Dislaimer: Too sleepy to write anything much right now. I wanna go read anyways, so for the time being, i'll keep this blank first. Sorry to keep u folks waiting, but look up for updates soon inshaAllah!
Thursday, July 27, 2017
Murabbi
Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful
1.53pm
3 Zulkaedah 1438H
Psychiatric Department UMMC
Tomorrow will be the last day of my elective posting here, and to tell you the truth, half of me feels kinda sad to leave this bunch of people that have been helping me experience the best out of psychiatric rotation for the last 3 weeks. The other half feels relieved because I wouldn't need to restrain my eyes and headaches no longer whenever I feel like dozing off. Currently I'm in the Seminar Room waiting for the next presentation to begin - the last for the week. Like I've said in my previous post, I have had so many going up in my head; so many stories, so many experiences and so many opinions to share in this blog. But as always, every time I'd want to write, I would either have something else that urgently needs to be finished or I'd be too tired to type anything as I doze off earlier than my usual bedtime of 1am.
Coming back from Brunei 4 days ago, going through risalah Antara Semalam dan Hari Ini and spending time with akhwats + asatizah really has been a memorable and exciting experience for me. Also, it has brought a tremendous realization that my responsibilities in this world needs to be carried out seriously as a part of materializing my faith - tugas a'bid dan khalifah. IHAB has written the risalah on the year 1943 after a massive raid has been done across Egypt to capture the members of Ikhwanul Muslimin. Knowing that this atrocity will eventually befallen him as well, Hasan Al-Banna wrote this particular piece and gave it to his driver. Originally, this risalah did not have a name. And so, IHAB's driver called it as 'Al-Wasiat'; a will, written by IHAB before he himself face the fate of imprisonment like so many other ikhwans at the time. Fortunately, that did not happen. Thus, one way or another the risalah was then named Bainal Yaum wal Ams (Antara Semalam dan Hari Ini).
5 years later, IHAB passed away as a syahid as he was murdered at the prime age of 42, leaving behind a wife and 5 children; one yet to be born. Death, in all it's reality, is inevitable.
IHAB lived a life giving more than any present, normal human being could have done. He lived a meaningful, purposeful and eventful life.
And looking at the piece in my hand, the man giving out the explanation about it will also leave all of us behind. My first time meeting him was so surreal, I felt so honoured to listen to his taujih up front. I look to my side, the akhwat in maroon that I've respected so much, the one that never gave up on me eventhough I was a mess back in April - she too shall pass as well. I remembered Kak Siha in Dublin, her not having any proper wasilah tarbiyah to attend for the past 2 years, with her masters and MRCP to figure, Ukashah and her zauj to care for but she still took us 6 rebellious souls under her wing no matter how tattered she already was. All these prominent figures, my backbone, my teachers, my guides, they will also face death, like that of Hasan Al-Banna, like that of Rasulullah.
Thinking about a world where they won't be around anymore to seek advice, to ask for recordings, to just send really funny text messages and talk over isu BM, I'd really cry my eyes out. I don't even know if I will be bestowed the chance to still be in DnT, or if they will still want to carry on this path in the days to come. Ramai yang dah datang dan pergi. Ramai yang baru melangkah tiba-tiba sudah lari, bahkan ada juga yang bertahun, yang jauh lagi qawwiy daripada diri ini, tetapi kini susuk itu sudah tiada. We can choose, but ultimately Allah chooses. And I fear so much if one day Allah ceases to choose me, untuk disucikan, untuk ditenyeh segala kotoran jahiliyah, untuk dihentak dan di-smash smpai lunyai segala ego dan syahwat al-hawa'...untuk diberikan tugas mengagungkan Deen yang telah Dia muliakan aku dengan.
Manusia akan pergi meninggalkan kita, teman.
Tetapi
Ketahuilah bahawa Allah tidak sebegitu.
Dialah Murabbi Agung kita
Bahkan dari Dialah lahir tarbiyyah rabbani ini
Buat murabbi seisi dunia
Buat ikhwah akhwat yang tidak pernah lekang dalam usaha dakwahnya
Buat mutarabbi yang aku kasihi
Buat hati-hati yang baru disentuh
Buat jiwa-jiwa yang ikhlas mahu menjadi hamba
Moga Allah kekalkan kita dengan fikrah Islam yang sebenar
Dalam segenap aspek hidup kita
Dan moga kita dikurniakan taufiq untuk kekal beramal dengannya
Sehingga Izrail datang memanggil
Terimalah amal kami
Terimalah amal murabbi kami
Terimalah amal para sahabat, tabi'in, tabi' tabi'in
Terimalah amal salafussoleh
Terimalah amal mereka yang telah membawa kami kepada Islam
Bersama usaha mereka, dan izinMu, aku ketemu cara utk hidup dengan sebenar-benarnya.
