Being Productive

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

11.46pm
27 Muharram 1439H
Galway

Urges to write come and go throughout the day as I mentally store all my thoughts and worries in a compartment of my brain that is actually so eager to be let out. Mentally blocking them away and replacing it with something else can only last me several hours before it comes back again. And what disappoints me the most is that I continuously feel like I need to update the world about my activities as though that's the way I'll ever feel worthwhile and that my life was worth something.

It's complex - this feeling I'm having now.

It's as though I'm comparing my present life all over again with the past that I have agreed to bury not too long ago. There's no regret, just a melancholy that comes hitting me again and again like the waves of the ocean moving against the shore. Or maybe it is regret, regret for not being cautious in taking care of my own heart.

I'm here now typing away in my blog as the clock hits midnight in Galway. Yesterday, Hurricane Ophelia came in to Ireland and Galway was one of the counties that was predicted to face the winds hard. I was in Dublin at that time so alhamdulillah nothing was too serious at that time for us but the ride back to Galway later in the evening sure was rough. To be honest, I was ready to leave the world. I slept soundly, not worrying about the stability of the bus being challenged by the horrendous weather. I don't think it was a suicidal ideation, it was more of like redha. Like I was ready to meet Him.

We arrived back home around 9pm and settled everything as should be. I slept that night feeling a slight emptiness within me. Maybe it's because Kak Nik Nur is going back soon and it'll be just me and Ilyani till Kak Diba arrives a few weeks later. Things are going more complicated, bahan usrah, tanggungjawab dakwah, fikir itu fikir ini, medical studies, case reports, 'future' arrangements, etc. I'm not asking for things to go easy, it never will. I'm glad that I'm getting busier, the fact that Allah still chooses me is a blessing, not a burden. And I'm not asking for a special someone to come to my life, listen to my rants or the sorts because with a special someone comes the special responsibility, and I'm clearly not fitted to withstand that might just yet.

The bruise is still there, it needs a bit more time.

I've learned that things are not easy, never will be easy and the journey to betterment will never cease to end. Healing my heart, working on myself, enjoying my life - all requires constant energy and focus. And up until now, after more than 30 minutes of writing, I think I'm able to address the bundle of emotional mess that's occupying my brain (like a space occupying lesion) and entangle everything one at a time.

One thing for sure that I've learned is that I need to stop digging into the past feelings and memories. I need to stop revisiting images over and over again. I need to stop being sorry for everyone, or feel superior over anyone, or feel guilty for the actions I made. I don't need to prove to anyone that I'm doing fine to actually feel that I'm doing fine. I'm getting better and I can't give up now. I have my mutarabbis to care for, my tarbiyyah to look after, my medical degree to finish, my future husband (eh) to look forward to, and my future children to educate inshaAllah.

I don't know if I'll be able to pull it through but for the time being, I have to make things work at least for my own sake lillahi ta'ala.

"Ya Tuhanku, anugerahkanlah aku ilham untuk tetap mensyukuri nikmat-Mu yang telah Engkau anugerahkan kepadaku dan kepada kedua orang tuaku dan agar aku mengerjakan kebajikan yang Engkau redhai; dan masukkanlah aku dengan rahmat-Mu ke dalam golongan hamba-hambaMu yang soleh."

(Surah An-Naml, 27:19)

Everyone deserves happiness Sabr, so don't be like those that rejoice over other people's suffering. Pray for goodness, for yourself and your sisters/brothers as well. Doa seorang muslim kepada muslim yang lain secara rahsia kan akan dapat semula kepada kita? Make connections with the light inside you that Allah has placed, and don't heed the whispers of syaitan surrounding your ribcage.

You're better than this Sabr.
Way better than this.

#tazkiyahseorangsabr