25. A New Phase of Life.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

18 Zulhijjah 1440H
1.48am
Balakong

It's been more than 2 months since I've safely landed in my homeland and as always, procrastination will be at its best when you're bombarded with a list of things to do and get done. I've been keeping myself away from posting anything to commemorate the end of my medical studies, my graduation and my return to Malaysia because I didn't want to sound cliche. That was what I was thinking. Or maybe, it was just denial that I've ended that part of my life journey and will soon be stepping on a new boat. Sailing new waves with a new crew, a new partner-come-captain-come-comrade.

I don't know for sure. But alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah for it all.

I've never thought that 5 years would go by in a blink of an eye.
I keep on saying it to other people, but here I am thinking back on how much I've progressed in life that it seems truly amazing that I am standing where I am now.

I've never thought that I would live long enough to be 25 years old.
After KMB ended, every year was a year that I didn't know what to anticipate any longer because all those childhood dreams have become a reality. And now I'm Dr Sabreena. (Okay that literally sent chills down my spine)

I've never thought that I would naik tangga like in less than 3 weeks now.
I always thought that it would be longer, and that I would have more time to get myself prepared but heave-ho, it's getting closer and closer.

I can't believe I'm done with Ireland, and I can't believe that I'm missing it so much.

Langit yang dirindukan

Subhanallah, walhamdulillah, wa astaghfirullah. The more I think about it, I feel like a sense of warmth overflowing within me, and I miss this feeling. Probably because I haven't been writing for so long, the gratitude juices that used to just run in my veins went missing.

Alhamdulillah Ya Rabb. 

For everything that You've beautifully crafted for me.

Alhamdulillah for my parents that have endlessly prayed for me and supported my studies.

Alhamdulillah for my grandparents, uncles and aunties - that despite their honest and direct 'comments' have always been there to help my family at all times and pray for their most 'annoying' granddaughter/niece

Alhamdulillah for my sisters, my akhwats that have showered me with love and du'a and food, tears and laughter, and a whole load of things to think and figure out

Alhamdulillah for my murabbi, that might never know how much I truly love and look up to her

Alhamdulillah for my batchmates and their immense help on study tips, past paper answers and notes

Alhamdulillah for my lecturers, consultants, tutors and interns - I miss them so, especially all the interns that were so kind to listen to my amateur history taking

Alhamdulillah for Dublin Bus, for GOBus, for Ryanair, for Irish Rail- for all the travels we had on buses, cars, trains and airplanes

Alhamdulillah for the nights we slept at the airport, the days we were stranded with nowhere to go, the mosques we visited, the kindness of strangers and the mocking of haters

Alhamdulillah for Dublin, Galway, Castlebar, Essex, London, Southampton, Newcastle, Glasgow, Cork and Belfast

Alhamdulillah for the opportunity to set foot in Ireland and UK, and to experience what it was berada di bumi bukan Islam namun masih hidup dibawah bayangan al-Quran, sentiasa dibawah jagaan Allah

I finished my journey in Ireland, and now I'm back into reality.

Reality Malaysia.

Where my time, energy and thoughts will be ultimately tested. Untuk bersama Allah atau bersama arus dunia. Untuk memilih keimanan atau al-Hawa'.

It's very scary. And I'm terrified.

But however it may sound like, the fact that I am here means that Allah knows this is where I belong. And with full trust in Him, with the huge love I have for Him, I will be okay.

I will be okay because the Love of my life is planning my life. He won't leave me be.

Ya Rabb, this new phase of life will truly test my faith towards You. Throughout it all, please keep me strong on Your path.

"Ihdinassiratal mustaqim... Ihdinassiratal mustaqim.."

Berkorban Itu Kunci Kemenangan

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

16 Syaaban 1440H
11.20pm
Galway

"Apakah manusia mengira bahawa mereka akan dibiarkan hanya dengan mengatakan 'Kami telah beriman,' dan mereka tidak diuji?"

