Mengikhlaskan

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

11.36pm
20 Rabiul Awwal 1439 H
Galway

This is a simple post to everyone that has loved me endlessly till today. I'm okay, I'm happy alhamdulillah. Allah has been so, so kind to me. Please don't pity me, but pray loads for me instead please?

:)

Doakan seorang Sabreena mampu menjadi doktor yang kompeten
Akhwat yang soleh lagi musleh
Hamba yang taat dan patuh
Serta manusia yang rendah diri serta tawadhu'

Jazakumullah khayran katheera

Aku menangkanMu Ya Allah atas urusan ini

Redhailah perjuangan hati ini

Moga kelak bakal melahirkan para syuhada’

Moga kelak bakal mewariskan dakwah suci ini

Dan moga kekal tsabat sebagai batu-bata agamaMu

#tazkiyahseorangsabr

The One?

"It's one thing about choosing to be with a person. But it's also another thing to choose to stay with a person."

- Ami Samsuri

I'd choose Allah again and again, every single time without fail. I hope my other half will too. And with all the choices we'd have to make in the future, I hope we'll always choose each other and make things work no matter how terrible or beautiful life may be.

And yes guys, the random reflection actually came after starting Obs and Gynae. Will come up with a reflection post on this 4-week rotation before silencing myself to the books inshaAllah.

Paediatrics

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

5.41pm
20 Safar 1439H
CSI, University Hospital Galway

I've been away long enough that this place is starting to collect dust yet again. Though I must say, this year has been one of my most active year writing in this canvas. They say that when you're ridiculously in love or terribly heartbroken, you suddenly turn to become a poet. Maybe that's why Shawn Mendes made quite a statement when he 'requested' to be heartbroken by a girl in order for him to create better songs.

Putting all this irrelevant introduction out of the way, I'm currently still in CSI despite it being a Friday, despite it being dark and past maghrib, and despite my 'floppy' hijab (that I have brilliantly modified to a shawl version of the square hijab). Finishing my third week in Paediatrics has been splendid so far, although I am, actually very intimidated with the amount of knowledge expected from us by the end of the 4 weeks. Being a doctor soon feels so real now as the semester is about to end - it's already mid November peeps, June 2019 isn't that far.

Alhamdulillah today I was able to get my Ward-Based Assessment or more commonly called 'baby check' as I end my Neonatal Week. Yes, I do enjoy examining the babes but I do not enjoy it when they persistently cry as you flip them to check for ventral tone. Watching sick neonates, premies, is a very touching sight really. Can you even imagine holding a 1.3 kg baby? So, so small. So, so fragile. You're just so scared that you'll break them.

No joke.

We learned about the complications that a premie might develop post-natal and how the team manages these small fellas. We even had a go at practicing a neonatal resuscitation. Our consultants are completely fabulous and they really do show an immense passion in what they're pursuing as paediatricians.

So far, in the 3 weeks of this rotation, I have learned so much about these little creatures that are so different than us adults. Tutorials about common clinical presentations of children to congenital anomalies to developmental delay, they really were fascinating if not overwhelming. All of these might sound fancy, and as a medical student that is always keen to learn something new, I find that my biggest lesson wasn't in the pathophysiology or clinical picture of these myriad of conditions. What captivated me the most was the resilience displayed by parents, followed by the empathy of clinicians in treating these families.

Why do I say families?
Because once a child is diagnose with a terminal illness, the whole family is affected by it. The whole family struggles, the whole family basically 'shares' the disease with these sick children.

I'll ask you this. Can you go through a night with your child crying non-stop with a fever and a barking cough? Would you be able to just stay put seeing your child convulse for more than 30 minutes in the ambulance? And would you be able to go through the news that your child is diagnosed with a life-long debilitating condition?

It's not an easy feat dealing with this. One parent of a severely handicapped teenage girl came in to speak with us about her journey living with a disable daughter. It was so touching, it was so real. The difficulty in accepting her baby's condition, the guilt thinking that it was her fault to cause it, the bad days, the good days, the awkward situations. Her experience just demonstrates how human she is as she struggles to keep everything in place. I almost cried 3 times during that one hour session and I guess even now my eyes are teary as I write this down.