And this is such an honourable privilege to be a part of susur galur mereka yang membawa obor dakwah para anbiya'
:)
In the name of Allah The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful
1.53pm
3 Zulkaedah 1438H
Psychiatric Department UMMC
Tomorrow will be the last day of my elective posting here, and to tell you the truth, half of me feels kinda sad to leave this bunch of people that have been helping me experience the best out of psychiatric rotation for the last 3 weeks. The other half feels relieved because I wouldn't need to restrain my eyes and headaches no longer whenever I feel like dozing off. Currently I'm in the Seminar Room waiting for the next presentation to begin - the last for the week. Like I've said in my previous post, I have had so many going up in my head; so many stories, so many experiences and so many opinions to share in this blog. But as always, every time I'd want to write, I would either have something else that urgently needs to be finished or I'd be too tired to type anything as I doze off earlier than my usual bedtime of 1am.
Coming back from Brunei 4 days ago, going through risalah Antara Semalam dan Hari Ini and spending time with akhwats + asatizah really has been a memorable and exciting experience for me. Also, it has brought a tremendous realization that my responsibilities in this world needs to be carried out seriously as a part of materializing my faith - tugas a'bid dan khalifah. IHAB has written the risalah on the year 1943 after a massive raid has been done across Egypt to capture the members of Ikhwanul Muslimin. Knowing that this atrocity will eventually befallen him as well, Hasan Al-Banna wrote this particular piece and gave it to his driver. Originally, this risalah did not have a name. And so, IHAB's driver called it as 'Al-Wasiat'; a will, written by IHAB before he himself face the fate of imprisonment like so many other ikhwans at the time. Fortunately, that did not happen. Thus, one way or another the risalah was then named Bainal Yaum wal Ams (Antara Semalam dan Hari Ini).
5 years later, IHAB passed away as a syahid as he was murdered at the prime age of 42, leaving behind a wife and 5 children; one yet to be born. Death, in all it's reality, is inevitable.
IHAB lived a life giving more than any present, normal human being could have done. He lived a meaningful, purposeful and eventful life.
And looking at the piece in my hand, the man giving out the explanation about it will also leave all of us behind. My first time meeting him was so surreal, I felt so honoured to listen to his taujih up front. I look to my side, the akhwat in maroon that I've respected so much, the one that never gave up on me eventhough I was a mess back in April - she too shall pass as well. I remembered Kak Siha in Dublin, her not having any proper wasilah tarbiyah to attend for the past 2 years, with her masters and MRCP to figure, Ukashah and her zauj to care for but she still took us 6 rebellious souls under her wing no matter how tattered she already was. All these prominent figures, my backbone, my teachers, my guides, they will also face death, like that of Hasan Al-Banna, like that of Rasulullah.
Thinking about a world where they won't be around anymore to seek advice, to ask for recordings, to just send really funny text messages and talk over isu BM, I'd really cry my eyes out. I don't even know if I will be bestowed the chance to still be in DnT, or if they will still want to carry on this path in the days to come. Ramai yang dah datang dan pergi. Ramai yang baru melangkah tiba-tiba sudah lari, bahkan ada juga yang bertahun, yang jauh lagi qawwiy daripada diri ini, tetapi kini susuk itu sudah tiada. We can choose, but ultimately Allah chooses. And I fear so much if one day Allah ceases to choose me, untuk disucikan, untuk ditenyeh segala kotoran jahiliyah, untuk dihentak dan di-smash smpai lunyai segala ego dan syahwat al-hawa'...untuk diberikan tugas mengagungkan Deen yang telah Dia muliakan aku dengan.
Manusia akan pergi meninggalkan kita, teman.
Tetapi
Ketahuilah bahawa Allah tidak sebegitu.
Dialah Murabbi Agung kita
Bahkan dari Dialah lahir tarbiyyah rabbani ini
Buat murabbi seisi dunia
Buat ikhwah akhwat yang tidak pernah lekang dalam usaha dakwahnya
Buat mutarabbi yang aku kasihi
Buat hati-hati yang baru disentuh
Buat jiwa-jiwa yang ikhlas mahu menjadi hamba
Moga Allah kekalkan kita dengan fikrah Islam yang sebenar
Dalam segenap aspek hidup kita
Dan moga kita dikurniakan taufiq untuk kekal beramal dengannya
Sehingga Izrail datang memanggil
Terimalah amal kami
Terimalah amal murabbi kami
Terimalah amal para sahabat, tabi'in, tabi' tabi'in
Terimalah amal salafussoleh
Terimalah amal mereka yang telah membawa kami kepada Islam
Bersama usaha mereka, dan izinMu, aku ketemu cara utk hidup dengan sebenar-benarnya.
And this is such an honourable privilege to be a part of susur galur mereka yang membawa obor dakwah para anbiya'
:)
 |
| Akhwat paling inspiring :'| |
 |
| Sayangilah murabbi anda gais. Huhu |
Tuesday, July 18, 2017
Late Night Thoughts
Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful
1.00am
24 Syawal 1438H
Balakong
I have been thinking a lot lately.
From personal issues to the state of the world we live today, they're so many things roaming my head.
But I'm glad, because I'm finally progressing from my grief, as I come to the last stage of it inshaAllah.
Alhamdulillah.
There's 5 stages of grief.
