Al-Quran Is In Fact The Ultimate Solution

 Assalamualaikum wrh wbt

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal, back here on this canvas on mine after finally doing what I do best - writing and making lists on pen and paper. I really couldn't believe how pen and paper could change a doom-scrolling Sabreena to a more productive person, and I know that despite all the studies done, it required such a strong willpower to finally make it real.

*takes a deep breath*

Nonetheless, alhamdulillah. Truly all praises be to Allah, The Almighty. The One who shifted my heart and lifted my hands to finally come back typing here.

*smiles*

Alright so now what brings the topic above into discussion?
Well, me and my usrahmates (yes people, hamdulillah still in the usrah game and so happy to still be here to write stuff about Allah and share it to everyonee :)), decided that we should play a more active presence in the digital social-sphere of the digital community. Because hey, everyone now has a digital presence in the world wide web. And yes, I did so terribly in TikTok that I am starting my roots by visiting the most comfortable place I have in the web - my blog.

And yes, I am 32 yet I still write like I'm 15, 20, 25 - full of brackets, online gestures and emojis. My own personal style, honest and full of emotions.

Anyhow, going back to the topic *cough*

At home when my husband and I have conversations, I have the tendency to always give the final conclusion of "That's why we need to go back to the teachings of the Quran," and my husband would irk at the answer because he feels it is such an anti-climax to a more heated discussion. Don't get me wrong peeps, his intention is nothing related to going against Quran, he just wants his wife to participate in the conversation. Haha.

It got me thinking on it, like.. "Why does anyone want a different answer than that? How much complex or simple is the human mind that it could not comprehend the idea that Quran holds the key to all the misfortune that is happening in the world?"

So today, while reading the Quran and having a short moment of tadabbur, I found the verses in Surah Syu'ara speak to me in ways that I find was comforting and also answering the question I had beforehand (and actually, the Quran has answered it in so many other verses as well like in Surah Al-An'am and the likes - clearly showing that these questions are repeatedly asked by the people who are presented with the words of Allah).

In the first few verses of Surah As-Syu'ara stated below,

 
Allah said that the verses of Quran were crystal clear, it is not vague, it is direct and it differentiates the truth from the falsehood so clearly. But Rasulullah, being the most soft-hearted person he is, would throw his life away because of the sadness he feels for those who do not believe in this truth. And because Rasulullah knows that the ending for those who disbelief is so clear, his pain is even more deep - especially to those who are actually amongst his own blood and kin. Allah said that despite them disbelieving, I could have 'forced' down a mukjizat that can make them bow down - but why didn't Allah do it?

Because He wanted to honour humans and their free-will. To make iman a choice and not a decree that is forced upon us. Also so that His word can resonate through each generation, to all parts of the world, not just a specific generation like what happened to the people before whom have witnessed the sea parted, blood gushing out and a human withstanding fire. If it was just mukjizat that is witness, only those who see it will believe it and it can only be shown to a specific group of people at a specific time.

The Quran transcends time, generations and place. Translated to so many languages, the Arabic language of the Quran is truly precise to describe all Allah needs us to know of throughout our whole life - the principle and baseline on how to maneuver our livelihood.

And if you look at all the signs, can you actually find anything against the Divine? Confirm tak. And that's why Allah continued the verses in Surah Syu'ara as such,

He uses His name Ar-Rahman, to show that these signs given by Him to all mankind are given in such a delicate and soft way. It is because of His Hilm, His softness and graciousness that He doesn't punish anyone for their wrongdoings immediately. He gives us time and space to return back to Him and to comprehend all of the signs, yet when we fail to use our amazing mind He bestowed, wouldn't He be the first one to be disappointed and it is only His right to enact the right punishment for our disgrace.

In our oh-so arrogant way of thinking, when we feel that we need more than just 'going back to the Quran' as the solution, who are we to justify that we are much better than The Lord of Worlds, than The Creator of you and me? 

(This is by all means not to reduce our thinking minds to just mindlessly follow because even Allah says that those who are able to find truth are those who keep thinking and become among the Ulul Albab)

If we start looking at other 'ways of thinking', other 'school of thoughts' for us to use it as our main stronghold in how we view the world, then truly, that will be the demise of this ummah. Because none of these models of thinking can ever surpass what Allah has given us to create the best of nations. And it is our failure as mankind for us if we hinder ourselves from this message of justice, peace, love, growth and civilisation.

