In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful
12.59am
29 Zulkaedah 1438H
Balakong
Another 8 hours till take off, another 8 hours till I embark back to Ireland. It's been an exciting and beautiful journey for my heart as it recuperates from the craziness that happened during my second semester of third year.
I'm planning to write more, but I'll keep this section locked down for the time being as I sleep for tomorrow's early wake. I promise it won't be like my elective posting reflection that I've kept barren for a month already.
*peluh besar*
Please pray that I get this piece done because there's so many people I need to send my appreciation to. Above all, alhamdulillah Ya Rabb for granting me this peace of mind and heart. Thank you Allah for allowing me to have peace with the person that have left me - I learned that nothing was actually lost, it was more of me gaining so much more.
I'll write peeps inshaAllah. Doakan saya! :)
***
11.31pm
29 Zulkaedah 1438H
Lucan
Alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah. After 17 hours of flying across continents and rushing through Heathrow Airport, both me and me best pal have safely arrived in Dublin. It feels so surreal to be here inside my murabbi's study room knowing that next week will be start of the new term.
To begin my appreciation post I will start with a disclaimer.
This piece is a personal piece. It's not that I haven't been writing so much about myself and my life that I need to place this disclaimer beforehand, but it's just to remind the many people out there frequenting my blog to know that this particular post is not food for thought so you can skip all this nilly-willy if you're searching for some juicy ideas or opinions. Then again, I invite anyone to read ahead if you feel comfortable enough to delve into my humble circle of gratitude and happiness. Khabar baik dan nikmat Allah kan utk dikongsi dan dimuhasabah bersama? :)
Summer as a whole
It was spectacular subhanallah ^^. It began with a resolve to nurse back my broken heart and allow time for it to heal. I was ready to meet so many sisters and indulge myself in the many plans I've arranged before the summer break began. Some were made to realization, others, were just too unrealistic so it didn't work (haha). Nevertheless, the 3 months were fruitful and eventful. Though not as what I'd expected it to be initially, I believe that all which had happened was the best for me. And that hadaf utk merawat hati dan mengambil semangat akhwat Malaysia was attained - yeayy. Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal.
*senyum*
I'll break down the highlights of my summer break inshaAllah. Here goes..
Ramadhan
I was able to spend the whole length of Ramadhan this year in Malaysia - at home with family. It was a different experience coming home and going through the loops of emotional conquest as I trotted the roads in Malaysia on my own. Feelings of emptiness came as fast as it was negated so there was a constant battle to ensure that my focus was on Ramadhan, not on the hurt that was trying to become even more malignant. I celebrated my birthday during this holy month, alhamdulillah. It was my first year celebrating it 'alone' or so what I'd call it to be. However, during this time that I felt most lonely, Allah decided to sooth me with His words in the Quran, family that were always there and friends who revealed the weight of how much they truly cared. I cried reading the ending of Surah At-Tur and the beginning of Surah Al-Najm as it speaks about how we should be patient towards all that Allah has ordained for us as He is watching. I was even more touched when I read through the part that Allah said, "Apakah manusia akan mendapat segala yang dicita-citakannya? Tidak! Milik Allah-lah kehidupan akhirat dan kehidupan dunia."
*basah*
In this beautiful month as well, I had a breakdown, a meltdown, a period of exuding depressive symptoms. I'd blame myself for all of it because I was the one who signed up for it, yet I was unable to go through the aftermath of what was already entitled to it. I almost lost all hope in men, had trust issues even towards Sayyid Qutb and IHAB. Gosh, it was horrible astaghfirullah. May Allah protect all akhwat from ever having that much of a trust issue with the other gender. I'm glad though that I had my murabbi to vent to, my parents to seek insight from and Allah to cure all that came before, during and after it happened. Alhamdulillah Ramadhan ended with me going to Umrah and that it its entirety deserve another sub-section down here.
Umrah
This was my dream ever since 2014. I wanted to go to Makkah so much that I've always imagined it in my prayers every now and then. Even after coming back, that yearning never actually fades away. Every time I'm reminded of the Holy Land, there's this gush of emotional longing that comes surrounding my chest. It really is remarkable how you'd only remember the goodness of Makkah and Madinah while all the 'challenges' of its environment and people just dim away.