Stage 1: Denial
Stage 2: Anger
Stage 3: Bargaining
Stage 4: Depression
Stage 5: Acceptance
I'd like to elaborate more, but it'll take a long time to engage in the subject matter and produce any substantial writing. Just to note an interesting fact that I have experienced myself though - the time taken for me to go through the 5 stages was around 3-4 months, almost like the length of time for a woman's iddah after being divorced by her husband or after his death. Amazing, innit? Anyhow, as for now, I have to attend to my preparation for this weekend's daurah and next week's jaulah, still having to study as per usual everyday for my psychiatric attachment in PPUM.
I have a list of items to read and prepare, only finishing one item from the checklist. That's fine really, it's a blessing working and studying and being single. For now, this is my medan amal, and no one will be able to execute what I can do for the world I'm living in today.
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful
1.00am
24 Syawal 1438H
Balakong
I have been thinking a lot lately.
From personal issues to the state of the world we live today, they're so many things roaming my head.
But I'm glad, because I'm finally progressing from my grief, as I come to the last stage of it inshaAllah.
Alhamdulillah.
There's 5 stages of grief.
Stage 1: Denial
Stage 2: Anger
Stage 3: Bargaining
Stage 4: Depression
Stage 5: Acceptance
I'd like to elaborate more, but it'll take a long time to engage in the subject matter and produce any substantial writing. Just to note an interesting fact that I have experienced myself though - the time taken for me to go through the 5 stages was around 3-4 months, almost like the length of time for a woman's iddah after being divorced by her husband or after his death. Amazing, innit? Anyhow, as for now, I have to attend to my preparation for this weekend's daurah and next week's jaulah, still having to study as per usual everyday for my psychiatric attachment in PPUM.
I have a list of items to read and prepare, only finishing one item from the checklist. That's fine really, it's a blessing working and studying and being single. For now, this is my medan amal, and no one will be able to execute what I can do for the world I'm living in today.
I know one thing for sure, I was allowed to pass my third year, sent to umrah and finally able to accept my 'loss' because Allah is planning to position me at a spot where I can shine the most and provide the maximum benefit I can for my akhirah, for the ummah. Thus, I need to benefit the 24 hours Allah gives me before getting myself worked up about the future.
This is my belief. It is by far, not a delusion.
One day, maybe I'll use the app that allows you to convert voice projections to written words and finally get myself to write a book from the myriad of thoughts I have roaming around daily. Typing is better though, always the best option.
I feel sad for actually thinking that I might be updating less (no more one day, one update huhu) because of the focus I need to provide in order to get my tasks done. I do hope however, that the next time I write, I'll be able to create pieces that does not only touch the heart on a personal level but also benefit others on an intellectual and tarbawi manner.
Doakan Sabreena membesar dengan baik, emotionally, spiritually and also in maturity. She's 23 already, so she needs to stop addressing herself as a 3rd person - sounds less cute but more childish considering the age (haha).
Salam alaik peeps, till I write again inshaAllah.
Sunday, July 16, 2017
Things to Do
I have understood that all I need to do now is beramal. There has been too much time that I've used to just preach.
Putting that on my list to do, as a major priority.
Saturday, July 15, 2017
Cinta di Rumah Hasan Al-Banna
Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful
11.00pm
20 Syawal 1438H
Balakong
This book is a good read for all, especially to the ikhwahs that are already husbands or soon-to-be spouses. Akhwats would benefit from it too because it's a book that focuses on how Hasan Al-Banna builds a family of muslims - batu-bata dakwah paling asas. RI-mates also can use this book to share during maghrib tazkirah as it encompasses elements that can bind a family closer to one another.
It thus begins with the preparation of one-self beforehand, choosing the right spouse and continuing to build the family on the strong foundation of islamic principles.
Satu hari is enough to read this book, and a lifetime is enough to practice it's jewels. Just to share some from the chapter Didikan Hasan Al-Banna kepada Anak-anaknya.
1. Makan bersama, yang menjadi keutamaan
2. Tidak ada suara keras di rumah kami
3. Menggunakan even the shortest time available to spend with his children (even if its 7 minutes!)
4. Keeping a detailed account of each children (includes catatan penyakit, masalah pemakanan, prestasi sekolah, apa yang perlu dibantu) in paper form
5. Membawa bekal anak ke sekolah :)
6. Membeli keperluan rumah - simply do groceries
And thus when his children see how dedicated he is to da'wah yet still makes time for the family, mereka taat tanpa perlu diperintah. This is how we should act, how I should act. And before maybe I was so enthusiastic nak go for programmes, jadi muwajih, join jaulah and mukhayyam, I overlooked the importance of preparing myself to be a mum and a wife. Padahal building a family is da'wah, BM tu kan termasuk dalam maratib amal yang telah IHAB gariskan? Maybe because of the connotation hidden in BM as many people abuse this maratib and get married just for their own sake - sebab dah suka, setakat itu sahaja. Don't get me wrong though people, tak salah pun kahwin sebab ada keserasian itu, sebab sudah lama mengenal isi hati and rasa udah tiba masanya untuk diikat dengan ikatan nikah itu. Tapi takkanlah sekadar kecocokan itu sahaja yang menjadi sebab kita melaksanakan mithaqan ghaliza (perjanjian yang kuat) itu?