Let's not be that shall we, 
let's be better muslims,

better humans.

:)

Romanticising Life

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

12.43am

The usual time I would do midnight rants on IG once upon a time. And the usual time I would sit in front of my laptop or PC typing away in this old blog that has been around for more than 10 years.

Lately, after almost 9 months of understanding my thought patterns, my emotions and eventually having to think of a better way to survive life itself, I have understood that it is within my power to shape my life - and by no means do I have to follow the usual template of anything in life that I hear from people, that I view in social media, that I envision of myself or even those that inspire me. 

I only needed to be me

Be my own version of myself

Be the version that Allah wants me to be upholding the right principles of Islam

I do not need to follow any template

I just need to have taqwa and embody the slave I am to Him

And alhamdulillah

With the help of my amazing new keyboard, I am finding happiness again in typing such silly notes and rants

Randomly penning down positive thoughts instead of dark humour and negative emotions

Alhamdulillah

After every hardship comes ease

Immense ease

Ease that I am still learning to adapt back into

Ease that has always been around me yet I was too blinded to see it, let alone embrace

Alhamdulillah

Let’s write more Sabby

And let’s be our honest version

And smile again

Just like old days

InshaAllah.

Holding Responsibilities

After the write-up for my grandparents, 

I have to get ready to face the world.

To face the intense text message piled up and the work left undone due to my sickness - both physically and mentally.

I have become so accustomed to comfort, that I forgot how it felt to have people against me. That I forgot how it was to fight the current, be truthful to the situation and accept my flaws with grace.

I have been too soft and too naive in so many ways.

Bismillah

Astaghfirullah

Allahuakbar

Almost 4 weeks of being such a wimp, drowning in all those depressive thoughts and negative decline. InshaAllah, it’s time to immerse myself in the positivity and goodwill of Allah, of the world.

Bismillah.

Let’s settle those responsibilities one at a time, biiznillah.

A Tribute for Tokpuan and Tokyah

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

In the name of Allah, The Most Merciful, Most Gracious

“And those who believed and whose descendants followed them in faith - We will join with them their descendants, and We will not deprive them of anything of their deeds. Every person, for what he earned, is retained.”

(Surah At-Tur, 52:21)

At the age of 31, I only just knew that previously my grandparents had a wine cellar in their home in Malacca - and how my aunt would usually prepare cocktails for the visitors - non-muslims of course - who came to visit my grandfather during special occasions.

At the age of 31, I finally understood that changing this way of life for my grandparents and my mother’s side of the family was such a drastic change from what they were used to and what has usually become the norm for them. 

The younger rebellious nature I once had, and the one sided feeling of being left out and isolated was slowly diminished with this new knowledge and understanding. 

It was a great journey for the whole family. To hijrah.

**********

Growing up, I have always remembered my grandparents to be the abiding muslims they were. Despite knowing that my grandfather was a very loyal envoy of the British during their colonialism - kena belajar overseas UK/US the whole lot - both Tokpuan and Tokyah were the first ones who taught me 3 Qul when I was at the young age of 4 years old. They made sure I recited Surah Al-Fatihah and 3 Qul before bed, then eventually added Ayatul Qursi as well, which soon became my night routine since then. 

In the family, I was the first one to start wearing the hijab at a 14 years old, something my aunts would then pinpoint as being an ustazah as I soon migrated to fully covering my chest later at 18 years old and wore the hijab amongst my cousins in the house, not just outside (which was the right way to go based on shariah). I had so much unrest within me when I saw my relatives not understanding Islam the way I understood it, the way the Quran outlined it to be. I even started feeling like they mocked me to a degree and made fun of my life choices.

Only after opening up and allowing myself to understand their POV that I fully found the truth behind their way of thinking and how including Islam and its teachings in their daily life was also a shift for them. Even praying was something that was so foreign, has become something accustomed in life and they even pray jemaah as well. Subhanallah.

It’s like, it’s Allah’s way of telling me that “Sabreena, you need to have patience. Remember your name, remember how your name was chosen by your grandfather after coming back from Hajj.”

I believe that Hajj was the paradigm shift for my grandparents.

It took them that long to make that change.

I see Hajj making a change in my aunt and my uncle.

I see the idea of going to Hajj making a change in my parents.