The first time I saw Kaabah, it was so emotional that I just felt like wanting to prostrate right then and there, thanking Allah for the opportunity to finally view His House with my very own eyes. Doing tawaf for 7 times, sa'ie from Safwa to Marwah to and fro another 7 times, just being in Masjidilharam itself was so soothing that I really didn't want to leave at all. But alas, we came here on a family trip, so what's more important is to keep the essence of going to umrah with family - not by myself, not just for my own sake.
Alhamdulillah we were able to do all the three umrah sessions with our mutawif as a group well. Good job for the whole fam! *wink2*'
However, we weren't able to do much ibadah sunat; iktikaf, tawaf sunat, solat sunat and the likes, there wasn't much opportunity for this because we're all quite sick. Mom was coughing terribly, Dad had fever, Ammar and I also had the nights when we became ill but Adik, of all people (she has asthma kot) was fine throughout the 14 days. We experienced the many trials of iman as a family and we succeeded through it as a family. Alhamdulillah ya Rabb, I am blessed so, so, much I dunno what to say anymore as those 2 weeks ended for us.
One of the trials that has haunted me throughout the trip was about my past feelings that have yet to fade away. On the first week of umrah, it was the first week of Syawal. Everyone was excited updating their Raya pics on social media. Me, being utterly dense, went on Instagram and found images of what I shouldn't be seeing. That caused a roller-coaster ride of tears and disappointment that I could not contain on my own. I made a special du'a, I need to move on and I need to pray for that person's betterment. (I cannot be jahat la I dunno why, Sabr please die haha) Besides, I have even better things to focus on, better and bigger missions to fulfill with the life Allah gave me. I am made for better, not just all this emotional rubbish I feed my mind with.
The length of stay in Haramain then came to an end, together with all the uneasiness I had in me regarding what had happened above. I was given the light, I was shown the way. And for some reasons, I knew that my future was never with him.
Elective posting
This was soooooo interesting I will not change my three weeks with something else - other than to do tarbiyyah-related stuff - even if I was given the chance to. Being in PPUM, studying in the wards and attending seminars in the building was like a dream come true. I've always adored Universiti Malaya since I was a child. With dad working in PPUM and all three of us being born there, there was like an attachment to the place that I felt so close to it since my younger years. I had to pay RM600 for those three weeks of elective posting, so if I can suggest other people, maybe choose KKM hospitals instead for your elective posting because this one costs a Gold Mine [exaggerating]. Nevertheless, the opportunity to attend psychiatric clinics, meet real patients with mental illness, seeing how methadone clinics are done and tagging along with the docs + profs + med students were amazing. Everyone was so helpful. Every week Wen Tzien would send me a full list of what topics will be covered during our seminars and case conferences. Every week Prof Koh would drill us on H&P skills that we'd feel exhausted after the 2 hour tutorial - twice! And every week, I get to study in the MedFac Library which is my fav spot to just doze off or read really thick medical books.
Psychiatry to me is like a calling. It feels so natural once you get the hang of it. I like how the questions we probe patients would eventually lead to the diagnosis. I am fascinated to learn more about the reward centre of the brain and how it over-reacting can lead to addiction. To learn my first clinical psychiatry in one of favourite local hospital just makes my enthusiasm sky-rocket to the top.
Or maybe that's just me, crazy enthusiastic over new knowledge.
*laughs*
They say to find something that you like and choose that for your elective posting. But if you're anything like me, who knows that unknown specialty could actually be your most favourite right?
Brunei, Bohey Dulang, Sabah and all things Tarbiyyah
Love, love, love and more love.
My lifeline gais, my lifeline.
I think Allah knew so well that my life, in its entirety, would just go to ruins if I wasn't place in gerabak Dakwah and Tarbiyyah. I've told myself countless of times and am truly convinced that life ahead would be dark, terrible and grim if I wasn't placed here. This however, doesn't mean that it's all sunshines and rainbows when we talk about tarbiyyah. Despite the increase zeal and passion I have whenever this topic comes to attention, life with the sisters in DnT is no walk in the park. To achieve the sweetness of jihad, one must first understand the reason behind such struggle, be willing to struggle and continue to be a part of that struggle with or without achieving any tangible results at hand.