Hadith 1 back again people. Always, always go through that hadith when suddenly you go angau over your spouse, apatah lagi for a person that is not even yours lagi. (I dah kena sentap dahsyat dah u olls part ni)
Sebab istana kita di syurga nanti kan?
*smiles*
Islahun nafs
Takwinul baitul muslim
Irsyadul mujtama'
Islahul daulah
Daulah islamiyyah
Khalifah islamiyyah
Ustaziatul alam
To regain back Islam's rightful place begins with me. Then my family. Then the community. Then the nations. Before finally becoming World Order.
Fuh, takleh main-main benda ni peeps.
*peluh besar*
I hope I will marry a man that's sincere, ikhlas mahukan perkahwinan untuk capai syurga.
Untuk berdakwah, bergembira dalam kesusahan dakwah itu dan bersama sehingga ke akhirnya.
InshaAllah, dengan izinNya.
But then, how sure are we that the choice we make will be the right one?
"Ya Allah, aku memohon petunjuk memilih yang baik dalam pengetahuanMu
Aku mohon ditakdirkan yang baik dengan kudratMu
Aku mengharapkan kurniaMu yang besar
Engkau Maha Kuasa dan aku adalah hambaMu yang dhaif
Engkau Maha Tahu dan aku adalah hambaMu yang jahil
Engkau Maha Mengetahui semua yang ghaib dan tersembunyi"
We won't really.
Tapi moga dengan usaha kita menjadi soleh
Dengan usaha kita melawan keinginan nafsu kita
Dengan usaha kita bermusyawarah dengan orang beriman
Dan dengan kemantapan niat suci kita yang setiap hari kita gasak supaya ia tak lari bearing
Allah ketemukan kita dengan sebaik-baik perkara dan takdir
Dalam segala urusan kehidupan kita, termasuk urusan nikah
Moh sama-sama mengambil teladan Rasulullah dalam membina keluarga yang hebat itu.
Bismillahi tawakkaltu 'ala Allah.
:)
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful
11.00pm
20 Syawal 1438H
Balakong
Disclaimer: Not your average post, so this might contain an insight yang agak tarbawi. Read at your own discretion. :)
"Berikan cinta kamu sepenuhnya tanpa henti dan berubah, meskipun pada suatu masa anak kamu mungkin tidak menyenangkan kamu."
- Syeikh Abdul Hamid Jasim al-Bilali
It thus begins with the preparation of one-self beforehand, choosing the right spouse and continuing to build the family on the strong foundation of islamic principles.
Satu hari is enough to read this book, and a lifetime is enough to practice it's jewels. Just to share some from the chapter Didikan Hasan Al-Banna kepada Anak-anaknya.
1. Makan bersama, yang menjadi keutamaan
2. Tidak ada suara keras di rumah kami
3. Menggunakan even the shortest time available to spend with his children (even if its 7 minutes!)
4. Keeping a detailed account of each children (includes catatan penyakit, masalah pemakanan, prestasi sekolah, apa yang perlu dibantu) in paper form
5. Membawa bekal anak ke sekolah :)
6. Membeli keperluan rumah - simply do groceries
And thus when his children see how dedicated he is to da'wah yet still makes time for the family, mereka taat tanpa perlu diperintah. This is how we should act, how I should act. And before maybe I was so enthusiastic nak go for programmes, jadi muwajih, join jaulah and mukhayyam, I overlooked the importance of preparing myself to be a mum and a wife. Padahal building a family is da'wah, BM tu kan termasuk dalam maratib amal yang telah IHAB gariskan? Maybe because of the connotation hidden in BM as many people abuse this maratib and get married just for their own sake - sebab dah suka, setakat itu sahaja. Don't get me wrong though people, tak salah pun kahwin sebab ada keserasian itu, sebab sudah lama mengenal isi hati and rasa udah tiba masanya untuk diikat dengan ikatan nikah itu. Tapi takkanlah sekadar kecocokan itu sahaja yang menjadi sebab kita melaksanakan mithaqan ghaliza (perjanjian yang kuat) itu?
Hadith 1 back again people. Always, always go through that hadith when suddenly you go angau over your spouse, apatah lagi for a person that is not even yours lagi. (I dah kena sentap dahsyat dah u olls part ni)
Sebab istana kita di syurga nanti kan?
*smiles*
Islahun nafs
Takwinul baitul muslim
Irsyadul mujtama'
Islahul daulah
Daulah islamiyyah
Khalifah islamiyyah
Ustaziatul alam
To regain back Islam's rightful place begins with me. Then my family. Then the community. Then the nations. Before finally becoming World Order.
Fuh, takleh main-main benda ni peeps.
*peluh besar*
I hope I will marry a man that's sincere, ikhlas mahukan perkahwinan untuk capai syurga.
Untuk berdakwah, bergembira dalam kesusahan dakwah itu dan bersama sehingga ke akhirnya.
InshaAllah, dengan izinNya.
But then, how sure are we that the choice we make will be the right one?
"Ya Allah, aku memohon petunjuk memilih yang baik dalam pengetahuanMu
Aku mohon ditakdirkan yang baik dengan kudratMu
Aku mengharapkan kurniaMu yang besar
Engkau Maha Kuasa dan aku adalah hambaMu yang dhaif
Engkau Maha Tahu dan aku adalah hambaMu yang jahil
Engkau Maha Mengetahui semua yang ghaib dan tersembunyi"
We won't really.
