Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
Today marks the end of my OSCE for this semester. Being a third year medical student is of course never easy than the years before. And for the exams this semester, doubt shrouds me almost everyday at every time, sometimes causing me to just limp over my lecture notes fighting the urge to sleep. This, is just a fragment of the many struggles being a medical student. I cannot fathom the multitude of challenges when I start to enter my clinical years, what more life as a doctor.
Both me and my housemate were scheduled to have our OSCE session at 8.00am in the morning. We had to get up early before fajr prayers and this wasn't much of a difficulty owing it to quite a sleepless night waking almost every hour starting from 3 am. All of us were anxious for our OSCEs, we practiced all the physical examinations outlined in our course, looked at multiple ECG strips again and again, listened to countless repetitions of heart sounds and practiced interviewing each other for our history taking station. We reached the Comerford building on time, and luckily knew the stations we were to be examined before getting in the circuit. The feeling of syukr was clearly seen on our faces as we tried to revise back again each of the steps needed to go through the stations. However, no matter how many times we went through the steps, I still felt anxious - a rope tugging at my tummy, my heart fairly having palpitations. Then, we were told that the exam will start later at 8.30am because one of the examiners was running late. Relieved but still anxious; the anxiety never really left.
Soon afterwards, all of us were placed in our respective stations and I was already starting to do the DR examination on a mannequin, the examiner ushering me to get it done as swiftly as possible. Two procedural skills station down and I'm off for a rest station. Next was a spot diagnosis station, two physical examination stations, heart murmurs, another rest station, history taking, EBM with Gloria and finally a rest station. I can say that I was quite disappointed with all the stations afterwards except the one with Gloria.
'I should've done better.'
'Why didn't I remember that it was the Temporalis muscle?'
'Allahu, I was supposed to ask the patient to smile and clench his teeth. GI pulak.. Haishhh.'
'Should've gotten the heart murmurs down properly yesterday'
Doubt, doubt and more doubt. I was scared that I completely screwed up my OSCEs and this was supposed to be the time for me to fly through stations and gain as much marks as I can - because the SAQ and MCQ will not be any easier than this part of the course. Sunnatullah. Uhu.
[insert picture of a fainting person]
Despite me thinking about all of the ways my failure would be manifested, I remembered what Ilyani told me - over and over again since yesterday, "Semuanya Allah dah tetapkan untuk kita. Kita hanya perlu tabah menjalani takdir Tuhan dengan sebaiknya." She's right anyway, Allah has it all written; the results, my effort, how the examiners would mark me, everything as already destined. I did my best already, it's done and finished. Allah granted me the opportunity to strive the best I could and now, it's in the past - the OSCEs and everything in between. And the examiners were so thoughtful in making sure that we weren't in anyway pressured. I know by far that I did make several mistakes, but never did they stop probing me to gain some answers and perspective towards my actions, hinting on what I missed and should be doing. Yet, because of the lacking I had, I couldn't get the answers elicited during the stipulated duration, finding myself to regret at my rest stations.
This situation reminded me of this world. Actually, the final exams reminded me of this world - its nature and its significance towards the life of a slave.
Exams are only done for a limited amount of time, with the duration lasting from a few minutes to a few hours only for each paper/subject/OSCE station/etc. And after the time ends, our answer sheets will be given to our specific lecturers to be marked and given a grade. This grade will then be released at a specific time and everybody will know how they did at that time. Some people will get good grades, some will not. Some will tell everybody about, some will keep it hidden. Some will be happy, some will be disappointed. Some will wish they did better, some are satisfied with the results they received.
This world is a place for that kind of exam for us humans. Everyday we are tested, formally or not formally, to make a decision on how to react and act or which answer to circle on that MCQ paper. A conclusion must be made and actions must be taken, this in return, will lead to desirable results or something disadvantageous instead. Such results can either make us squeal in happiness or weeping tears of sadness. Like it or not, this world is made like that to be, and Allah - in His Divine Knowledge and Mercy, is allowing us the choice and chance to choose for ourselves, good or bad. However, a fact most humans limit themselves to is the fact that you will get the outcome for the actions done in life only in this world. We forget ever so often that this world has a nature of being temporary and we have the afterlife; the Day of Judgement that will be our 'graduation day' in which all our effort, results, and decisions will be displayed for the world to see. On that day, some people will rejoice over the fact that they made the right choices, following what Allah has decreed in the Quran to be followed by His slaves.
The ones who have believed, emigrated and striven in the cause of Allah with their wealth and their lives are greater in rank in the sight of Allah . And it is those who are the attainers [of success].Their Lord gives them good tidings of mercy from Him and approval and of gardens for them wherein is enduring pleasure.
(At-Taubah: 20-21)
And there will also be those whom will be far more disappointed in themselves for taking the wrong turn in life and not choosing to follow Allah's words.
And those who disbelieved will be driven to Hell in groups until, when they reach it, its gates are opened and its keepers will say, "Did there not come to you messengers from yourselves, reciting to you the verses of your Lord and warning you of the meeting of this Day of yours?" They will say, "Yes, but the word of punishment has come into effect upon the disbelievers.
(Az-Zumar: 71)
Scary? Very much scary than Trump being President of USA definitely.
On another perspective, Allah is actually just teaching us to believe and trust in His ordeals. He just wants us to trust that He knows what is best, that He does acknowledge our struggle and that He's actually got things pretty cleared out for us from the day we were born till the day we breathe our last breath. And Allah, is not one to go against His words.
ادْعُوا اللَّهَ وَأَنْتُمْ مُوقِنُونَ بِالإِجَابَةِ وَاعْلَمُوا أَنَّ اللَّهَ لاَ يَسْتَجِيبُ دُعَاءً مِنْ قَلْبٍ غَافِلٍ لاَهٍ
“Berdoalah kepada Allah dalam keadaan yakin akan dikabulkan, dan ketahuilah bahawa Allah tidak mengabulkan doa dari hati yang lalai.”
(Hadis Riwayat At-Tirmidzi no.3479, hasan)
The Prophet (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said, “Allah the Most High said, ‘I am as My servant thinks (expects) I am. I am with him when he mentions Me. If he mentions Me to himself, I mention him to Myself; and if he mentions Me in an assembly, I mention him in an assembly greater than it. If he draws near to Me a hand’s length, I draw near to him an arm’s length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed.’”
[Sahih Al-Bukhari]As always, we will definitely be tested again and again - probably because of the same mistakes we've made, probably to an even higher degree we've never really imagine we could withstand. As an a'bid we transgress so many times. We forget and we commit to those mistakes again, forgetting the promise we made to Allah never to repeat the wrongs we've done. And yet, He never really gave up on us no? In fact, He gives us comfort for the many times we fall, for the many worries we have and for the many doubts in our life.
Say, "O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah . Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful."
(Az-Zumar: 53)And really, what much of a right do we have to be giving up on ourselves just because of our own weakness, when He says that He will definitely grant us goodness?Astaghfirullahalazim. May Allah remind and protect us all.
P.S: Two more papers to go inshaAllah. All the best third meds!
