All Is Well

Bimillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

25 Safar 1440H
10.41pm
Castlebar

I haven't been writing for ages though so many things have happened in the span of 2 months that I'm back in Ireland. Kisah suka duka stress pecah kepala in DnT, kisah penat tak faham rasa dumb-dumb in studies. Kisah terharu sedih sebak dengan segala tarbiyah yang telah Allah susun utk seorang Sabreena. Kisah pembersihan dan penyucian terhadap niat dan perasaan membina adik-adik takwin.

Kadang-kadang blur dan tak faham bila orang taknak kita bersemangat.

Kadang-kadang blur dan tak faham bila orang down tapi tetap tegar taknak bergerak.

Banyak garu kepala,

Tapi aku yakin, perlu lagi banyak berdoa dan memberi motivasi.

I don't understand many things now. But I know one thing for sure that God does. And so for everytime I feel like vomiting 'fire' out of my mouth, I will remember that the state that I should be in is the calmness of the ocean and the gentle breeze of the wind.

I can only control myself, and at times, I can't even do that.

So dear Allah The Almighty, The Knower of every heart, The All-Seeing, The Knowledgeable. Please heal those souls that I can't mend. Please allow them to find comfort in the pain.

May Allah continue to guide everyone and may we be reunited in Jannah as muttaqeens.

A Day with Dr Brosnan

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

22 Dzulhijjah 1439H
5.30pm
Mayo Medical Academy

I know I haven't been writing for months and I know I have not yet fulfilled my summer break writing lists and I know I am back here already in Castlebar for my final year in medicine and I know I'm here in the academy to study, but before I go on doing anything amazing in my Oxford handbook or lamenting on the guilt I've had for being extra lazy in creating any legitimate posts in my blog for ages, I'd like to share a bit about my day with Dr Brosnan - our only endocrinologist in Mayo General Hospital.

Coming from Kerry originally, I believe Dr Brosnan's family is however staying in the US - or maybe just part of her family - and she has been back in 2008 after 15 years of working in Penang, Malaysia. She caught my attention when I heard from many of our student colleagues that she was an excellent teacher and a brilliant doctor, always eager to teach. The fact that she's an endocrinologist boosted my enthusiasm even more because I've always taken a liking to the long-term care of diabetic patients, treating it as a call to specialise in endocrinology, if not psychiatry or infectious disease (this is a new calling thanks to Dr Holmes, haha). But today, was simply fantastic that I couldn't be more grateful to Allah for the wonderful time I had with her in the clinic up in Ballina.

She lived up to all the expectations people had of her. She was amazing.

Now, I'm not just saying that she's an exceptionally well-trained doctor and that she's super helpful in teaching me loads during the clinic. What makes her such an amazing person is because of the vast knowledge that she has surrounding politics, history, culture and medicine. She follows the political news in Malaysia even after leaving the country for 10 years, and she even knows politics in Pakistan and India, not to mention her in-depth knowledge of Pakistan and India's famous political families - the Bhuttos and Ghandis respectively. I am amazed, shocked and delighted altogether. Being an Irish, she knows her roots really well and whenever we pass by a monument or a monastery or even a river, she sounds like she knows quite a sum of knowledge about these places. Makes you really adore her even more.

Doctors like Dr Brosnan keep me motivated to not only finish my medical study, but also to be a part of the medical profession that contributes wholeheartedly to make a better world - not only for a better Malaysia. How she displays herself to me and Dr Uwais (our Pakistani SHO who also did a tremendous job at finishing clinic today) just shows the magnitude of what knowledge can do to a person. All the good attributes she had - her kindness, her tolerance, her patience and her expert opinion all came from the surplus of knowledge she had about the world and its inhabitants. It makes you an amazing human being, a respectable one, a well-mannered and brilliant individual.

