Today I cried - it's not that I haven't been crying. But of all the things that I had to write about my year so far was how hard it has been, and how hard it will be in the future.
Every single day, piece after piece of knowledge I get about the world, makes me drown in an infinite worry. It can be things related to me, or things totally unrelated - yet in reality, I know that all things are interconnected, even the amount of plankton in the seas has connection to my existence on planet earth.
And thus, with so much burden in my mind and heart, the heaviness keeps on pressing on my chest up until one point, all the ideals of tarbiyah, ukhuwah, quwwatal iman, becomes so difficult for me to digest until my hand starts shaking, my fingers turning icy cold and my body just crouching in a slump.
I am tired. And I have written this phrase more than my fingers can count, nor the CTRL+F button can find. I am tired. I am sad. And I am exhausted.
I try ya Allah, I truly try.
And though my eyes are not yet blind like that of Yaakub, and though my body is still on dry land and not in the belly of a whale like Yunus, and though I have my family and sustenance all around me not like Rasulullah and the muhajirin when they had to migrate - I am still sad. And this weariness envelops me like a big black blanket.
I believe in Your light Ya Rabbi. I believe that with You lies all salvation.
But I am just tired.
And I am so, extremely exhausted.