(Surah al-Ankabut, 29:2)

"Apakah kamu mengira bahwa kamu akan masuk syurga, padahal belum nyata bagi Allah orang-orang yang berjihad di antara kamu, dan belum nyata orang-orang yang sabar."

(Surah ali-Imran, 3:142)

Credits: Amalina Halim

More than one week has passed since my final exams ended. And 2 days has passed since we ended our 1-week daurah with Ustaz Kamaru Salam (he writes books and they're amazing subhanallah). Time has gone by so quickly, it almost feels like a dream having back-to-back pengisian with ustaz - from UK to Ireland.

Daurah diri sendiri yang terakhir di UKE.

*sniff*
Sebak pulak tetiba.

I had an endless string of words planned to be typed down in this canvas earlier this morning, but now - as usual - I seem to be stunned in front of the computer. Maybe it's because of this melancholic BGM that I'm playing on my earphone, makes me want to cry over the rapid movement of time.

Whenever I want to write about dakwah, a small part of me says that I don't have the capacity and the capability to come up with a good piece that can be of any justice to Dakwah and Tarbiyah. I look at myself as the most lowly of creature to be able to bask in Allah's Glory everyday - bersama Quran, bersama Islam. Tak layak, sungguh tak layak. I am a sinful human being, yet Allah still choose me day in and day out untuk melaksanakan tugas sebagai 'manusia'; as His 'abid and caliph.

For the fact that this piece is to commemorate and reflect on bahan-bahan yang dapat waktu daurah lepas, I can't help but feel anxious about it. I can never write as freely as I like to anymore, and not that I mind about it to be honest. I want to make sure that my words will be able to paint an imagery, an understanding, a memory, that can be etched deep within those that read my post - especially myself. Moga Allah benarkan niat yang baik, buang niat yang buruk dan sertakan barakah dalam tulisan kali ini.

**

First and foremost, I will start by listing down the topics that I had gone through. Ustaz just went through them briefly, ensuring that we get the gist of every topic without causing us to drown in the technicalities of each.

- Tadabbur Surah at-Taubah, 9:38-59
- Dzatiyah Dakwiyah
- Fikrah Islamiyah Kita
- Fikrah VS Ilmu
- Tafsir Surah An-Nas, Surah Al-Fiil, Surah Al-Kafirun
- Mabadi' Tadris Ulum Diiniyah: Muhibb
- Usul 20: Usul 1-10
- Golongan yang Tercicir
- MR: Kearah Mana Kita Menyeru Manusia

Now that I've listed them all down, it sure looks like an amazing list indeed. Seolah Allah memberi barakah kepada masa dan usaha kami dalam duduk-duduk kali ini. We were even able to go to a carboot sale and have breakfast together at Cafe Nero in between. MashaAllah, subhanallah.

And the pengisian that hit me the most was the tadabbur from Surah at-Taubah. After having to go through weeks and months of 'kekeringan', ada juga timbul a small hint of heaviness untuk terus ke daurah kali ni right after we finished our exam - like literally. That being said, however, kata-kata Allah dalam Surah as-Syarh kept reminding me that I shouldn't.

"Kemudian apabila kamu sudah selesai (daripada sesuatu amal soleh), maka bersungguh-sungguhlah engkau berusaha (mengerjakan amal soleh yang lain)."

(Surah as-Syarh, 94:7)

So I packed my bags dalam keadaan perut sakit memulas-mulas and went to the airport on Friday, 12th April for my flight to Southampton with full faith that Allah knows best. I needed to bersusah sikit, been having usrah online for such a long time until I forgot the sweetness of mujahadah. The next day, with F (my beloved mutarabbi), we boarded a train from Southampton heading to Nottingham at 5am in the morning. It was my first short jaulah after so long being coped inside my home in Galway. It was refreshing subhanallah.

