A Perception on Arrogance

Mungkin sahaja yang sombong itu aku dan bukan mereka
Mungkin sahaja yang enggan mahu menundukkan ego dalam menuntut ilmu itu adalah kesalahan aku dan bukan kekurangan mereka
Mungkin sahaja aku yang takut, malu dan perasan bagus


Adab-adab menuntut ilmu ni sama sangat dengan adab-adab berdoa dengan Allah

Sebab kita tak tahu banyak sangat benda, dan kalau bukan kerana guru yang mengajar memang selama-lamanya akan kekal dungu
Dan kalau bukan kerana Tuhan mengizinkan doa itu termakbul, mengizinkan hati untuk menerima, sampai kesudah hati akan dilanda gundah tanpa tenteram

"Dan janganlah engkau berjalan di bumi dengan berlagak sombong, kerana sesungguhnya engkau tidak akan dapat menembusi bumi, dan engkau tidak akan dapat menyamai setinggi gunung-ganang."

(Al-Isra':37)

You cannot change people, but you can change your respond to them

Dan hakikatnya, manusia ni is not all bad right?

Sebab kita semua berasal daripada tempat yang suci dan bersih initially

:)

Learning

1.11pm
3 February 2017
Path Lab CSI
Galway, Ireland

Jumaah barakah! Another week about to end, another week filled with exciting adventures - and probably some that is not so favoured of. Haha. I'm finding the Path Lab to be such a therapeutic place to read, write and just relax despite this place being the student study area, and I am typing on a PC that is has quite a large screen for people to peek in on my writing. Oh well, this post will be up for public anyways so it doesn't make a difference does it. ;)

So far today has been quite fruitful. I woke up pretty early and was already at the hospital at 7.10am in the morning. Went for ward rounds with the team twice and went over to speak to one patient up for surgery this afternoon with the Final Meds - they were very nice to let me tag along with them. Dozed off for quite some time at GI Cancer MDM because I couldn't really understand much of the staging and pathology as they go through the cases really quick. Got a hearing from an SpR to study more on the structure, blood supply and the pathology surrounding gallbladders. Learned how to insert a cannula from one of the interns, failing so miserably to get into a vein (I will try and succeed next time inshaAllah!). And now, there's the Grand Rounds hold up in the Large Lecture Theatre though I'd say that I might be going quite late because I'd rather finish my Kahfi for today instead.

All in all, one of the most important things that I've learned today is to introduce yourself and speak to people properly. I found out that what Prof Cormican continuously reminded us off in the one year he was nagging to us in class really, really made perfect sense in the clinical setting.

Not only that, such manners and humbleness are mentioned even in the Quran.

And do not turn your cheek [in contempt] toward people and do not walk through the earth exultantly. Indeed, Allah does not like everyone self-deluded and boastful.     (Surah Luqman: 18)

Being nice, polite and humble really pays off in this world as people would definitely help you out. And if we keep on doing it for the sake of Allah, who knows what benefits we will get for it in Jannah!

The nurses were so kind as to give us a spot to practice our cannulation, the intern was even nicer because she noticed us and decided to teach us how to do it. The SpR eventhough he looked cross with us, eventually gave out the answers and thought us about the Triangle of Callot, bile duct obstruction, etc, etc. And all that began was to be humble and introduce ourselves as third meds, not be boastful as though people should be the one entertaining us.

I'm excited to see how today unfolds because behind all the scolding and embarrassment, you do learn alot. And in it indeed is a form of motivation to study better.

Doakan kami disini!

Toast, Toast and More Toast

1.24pm
2 Februari 2017
Path Lab CSI
Galway, Ireland

Minggu ni Tuhan benar-benar ingin menyedarkan aku bahawa makanan tidak akan mampu membahagiakan aku tatkala kesedihan. Today is my first day on the GI surgical team and it has been mostly of toasts, water and 'go have some tea' kind of day so far. Daripada hari Isnin sehinggalah hari Khamis, Allah telah mentakdirkan diri ini untuk terus menerus mendapat rezeki berupa hidangan makanan yang melimpah ruah. Even though it's not a proper meal most of the time, I am actually pretty stuffed with food for the past four days and this clearly is not a remedy for the distraught that I have been facing since last week.

Manusia apabila dirinya marah dan kecewa, mudah sahaja untuk melenting dan menyalahkan keadaan. Walaupun acapkali diingatkan dengan sifat-sifat seorang mukmin di kala ujian menimpa, masih lagi berulang kembali segala tantrum dan omelan (this is a proper word people). Dan bila timbul segala perasaan tak puas hati dan rebellion dalam diri memuncak, kita akan burst dan mula untuk meluahkan kata-kata yang tidak bijak; langsung tidak menggambarkan diri kita sebagai orang beriman.

