Fear

I'm scared to believe that happiness exist
I'm scared to believe that hope exist
I'm scared to be happy, because I fear the sadness that comes after every smile
I'm scared to love, because I think pain comes haunting my bones afterwards

I'm scared to move, feel or speak
I'm scared to engage in deep conversations

The idea that people can lie, hurt and betray keeps on coming
The idea that people can smile and be happy while you wither to death keeps on coming
Black, black, sorrowful thoughts are looming

Fear is building up on me
More than hope is

Khauf dan raja'
Pada Allah je bukan?

But why am I becoming so fearful of everything I used to once cherish so preciously?

I'm scared to be positive
Because I'm scared of losing it one day
One day when I needed it the most

Despite sunshine
I feel like staying in the dark
I'm becoming scared to love others
As the only piece left in me crumbles

"Sabr,
Have patience please?
Please just don't lose the smile and kindness, and closeness to Allah that you have."
That small dot of hope in my heart speaks

Central, crushing pain
Do I have angina?
Or is the emotional pain coming at me again?