I might be admiring her to the roof now but I really must say that she's a perfect example of what a daie should be. She talks first before we talk, putting out the issues of our home country to become the basis of our conversation. Making intelligent adult-talk and not just trashing people here and there. She brings about her analysis of the things that we are concerned about in our homeland and then allows us to become better colleagues of her as we become more comfortable to talk and work together on the mission at hand - handling diabetics in county Mayo. I don't think you'll ever be bored with Dr Brosnan, she's full of pearls that are waiting to be harvested. She attracts you so much that you're left with an impact strong enough to make you want to do what you have to do better - a medical student, soon to be a doctor.

And imagine if all of us daie were to take her as an example to follow, we'd be amazing at spreading the Deen! I believe that there is so many things that can be learned when you take time to really venture on life, let it be travelling to new places and meeting new people. Becoming a kera sumbang, gets you nowhere. But putting yourself out there to explore the world, and putting all your heart to it will make you become an even more abiding servant to Allah - more motivated to make change, more enthusiastic to work hard.

Now I know what to say to school kids whenever I do meet them to give a talk about furthering their studies and not being a delinquent, also what to talk to akhwat when it comes to excelling your area of study.

Knowledge will make you wise, and you will, without doubt gain respect from it.

So go to college and university to gain knowledge, to be a better person, not just for the sake of getting a job. 

Cultivate yourself to the maximum, you only have one you to work on, so make the best out of this world because God made it for you.

Learn, keep on learning everyday. Empower yourself with knowledge, you WILL be loved.

And finally..

There is, definitely no point in being rich but stupid.

But there is so much wonder in being a wise individual that can shake hearts and plant the seeds of change in others.

With that, I'm heading the books now peeps. Hoping to make a better muslimah out of ma-self rather than being rampantly lazy every now and again.

Bismillahi tawakkal tu ala Allah.

Prove Your Worth

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

12.24pm
26 Syawal 1439 H
Balakong

In another 44 days I will be returning to Ireland inshaAllah. In another 48 days I will be starting my final year in NUIG inshaAllah. And after all that has happened to brought me to where I am today, I seriously cannot believe it - I am entering my last year in Ireland. There is a mixture of feelings thinking about the future days to come, I can't really put my head to it yet, I don't even know what to name it. A sense of melancholy comes in waves when I think about leaving my bumi tarbiyyah, no longer being able to return to it anytime soon. The place where I had my most fond memories and also my most heartbreaking moments. The place where I grew in such an immense magnitude, the place where I started my baby steps as a medical student.

How can I ever not miss you Ireland? My chest feels tight already thinking of the notion.

Also, in another 341 days before I leave my bumi tarbiyah, what have I done for the past 4 years for this land? Was I ever able to appreciate what I had? Was I ever able to kembangkan tarbiyah sebaiknya dibumi ini? Or did I just ruin it and left it in shambles?

That to me, is a far more crucial and painstaking question to answer.

*deep breath in and out*

Just now I saw Kak Wani's Whatsapp status and her words just stabbed me straight into my core,

"Senjata kita cukup banyak, cuma kuasa keikhlasan masih lemah utk capai threshold kemenangan."

*one tear drops*

Hati ni rasa dah makin keras, sekeras-kerasnya.
Ayat Surah al-Hadid terngiang-ngiang di telinga selalu.
Jiwa ini dah rasa makin lemah, selemah-lemahnya.
And here I am telling myself that I am one of the frontliners for Ireland.
Am I actually kidding myself?

But muslims, muslims are not like this. We are the people of Alhamdulillah. We do not fret and have low self-esteem, we should not be. We have God with us at our every step. Though sometimes I am mostly ashamed of my doings, my sins and my misdeeds, I tell myself that if you can't compete with the good-doers for their deeds, the compete with the sinners with their forgiveness. This however said, is no longer a zone I should play around with anymore. I should step up my game, I should fight my evil thoughts, my personal desires and my selfish wants. I am already at a place where I should be serious with what I do, and not tremble at the meagre provocation the people around me feeds me.

