al-hawa'...untuk diberikan tugas mengagungkan Deen yang telah Dia muliakan aku dengan.

Manusia akan pergi meninggalkan kita, teman.
Tetapi
Ketahuilah bahawa Allah tidak sebegitu.
Dialah Murabbi Agung kita
Bahkan dari Dialah lahir tarbiyyah rabbani ini

Buat murabbi seisi dunia
Buat ikhwah akhwat yang tidak pernah lekang dalam usaha dakwahnya
Buat mutarabbi yang aku kasihi
Buat hati-hati yang baru disentuh
Buat jiwa-jiwa yang ikhlas mahu menjadi hamba
Moga Allah kekalkan kita dengan fikrah Islam yang sebenar
Dalam segenap aspek hidup kita
Dan moga kita dikurniakan taufiq untuk kekal beramal dengannya
Sehingga Izrail datang memanggil

Terimalah amal kami
Terimalah amal murabbi kami
Terimalah amal para sahabat, tabi'in, tabi' tabi'in
Terimalah amal salafussoleh
Terimalah amal mereka yang telah membawa kami kepada Islam

Bersama usaha mereka, dan izinMu, aku ketemu cara utk hidup dengan sebenar-benarnya.
And this is such an honourable privilege to be a part of susur galur mereka yang membawa obor dakwah para anbiya'

:)

Akhwat paling inspiring :'|

Sayangilah murabbi anda gais. Huhu

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Late Night Thoughts

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful

1.00am
24 Syawal 1438H
Balakong

I have been thinking a lot lately.
From personal issues to the state of the world we live today, they're so many things roaming my head.
But I'm glad, because I'm finally progressing from my grief, as I come to the last stage of it inshaAllah.
Alhamdulillah.

There's 5 stages of grief.
Stage 1: Denial
Stage 2: Anger
Stage 3: Bargaining
Stage 4: Depression
Stage 5: Acceptance

I'd like to elaborate more, but it'll take a long time to engage in the subject matter and produce any substantial writing. Just to note an interesting fact that I have experienced myself though - the time taken for me to go through the 5 stages was around 3-4 months, almost like the length of time for a woman's iddah after being divorced by her husband or after his death. Amazing, innit?  Anyhow, as for now, I have to attend to my preparation for this weekend's daurah and next week's jaulah, still having to study as per usual everyday for my psychiatric attachment in PPUM.

I have a list of items to read and prepare, only finishing one item from the checklist. That's fine really, it's a blessing working and studying and being single. For now, this is my medan amal, and no one will be able to execute what I can do for the world I'm living in today.


I know one thing for sure, I was allowed to pass my third year, sent to umrah and finally able to accept my 'loss' because Allah is planning to position me at a spot where I can shine the most and provide the maximum benefit I can for my akhirah, for the ummah. Thus, I need to benefit the 24 hours Allah gives me before getting myself worked up about the future.

This is my belief. It is by far, not a delusion.

One day, maybe I'll use the app that allows you to convert voice projections to written words and finally get myself to write a book from the myriad of thoughts I have roaming around daily. Typing is better though, always the best option.

I feel sad for actually thinking that I might be updating less (no more one day, one update huhu) because of the focus I need to provide in order to get my tasks done. I do hope however, that the next time I write, I'll be able to create pieces that does not only touch the heart on a personal level but also benefit others on an intellectual and tarbawi manner.

Doakan Sabreena membesar dengan baik, emotionally, spiritually and also in maturity. She's 23 already, so she needs to stop addressing herself as a 3rd person - sounds less cute but more childish considering the age (haha).

Salam alaik peeps, till I write again inshaAllah.