Being here, my faith and principles were put to the test. And it was no simple test I tell you. Choices needed to be made, sleep and money needed to be sacrificed, preference and comfort needed to be put at the side, plus many other miscellaneous items that are yet to be listed here. It was harder seeing how my parents would frown at my decisions, but what needs to be done, needs to be done. (Balik prog come back home and clean the house and see what I mean when I say we ain't got no time to waste peeps huhu)
It's my second year visiting Sabah and all the lovely souls there. It feels as though we're so close now as I view their Whatsapp status and get their Hi-s and Hello-s whenever mine just sound like I'm down in the dumps. Kak Ana has always been that welcoming, saving grace everytime we sound like a bunch of lost chickens not knowing what to do or where to head off with all the plans in our head. Although we didn't actually set foot at Bohey Dulang, Sibuan and Matabuan were still two beautiful islands with clear blue sea that the akhwats definitely enjoyed. My best try at being 'pro-active' was lying on my back as I float through the waters with my face tanning (more like getting scorched) under the heated sun. Yes, I didn't do any snorkeling, please don't hate haha.
I enjoyed the stars and the warmth of the company I had with me. We shared stories and ideas, sat down in circles and just savoured the moment together as we listen to Kak Azwa sharing her advices when it came to being frontliners at our own waqi'.
This summer, I was able to become a muwajih for 3 different topics in which the last one was quite a challenge. I enjoyed every bit of it, the process of brainstorming and finding the correct points to suit my audience, the delivery of my speech, and the feedback I received - good or bad. It enhanced my skills and the way at how I look into giving out a particular topic. No longer was it a syok-sendiri kind of talk, banyak kena sucikan niat, banyak kena muhasabah dan mintak bantuan Allah, banyak kena analyse and fikir apa cara terbaik utk hit point supaya kata-kata kita berkesan. Dan yang paling penting is that the words lahir daripada hati nurani org beriman yang suci.
The most important thing that I've learned was about sacrifice. Every year, it's the same theme but always with new lessons to learn from. As we grow older in tarbiyyah, we'll be given even bigger mas'uliyyat. And with great power, comes great responsibility. There's no room to mess up because we know the gravity it holds when we do. We have more mad'u to cater, more people to think and care about - so mutabaah amal kena jaga lagi rapi. Hafazan kena tingkatkan, bacaan kena up lagi, tsaqafah kena tinggi, akhlak kena jaga. Mau pitam jugakla kalau all these increased weight of duty is placed on a weak heart.
It's not an easy path.
Dan kekuatan itu bukan lahir daripada hati yg lemah ini semata.
Allah-lah yg memberi segala kudrat tu
Seriously, no joke peeps
p.s: I love my usrahmates and murabbi. <3 <3
*senyum*
I'll break down the highlights of my summer break inshaAllah. Here goes..
Ramadhan
I was able to spend the whole length of Ramadhan this year in Malaysia - at home with family. It was a different experience coming home and going through the loops of emotional conquest as I trotted the roads in Malaysia on my own. Feelings of emptiness came as fast as it was negated so there was a constant battle to ensure that my focus was on Ramadhan, not on the hurt that was trying to become even more malignant. I celebrated my birthday during this holy month, alhamdulillah. It was my first year celebrating it 'alone' or so what I'd call it to be. However, during this time that I felt most lonely, Allah decided to sooth me with His words in the Quran, family that were always there and friends who revealed the weight of how much they truly cared. I cried reading the ending of Surah At-Tur and the beginning of Surah Al-Najm as it speaks about how we should be patient towards all that Allah has ordained for us as He is watching. I was even more touched when I read through the part that Allah said, "Apakah manusia akan mendapat segala yang dicita-citakannya? Tidak! Milik Allah-lah kehidupan akhirat dan kehidupan dunia."
*basah*
In this beautiful month as well, I had a breakdown, a meltdown, a period of exuding depressive symptoms. I'd blame myself for all of it because I was the one who signed up for it, yet I was unable to go through the aftermath of what was already entitled to it. I almost lost all hope in men, had trust issues even towards Sayyid Qutb and IHAB. Gosh, it was horrible astaghfirullah. May Allah protect all akhwat from ever having that much of a trust issue with the other gender. I'm glad though that I had my murabbi to vent to, my parents to seek insight from and Allah to cure all that came before, during and after it happened. Alhamdulillah Ramadhan ended with me going to Umrah and that it its entirety deserve another sub-section down here.
