In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful
11.22pm
18 Ramadhan 1438H
Balakong
"Akak bukan nak kata awak, tapi symptoms awak ni macam orang yang ada depression."
I haven't been writing for 4 days. I forgot how the template for writing in here began with. It's terrible having to go through the next 10 days of Ramadhan after leaving the first 10. Nonetheless, I'm first going to share some tips on how to present 'Kaitan 3 Qul'.
Disclaimer: This will either be a lengthy post or a concise one for I am currently facing an episode of anhedonia, if it can be categorize by episodes rather than a progressive increase in intensity.
Last Friday I was given the chance to once again be a muwajih. The topic was to talk about the 3 surahs from Juz 'Amma which were Surah An-Nas, Al-Falaq and Al-Ikhlas. To prepare for the task it wasn't just about delivering the theory behind the three Surahs, it was about conveying the most important points - the fikrah behind each of the surah that is needed to support one's baby steps in tarbiyyah. So for the reason of having to dig in deep into the core of each surah, I needed help. So I asked around the more experienced people I know of that has gone through TfTs (Training for Trainers) and multiple times of delivering the surahs in their liqa' and came to these resources that could help.
1. UQY's recording
2. Akhwat's TfTs recording
3. Ummu Aliyah's blogposts on the 3 Surahs
Surah An-Nas - link here
Surah Al-Falaq - link here
Surah Al-Ikhlas - link here
4. Abu Al-A'la Maududi's 4 Istilah, Chapter Ilah and Rabb - link here
People who have gone through these 3 surahs a couple of times will find that to ensure that a mad'u gets the best out of their first days in tarbiyyah, these 3 surahs need to be well engraved and embedded in the heart. Because again, the Quran is an endless book of knowledge and wisdom. No one can confidently say that they have had enough of 3 Qul, ever. Or even any part in the Quran. This said, I will now begin extracting some of the main points a muwajih needs to hit - generally (you need to always talk with the murabbis involved first to know who your audience is).
Surah An-Nas
- Rabb, Malik, Ilah --> Explain how Allah uses these 3 names of His to create not only a close bond to humans, but also to show His superiority over the things that will act as internal barriers, tests, problems of the heart
- Ilah is an important part to explain. Even I got really wow-ed over it as I studied over the point in Maududi's book. Makes me wonder if I'm actually putting my own individual dreams as an Ilah
- Stress back on the fact that the evil we're trying to combat in Surah An-Nas is so powerful and invisible, we don't know when it's gonna come, it just does and so, Allah is emphasizing His ability to remove all that will trouble your heart in getting back to Him. And we, as he acknowledges Himself as our Ilah strongly accentuates the fact the He is that powerful to rival this evil that is so dangerous.
Surah Al-Falaq
- Evil is in all shapes and sizes, exists in daylight or night, can be because of its own natural course of existence and can also be due to an external input (people's envy)
- These external problems are actually not as scary as those that exists within us. As well know, our inner demons are far more scarier than what they eye behold. However, we still need protection from Allah nevertheless because these external elements can eventually hinder our well-being and destroy our chances to go back to Him.
Surah Al-Ikhlas
- Major part to stress on is keikhlasan kita dalam nak mencari redha Allah. It's all about the questioning part of whether we are truly kholis for Allah or not. Like, are the things we do truly directed for Him and follows what He wants us to do in the creation of humans? --> talk about our 2 purpose of life
- After the questioning, remember to remind the audience of how GREAT Allah is. And that is shown in each ayat of the surah. Ahad, As-Somad, Lam Yalid wa Lam Yulad, Wa Lam Yakullahu Kufuwan Ahad. These parts can not be missed because they encompass the strong foundation of faith when we want to truly kholis for the sake of Allah. This is because these characteristics of Allah is actually Allah's way of putting confidence in us of His ability, yet again, to ease our way back to Him, to ease our way untuk buat tujuan hidup. And who else can we run to eventually, other than Him?
Plus point: USE LOTSA EXAMPLES that is relevant to your audience. DO NOT TALK about something they can't relate to.