Parenting is hard.

And that's just taking care of normal kids.

What about those parents with special kids?

What if it was you?

What if it was me?

Can I go through an hour looking at my child crying and convulsing? Can I go through a day where my baby is ventilated with wires sticking out of every place they can get a line from? Can I go through nights when it's just me and my little girl in the ED as I cuddle her close because there's no bed in the wards to admit her?

Yes, paediatrics is tough. The number of cases are just massive, the possibility for a UTI to develop into a pyelonephritis and finally bring the baby into shock is there. Vomiting and diarrhea can be anything from simple gastritis to meningitis. Yes, it's insane and super tiring.

But imagine those mothers, imagine those fathers.

Betapa Allah nak kita belajar that we are so, so lucky to be healthy, He has to show us the worse case scenario in these children. I wonder today after that session with the mother who came in to talk with us medical students,

"Kenapa Allah buat macam ni kat anak-anak and these families eh? Is it because Allah wants to remind me of the ni'mahs He has given me? Just for me, a forgetful slave to remember Him?"

Sayangnya Allah kat aku
Sayangnya Allah kat kita

And yet we fail to see this
We fail to see How blessed we are
With all the gifts and potential, the strengths and abilities
Kita masih lagi nak menidakkan hak Dia?
We still run away from our SH
We deny Him all the gratitude He should have been given

As I type this down, tears have already left my eyes. How ungrateful am I sampaikan sudah senang nak putus asa just because Dia uji dengan sedikit masalah ukhuwwah.

Banyak sangat nikmat Allah, and really peeps, boleh ke kita nak hitung semuanya?

Inqilab

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

1.55am

10 Safar 1439H

Galway

Manhaj Inqilab al-Islam ni tajuk ucapan Maududi yg diberi di Universiti Aligarh, universiti yg berdekatan dgn Taj Mahal. Sangat best, tunggu kupasan di masa akan dtg inshaAllah.

For now, some reflection on bahan Inqilab and also on a personal resolution.

***

After three years of having at least 4 of us in an usrah, now comes the time when it’s just me, Ilyani and our murabbi sitting in a circle (a distorted one) for usrah, daurah, mabit, etc, etc. It’s not easy having to think, assess and come up with follow-up plans with just three brains but I guess Allah has prepared us enough to go through all this inshaAllah. There’s been so many things to juggle that it seems nearly impossible to get everything done as how we’d like it to be. But what is important, at least for me, is to just get it done.

I’m glad though for still being here even though it’s challenging day by day to keep everything in tabs - mutabaah, jaga adik, txt-call mutarabbi, study (oh lord study huhu), clinical activities - but with this big and important job I’m doing, it clearly helps me fight away all the ‘small’ things that really wouldn’t help in my development as a person, what more as a daie. 

Ujian datang utk membersihkan. And when we come out of tht mehnah, we will come out stronger and better.

It’s true.

And although it was undeniably painful, it was worth the ‘penyentalan’.

Perasaan pasca pengisian inqilab ni is to improve myself and improve my vision of the future I wish to see of my ummah. Dreams of creating a better tomorrow does not stop after I end my single-simpleton life. A dream tht’s linked by aqidah between two people, will continue to flourish as they’re united because fikrah yg sama akan menyatukan hati dua individu muslim membina baitul muslim ke arah mencapai ustaziatul alam.

There’s no more time to waste, dates for programs and exams are already in place, and soon, even life-changing dates will come into my calendar of life. 

Kalau sedih dengar pengisian inqilab through recording ustaz je, kenalah lepas ni besarkan istiab diri utk mampu tingkatkan tsaqafah and bina lg ramai murabbi ummah. Hubungan dgn Allah tu yg akan menjanjikan kemenangan Sabr, and tak perlu pun ramai org utk secure kemenangan agung. It’s not the numbers, it’s the depth of those being born from the tarbiyah tht you shape them with.