Tapi moga dengan usaha kita menjadi soleh
Dengan usaha kita melawan keinginan nafsu kita
Dengan usaha kita bermusyawarah dengan orang beriman
Dan dengan kemantapan niat suci kita yang setiap hari kita gasak supaya ia tak lari bearing
Allah ketemukan kita dengan sebaik-baik perkara dan takdir
Dalam segala urusan kehidupan kita, termasuk urusan nikah
Moh sama-sama mengambil teladan Rasulullah dalam membina keluarga yang hebat itu.
Bismillahi tawakkaltu 'ala Allah.
:)
Friday, July 14, 2017
He found Me
Without fail
Allah finds me
Pulls me through
And pushes me forward
He gave me friends
Close and far
He gave me my parents
My relatives
Some of them really are just random
Those whom I've never thought would care
Did
Alhamdulillah, thumma alhamdulillah
:)
Even when the dark comes crashing in
When you need someone to carry you
When you're broken on the ground
You will be found
Solace
Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful
2.31pm
19 Syawal 1438H
T.J Danaraj Library, Faculty of Medicine, UM
Currently in the library, my favourite place so far in the 4 days I've been attached to the Psychological Department in UMMC. Aside from sleeping in this quiet haven, I do study and read an array of books here - currently interested in Karen Miller's Empress and A Treasury from Khalil Gibran. It's Friday today and alhamdulillah it's going to be a weekend tomorrow. I attended 3 seminars in the week, went to talk to one patient in the wards, attended one afternoon clinic, one grand rounds session and one post call forum in the morning. I have yet to get myself exposed to many things in the psychiatric rotation but I have so much to read already. Huhu.
Today, let's talk about anxiety.
What is anxiety?
Anxiety is generally defined as a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
In psychiatry, the individual is frightened but the source of danger is not known, not organized, or inadequate to account for the symptoms.
This simply means that someone 'over'-reacts towards a certain stimulus that is not even considered to be frightening for normal people.
Anxiety is quite different than other mental disorders as it is an illness that is mainly triggered by stressors --> an event/environment/object/condition that prompts excessive fear in patients.
So basically, once these stressors are removed from the patient, the problem is solved and the patient can live life normally. And usually patients with phobia (which is a subset of anxiety disorders) don't usually present to the clinic unless the stressors are those that are continuously faced everyday causing them to have persistent anxiety symptoms. Such perpetuated events may eventually cause patients to develop other mental illness such as depression and schizophrenia, which explains why some schizophrenic patients might have an underlying anxiety disorder together with the delusions that they are currently facing. However, there is also a Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) that occurs in the absent of any stressful stimulus. This, my friends, is not good at all.
Anxious people are anxious. They have clammy hands, they are tachycardic, sometimes they get short of breath. These are normal responses. But those with a panic disorder, phobias and GAD, all those respiratory and cardiac symptoms are heightened, plus they also feel as though they are about to die and lose their mind.
To help these people facing such illness, doctors would prescribe Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) which is a talking therapy that can help change the way we think and behave, thus allowing patients to be able to overcome those stressful situations. Pharmacological interventions are also present, given to manage the physical symptoms and also treat the underlying physiological component of the brain that lead to the aberrant reaction.
Ala bi zikrillahi tatma'innalqulub.
Personally, I believe that anxiety is an illness that has its biological and psycho-social component. And as a female, I am prone to develop this condition compared to males - based on the epidemiology of anxiety disorders. (Though I always question, maybe it's just because females tend to seek help in comparison to males so maybe there's an incomplete statistical conclusion on the female gender as a predisposing factor)
Everyone can develop anxiety, depression and schizophrenia because technically we do not know a lot about our future nor are we sure of our capability to endure it. Being a person that has had depressive symptoms for more than 2 weeks (Kak Ejat says I have lots of 'em symptoms last month, and the month before), I know how its like to face those trying times.
Suicidal ideation
Weight loss of more than 5% body weight ( I loss 9% of mine, not too bad la)
Anhedodia
Sadness, hopelessness
Low self-esteem
Sleep problems (unable to sleep at night, wake up feeling lousy)
Low appetite
Reading up the list of depressive symptoms just makes me go, "Heyy, I had all these. Padanlah Kak Ejat risau huhu." Because I never thought I was considered ill, weak maybe, but not ill.
Ala bizikrillahi tatma'innal qulub.
Kekadang kita lupa
The potent remedy is already inscribed in the Quran
But as per usual, we always fail to acknowledge that first
Anxiety and depression
They are true disorders, true diseases, true illnesses
Tapi kan
Sedang kita sibuk dengan anti-depressants dan SSRIs
Pergi talk therapy and support group sessions
Kita lupa nak rapatkan diri kita semula pada Pencipta
Kita lupa nak dekatkan diri kita semula dgn al-Quran
Bahkan kita menjauh
Makin lama, makin menjauh
Adakah kita sudah lupa
bahawa yang memegang pengakhiran segala urusan adalah Allah?