I want to come back stronger Rabbi
Making this promise already frightens me, but I have to force myself to do this

Berbaki 341 hari lagi di bumi Ireland (inshaAllah), I have to make my presence worth it
Berbaki 341 hari lagi sebelum segala-galanya berubah untuk seorang Sabreena, I have to change my attitude

*deep breath in and out*

It's been 5 years since I had you dear blog, please continue to be the witness of my growth and progress aite?

Distractions

Reminders

Benefits the believer

Katakanlah (wahai Muhammad): "Jika bapa-bapa kamu, dan anak-anak kamu, dan saudara-saudara kamu, dan isteri-isteri (atau suami-suami) kamu, dan kaum keluarga kamu, dan harta benda yang kamu usahakan, dan perniagaan yang kamu bimbang akan merosot, dan rumah-rumah tempat tinggal yang kamu sukai, - (jika semuanya itu) menjadi perkara-perkara yang kamu cintai lebih daripada Allah dan RasulNya dan (daripada) berjihad untuk agamaNya, maka tunggulah sehingga Allah mendatangkan keputusanNya (azab seksaNya); kerana Allah tidak akan memberi petunjuk kepada orang-orang yang fasik (derhaka)

Future Hubs

As silly as this sound, I promised myself to be honest kan? So here goes..

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

Alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah

I begin my speech with thanks to you for choosing me among the many women that could be your wife

I am full of flaws and I am not perfect in any way possible

I cannot guarantee you anything other than my willingness to try each and everyday of my life to be better, to love you and to care for you, for our family

I will be strong for Allah’s sake because I chose to come into this marriage with a zeal to build a long-lasting one

Filled with barakah, sakinah, mawaddah and rahmah

My CV might not be as great as yours

But my motivation, though it fluctuates, will always be due to my decision to be His loyal slave

And in that, I shall also be loyal to you

(More to come in the future when/if it becomes a reality)

*****

I am not, in any sense, wanting to return to the one that got away

I am, most definitely wanting to proceed with what Allah has planned for me

A plan I chose for myself, a plan I decided with His guidance

*smiles*

I am His first before anyone else

And I believe you are His too 

With that said future hubs,

Let’s be a great team. Be a good leader k?

With love and respect,

Your future wife.

Reminiscing Memories

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

1.01am

20 Syawal 1439H

Balakong

Today is a very touchy, feely day. I haven't reminisced for ages, always caught up with focusing on the future. And that's not me.

Frankly speaking, I've stopped all activities and thoughts of reminiscing because the past hurts a lot. A lot. And because of that I'm not able to enjoy it (reminiscing) to the fullest, I have no one to share it with that can appreciate it the same way I do. The beautiful days pains me, the memories that I revisit would usually cause my chest to tighten and this lump, this heavy feeling surrounds it ever so often. Some songs I can never hear again, some places are so hard to just pass by.

Now, now is the time where I just silence my thoughts. The time where I swallow this huge lump of burden and pray it leaves me after I fall asleep tonight.

I have always been sentimental. I hold memories and people dear to my heart though I'm very bad at catching up with everyone. Caring for people is second nature. I am at my best when I am able to honour these attributes of mine and actively engage with it. However, the events in life - though only a few - has restricted my usage of these qualities, making me shut them away to the very core, turning me into a person that shows less care towards others, even to the ones I love.

You see, loving someone can either make you or break you. It could even do both.

With love, there is loss and the episode of loss that I face last year has robbed me of my ability to write. Pain and sadness brings me to write an endless story of shattered dreams. Happiness, gratefulness, memories, urges me to weave even more words that glorifies God. These two situations are like waves but last year's pain still resonates within me causing my fingers an inability to celebrate the happy episodes of life as I fear that when I indulge in the perks of being happy, my downfall would be too hard to face. I sound like I'm a young brat that's wallowing in her sadness, you'd probably want to slap me and say, "Hey, get over it la dude!"