We had our daurah this time around at Nottingham Central Mosque for 4 days straight and we spent our nights sleeping in the masjid. I enjoyed my time there very much and I think my adik-adik have grown so much to see them able to handle many of the things themselves. Though there's still room for improvement, I am very proud of their progress. Macam ni la eh rupanya perasaan murabbi melihat adik-adik dibawahnya membesar sedikit demi sedikit, seperti bahagianya Rasulullah melihat para sahabatnya makin mendalam keimanannya kepada Allah dan Rasul. The happiness is indescribable really.

"...Demikianlah sifat mereka yang tersebut di dalam Kitab Taurat; dan sifat mereka di dalam Kita Injil pula ialah sebagai pokok tanaman yang mengeluarkan anak tunasnya, lalu anak tunasnya itu menyubur, sehingga ia menjadi kuat lalu ia tegap berdiri di atas (pangkal) batangnya dengan keadaan yang mengkagumkan orang-orang yang menanamnya..."

(Surah al-Fath, 48:29)

Going back to the tadabbur of Surah at-Taubah verses 38-59, ayat-ayat yang terkandung dalam surah tu mempunyai peringatan yang kuat kepada orang beriman yang lambat mahu menyambut seruan untuk berjihad walaupun mereka sudah sedia maklum tentang keperluan untuk menyahut seruan tersebut. Since the surah is a Madani surah, it shows that the teachings brought in this collection of ayahs are related to an established muslim community in Madinah. Once dapat this tadabbur, terus rasa macam, "This is it. There's no need to continue anything else. This is the hit, the reminder to wake me up from my deep slumber and paralysis." To describe the whole teaching of the ayahs would be very lengthy here but in a nutshell, it was a huge slap in the face for me. Persoalan yang Allah petik dalam ayat 38 was like a sarcastic question, yet a humbling one seolah-olah nak tanya, "Eh bukan ke kau orang beriman, kenapa masih lagi berat nak berjuang?" Then ayat-ayat susulan selepas tu were all like raining comets and meteors kepada hati seorang Sabr. Kalau tak nak jugak berjihad, Allah akan azab dan Allah akan gantikan kamu dengan yang lain.

Gantikan. Dengan. Yang lain.

Allah dah tak nak kat aku?
Allah dah tak nak pilih aku?

That hit the jackpot. I cannot live without Allah, I don't want to, and I simply can't.

My life without Islam will be nothing. If my identity as a muslim is stripped away from me, what do I have left?

If I didn't want that to happen, then the only option is untuk bangun dan berjihad. Bangun dan menapak hari-hari yang akan mendatang.

"Pergilah kamu beramai-ramai (berjihad di jalan Allah), sama ada dalam keadaan ringan atau dalam keadaan berat; dan berjihadlah dengan harta dan jiwa kamu pada jalan Allah. Yang demikian amatlah baik bagi kamu jika kamu mengetahui."

(Surah at-Taubah, 9:41)

Ayat paling koman dapat bila rasa berat nak pergi daurah zaman KMB dulu. Akhwat akan selalu share, reflect and tadabbur on this ayat. Ayat yang akan selalu terpacul dari mulut bila nak ingatkan adik-adik untuk turun pergi daurah dan buat dakwah.

But when ustaz went through this ayah, it was as though I have never heard it before.

Seruan infiru.

Seperti seruan untuk bernafas dengan nafas yang baru.

I found it. I got it.

Ya Allah, it's as though You've rescued me from the sea of slumber that I'm drowning in. I am reminded of my purpose again, the sole reason why I'm here in this world, the reason why I battled my heartbreak 2 years ago and sacrificed my feelings, destroying any desire left I have for what I thought was mine. It was for You. Only for You.

And the past 8 days acted as the best remedy to jump-start my already dead heart. Macam kena cardiac defibrillation after a VFib (lols lawak medic sangat).

Untuk dakwah menang, perlu ada pengorbanan.