Penat weyh penat

But that’s just how life is

Alhamdulillah though

Because no matter what, my Lord is with me

Wahua ma’akum aina ma kuntum

And I know why I’m doing this

I clearly know why

It’s just to make you pleased with me Ya Rabb

So do grant all of us ease

*smiles*

Muayashah Skills

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

9.31pm
30 Muharram 1439H
Galway

Today I learned a super valuable skill during my GP teaching session in the afternoon. We had an interactive learning period under the topic Effective Practice in Facilitating Behaviour Change.

What it's all about is with regards to behaviour change, like changing a lifestyle or cessation of smoking or reduction of alcohol intake, etc. In this particular tutorial, we were given several activities that illustrated how difficult it was - as a human - to change the norms that we do in our everyday life. A habit sticks because we are so accustomed to doing it. And like how we were before we met tarbiyah, we had our sets of habits that weren't in accordance to how Islamic teachings were.

Dah 18 tahun ditarbiyah dgn tarbiyah jahiliyah, emang susahlah mau sental. What more if someone lives to their 50s with a particular bad habit, it would be challenging.

Thus, when we went through the many exercise given by the psychologist tutor, this tool that was invented by Prochaska & DiClemente has proven it's ability to assist us in understanding our mad'u and also pinpointing the most relevant method to address their pembinaan. It's pretty self-explanatory and after talking to many wiser and more experience people in the field, I believe that this is a good summary for all daies to emulate upon.

I am pretty sure that everything listed on the paper is actually known to everyone, but maybe not made into a particular way that could help retain the knowledge of nurturing human resource. So hopefully me putting this here would allow more murabbis to be able to use it as a guidance to facilitate perubahan mad'u dan perubahan diri masing-masing.

In addition to this post, I've made a YouTube video explaining how to use it in a tarbiyah-manner but is only available to akhwats/sisters. So if you'd like a peek, send me a comment below with your email and I'll send the link over.

Moga Allah berkati usaha semua murabbi dan mutarabbi diluar sana!

Being Productive

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

11.46pm
27 Muharram 1439H
Galway

Urges to write come and go throughout the day as I mentally store all my thoughts and worries in a compartment of my brain that is actually so eager to be let out. Mentally blocking them away and replacing it with something else can only last me several hours before it comes back again. And what disappoints me the most is that I continuously feel like I need to update the world about my activities as though that's the way I'll ever feel worthwhile and that my life was worth something.

It's complex - this feeling I'm having now.

It's as though I'm comparing my present life all over again with the past that I have agreed to bury not too long ago. There's no regret, just a melancholy that comes hitting me again and again like the waves of the ocean moving against the shore. Or maybe it is regret, regret for not being cautious in taking care of my own heart.

I'm here now typing away in my blog as the clock hits midnight in Galway. Yesterday, Hurricane Ophelia came in to Ireland and Galway was one of the counties that was predicted to face the winds hard. I was in Dublin at that time so alhamdulillah nothing was too serious at that time for us but the ride back to Galway later in the evening sure was rough. To be honest, I was ready to leave the world. I slept soundly, not worrying about the stability of the bus being challenged by the horrendous weather. I don't think it was a suicidal ideation, it was more of like redha. Like I was ready to meet Him.

We arrived back home around 9pm and settled everything as should be. I slept that night feeling a slight emptiness within me. Maybe it's because Kak Nik Nur is going back soon and it'll be just me and Ilyani till Kak Diba arrives a few weeks later. Things are going more complicated, bahan usrah, tanggungjawab dakwah, fikir itu fikir ini, medical studies, case reports, 'future' arrangements, etc. I'm not asking for things to go easy, it never will. I'm glad that I'm getting busier, the fact that Allah still chooses me is a blessing, not a burden. And I'm not asking for a special someone to come to my life, listen to my rants or the sorts because with a special someone comes the special responsibility, and I'm clearly not fitted to withstand that might just yet.

The bruise is still there, it needs a bit more time.