Dan bukankah Dia
Yang membenarkan syifaa' itu hadir
Bahkan Dialah yang memberi syifaa' itu
Buat hati yang sedang kering
Buat jiwa yang sedang gundah
This might be conservative thinking. But you know, all those major depressive disorders began with one event that could be similar as mine. If iman wasn't there, I would have been like them girls running away from home after a relationship breakdown. Would have continued to develop an anxiety disorder, avoidance of men, having trust issues - social phobia. Every penyakit jiwa ada permulaannya, dan kalau dari awalnya kita gagal mengenali fitrah manusia dalam memperoleh ketenangan tu, agak-agak dapat ke tak tenang tu akhirnya?
And kita kat sini nak mempersoalkan lagi tempat Allah, iman dan islam dalam hidup kita. Dah ada bukti kan depan mata? Moga bersama usaha kita memenuhi sunnatullah menyembuhkan jiwa itu, kita iringkan dengan pengembalian kita kepada fitrah manusia, fitrah bertuhan.
Ala bizikrillahi tatma'innalqulub
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful
2.31pm
19 Syawal 1438H
T.J Danaraj Library, Faculty of Medicine, UM
Currently in the library, my favourite place so far in the 4 days I've been attached to the Psychological Department in UMMC. Aside from sleeping in this quiet haven, I do study and read an array of books here - currently interested in Karen Miller's Empress and A Treasury from Khalil Gibran. It's Friday today and alhamdulillah it's going to be a weekend tomorrow. I attended 3 seminars in the week, went to talk to one patient in the wards, attended one afternoon clinic, one grand rounds session and one post call forum in the morning. I have yet to get myself exposed to many things in the psychiatric rotation but I have so much to read already. Huhu.
Today, let's talk about anxiety.
What is anxiety?
Anxiety is generally defined as a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
In psychiatry, the individual is frightened but the source of danger is not known, not organized, or inadequate to account for the symptoms.
This simply means that someone 'over'-reacts towards a certain stimulus that is not even considered to be frightening for normal people.
Anxiety is quite different than other mental disorders as it is an illness that is mainly triggered by stressors --> an event/environment/object/condition that prompts excessive fear in patients.
So basically, once these stressors are removed from the patient, the problem is solved and the patient can live life normally. And usually patients with phobia (which is a subset of anxiety disorders) don't usually present to the clinic unless the stressors are those that are continuously faced everyday causing them to have persistent anxiety symptoms. Such perpetuated events may eventually cause patients to develop other mental illness such as depression and schizophrenia, which explains why some schizophrenic patients might have an underlying anxiety disorder together with the delusions that they are currently facing. However, there is also a Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) that occurs in the absent of any stressful stimulus. This, my friends, is not good at all.
Anxious people are anxious. They have clammy hands, they are tachycardic, sometimes they get short of breath. These are normal responses. But those with a panic disorder, phobias and GAD, all those respiratory and cardiac symptoms are heightened, plus they also feel as though they are about to die and lose their mind.
To help these people facing such illness, doctors would prescribe Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) which is a talking therapy that can help change the way we think and behave, thus allowing patients to be able to overcome those stressful situations. Pharmacological interventions are also present, given to manage the physical symptoms and also treat the underlying physiological component of the brain that lead to the aberrant reaction.
Ala bi zikrillahi tatma'innalqulub.
Personally, I believe that anxiety is an illness that has its biological and psycho-social component. And as a female, I am prone to develop this condition compared to males - based on the epidemiology of anxiety disorders. (Though I always question, maybe it's just because females tend to seek help in comparison to males so maybe there's an incomplete statistical conclusion on the female gender as a predisposing factor)
Everyone can develop anxiety, depression and schizophrenia because technically we do not know a lot about our future nor are we sure of our capability to endure it. Being a person that has had depressive symptoms for more than 2 weeks (Kak Ejat says I have lots of 'em symptoms last month, and the month before), I know how its like to face those trying times.
Suicidal ideation
Weight loss of more than 5% body weight ( I loss 9% of mine, not too bad la)
Anhedodia
Sadness, hopelessness
Low self-esteem
Sleep problems (unable to sleep at night, wake up feeling lousy)
Low appetite
Reading up the list of depressive symptoms just makes me go, "Heyy, I had all these. Padanlah Kak Ejat risau huhu." Because I never thought I was considered ill, weak maybe, but not ill.
Ala bizikrillahi tatma'innal qulub.
Kekadang kita lupa
The potent remedy is already inscribed in the Quran
But as per usual, we always fail to acknowledge that first
Anxiety and depression
They are true disorders, true diseases, true illnesses
Tapi kan
Sedang kita sibuk dengan anti-depressants dan SSRIs
Pergi talk therapy and support group sessions
Kita lupa nak rapatkan diri kita semula pada Pencipta
Kita lupa nak dekatkan diri kita semula dgn al-Quran
Bahkan kita menjauh
Makin lama, makin menjauh
Adakah kita sudah lupa
bahawa yang memegang pengakhiran segala urusan adalah Allah?