Ya Allah, why was I so hasty? When I knew that this Deen will prevail at Your own timeline and not based on my desires. Why was I so easy to pass judgement when I have yet to do my part in the da’wah to my family?

Truly, this Eiduladha opened up my horizons so much. It made me truly encompass the meaning of being a daie and just being myself with family, no fake masks, no lies, no trying to put up a good show - but being qudwah because I really am a part of it, and being respectful, understanding and open to listening to their side of the story.

Above all, I became the witness to how Tokpuan and Tokyah worked hard to make this leap of change from who they were before to what they left of this family after their passing.

*smiles*

Tokpuan, Tokyah

Kakak finally faham kenapa our family is like it is

And kakak finally faham why Allah letak nama akak Sabreena

And how it was inspired after your pilgrimage to the Holy lands

I may not be special, and I am just like anyone else dalam dunia ni

Tp Allah datangkan kakak in this family as someone to look after it, and be a part of it

Not as a judge

But as a child, a grandchild, a niece, a cousin 

To spread Islam in its own beautiful way

And to strengthen our family ties

In the way of imaan, in the way of Islam

So that in the end, we will be united in the best of place

In Jannah

Kakak harap Tokpuan dan Tokyah tenang disana

Dilapangkan kubur, dikurniakan nikmat atas perjuangan di dunia

Dijauhkan dari azab kubur

Dan diampunkan segala dosa-dosa

Kakak is always proud of my Tokpuan Aminah and my Tokyah Ali

Sayang Tokpuan, Tokyah

Jumpa nanti inshaAllah.. :)

“Dan orang-orang yang beriman yang diturut oleh zuriat keturunannya dengan keadaan beriman, Kami hubungkan (himpunkan) zuriat keturunannya itu dengan mereka (di dalam Syurga); dan Kami (dengan itu) tidak mengurangi sedikitpun dari pahala amal-amal mereka; tiap-tiap seorang manusia terikat dengan amal yang dikerjakannya.”

(Surah At-Tur, 52:21)

Dreams and Vomit

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Merciful, Most Gracious

Such a title

As always, being dramatic is so ingrained within me - it helps me joke around my life circumstances with dark humour

Anyhow,

Alhamdulillah I finally am writing this piece that I have been wanting to write since 3 weeks ago. A title I already have running around my head and the basic content of what I want to pen down (or type down if that makes any sense). Well to be honest, the first half was the original title. I had to add the second part because I feel so overwhelmed to the point of bloatedness and vomiting the stress out.

Today wasn't good. I lied down the whole day and was so down in the dumps - woke up feeling exhausted but still tried to pull through. Reheated yesterday's dinner for the family's lunch and slept with Ali after Zuhur curled up on the carpet with all the toys scattered around and the clothes unfolded, not dried in the washing machine. I didn't go to scan practicals today and felt such a loser for waking up late, extremely tired to even get up for a shower.

It was bad.

But I got up.

And I did shower, played with Ali and went to teach mengaji to the kids. Then I went to usrah all smiley-faced like nothing happened when in fact I was in such a situation that I was holding back my nausea while driving to Bangi.

It was that bad.

But khayr,

Alhamdulillah,

I survived 4th February.

So that's the vomit part, what about the dreams?

About two months ago, one of my good friends and personal therapist told me that I have forgotten to dream. The putting a life-goal and mission type of dream. I knew what I had to do in life - abid and khalifah and all - but I didn't have anything to look forward too. When I told her that I will be attending classes for ultrasound on obgyn, she was ecstatic for me - with a tinge of concern, because new addition to my schedule may help me look forward to life but I would need to prepare myself to deal with the new challenges that come with the added commitment.

January passed by and alhamdulillah I survived the hecticness. But during the first month of 2025, I find myself having repetitive dreams of certain people that actually have not been in my life for nearly a decade. And that, caused me to be half annoyed, a quarter confused and a quarter curious.

Like...

Dah kenapa kan?

It came haunting almost every other night that I told myself I had to put an end to it.

And so I did.

I really did something random.

And right afterwards (together with a lot of introspection and reflection) stopped the dreams and made amends with myself - because you only dream what you desire innit?

I find myself searching for support

For comfort

And for appreciation

For space and for reciprocal yearning

That I felt was lost during the period of January up till now

Maybe even longer (because them dreams actually started even since last year)

I told myself - with the help of Allah guiding my lost soul - that I need to make peace with myself and my current state

And I come back to seek solace and support by reading books

With the one book that hit home - Rukun Amal IHAB by Dr Ali Abdul Halim Mahmud

Videos of women from Ghazzah who are so steadfast shook me

And reminded me of my core, my purpose, and my ultimate goal

Allah.