I've learned that things are not easy, never will be easy and the journey to betterment will never cease to end. Healing my heart, working on myself, enjoying my life - all requires constant energy and focus. And up until now, after more than 30 minutes of writing, I think I'm able to address the bundle of emotional mess that's occupying my brain (like a space occupying lesion) and entangle everything one at a time.

One thing for sure that I've learned is that I need to stop digging into the past feelings and memories. I need to stop revisiting images over and over again. I need to stop being sorry for everyone, or feel superior over anyone, or feel guilty for the actions I made. I don't need to prove to anyone that I'm doing fine to actually feel that I'm doing fine. I'm getting better and I can't give up now. I have my mutarabbis to care for, my tarbiyyah to look after, my medical degree to finish, my future husband (eh) to look forward to, and my future children to educate inshaAllah.

I don't know if I'll be able to pull it through but for the time being, I have to make things work at least for my own sake lillahi ta'ala.

"Ya Tuhanku, anugerahkanlah aku ilham untuk tetap mensyukuri nikmat-Mu yang telah Engkau anugerahkan kepadaku dan kepada kedua orang tuaku dan agar aku mengerjakan kebajikan yang Engkau redhai; dan masukkanlah aku dengan rahmat-Mu ke dalam golongan hamba-hambaMu yang soleh."

(Surah An-Naml, 27:19)

Everyone deserves happiness Sabr, so don't be like those that rejoice over other people's suffering. Pray for goodness, for yourself and your sisters/brothers as well. Doa seorang muslim kepada muslim yang lain secara rahsia kan akan dapat semula kepada kita? Make connections with the light inside you that Allah has placed, and don't heed the whispers of syaitan surrounding your ribcage.

You're better than this Sabr.
Way better than this.

#tazkiyahseorangsabr

Attachments and Commitment

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracios, Most Merciful

12.51am
11 Muharram 1439 H
Galway

"Sabr, cuba bacakan ni kuat-kuat."

It all began with a long stare at the dining table, a 10 seconds daze during qadhaya and this small photo to give me a hint that she's struggling deep inside. I look at her from the red laptop I was using to type all the details of our qadhaya. She appeared calm as always, but there was a difference in her face as the time went pass 12.30pm and soon we finally finished everything by 1.30pm. She rushed to eat her lunch and we said our goodbyes.

This is the story of a sister that I just knew one month ago, yet has been the lifeboat that I needed to guide me in building my beloved mutarabbis. It was funny how we could all just talk about our tarbiyyah and our background stories so quickly, so honestly with such transparency. A month sure ended fast but it's as though I've known this ukht for more than the 30 days that I have been with her in Ireland.

This is also the story of her BM - the sacrifices she made, the sacrifices her zauj made, the love they have for the ummah and the faith they had in Allah.

Humans are attached to so many things, and Allah endorsed this in the Quran.

Beautified for people is the love of that which they desire - of women and sons, heaped-up sums of gold and silver, fine branded horses, and cattle and tilled land. That is the enjoyment of worldly life, but Allah has with Him the best return.

(Surah al-Imran, 3:14)

This just shows how much we are attached to people, material, pride and prestige. If we defy this tendency of ours, then we're really actually defying ourselves and our nature. But look at the end of the ayah when Allah stated that all these attributes that are beautified for us, that we cling on, are actually just of the worldy life, and that to Him is the best return.

Allah's acknowledgement of our character just shows how much He knows us. With His vast knowledge, He redirects us to an even better reward - Him. Allah nak cerita kat kita, bahawa meskipun segala yang kita kerjakan di dunia, segala yang kita usahakan dan kejar di bumiNya, pengakhiran yang paling baik itu adalah dengan Dia dan bukanlah terletak di dunia.

This particular sister just graduated about 5 months ago, probably got married for only about 3-4 months but her vision for her BM transcended that of what the earth can offer her and her preparations to step-up to the 'game' was not merely out of 'liking' the man she calls her husband now. As I look at her zeal and follow her wisdom, she clearly knows why she's committing to DnT. She's not one of those akhwat that just uses the term ber-BM to make her marriage sound 'usrah-like'. She might be small and petite but her courage and willingness to work with us even though she barely knows anything about us and our adik-adik initially, shames me to the core.