Dan bukankah Dia
Yang membenarkan syifaa' itu hadir
Bahkan Dialah yang memberi syifaa' itu
Buat hati yang sedang kering
Buat jiwa yang sedang gundah
This might be conservative thinking. But you know, all those major depressive disorders began with one event that could be similar as mine. If iman wasn't there, I would have been like them girls running away from home after a relationship breakdown. Would have continued to develop an anxiety disorder, avoidance of men, having trust issues - social phobia. Every penyakit jiwa ada permulaannya, dan kalau dari awalnya kita gagal mengenali fitrah manusia dalam memperoleh ketenangan tu, agak-agak dapat ke tak tenang tu akhirnya?
And kita kat sini nak mempersoalkan lagi tempat Allah, iman dan islam dalam hidup kita. Dah ada bukti kan depan mata? Moga bersama usaha kita memenuhi sunnatullah menyembuhkan jiwa itu, kita iringkan dengan pengembalian kita kepada fitrah manusia, fitrah bertuhan.
Ala bizikrillahi tatma'innalqulub
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
Cramming
Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful
10.14pm
16 Syawal 1438H
Balakong
Bipolar disorder
Schizophrenia
Depression
OCD
Anxiety and Panic disorders
Gosh, I have a lot of reading to do for tonight. However, studying something that you're not going to be tested upon sure is exciting. Hee. Kudos for the UM med students though, they have it tough!
Psychiatric patients are very, very different than normal patients. And to be honest, history taking is vital in making up a concrete diagnosis - which can still change due to the dynamic nature of mental disorders. Sakit lah jugak otak nak kena make do with what all the docs were discussing in the Grand Rounds. Luckily ada tutorial with Prof later in the evening. Still, we were all 'grilled', our brains exhausted from all the learning plus Prof's 'motivation' for us to go back and hit the books. As per usual, medicine stays to be a thrilling field to venture but the workload and responsibility to perform well never fails to tire you. Haha.
Alhamdulillah wa astaghfirullah.
One interesting thing that I've learned today is that asocial personality behaviour is not the same to anti-social personality behaviour. The latter being the one that sociopaths have compared to the perangai 'malas-layan' orang we all thought it mean. So peeps, be wary when you describe anti-social to a psychiatrist. It's an alarming trait.
Back to reading!
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful
10.14pm
16 Syawal 1438H
Balakong
Bipolar disorder
Schizophrenia
Depression
OCD
Anxiety and Panic disorders
Gosh, I have a lot of reading to do for tonight. However, studying something that you're not going to be tested upon sure is exciting. Hee. Kudos for the UM med students though, they have it tough!
Psychiatric patients are very, very different than normal patients. And to be honest, history taking is vital in making up a concrete diagnosis - which can still change due to the dynamic nature of mental disorders. Sakit lah jugak otak nak kena make do with what all the docs were discussing in the Grand Rounds. Luckily ada tutorial with Prof later in the evening. Still, we were all 'grilled', our brains exhausted from all the learning plus Prof's 'motivation' for us to go back and hit the books. As per usual, medicine stays to be a thrilling field to venture but the workload and responsibility to perform well never fails to tire you. Haha.
Alhamdulillah wa astaghfirullah.
One interesting thing that I've learned today is that asocial personality behaviour is not the same to anti-social personality behaviour. The latter being the one that sociopaths have compared to the perangai 'malas-layan' orang we all thought it mean. So peeps, be wary when you describe anti-social to a psychiatrist. It's an alarming trait.
Back to reading!
 |
| Using dad's labcoat to camouflage ma identity as an elective student |
Monday, July 10, 2017
雨
I love the rain
Especially the ones in Malaysia
It's very calming,
and nostalgic
Those who know me really, really well
Would know how much I like it when it rains
Masa mustajab doa
Masa bila semua idea utk menulis keluar mencurah-curah
The best time to reminisce and count your blessings
I believe Allah has always placed the right people at the right time
To be around me, and to love me for who I am
And even if it's hard to accept (yet)
I believe, Allah also has taken the right people away at the right time
To be away from me, and to teach me lessons I'll never forget
It doesn't mean that they hate me
Nor do I need to hate them
To be away from me, and to teach me lessons I'll never forget
It doesn't mean that they hate me
Nor do I need to hate them
And it doesn't mean that I don't love them
Nor do they not love me
The rain is heavy today in Cheras Jaya
Does it correspond to what I'm feeling now?
As it pours down harshly on the roof, does it know how much my heart is pouring to be mended?
Does it correspond to what I'm feeling now?
As it pours down harshly on the roof, does it know how much my heart is pouring to be mended?
やあ、雨
聞こえる？
[Belek page Quran yg kena baca utk ODOJ]
"Dan Dialah yg menurunkan hujan setelah mereka berputus asa dan menyebarkan rahmatNya. Dan Dialah Maha Pelindung, Maha Terpuji." (42:28)
*smiles*
あなたが私のことを聞いたように思える
ありがとう、雨
今日の私のリマインダーであるために
He never lets me drown in my sadness and insecurity
Tell me, how can I ever let go of a Maula like Him?
わたしは、あなたを愛しています
私の旅に一緒にいてください
Nee, Allah?
