These days I end up losing most of my sanity in fighting myself. Simply because I am far from the 'Gardens of Paradise' and my parents do not look at it as any significant aspect that can sustain my 'life' at all. *sigh* Losing myself one way or the other is also my own decision to blame because of all the things I did, none were beneficial enough to protect myself. I can give out a gazillion effectors to blame on my current state. However, to list out the many reasons and factors wouldn't be smart would it?
This has got me thinking that I have been far too childish in my approach to battle my inner nafs. I keep on trying to find an external solution to something that is sprouting from within me. The evil that is to blame is none other than me, myself and I. To me, nobody can actually understand you wholly. Some people can understand you in one aspect, while the other person can understand you in ten aspects. One person can get why you chose purple instead of yellow, while the other person just goes insane belittling even the thought of having to chose colours in buying a water bottle. And these are just simple examples to all the daily dramas we have to face every single day in our human lives. True, there are people who get you so well that they potentially hit the title 'Soulmate' in your life dictionary, but to be honest, we still do keep secrets from the closest of people we have around us because we are afraid that at the end of the day, our 'Soulmate' will fail to be our 'Soulmate' because nobody can actually love you unconditionally without bashing your head to the wall several times. (This is just an expression; an over-exaggerating one)
So, this place is kept sacred to only one entity that knows ALL of our weaknesses and carelessness, acknowledge ALL of our stupid mistakes and tolerates with ALL our ignorant behaviour, yet is still so loving, kind and forgiving. And who else can take the spot other than Allah?
What you don't believe me?
"Allah hendak memberikan keringanan kepadamu, kerana manusia diciptakan bersifat lemah." (4:28)
"Sungguh, manusia diciptakan bersifat suka mengeluh. Apabila dia ditimpa kesusahan dia berkeluh kesah." (70:19-20)
"Sesungguhnya mereka itu mencintai kehidupan (dunia) dan meninggalkan hari yang berat (hari kiamat) dibelakangnya." (77:27)
See? Doesn't He know alot about us already? How we're so messed up and problematic. Yet why is He still compassionate?
"Katakanlah, 'Wahai hamba-hambaKu yang melampaui batas terhadap diri mereka sendiri! Janganlah kamu berputus asa dari rahmat Allah. Sesungguhnya Allah mengampuni dosa-dosa semuanya. Sungguh, Dialah Yang Maha Pengampun, Maha Penyayang." (39:53)
*cries slow tears*
Don't you think that it's just too much to act so bad when Allah is so, so, incredibly kind?
For many years, I have been blinded by the fact that nobody cared deeply nor truly understand all the battles I had to face. But every time I come to the Quran or let myself weep on the praying mat, only then did I find my true friend, my soulmate, my one and only, my beloved - Allah. It is a daunting prospect writing this when I, myself am not truly holding on to every piece of word I write. Kerana fitrah manusia itu jatuh dan bangun, fitrah iman itu yazid wa yanquz, fitrah hati itu mudah berbolak-balik. Maka saya tujukan bingkisan ini bukan pada sekalian manusia, tetapi pada hati dan diri saya sendiri because reminders benefit the believers.
"Katakanlah, 'Jika kamu mencintai Allah, ikutilah aku, nescaya Allah mencintaimu dan mengampuni dosa-dosamu.' Allah Maha Pengampun, Maha Penyayang."
(3:31)
"Berlarilah kembali kepada Tuhanmu sayang."
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