Mungkin begitulah perasaan Nabi Musa ketika dia pulang kembali berjumpa dengan kaumnya setelah mendapat wahyu dari Allah melalui lauh-lauh Taurat. Was he angry? Oh goodness, he was so frustrated sampai ditariknya janggut Nabi Harun dan ditanya kepada saudaranya itu dengan nada yang bengis mempersoalkan keadaan tersebut. Mujur apabila diingatkan kembali oleh Nabi Harun bahawa kaum Bani Israel pasti akan menyoraki kemalangan dan pergaduhan mereka, Nabi Musa dapat mengambil nafas dan berdoa kepada Allah agar diberikan rahmat kepada mereka berdua. Fuh, macam mana tu nak handle kemarahan Nabi Musa pun tak tahu.

Lepas tu, Allah berfirman,

"Dan orang-orang yang telah mengerjakan kejahatan, kemudian bertaubat dan beriman, nescaya setelah itu Tuhanmu Maha Pengampun, Maha Penyayang. Dan setelah amarah Musa mereda, diambilnya (kembali) lauh-lauh (Taurat) itu; di dalam tulisannya terdapat petunjuk dan rahmat bagi orang-orang yang takut kepada Tuhannya."
(Al-A'raf:153-154)

Betapa marahnya Nabi Musa, sehinggakan hadiah wahyu yang diterimanya pun dilemparkan ke tanah kerana kecewa yang amat sangat dengan kaumnya. Mana tidaknya, mukjizat laut terbelah pun tak cukup lagi ke nak buktikan kekuasaan Allah sampai nakkan juga berhala sapi untuk disembah.

Tapi, the remedy to that frustration at the end of the day is.....

Keimanan dan wahyu (Quran).

Bila wujudnya dalam diri kita walau secebis keimanan, apabila kita terus sedar daripada kesalahan yang kita lakukan, memang kita akan terus beristighfar dan memohon keampunan pada Allah atas tindakan kita yang meroyan tak tentu pasal sebab stress yang kita hadapi. Dan bila dah reda kemarahan kita, pasti kita akan mula untuk mencari cara untuk mengubat luka yang parah akibat daripada kekecewaan kita. And where else to look kalau bukan dalam Quran?

.....di dalam tulisannya terdapat petunjuk dan rahmat bagi orang-orang yang takut kepada Tuhannya."

So, bukanlah dengan makan banyak-banyak bila stress akan membantu kita to get rid of the pain and agony. Actually, by going back to His words and His teachings would we really get that guidance and tranquility.

And with that, enough of toast (for the time being) in the surgical tea room. And I really should find a way to not doze off at 11.00am everyday. Uhu.

Rehab

8.34pm
31 Januari 2017
Path Lab CSI
Galway, Ireland

Jam sudah menunjukkan jam 8.42pm. Setelah menulis beberapa baris ayat, aku seperti tidak mampu untuk benar-benar meluahkan kata. Apakah sebenarnya yang mendorongku untuk menulis? Setiap kali suatu idea datang menerjah benak fikiranku, pasti akan ku berfikir lebih daripada dua kali tentang keperluannya untuk ditulis; biarlah dalam bentuk elektronik mahupun tulisan tangan.Bermanfaatkah ia? Patutkan ia ditulis? Adakah ia akan membantu diriku atau adakah ia hanya membuang masa?

Sebelum ini, begitu mudah untuk jari jemari ini meluahkan kata. Bahkan segala kekusutan dapat dirungkaikan dengan menulis. Tetapi kini, fikiran dan kata-kata yang memenuhi pemikiranku tidak mampu untuk ditulis dengan complete. Seolah-olah masih ada kekosongan dalam penulisan ini. Seolah tiada rasa, seolah tawar dari perasaan. Jika tiada hati dalam menulis, apatah lagi mampu untuk menyampaikan fikrah/ilmu. Hati yang kering tidak mampu untuk mengungkapkan apa-apa yang mampu menyentuh hati lain.

Sudah sekian lama diri ini mahu menulis kembali. Bukan sahaja dengan kesungguhan, tetapi juga dengan hati. Betapa ingin untuk memberi lebih banyak, betapa ingin untuk mendalami lebih banyak.

Mungkin sahaja hati ini telah lupa bagaimana untuk menyandarkan harapan kepada kekuatan dan keesaan Tuhan. Mungkin kerana itu hati menjadi gundah. Mungkin kerana itu juga jari jemari ini gagal untuk menghasilkan sesuatu yang berkesan memberi kebaikan even to my ownself.

Ya Rabb, kuatkanlah aku untuk menjadi hambaMu yang bersyukur
Ya Rabb, lapangkanlah jiwaku untuk menerima segala ketentuanMu
Ya Rabb, berkatilah masa dan tenagaku agar banyak yang dapat ku berikan untuk jalan agamu
Ya Rabb, mudahkanlah aku untuk memahami dan mempelajari ilmu kerana ingin menunaikan tugas kekhalifahanku
Ya Rabb, hidupkanlah sanubariku dengan nikmat berjumpa denganMu dalam setiap solatku

And as all the rehab facilities here in the hospital for so many patients, is there any that I can go to revive back my dampened iman?

Ombre Rotations

11.46pm
22 January 2017
Galway, Ireland

I know it's already late at night but I feel that I must write this down before the memory I have of it fades away and I am left with only faint recalling of those 3 weeks which has passed so quickly.