Umrah
This was my dream ever since 2014. I wanted to go to Makkah so much that I've always imagined it in my prayers every now and then. Even after coming back, that yearning never actually fades away. Every time I'm reminded of the Holy Land, there's this gush of emotional longing that comes surrounding my chest. It really is remarkable how you'd only remember the goodness of Makkah and Madinah while all the 'challenges' of its environment and people just dim away.
The first time I saw Kaabah, it was so emotional that I just felt like wanting to prostrate right then and there, thanking Allah for the opportunity to finally view His House with my very own eyes. Doing tawaf for 7 times, sa'ie from Safwa to Marwah to and fro another 7 times, just being in Masjidilharam itself was so soothing that I really didn't want to leave at all. But alas, we came here on a family trip, so what's more important is to keep the essence of going to umrah with family - not by myself, not just for my own sake.
Alhamdulillah we were able to do all the three umrah sessions with our mutawif as a group well. Good job for the whole fam! *wink2*'
However, we weren't able to do much ibadah sunat; iktikaf, tawaf sunat, solat sunat and the likes, there wasn't much opportunity for this because we're all quite sick. Mom was coughing terribly, Dad had fever, Ammar and I also had the nights when we became ill but Adik, of all people (she has asthma kot) was fine throughout the 14 days. We experienced the many trials of iman as a family and we succeeded through it as a family. Alhamdulillah ya Rabb, I am blessed so, so, much I dunno what to say anymore as those 2 weeks ended for us.
One of the trials that has haunted me throughout the trip was about my past feelings that have yet to fade away. On the first week of umrah, it was the first week of Syawal. Everyone was excited updating their Raya pics on social media. Me, being utterly dense, went on Instagram and found images of what I shouldn't be seeing. That caused a roller-coaster ride of tears and disappointment that I could not contain on my own. I made a special du'a, I need to move on and I need to pray for that person's betterment. (I cannot be jahat la I dunno why, Sabr please die haha) Besides, I have even better things to focus on, better and bigger missions to fulfill with the life Allah gave me. I am made for better, not just all this emotional rubbish I feed my mind with.
The length of stay in Haramain then came to an end, together with all the uneasiness I had in me regarding what had happened above. I was given the light, I was shown the way. And for some reasons, I knew that my future was never with him.
Elective posting
This was soooooo interesting I will not change my three weeks with something else - other than to do tarbiyyah-related stuff - even if I was given the chance to. Being in PPUM, studying in the wards and attending seminars in the building was like a dream come true. I've always adored Universiti Malaya since I was a child. With dad working in PPUM and all three of us being born there, there was like an attachment to the place that I felt so close to it since my younger years. I had to pay RM600 for those three weeks of elective posting, so if I can suggest other people, maybe choose KKM hospitals instead for your elective posting because this one costs a Gold Mine [exaggerating]. Nevertheless, the opportunity to attend psychiatric clinics, meet real patients with mental illness, seeing how methadone clinics are done and tagging along with the docs + profs + med students were amazing. Everyone was so helpful. Every week Wen Tzien would send me a full list of what topics will be covered during our seminars and case conferences. Every week Prof Koh would drill us on H&P skills that we'd feel exhausted after the 2 hour tutorial - twice! And every week, I get to study in the MedFac Library which is my fav spot to just doze off or read really thick medical books.
 |
| Fav library sebab tak ramai orang (haha) |
 |
| The best team I can ever ask for, with the kindest Prof Koh. #sisrindu |
Or maybe that's just me, crazy enthusiastic over new knowledge.
*laughs*
They say to find something that you like and choose that for your elective posting. But if you're anything like me, who knows that unknown specialty could actually be your most favourite right?
Brunei, Bohey Dulang, Sabah and all things Tarbiyyah
Love, love, love and more love.