'Kakak ni betul-betul nak buat tujuan hidup dia. Betul-betul cinta dan sayangkan dakwah, betul-betul ikhlas nak menginfaqkan diri.'

She just got married yet she chooses to be with us straining our brains thinking about the best way to sampaikan fikrah and bentuk our little sisters to be the best muslims they can be. She leaves her husband at home (dengan izin beliau) to come for usrah in Lucan, to come all the way to Galway, to listen to all my rants and concerns and to love our adik-adik like her own mutarabbis. She does her duties at home, cooks for her husband, pleases him and dresses up for him, but when she needs to be with us, she delivers her 100% focus and time to attend to the call for jihad.

This kakak, she's just amazing wallahi.

I look at her and I'm ashamed.
Then I remember my murabbi and her zauj.
Double whammy malu tak tahu nak cakap apa dah.

I know she's struggling, both of them are. Segala apa yang telah mereka outline-kan before nikah kini telah datang sebagai ujian buat mereka berdua. It's hard I know, I can see it, I can feel it and to an extent, I can even understand it. Tetapi kerana kejelasan pada matlamat, they are still persevering through. This causes me to reflect on another couple - my murabbi and her zauj. Her story is more of a roller-coaster than the sister I am actively mentioning here. Being married for 8 years already, my murabbi and her zauj has gone through so much I can't even put it into words the amount of lessons I learned from them. And it's not even anything verbal - it's what I observe and what I see from them. Apatah lagi yang dah bertahun-tahun dalam dakwah. T_T

Weyh, BM yg sebenar ni sangat menduga dan penuh dengan cabaran.

But you know what, despite knowing that we'll have to sacrifice ourselves utk dakwah, I believe that this way of marriage really is a sakinah. Sebab kita mendapat sakinah itu daripada Allah atas usaha kita utk terus memilih Dia daripada memilih pasangan kita dan kesenangan hidup. My murabbi and her zauj might not have random holiday trips, they come home late from work, sometimes time together is taken by minding over little Ukashah but you know what, when we found a small birthday card that my murabbi's zauj wrote for her with the words 143, the weight of those words and its immense meaning just resonates within my heart.

It's warm, it's genuine, and it's real.

I know not everybody can do this. Only the people that Allah chooses can truly lift up to the standards of following the teachings of Rasulullah in their marriage. But everyone can try to illustrate Rasulullah's teaching, everyone can work to make themselves be the chosen ones. It's not a piece of cake, and looking at that sister and her zauj just hits me to the core that it's not going to be any easy.

Tapi dalam kesusahan dan dugaan ini ada rahmah, dalam peritnya berkorban ada manis di dalamnya. Imagine coming home to a husband/wife that's trying her best to secure you a place in Jannah. She is using the freedom you give her utk sampaikan dakwah Islam, and he is using his time and energy to bring you to everlasting happiness. At the same time, dua-dua berbakti sbg salah satu komponen masyarakat yg penting dalam profession masing-masing. Coming back probably would just be two tired faces, but the stories and sacrifices shared is just so precious.

Sweet weyh.
Lagi sweet daripada balik to a bed of roses.
Kerja sama-sama nak bangunkan Islam.
Pergh, memang sangat sweet.

True, that there are days when you're not always going to think it's a happy occassion utk menginfaq diri dan pasangan. Some days you'd just be so clingy, or so sentimental and emotional. Bukan petik jari je nak berbahagia dalam beramal dakwi ni. Apatah lagi when the little ones come. T.T

Tapi bersama setiap kesusahan ada kemudahan.

And it's useful to have a partner that reminds you of that, rather than someone that just treats you to fancy dinners hoping it'll cure your sad soul.

Orang yang commitment dia adalah Allah, maka dia akan bahagiakan kita mengikut kerangka yang Allah suruh. Bila kita sama-sama buat macam tu, takkanlah Allah taknak dalamkan lagi perasaan cinta antara kita dan pasangan kita?