Seperti mana Rasulullah berkorban for 23 years once baginda dapat wahyu.

"Sudah berlalu masa tidurku," kata baginda.

Sebagaimana para sahabat sanggup melalui kepayahan meninggalkan kesenangan dunia, keselesaan bersama suami-isteri dan anak-anak, 

Sebagaimana para ulama', para daie zaman berzaman yang keluar daripada norma masyarakat yang hanyut dalam nikmat dunia.

Dakwah kat overseas dulu pernah subur sangat-sangat

UK,

Ireland,

US,

Canada,

Russia,

Germany,

France,

Jepun,

Korea,

China,

Mesir,

Jordan,

New Zealand,

Australia,

Semua ada rijal-rijal mereka tersendiri.

Ikhwat, akhwat yang sangat ikhlas pada dakwah ini, berusaha betul-betul untuk menjaga syiar Islam.

Kini, walau mereka sudah tiada dan walau cahaya Islam pada pelajar muslim Malaysia makin malap,

Aku yakin

Dengan sepenuhnya

Bahawa ia hanya gerhana

Bukan terbenamnya matahari.

There'll be a day where Islam will merge victorious again.

Where the muslim youth will rise forth, dengan penuh izzah dan bangga terhadap deen yang dibawanya.

Permulaan dakwah overseas lahir daripada keikhlasan dan kesungguhan seorang murabbi

Yang tidak kenal erti putus asa

Yang hubungannya kuat dengan Allah

Yang tawakkal hebat
Yang usahanya tidak kenal penat lelah

Walaupun tak pernah merasai zaman agung dakwah overseas yang subur itu

I've learned so, so much

And with the time left

I will do my best to not disappoint Allah, and ensure that the opportunity He gave me will be used to the max

To many more days with gerabak dakwah dan tarbiyah

Happy days, sad days, colourful days, gloomy days

And especially,

Days with Allah.

It’s 2019

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

20 Jamadil Akhir

12.25am

Galway

It’s almost two months down the line since 2019. And I haven’t written a new year resolution, nor have I made a fancy post to commemorate the beginning of this semester. Alas, I’m im my final semester of medical school. With all the craziness that has happened, now that I think of it, I can’t believe it’s 2019. I can’t believe that it’s been almost 5 years since I came to Ireland. Allahuakbar, it’s only with God’s doing that I’m here today.

I’ve loads to write. I really do. 

From Ammar’s recovery, to my mock long case.

To my exams in another 23 days.

And ramadhan is just around the corner weehuu subhanallah.

This year is going to be pretty life-changing. And throughout it all, I had and will always have, Allah by my side every step of the way.

It feels amazing hidup dibawah bayangan al-Quran, hidup bersama Allah dan hidup melaksanakan my two main purpose of life. I wouldn’t change a thing, because He painted it to be so colourful and beautiful. 

I am blessed so much.

Truly.

Alhamdulillah.

And I pray everyone will be too as well.

*senyum*

Nothing Stays Constant

I’m here, back home in Malaysia.

I’ve written a whole draft of words but silly me for pressing the clear button and losing them all. Macam tu kot apabila segala amal hilang menjadi debu apabila tidak diniatkan kerana Allah.

***

I saw Ammar today. I cried. Real bad.

Trying to cover it, initially I went through all his medical adjuncts - his Tazocin drip, his feeding tube, his vitals monitor. I read through the nurses handover sheet and understood well what it meant describing his traumatic brain injury and the management they have given him so far. I cried terribly while reading it. Twas my first time seeing a GCS of 7 and to have it recorded in my brother’s own passover sheet - it was heartbreaking.

His eyes were open when I met him though I’m not sure if he recognises me. And although he could only smirk and grunt and cough, it felt as though we were having a conversation - him telling me that he hates it being here and that he wants to give the Camry driver a piece of his mind. Him telling me that it’s annoying having to be so chesty and phlegmy. There might also be a slight hint of him being afraid and agitated, as though the incident on that dreadful day was being relived again in his mind. Both his arms were restrained on the wrist as he can become pretty confused at times, so that he doesn’t fall and put extra injury on himself. 