I have sacrificed so much since the start of getting to know You, Ya Rabb

And You have given me so much more that I could ever ask for

So everyday when shaytan goes and whisper (sometimes he even gives visuals or use a microphone to bicker my mind and thoughts), I tell myself to be grateful for what You have given

Because You will truly add on them

And You will truly piece back what I found lost and what I yearn

It's okay

It will be okay
And I don't need humans to remind me of it

When I have You with me always

Ya Rabb

Help me, protect me, aid me and allow me to only suffice with You

Hasbunallah wa ni'ma wakeel

P.S: Again, this post is just word vommit.
If you've come this far, please make du'a for me (nanti will be prayed back at you by the angels :'))

The Devil's Plan

 Alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah

I am alive, breathing and having my full body intact in one piece. Alhamdulillah I have my family with me, my son and husband, my akhwats, my job, clothes and a roof to shelter upon. I am blessed, I am blessed, I am blessed.

Today started of pretty well, I am slowly recovering from my nightmare in October - one month passed, and now we're entering December. I woke up refreshed, did the laundry and folded some clothes. I prepared to go to work, arrived and received a call.

It was the call I never wanted to receive but I did. It was about a patient I did my detail scan on, my heart sank.

Everyday I feel like shaytan is trying to trick me into doing things I shouldn't do and feeling emotions I shouldn't have. Tests after tests Allah is putting me in, surely is to humble me and make me break so that I can finally bend only to Allah's will.

I am afraid
I am down
I feel like I want to have a full blow breakdown

But I am trying to hold unto whatever small hope I may have, the hope that stems from Allah, the hope that Allah will show me the way and bring me to the right path.

What is done, is done
I cannot undo this
But I can learn from it and move forward

I am still healing yes
But I will not fall into the Devil's plan to make me lose hope
Biiznillah

Ya Allah, I am forever unable to protect myself from my nafs or the whispers of shaytan without Your everlasting protection and guidance
Ya Allah, do not let me look at the negatives, allow me to embrace this test so that I can practice my sabr and shukr
Ya Allah, I am ever weak and You are the Most Powerful, You hold the hearts of people and only You can give strength to help us during our darkest times

Stare

Today felt a bit better

I started what I had to start 

Alhamdulillah

Biiznillah

It was a bit better

But as the night crawls

And I began to remember how weak I am for just 'resting' at home, I start to stare deep into space

As these words unfold into my mind

Words that are actually non-existent

Silence

.

.

.

Yes, it's actually silence

InshaAllah

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day

Giving Up

I lost count of how many times I cried this week. This horrible mess that I am entangled in, this ever selfless and self-sacrificing nature of myself that I am beginning to detest, the irritability towards people around me that I can no longer bear, and the lack of sleep - lack of luster - lack of positivity - that is shrouding me.

I have come to see that there seems no reason any more for me to continue this stressful life. And when I sent out a message of forsaking my life, wishing for it to be taken by fire, one of my most beloved replied with a barrage of words as though this was nonsensical and that I am being a selfish youth, an irresponsible adult cum mother cum wife, an ungrateful human being, a disgrace to mankind.

There was no...

Are you okay?

What happened?

If it was illness of the body, they rush to me with bags of soup and warm-cooked meals. When it is illness of the mind and the heart, they simply shrug it off as though I'm a dimwit.

And I cried again

So bad

That's why I said

I don't need an MC - I did not faint, lose an arm, have lacerations all over my body, or bleeding a limb out. 

I cried

And cried

And stopped

And got out of the car.

Finally,

And it took someone out of the family to tell me to go home, sleep, and rest.

I am tired Ya Allah

If its best that I die, take me on this blessed Friday. Leave my husband with a better wife, my son with a better mother.

I am tired.

I am tired.