But truth to be told, it's not always an easy feat. My murabbi tells me to not show my weak side, and ever since then I've been rock cold. I don't like it, to be honest. I don't like it having to hide myself in a shell because of this vulnerability, this fear. I want to love and I want to be happy. I want this ache to go away whenever I see that name, whenever I think about relationships, whenever I pass through malls and stay in car drives. I don't want to lie anymore, not to myself, not to the world.

I am me. 

God made me this way. 

So please dear Lord, let me use my vulnerability and turn it to strength, for You.

"Allah tidak menjadikan seseorang dua hati dalam rongganya.."

(Surah al-Ahzab, 33:4)

Ya Rabb, I can only pray for You to patch up my heart. I think I've devoted myself too much to my own feelings, my own betterment and my own ailments. My wounds are supposed to be for You, my joy is supposed to be with You and my sadness should be because of my ill deeds towards You. Whatever that I'm doing which is not for You, please forgive me for it. Erase the feelings that are unneeded, that are toxic and that are detrimental to my imaan. Let flourish the values and attributes that can make me a better slave of Yours, a better daie, a better daughter and a better sister. And when the day comes, allow me to be someone's better half that will complete half of his Deen. Grant me the strength to support him and the resilience to create a house full of abiding little muslims.

Ya Rabb, I am lost without You. Please don't ever leave me.

Always lost, yet always found by God,

Sabr.

Ramadhan Diaries: Pengislahan and Puffy Eyes

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

2.35am
15 Ramadhan 1439H
Balakong

Alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah. Finally, after 15 days of Ramadhan has passed and after almost one month of summer break, I am finally here on this favourite canvas of mine. So many events have passed - personally or nationally - since the last time I penned anything down in this blog of mine. I finished my final exams last month, PRU14 passed with the government changing, the start of another beautiful Ramadhan, my return to Malaysia and the beginning of my electives in UM.

Oh and not to mention the legalisation of abortion in Ireland. That'll be a change in medical practices soon in the country I study.

Anyhow, in this blessed month of Ramadhan, I hope everyone is not excited for me to write anything inspirational because I'm not planning on doing so (haha). Well, instead this will be just raw material of what I'm going through right now. It's a tough, tough time battling to protect your imaan and I'd like to say it's like a walk in the park but apparently it's not as easy as it sounds like - not even for me. And eventhough the shaytaan are chained and they are nowhere to be seen whispering evil deeds to you but the mark they left for the past 11 months beforehand are imprinted real good. It's saddening because I thought I came prepared for Ramadhan this year but alas, Allah knows best. Even this disheartening moment for me is an episode in Allah's tarbiyah for myself - to teach me of my weakness and His ultimate Power.

And I know I'm going to be 24 soon but that age is just too much for me to change to become someone that I am not. I understand that with the coming age, comes more accountability - not only because of the age itself - but also with the many knowledge I have obtained, the responsibilities I am shouldering now and to come, as well as the expansion of my duty as a muslim. Bukan lagi hanya diri kau yang perlu kau fikirkan Sabreena, bahkan jauh lagi ramai orang memerlukan kebaikan kau.

Akhir kalam, I'm not having puffy eyes because I was crying. I just slept too much. Nak kata betapa mengikut khutuwat shaytan lahai (please jangan salahkan jetlag dah k wahai diri haha).

I'm nowhere near to writing like an intellectual, mature and well-versed adult but I'm getting there. And I don't write to impress, sorry. Though it would be smart for me to comment on current issues and relay my stand on several topics, I don't like having my story shared and publicized the wrong way. I will speak my own voice in my own way, and I will be who I always am to others what I am to myself.

Honest and kind.

Thank you for the wait to whoever that waits for my writing. I am blessed to have you pray for my comeback. Now pray that I end up to be a human that benefits the world - I am by far God's wakeel in this worldly life. Pray that I do a good job at least - aha.

May the next few days of Ramadhan left brings us closer to Him.

Ameen.
:)