I saw him. And that’s all that matters.

As I lay lying on the sofa in arwah maktok’s clothes and kain batik (after one whole day of KLIA-hospital-Hartamas-home), it seems as though Allah is teaching me a huge lesson of growing up every year since the start of my entrance into medical school. Arwah maktok, Bu, my previous flame, Ammar. All the events were dispersed from first year to final year. 

Qadrullah. Qadrullah yang menundukkan dan menguatkan.

I’m glad Dad is so calm, always reminding us that this is all in Allah’s plans

Kun fayakun, if He wants to make it be, it’ll be

Mummy tries so hard to keep herself steady, her stern face covering her constant worry for her second child

She would change places with him if she could, but alas, she can’t 

This test

Brought us closer as a family

Brought us closer to Allah

And despite such difficulties 

We are humbled by Your kindness Ya Allah 

For letting our beloved live so that we can still see him, talk to him and touch him till today

Allah,

Nothing is the same anymore

Nothing stays the same

Ammar, he’s never going to be the same

I know it

It’s sunnatullah

It’s the laws of the world You placed in

I’ve known that

The people in my life

Have all come and go

And I know too

Eventually it’ll be like that for me as well

Dan firmanNya, (2:155-157)

وَلَنَبْلُوَنَّكُم بِشَيْءٍ مِّنَ الْخَوْفِ وَالْجُوعِ وَنَقْصٍ مِّنَ الْأَمْوَالِ وَالْأَنفُسِ وَالثَّمَرَاتِ ۗ وَبَشِّرِ الصَّابِرِينَ

Demi sesungguhnya! Kami akan menguji kamu dengan sedikit perasaan takut (kepada musuh) dan (dengan merasai) kelaparan, dan (dengan berlakunya) kekurangan dari harta benda dan jiwa serta hasil tanaman. Dan berilah khabar gembira kepada orang-orang yang sabar:

الَّذِينَ إِذَا أَصَابَتْهُم مُّصِيبَةٌ قَالُوا إِنَّا لِلَّهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ

(Iaitu) orang-orang yang apabila mereka ditimpa oleh sesuatu kesusahan, mereka berkata: "Sesungguhnya kami adalah kepunyaan Allah dan kepada Allah jualah kami kembali."

أُولَٰئِكَ عَلَيْهِمْ صَلَوَاتٌ مِّن رَّبِّهِمْ وَرَحْمَةٌ ۖ وَأُولَٰئِكَ هُمُ الْمُهْتَدُونَ

Mereka itu ialah orang-orang yang dilimpahi dengan berbagai-bagai kebaikan dari Tuhan mereka serta rahmatNya; dan mereka itulah orang-orang yang dapat petunjuk hidayahNya.

Ia adalah kebaikan

Semua yg Kau beri adalah kebaikan

I believe in Your plans Ya Allah

I believe that You’ll make Ammar a better man

I believe in the miracles that You make

And I believe You’ll bring justice to these kids and to those treacherous drivers that have murdered one innocent girl

Alhamdulillah wa astaghfirullah 

Subhanallah wabihamdihi

Peliharalah kami Ya Allah

Moga kami berusaha dalam batasMu, dan moga kami tidak tergolong dalam mereka yang menzalimi hakMu dan hak hamba-hambaMu

Kak Ejat

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

9 Rabiul 'Awal 1440H
3.42pm
Dublin Mosque

Today is the last evening Kak Ejat will be spending in Dublin and it is thus the last time we'll be seeing here in this country. Esok Kak Ejat akan BFG, an ordeal that was delayed for her for more than a year as she had to struggle through so many hurdles Allah planned for her. Writing this I feel a pang of sadness as I remember the beginning of our friendship, our sisterhood and our everlasting bonding fillah.