Dear Me, I Miss You

 

I believe you are still there

That strong-willed daie

The woman that has decided to dedicate her life for the path of Allah

You are not lost
And how amazing it is that Allah is pulling you back to where you originally belonged

Sabr,

You can do this

You can shine with only Islam in your heart and dakwah in your hands

You can do this
And in this Ramadhan, let's make it happen

2024 it is

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful
5 Rejab 1445H

It is already a new year
And I haven't written a single post last year

Finished HO in November 2022

Then entered 2023, which just rapidly progressed 

6 months in Pahang

Another 6 in Bangi
And now we enter 2024, with the big 30 entering soon

I can't believe I am where I am now

Subhanallah
If I look back at the days that I've starting blogging

It has been almost 15 years 

Tak sangka
That 15 year old teenager

Has now grown to become a 30 years old adult

A mother

A wife

A doctor

But most importantly, she found her purpose

Subhanallah

Begitu indah perjalanan hidup aturan Allah

Hijrah to HPKK

(Long delayed post. Typing with Ali sleeping in my embrace on my tummy, surrounded by pillows to support my arms)

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

13 Ramadhan 1443H

Balakong

It was 15th of March. A bright Tuesday, Prof Azlin's post-take day with 7 patients in 4A and 6 patients in 4E. MashaAllah, we had our work cut out for us.

The morning started with us rambling through the new cases and arranging for their transfer to HPKK from HCTM. With Prof Wong's sudden morning visit to the ward, we were already 'motivated' to get it done as quick as possible. MOs and HOs all crowded the counter and patient cubicles to get their history straight and formulating appropriate plans before furiously typing on the PC, Ipads, laptops, the discharge summary of these patients. It was a memorable morning, we all worked together hand-in-hand to get things done stat. And we did it, hamdulillah :)

Afterwards, once all the patients were transferred, we ourselves have to manouvre ourselves to our new office in HPKK. And having 1 peri patient in 4F didn't help much (haha). Since I have been seeing the little bub for the past few days, I volunteered myself to help settle her discharge summary and discharge plans to make sure this baby whom have been hospitalised for more than 3 months since her birth, a quick discharge in the next few days. Being 34 weeks pregnant and counting proved to be a challenged as I drag my enormous belly to and fro, HPKK-HCTM-HPKK until I went back home late at 10pm with the help of Auni who was kind enough to send me all the way home. Luckily Hazwan was around to settle ward work in the day while I hilang-hilang in between settling stuff in HCTM. Later in the evening I just continued my AMX shift with Edna, Pei Wern and Auni. (Thanks kawan-kawan) That night Auni sent me back home - after another trip to ward 4K from HPKK - as zauj had to present an important talk. I was touched by this kind soul, may Allah bless you Auni (insert teary-eyed emoji)

Once I reached home I was already so exhausted and almost wanted to take an MC the next day. But me being me, I didn’t. So zauj had to bear with my leg cramps, sore back and whining until I went to work the next day. 

Then it was 16th March. 1st day functioning in HPKK from morning till evening. I was AM that day and due for my written exams the next day. Finishing paeds in 3 weeks, I was confident inshaAllah that I will get this posting done and then apply for my maternity leave once I started in ED. The day was fairly smooth alhamdulillah - inserting branulas and blood taking of kiddies with the couple Hazwan and Aquilah. That said, I had a weird sensation in my lower tummy. As though a sort of pressure is building up near my pubic region until I got extremely cautious whenever I had to make that trip to the toilet - afraid that baby Ali (nauzubillah) would suddenly appear. I was 34w4d at this point of time.

Before ending my shift, two of my MOs who were both concerned and shocked that I would still be oncall tomorrow joked on the fact that if I still go on a walking frenzy, my child may come out anytime. I laughed it off but then those tummy sensations sure are getting me worried.

Finished my shift at 5PM and zauj picked me up hamdulillah. Arrived home ready to study and be prepared for tomorrow’s written exam.

Then, it slowly happened..

Pages Written for You

 Dear Husband,

My forever home

My sanctuary

My respite

For the longest time I have always thought that I have constantly been on the receiving end - whilst you have consistently showered me with unending kindness, thoughtfulness and sacrifices. I’m not sure if I exxagerate this, I’m not sure if this writing would eventually churn up all the food you ate throughout the day. But I hope the sincerity in these words reaches you.

Bismillah.

…..

I have always been bad with surprises. For each consequent years spent celebrating your birthday, I would just come out with some ‘cheap’ presents and order up a cake that I discussed with you to share with the family. No element of surprise, no fancy dinner, no special outings. This has been a stark contrast as to what you will put up for my birthday - year by year, it gets better. You have always gone the extra mile, always giving more than you receive. 

