I know this blog should be nothing but personal yet it comes to me that I cannot do much rather than elucid raw feelings - those that contain no added ingredients, no edited words.
Alhamdulillah, 2014 has ended and the book of 2015 is presented in front with blank pages eager to be filled.
I must say that I am not celebrating my new year with fireworks or a new year feast, instead I am starting my first paragraph of 2015 with a tale of a never-ending battle raging inside my head. A tale of Haq and Bathil, a tale of Nafs and Syaiton, a tale of dependence and hope in Allah. This will be a near-to-clear depiction of what I am facing recently in the past week and how I believe that there are others around me also going through the same phase and I would apologize early because this post will contain an enormous amount of self-contradictory claims (because we're talking about battles between two forces here) so read under your own discretion.
"To make a decision is easy but to keep it requires more than just wits and strength."
Two weeks ago, I made a strong and determined decision to hold only onto the rope of Allah, to follow what has been written in the Quran and to leave all that will taint the process of me becoming a better person in the name of Allah. And I take this from Surah Al-Imran, verse 103 and Surah Al-Baqarah, verse 208. Alhamdulillah, once I've made that decision, Allah gave me a remarkable feeling - an astounding contentment and peace that shrouded the very steps that I take even if it was painful, even if it was dreadful.
The first week of my winter break became one that I cherish so much of. So much of friendships created, so much 'heart' felt. It was great subhanallah. Then came my second week, a week where I am tested of my words and decision. I was bombarded with not one ill thought but dozens of it. And those thoughts came continuously like bullets fired from a machine gun. They did not only come at my vulnerable moments, they even came when I was reciting the Quran, even when I was trying hard to prostrate in my sujood.
MashaAllah it was terrible.
And I'm still facing it now.
I soon remembered of how Syaiton deceived Adam AS and Hawa to disobey Allah's command in Surah Al-A'raf, 7:11-22. And these are the steps he will use to deceive all mankind as well. Some of these methods could be so explicit they occur right in front of our eyes like the temptation to stare at a 'handsome' dude passing by or could be something subtle like an intention of doing good to show off or an evil thought to commit sin. The latter is so much more dangerous to fight off because of it's intangible nature. It takes more than just looking away from the thought (like what you can do regarding the 'handsome' dude) because literally speaking, how are you able to look away from what's inside your head? It stays stuck there unless some other good thought is able to overpower the desire to do sin. This was my problem.
Surely, it is not enough to just sit down praying for Allah's help. I knew I needed to do something but I was definitely clueless on where to start. I knew the consequences of my actions, I knew what I should do to stop curb the ill thoughts from coming but there's so much confusion going inside my brain that I picture only failure and grey clouds everywhere. I don't know why things are getting so complicated in life. I thought I was facing middle-age crisis. (gelak sikit)
It was raining outside and as the nature of being a traveller (read:musafir), I took my utmost opportunity to ask for Allah's guidance because I was clearly unable to find a sound solution. Then I opened up a recording; one that has been inside my music player for more than three months and listened to it. Unintentionally, my eyes failed me and all the walls covering my ego thinking that I had it handled were torn down in the blink of an eye. I cried. The sister giving the sharing wasn't someone whom I've met before and the sharing wasn't even about La Tahzan, Innallaha ma'ana (Do not be sad, verily Allah is with us). But it hit right through, and at that moment I found light.
Now this might sound that I've found the ultimate solution but really that was still not enough to help my struggle.
What was it that touched me?
"Kenapa kita kena check balik titik tolak kita? Belajar tak pasal bearing? Kalau dah tersasar sikit pada awalnya, lama kelamaan akan tersasar jauh kan?"
"Kenapa tajarrud tuh diletakkan paling awal dalam ciri-ciri dai'e mukmin? Kenapa bukan seni memimpin ummat?"
"Maka untuk tajarrud, penting sangat untuk ada jilsah takaffur tuh, untuk ada time untuk duduk dan beriman sejenak."
"Why do we need to recheck our starting point? Ever learned about bearing (in giving directions)? If we go astray just by a small magnitude initially, sooner or later we'll really get far off right?"
"Why is tajarrud put first on the list of characteristics of a dai'e mukmin? Why not the art of leadership?"
"Therefore, to tajarrud, it is vital to have jilsah takaffur, to have time to sit and have iman (in this content we use the word, reflect) for awhile."
It was an enlightment. Really.
I mean, imagine that you've been stuck in a dark cave only to know that you have enough equipment to make a fire and light your way out. It's just that you're blindfolded by your own fear and that you don't feel that torchlight in your hand as you tremble in pitch black. And subhanallah, with so much dependency, you pray to Allah, helplessly asking that he shows even a glimpse of hope to help you get out of the misery.
Which He then finally gave. A solution which was actually so obvious all along.
Now to pave the way out of the darkness, it requires more than just the knowledge of lighting that fire and using that torchlight to find all the necessary items, it needs courage and patience to step out of our comfort zone and thread the path unknown. And nobody can ever grant that courage or strength to move other than Allah himself, because everyone else is also in that blindfolded state, some groping at the wrong means to help them find the way out.
This is just a spark. Surely there are more suceeding steps that I need to take in this battle. I know you also have to take those steps. Because here in this world, we are against the current. We don't follow the flow. We are against whatever Syaiton and his troops have built.
Because we are the building blocks of an ummah that Allah has promised great power. An ummah that upholds what is righteous and what is against sunnatullah.
Yes, this is an honest piece. A piece I write not to inspire anyone less than myself.
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