This is Merlin Park Hospital. I took this image on my last day here coming for my respiratory rotation. After so many years of wanting to finally be in the hospital and get involved in learning the matter of medicine up close, I have finally come to my clinical years.

Merlin Park Hospital (MPH) used to be a TB sanatorium and when you arrive to this place, you will be able to see how vast the place is. Dominated by more grass than buildings, MPH is a very quiet place, almost like a small village where the people who come here are mostly those from the elderly group. My last week in the respiratory team was a pleasant one in comparison to the first two weeks that I have entering the semester. To be honest, I did not enjoy this rotation in the beginning.

Why?

Because it seemed too laid-back.

I came to the semester with an eagerness of learning and buzzing around the hospital, climbing flights of stairs and entering the wards, meeting patients in the abundance. Allah knows best though when he gave me a sickness that I have never had before, putting me on the bed for three days at least, coughing and feverish. Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal, after much rest and consuming some medications I was able to heal well only to enter a rotation that I felts wasn't pushing me up to my game. Back when I was sick, all I did was lay in bed doing almost nothing at all. My housemates were going in and out of the house in morning, only coming home quite late at night. They returned back with a stories of what they experienced throughout the day and everything sounded so exciting as they shared the new knowledge that they learned together with the scolding and embarrassment as well. I felt left out to be honest. I felt like I wasn't a medical student at all because the only thing I did for those first few days of clinical rotations was just staring at the ceiling and turning around on bed trying to find the most comfortable position to sleep in.

I clearly felt like a loser.

The weekends came and I wasn't able to go meet the sisters in Nottingham. I woke up in the morning alone, sick and coughing up blood. My body ached but my heart bore an even bigger hole. The loneliness just hit me deep and for a moment, the feeling of depression came and I felt completely worthless. I cried when I expectorated blood that Saturday morning as I have been having bouts of hemoptysis since two days ago. I thought I might be carrying some sort of malignancy inside me. I wasn't up to game, I wasn't learning, I couldn't function. I really, really felt insignificant. And when I entered my rotations back again the next week, gosh it was difficult to get my self-esteem back again. I was afraid to do many things, my tongue was tied, I couldn't speak, it affected so many things.

I dreaded my rotations till it made me have second thoughts of becoming a doctor.

Soon after, Allah gave me the best present.

Missing Kak Ejat

Allah reminded me of my mission through them.
Allah reminded me that I'm not alone and that He's always, always there.

Waktu sakit tu rasa jauh sangat dengan Allah. Nak bangun solat pun susah apatah lagi nak membaca satu juz Quran harian. Payah sangat nak buat apa-apa. Rasa tak berguna sangat diri ini. I even equated my existence to dust. Tapi berkat kasih sayang Allah, Allah bagi semula rasa nak kembali kepada Dia. Allah bagi peringatan bertalu-talu tentang misi utama diri ini dihidupkan setiap hari. Allah beri jaminan tentang balasan hari akhirat buat mereka yang sabar dan istiqamah. Allah memberi ketentaraman dengan jaminan ampunan dosa hasil daripada kesabaran atas ujian sakitNya. Allah memberi peluang untuk diri ini menghitung nikmatNya yang terlalu banyak jika dibandingkan dengan ujian sakit beberapa hari itu.

Alhamdulillah wa astaghfirullah, akhirnya diri ini bangkit juga daripada kegelapan depresi yang menyelubungi. Walau mungkin hanya setapak berjalan menuju cahaya, Allah masih setia memimpin dengan kesabaran yang Maha Agung.

And so the third week came of my rotations. I was not alone in heart, nor was I alone physically. Two lads who soon became two people that I admire became those who helped me out along that final week of respiratory rotations. They thought me more than just pathophysiology of asthma and bronchiectasis, they gave advice on how to better my history presentation and showed me example of how to be a good person - friend, student, human being. One of the interns at MPH was one of the kindest interns in the respiratory team and Dr Deborah coming as the ED intern was a great teacher to me as well. Dr Rabbitt never fails to bring up my confidence everytime I speak to her and the patients, oh the patients were so thoughtful for allowing us to the chance to learn from them.

Overall, my somber first rotation turned out to a beautiful one in the end. And alhamdulillah for all that has happened. *senyum mata sepet sebab mengantuk*

To more memories and challenges in the future
InshaAllah.

For a Better World

I believe everybody is studying hard for their finals, doing their best to finish that assignment and cracking their head planning for their future.

No matter who we might be in the days to come, let it be a doctor, an engineer, an accountant, a rocket scientist, a pastry chef, a fireman or an activist, let's do it for the ummah.

Let's do it for the world.

Let's do it for Rasulullah.

Let's do it, most definitely, for Allah.

Words on Desktop Wallpaper

So here's a desktop wallpaper for anyone to use if they'd like. I took it from Kak Bazilah Mohd Zaki on her Facebook because I find the words to be extra compelling.

Khas buat kader dakwah seantero dunia. :)

Ikhlas,
Saya yang masih merangkak dalam tarbiyah, masih penuh dengan selaput jahiliyah.