Overall --> All these Surahs can be linked in under so many hadafs (objectives). But one main thing that needs to be reminded is the word 'Qul' in front of all these Surahs - meaning that, one does not just learn the intricacy of the surahs without practicing its lessons. Iman itu dibuktikan dengan amal, and so that is one important thing to note, always.
Alhamdulillah that's done and it was well received by the sisters from Muar. Alhamdulillah ala kulli khayran ya Rabb, that's done. Now comes the story of me.
.....
After delivering Kaitan 3 Qul at Masjid Putra, I was in for a cascade of misery. One after another, Allah just threw things at me as He tests me of what I have said. And it's not easy really. I'm actually quite disappointed with myself, very much disappointed. I feel like I'm a failure at everything now.
I look at myself in the mirror and I can see black circles around my eyes. Everyday, they get bigger and darker. For the past 21 days, I have suffered terrible insomnia which I thought initially was just jet lag. I let it go thinking that it'll get better but it didn't. When I shut my eyes at night, I would need a minimum of one hour to silent my crazy thoughts before finally getting some sleep. And everyday, I wake up late feeling tired, moody and just not interested in life. I force myself to swallow all my sadness and move on with life. Which, is quite a challenge.
In the past month, I lost 5kg, and I could barely regain what I lost. I just measly got another kilo or two up in me, after I break my fast. I can see my cheekbones more prominent each day and my shoulders are just plain bone. I cry at the slightest of trigger, and they are everywhere - from the songs to the clothes, to the dramas on tv, to the small talk I have with my brother, all I do is wither and fall. I get agitated and emotional, it's hard to bite my tongue and just stay quite. And as I try to push myself everyday, the tendency to hurt the people that I love just skyrockets. That eventually resulted in dad being very cross with me earlier in the evening. And with that, I just lost all my chances untuk pergi program tarbiyah yang dah banyak tersusun untuk bulan ni and bulan Julai.
Does anybody, in their sane mind, think I like being like this?
I feel so pathetic. What's more worst is that despite my decision to no longer be affected by 'the incident', my body just won't accept it. I can't eat as much as I used to, I don't feel like I want to eat, I force food on myself until I feel like vomiting. I had to swallow my tears because crying, in this household, is clearly not accepted. Crying means that you're weak. Crying means your parents aren't taking good care of you. Crying means that you're not grateful.
Where else can I cry if I can't cry at home? At my parents?
Pfft.
And even when I cry in silence, if someone catches me, it's like I'm doing something so despicable.
I am so weak, so, so, weak. For the past few years I have tried to act all masculine, only to find out that I am a very soft-hearted person. I cry for people, I cry for myself. And sometimes I feel so stupid because I can't stop crying and I can't stop feeling.
I had to pinch myself to stop the tears from falling. I had to tell myself to not feel anything, to be numb. How am I suppose to laugh again when everytime I try to be happy, I would be reminded of how happy I was before. And I get scared to feel anything.
Because of this, I get edgy and I get emotional.
Do you think anybody wants to go through this intentionally?
Do you think anybody wants to frown at the parents that have loved them so much?
Do you think that I haven't tried hard enough to not think about it?
Do you think I want to make my dad angry and lose all possibility untuk pergi daurah, jaulah and jumpa akhwat?
And these are my life line when I was suffering back in Ireland.
Do you think staying at home, where all the memories are, will save me?
*sighs*
My parents will never know.
Even if they do, they'll shrug it off like always.
This pain is just mine, and only I can get through it.
I have to.
And to whom do I ask help?
To Allah, that's all.
I don't know anything anymore other than there's only solace in Him.
I don't know if I can move pergi wasilah tarbiyah.
I don't know if my adik-adik will be okay dengan kakak dia macam ni.
I don't know if there's gonna be a miracle anymore.
Like Maryam, I just feel like dying.
I just want to go.
I don't want to be depressed, not because of something like this.
Not because of someone who doesn't even care.
Not because of an incident that is so ridiculously pathetic.
Ya Rabb,
Sesungguhnya perlindunganMu adalah yang terbaik
and it is the only one I can seek of
Ujian 3 Qul, spot on.
#tazkiyahseorangsabr
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