If I count the numerous places you have brought me to on the multiple occassions even out of my birthday, the list would be too extensive and the whole world might just ‘kecam’ me for flaunting our adventures. This year, for your birthday, I kept thinking of what to get you. And as always, being that thrifty lady, I didn’t want to spend a mountain and I opted for something thoughtful yet customised so it’ll be special only for you.

Sadly (and very disappointing), the gift arrived super late and your special day was spent with just cake that you didn’t entirely like (or hate). With Ali on board, I keep on feeling that what I’m bringing to you on the table in our husband-wife relationship has been even lesser. You do all - the cleaning of my 8 breastpumping cups, Ali’s bottles, midnight oncalls with Ali, registering him at JPN, KK visits, relinquishing my food cravings, driving me everywhere. If I keep on writing I might just burst into tears.

You give so much.

Allah is giving me so much.

I’m not good at surprises. Even this write-up may not be enough as to compare with all the gifts you have showered me.

Abang,

I am not a good wife. I always say the worst words, sometimes I may even blurt out words you and I both despise. I comment on the smallest error you make when you cherish me in my ugliest moments. 

With Ali, I have had less time to cook for you a storm like I used to. I hope I can still do that even when I start working, even when Ali starts screaming wanting me to hold him always. I want to give the best for you, and keep trying despite my shortcomings like what you have always done for me.

Barakallahufeek for being the qawwam in our small family, for protecting me and Ali, for loving my parents and grandparents, for guiding me during all those anger moments I have, for allowing me to attend all my DnT events and supporting my choices.

Abang,

You are such an amazing person. And I know that despite all the many hurdles you will face in the future, you’ll pull through inshaAllah. I pray Allah grants you barokah, happiness, health and wealth. You deserve the highest of Jannah for all that you have done, and all you will do.

Happy 28th birthday abang. 143

Pregnancy - A Recap

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

18 Shaaban 1443H

Seri Kembangan

7.00pm

I have been procrastinating writing this post about pregnancy since my 26th week POA as I try to find the exact and proper time to sit down comfortably with just one thing in mind - to write. Alhamdulillah finally after delivering Ali, that time came (took you so long Sabr haha).

I wanted to write down of how my body is ever changing

How I don’t feel like myself everyday

How my legs ache every morning as I scream out loud withstanding the stabbing pain

How big my tummy is growing 

And how Ali keeps turning topsy turvy in my belly until I feel like vomiting

It started with taking about 4 pregnancy tests because I couldn’t believe that I was pregnant. This happened after finishing my 3rd posting in Medical and entering my 3rd week in O&G. And to be slightly more precise, it happened after I told my parents of how stressful I was being a doctor, how disrespectful-unfair-ridiculous the SNs are to taggers (walaupun we oll ni manusia jugak kotttt) and with all these stressors how can I ever get pregnant despite me trying for it. Tup tup, a few days later I had the urge to check my pregnancy status because I have been 3 weeks later for my period.

And it was positive.

At first, I didn’t believe it. Used another one, positive. Showed to my husband. We were both stunned, in a good way, and as to not put our hopes up decided to get a more expensive test kit tomorrow to confirm. It came out positive. Subhanallah, walhamdulillah wa la ilaha ila Allah, Allahuakbar. Before sharing it with the fam, we wanted to get our little baby seen on the scan first - but after 3 visits to the GP, we still fail to see our budding little seed. Amer was anxious, I was pretty chill because I have yet to put my hopes on the baby - afraid it may not survive through or maybe it was a false alarm and the bHCG positive on the multiple pregnancy tests done actually came from an ectopic area, maybe cancer (grim jokes really).

We first shared the news with my side of the family on Baba’s birthday (I was 7w at this time based on LMP) and then subsequently to Amer’s fam on our 2nd anniversary (9w here). But during those two occassions, we haven’t seen our little baby on scan yet. Finally, on my TCA to open my pink book (11w based on LMP), the drs did a TVS scan and wallahi, our little baby was there growing well all along subhanallah. 

That was the start of Allah’s miracle unfolding in my tummy bit by bit. I then went through my 4 months in O&G with this small child, finally knowing that it was a boy during detail scan at the 20th week. :) There were days when I was so tired that after work I would just lie down and sleep with my work clothes on, sometimes without taking dinner. And there will be times when I have to sit down in between morning rounds at the procedure room to prevent myself from fainting. Nights oncall were sometimes dreadful as I experienced the worse nausea any pregnant lady had to go through, frequenting the toilet just to vomit air and at the odd times, dinner. There will be days where my Registrars would freak out because I would sound like I’m panting while assisting them in the OT. I would just laugh it off saying that it’s my baseline (which is true) and continue retracting as usual.