My lifeline gais, my lifeline.
 |
| Brunei |
 |
| DKDP |
 |
| Bohey Dulang |
Being here, my faith and principles were put to the test. And it was no simple test I tell you. Choices needed to be made, sleep and money needed to be sacrificed, preference and comfort needed to be put at the side, plus many other miscellaneous items that are yet to be listed here. It was harder seeing how my parents would frown at my decisions, but what needs to be done, needs to be done. (Balik prog come back home and clean the house and see what I mean when I say we ain't got no time to waste peeps huhu)
It's my second year visiting Sabah and all the lovely souls there. It feels as though we're so close now as I view their Whatsapp status and get their Hi-s and Hello-s whenever mine just sound like I'm down in the dumps. Kak Ana has always been that welcoming, saving grace everytime we sound like a bunch of lost chickens not knowing what to do or where to head off with all the plans in our head. Although we didn't actually set foot at Bohey Dulang, Sibuan and Matabuan were still two beautiful islands with clear blue sea that the akhwats definitely enjoyed. My best try at being 'pro-active' was lying on my back as I float through the waters with my face tanning (more like getting scorched) under the heated sun. Yes, I didn't do any snorkeling, please don't hate haha.
I enjoyed the stars and the warmth of the company I had with me. We shared stories and ideas, sat down in circles and just savoured the moment together as we listen to Kak Azwa sharing her advices when it came to being frontliners at our own waqi'.
This summer, I was able to become a muwajih for 3 different topics in which the last one was quite a challenge. I enjoyed every bit of it, the process of brainstorming and finding the correct points to suit my audience, the delivery of my speech, and the feedback I received - good or bad. It enhanced my skills and the way at how I look into giving out a particular topic. No longer was it a syok-sendiri kind of talk, banyak kena sucikan niat, banyak kena muhasabah dan mintak bantuan Allah, banyak kena analyse and fikir apa cara terbaik utk hit point supaya kata-kata kita berkesan. Dan yang paling penting is that the words lahir daripada hati nurani org beriman yang suci.
The most important thing that I've learned was about sacrifice. Every year, it's the same theme but always with new lessons to learn from. As we grow older in tarbiyyah, we'll be given even bigger mas'uliyyat. And with great power, comes great responsibility. There's no room to mess up because we know the gravity it holds when we do. We have more mad'u to cater, more people to think and care about - so mutabaah amal kena jaga lagi rapi. Hafazan kena tingkatkan, bacaan kena up lagi, tsaqafah kena tinggi, akhlak kena jaga. Mau pitam jugakla kalau all these increased weight of duty is placed on a weak heart.
"Sy syg awk tp sy x bersetuju ape2 tindkn dahulukan benda lain berbanding dnt... sy doakan awk kuat dan sy kuat utk dahulukan dnt drpd apa2 kerisauan yg lain... amien"
- Kak Ana -
It's not an easy path.
Dan kekuatan itu bukan lahir daripada hati yg lemah ini semata.
Allah-lah yg memberi segala kudrat tu
Seriously, no joke peeps
p.s: I love my usrahmates and murabbi. <3 <3
Family
I love them. From my parents to my siblings to my grandparents and to my relatives. I have finally learned the value of blood ties and family relationship. Took me long enough to had that embedded in me, took me long enough to even begin cherishing these bonds that I have only known to dislike in my yesteryear. Please ya Rabb, I hope I can do my best to serve them in Dunya and secure them a place in Jannah.
I love them. From my parents to my siblings to my grandparents and to my relatives. I have finally learned the value of blood ties and family relationship. Took me long enough to had that embedded in me, took me long enough to even begin cherishing these bonds that I have only known to dislike in my yesteryear. Please ya Rabb, I hope I can do my best to serve them in Dunya and secure them a place in Jannah.
Friends
During this summer break, I was able to meet with a number of my friends, let it be those that I'm close to or not. I met friends whom I've never seen for years, talked on the phone for hours with those that I've only been in contact through social media and went to two weddings (alhamdulillah Allah sempatkan). I've seen how a friend can sacrifice and how a friend truly cares. Patience, persistence and honesty was displayed in one of the friends I have known which I hope one day will pay off for that person. Give them goodness ya Rabb, only goodness in this life and the next.
All in all, I think I owe this post more colour and pictures but I'll leave it to be until Ukashah gives me time to decorate this piece. Till then, I pray Allah grants me steadfastness to always choose Him and DnT first above all else. I pray Allah allows us to be His slaves and soldiers till our death arrives to us, and I pray Allah guides us to be the best version of ourselves in the many things we will do in life.
Alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah for this year's summer break.
Jazakumullahu khayran katheera for all that has coloured my days back home in Malaysia.
:)
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