Alhamdulillah, there is still enough oxygen supplied to meet the needs of my body and Alhamdulillah there is less nose obstruction to my inhalation and exhalation yet the feeling of blankness still exist, day by day expanding until I could feel the hole now. Well, to be exact it was yesterday.
It has mainly been my concern that I have yet to fulfil my life-long duty as an abiding servant and what more a model of pure Muslim. With this concern, I tried my best to begin practising extra 'activities' though it saddens me that in the end, this nafs-problem keeps on repeating itself which makes me wonder,"Would Allah forgive me again?"
So I bumped into this ayaah a few days ago in Surah Al-Maidah,
Know ye that Allah is strict in punishment and that Allah is Oft-forgiving, Most Merciful.
(5:98)
*cries*
So later on, it strucked me. "Baiknya Allah... (How Kind is Allah..)"
Speaking about yesterday, I finally realized that after all this while I have lost the ability to be inspired by other people what more to inspire others. The colourful canvas which is me now seems as pale and dark as a hollow street at far-end of town. Was my heart that tainted? What have I done?
I looked at my hands, felt my heart, brushed my head. These bodyparts, they, they did nothing wrong. It was my soul that tainted them, that made them do ill things. This soul abused the gifts Allah bestowed upon me. You could guess that I was feeling this overbearing guilt as I summed up the misdeeds I've done. I couldn't even pray for myself, I only prayed that Allah forgave me and protected everyone else from being harmed by my ill-doings.
Inspiration gone, I feel numbed. But it doesn't mean I can give up. It just means that I need to recalibrate my intentions, clean up those dirty spots in my soul, patch up the void, and fill it with my Creator. InsyaAllah, things will be well.
Allah is nearer than our jugular vein aite?
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