Within Me

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

I pray only to Allah for guidance in the things that I do
And may the words that I write will be guided by Him and not by my nafs

...

To be honest,
I don't think anybody reads my blog
Let alone obtain anything decent from it
Recently I have been faced with a trial that is tormenting my soul
And ripping me apart internally

Despite knowing the nature of a trial
In which Allah is actually cleansing me of my past sins, and cleansing me of my jahiliyah
I still fail countless of times
To stop my heart from aching
To stop my tears from crying of the same reason
And my thoughts from being suicidal

Yes,
I try to talk it over with my friends and family
And I have had tremendous support from those around me
In fact,
I have my exams to shift my focus from the 'petty' trial
To something that is pertinent in my studies as a medical student

Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal

Yet deep down,
Only Allah knows how much I've suffered, am suffering, and will be suffering

I tell myself everyday to grow up
Move forward
And stop reminiscing
I tell myself that I need to stop making up stories of the future
Don't hope for any rainbows
Don't breed vengeance
And don't act or feel ill because of remorse

Writing eases me
And it brings me to perspective on the things that I'm facing in life
So despite knowing that nobody actually ventures in this blog of mine
I'd still like to say
That I might be emotional and personal in my writings
For God knows how long of a time

So if anybody reads on the next chapters of my life,
Please bear with my words and paragraphs
The emotions and pain that I weave in my script here

"Awak kena cari cara utk cope dengan stress awak. Memang kita kena doa and solat, tapi Allah takkan ubah nasib kita kalau kita tak ubah apa yg ada dalam diri kita dulu kan?"

So this canvas
Is my way of coping with perils of life
Happy or sorrow
I'll continue to write
I don't think I'll ever stop
Because trials and tribulations never do

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah I begin and I end
To him I came from, to Him I will return

If you've read till the end
Mohon doakan seorang Sabreena ye?

Jazakumullahu khayran.