*smiles, teary eyed*
Wednesday, July 5, 2017
Resolve
Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful
10.38am
11 Syawal 1438H
Madinah Al-Munawwarah
Today my cousin's friend passed away
His good friend
Aged 20
On his way to work, he got hit by a car
Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiun
Last week our beloved Bellamy passed away
She drowned after trying to save her other 7 relatives
She however wasn't able to save one of her siblings
Thus it was written for Huda and her to pass at a very young age
Bellamy being 21
Huda, was 14
Allahummaghfirlahum, warhamhum, wa'afihi wa'fu anhum
It's already 11 days since I'm in Haramain
I see young and old people doing their umrah
Filling in Baitullah and Raudhah
Most of the jemaah from Andalusia, are of the elderly
At that age, with such limited energy left, they work hard to go iktikaf at the masjid everyday
So eager, so full of zeal
Some of the young ones follow suit
Some stay behind in hotel rooms and the lobby
Selepas dua tazkirah kematian dalam dua minggu
Dan selepas berkali-kali diajak untuk solat jenazah usai solat fardhu
I have been thinking
After 23 years, am I actually ready..
To die?
Or am I just spouting nonsense
Saying that I am?
Death comes at any age
Will I live that long utk dapat jejak Baitullah again?
Will I live that long utk ada masa melengahkan beramal kebaikan sekarang?
At the time where people of my age are so worried about securing a job, who to marry
Working so hard to get their masters and PhDs
Finding ways to obtain financial freedom
Flaunting about their love life and material possession
Do I really want to be a part of this rat race that is only limited to this world?
And does the search and attainment of these goals will really, actually bring to Allah's redha?
Or is it just a tampalan, yet again?
At the age of 23
At the end of my umrah trip
At the end of my days in Madinah
I have finally found strength and reason
To hold on to my resolve
The one I discovered almost 5 years ago
Thus,
When I become a doctor, I want to work hard for the ummah to please Allah
Aid those in need, both physically and spiritually
When I study hard to pursue my masters and PhD, I want to do it so that Allah akan meredhai nikmat fikiran dan tenaga yang Dia berikan kepada hambanya Sabreena
When I fall in love, I want it to be pure sebab Allah sahaja
I want to protect that love so that it will bring my spouse and I, with our children, the generations before and our descendants to come, reach our eternal destination - our liqa' in Jannah
When I do obtain financial freedom, I want to use my money and infaq it to ikhwat akhwat yang sedang giat membina batu bata dakwah
I'll use my Dunya, the Dunya You gave me Ya Allah
For me to reach You
And inshaAllah
Sekiranya jasad dan jiwa ini Allah izinkan utk kembali menjejak bumi Malaysia
There's no more excuses to fall short on that purpose
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful
10.38am
11 Syawal 1438H
Madinah Al-Munawwarah
Today my cousin's friend passed away
His good friend
Aged 20
On his way to work, he got hit by a car
Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiun
Last week our beloved Bellamy passed away
She drowned after trying to save her other 7 relatives
She however wasn't able to save one of her siblings
Thus it was written for Huda and her to pass at a very young age
Bellamy being 21
Huda, was 14
Allahummaghfirlahum, warhamhum, wa'afihi wa'fu anhum
It's already 11 days since I'm in Haramain
I see young and old people doing their umrah
Filling in Baitullah and Raudhah
Most of the jemaah from Andalusia, are of the elderly
At that age, with such limited energy left, they work hard to go iktikaf at the masjid everyday
So eager, so full of zeal
Some of the young ones follow suit
Some stay behind in hotel rooms and the lobby
Selepas dua tazkirah kematian dalam dua minggu
Dan selepas berkali-kali diajak untuk solat jenazah usai solat fardhu
I have been thinking
After 23 years, am I actually ready..
To die?
Or am I just spouting nonsense
Saying that I am?
Death comes at any age
Will I live that long utk dapat jejak Baitullah again?
Will I live that long utk ada masa melengahkan beramal kebaikan sekarang?
At the time where people of my age are so worried about securing a job, who to marry
Working so hard to get their masters and PhDs
Finding ways to obtain financial freedom
Flaunting about their love life and material possession
Do I really want to be a part of this rat race that is only limited to this world?
And does the search and attainment of these goals will really, actually bring to Allah's redha?
Or is it just a tampalan, yet again?
At the age of 23
At the end of my umrah trip
At the end of my days in Madinah
I have finally found strength and reason
To hold on to my resolve
The one I discovered almost 5 years ago
Thus,
When I become a doctor, I want to work hard for the ummah to please Allah
Aid those in need, both physically and spiritually
When I study hard to pursue my masters and PhD, I want to do it so that Allah akan meredhai nikmat fikiran dan tenaga yang Dia berikan kepada hambanya Sabreena
When I fall in love, I want it to be pure sebab Allah sahaja
I want to protect that love so that it will bring my spouse and I, with our children, the generations before and our descendants to come, reach our eternal destination - our liqa' in Jannah
When I do obtain financial freedom, I want to use my money and infaq it to ikhwat akhwat yang sedang giat membina batu bata dakwah
I'll use my Dunya, the Dunya You gave me Ya Allah
For me to reach You
And inshaAllah
Sekiranya jasad dan jiwa ini Allah izinkan utk kembali menjejak bumi Malaysia
There's no more excuses to fall short on that purpose
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