The first time I met Kak Ejat was in Uxbridge, it was just an instant meet-up and I never did catch anything about herself other than a glance of how she looked like. She was in her third year and I was still young and fresh, just a few months coming to this foreign land. She was my saviour during that Spring Camp in 2015 when her wrap-up for our daurah was the best pengisian there was in a place that I felt so disconnected to the fikrah Islam that I am so proud of.

With her leaving the country, South Circular Road has become even lonelier. I have said goodbye to Kak Fikah two years ago, my PMC-mates, Zumaro, the sisters that I love and respect all over Ireland. Seeing this place that has always become my refuge since first year, bit by bit lose its inhabitants that made it so special, I do feel very sad and lonely.

Macam ni kot perasaan ustaz when he walks down memory lane, replaying all his videos of the ikhwahs he met in Ireland. All the mutarabbis he had in UKE. And as he remember each and every one of their names, they might not want to even remember their time with tarbiyyah.

It's a sad melancholy feeling.
Rasa sayu.
Rasa rindu.

Kak Ejat will be leaving the country. And with her leaving, being a final year medical student, being kakak (undergrad) paling tua yang membawa liqa' di bumi UKE is finally sinking in. Reality strikes, and it's time to grow up.

Kak Ejat will always have a soft spot in my heart - how she smiles and make jokes, how we share our funny 'Mat Sabu' moments, how she can be very serious in planning our DnT and all her wise words and advice for me. I'll definitely miss you Kak Ejat, as how I will always miss Kak Wani, Kak Yaya, Kak Mina and Kak Fikah. Uhibbukifillah ukhti, may Allah protect you always and keep you in this path lillahi ta'ala.

Jangan tenggelam tau kak! Timbul, bahkan berenanglah~

Futur

Sedih.

Kerja menangis je malam ni.

Sebab rasa jauh sgt dgn kekasih hati, rasa jauh sgt dgn Tuhan yg memegang nyawa di tanganNya.

Sedih.

Kerja menangis tak henti.

Sebab rasa rindu dgn perasaan akrab waktu dahi sujud ke tanah dalam setiap solat lima waktu.

Sedih.

Kerja menangis je mengimbau kembali.

Semua kenangan yg telah Allah bagi, kemanisan iman yg Allah anugerahkan.

Sedih.

Sebab futur,

Sebab jauh,

Sebab jatuh.

Mohon doakan seorang Sabreena agar mampu kembali dgn hati yg bersih dan jernih. Sebab kita tak tahu kan, bila ajal kan menjemput.

#tazkiyahseorangsabr

All Is Well

Bimillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

25 Safar 1440H
10.41pm
Castlebar

I haven't been writing for ages though so many things have happened in the span of 2 months that I'm back in Ireland. Kisah suka duka stress pecah kepala in DnT, kisah penat tak faham rasa dumb-dumb in studies. Kisah terharu sedih sebak dengan segala tarbiyah yang telah Allah susun utk seorang Sabreena. Kisah pembersihan dan penyucian terhadap niat dan perasaan membina adik-adik takwin.

Kadang-kadang blur dan tak faham bila orang taknak kita bersemangat.

Kadang-kadang blur dan tak faham bila orang down tapi tetap tegar taknak bergerak.

Banyak garu kepala,

Tapi aku yakin, perlu lagi banyak berdoa dan memberi motivasi.

I don't understand many things now. But I know one thing for sure that God does. And so for everytime I feel like vomiting 'fire' out of my mouth, I will remember that the state that I should be in is the calmness of the ocean and the gentle breeze of the wind.

I can only control myself, and at times, I can't even do that.

So dear Allah The Almighty, The Knower of every heart, The All-Seeing, The Knowledgeable. Please heal those souls that I can't mend. Please allow them to find comfort in the pain.

May Allah continue to guide everyone and may we be reunited in Jannah as muttaqeens.