I never run away from my work, unless I really can’t then I will tell my colleagues to help me for a bit before I myself clean up the work left. I still go back late sometimes, even up till 9-10pm. Still get scolded, still enter all those PUI OTs (but not COVID OTs la ever nauzubillah huhu). Alhamdulillah, 4 months passed in O&G and I entered paediatrics - of which I dreaded at first, but the posting grew on me and I have learned to embrace the subject matter with more love and interest every single day. With scary yet wise consultants, respectable and helpful MOs, kind and understanding colleagues, I really enjoyed my paediatrics posting till the end (and it’s sad that I was unable to finish it on time due to reasons I will share in my upcoming posts).

Then, hijrah to HPKK happened.

Penning Down Memories

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

In the Name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

It feels refreshing to finally be able to push myself to write back again

To put down my thoughts into words, to have them displayed on the screen

Alhamdulillah everyone, I survived 2 postings in housemanship

And here I am in my in my 3rd posting - already in the second month

Subhanallah, all praises be to Allah for granting me strength and ease

It is not an easy road, and I have been humbled day in and day out since Day 1 of HOship

And on this month, Amer and I are 20 months into our marriage - another 4 months before our 2 year wedding anniversary. Subhanallah walhamdulillah. Allah is ever so Merciful and gracious towards us in this blessed journey. We do have our share of fights and disagreements, but none are to the point of attacking each other in the process. Hamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah.

Throughout my time of hiatus, I have had so many thoughts running around my head

Grievances for my own lacking of mujahadah

Disappointment on my lack of enthusiasm and passion / amal

Blooming ideas of plans and projects (that never made it into reality sadly)

Hopes, dreams and wishes only painted in the mind and never into something tangible (yet)

But today, I decided to stop being that lazy bum Sabreena - the one that always blames her never-ending work as a HO as a reason to slack off

I decided that today I will do something different, pick up something that I have always loved to do yet had always find an excuse to put on hold

Today, I am writing so that I may live a new life

A life no longer as the dreaded HO

But a life as an 'abid and khalifah

A life I have promised Allah even before I was created into this world

Moga Allah hidupkan kembali hati ini

Moga Allah sudi merawatnya agar ia kembali mekar untuk memperjuangkan agama suci ini

Moga hati ini subur dengan iman dan taqwa, jihad dan ikhlas

Moga niatku benar, dan moga Kau membenarkannya Ya Rabb

"Dan di antara tanda-tanda kekuasaanNya, engkau melihat bumi kosong sepi (dalam keadaan kering dan tandus), maka apabila Kami menurunkan hujan menimpanya, bergeraklah tanahnya serta suburlah tanamannya. Sesungguhnya Allah yang menghidupkannya sudah tentu berkuasa menghidupkan makhluk-makhluk yang telah mati; sesungguhnya Ia Maha Kuasa atas tiap-tiap sesuatu."

(Surah Fussilat, 41:39)

Still Alive

Two months down the road in housemanship and I am exhausted yet am still alive.

I haven't been writing at all, haven't been reflecting and contemplating - my senses become dull, my tadabbur becomes bleak and I am just spouting irrelevant words neither useful for me nor others.

I am alive alhamdulillah

But am I truly living?

Parental Instincts

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

2 Syawal 1441H
12.16am
Balakong

More than 9 months has past since my last post and cobwebs have been surrounding this blog more than I can imagine. I took so long to write something in here, probably taking my sweet time to come with something that originates from the heart and not just to commemorate an event (thus explaining why I have delayed writing my thank you note to everyone that has attended my wedding *peluh besar*).

But fast forward 9 months,

This happened

And this happened too - look at how much we expanded in 8 months

And no, before someone starts speculating about my pregnancy status, I will say that I am not yet granted the chance to carry a little fella in my womb as of now. That being said, I am still very blessed to be where I am here today after many years of praying for what I have now.

A year has passed by since I actively participated in ward rounds and clerking patients. My clinical skills are rusty and my inclination towards pursuing a medical career is stagnating, though the time I spent just being around family and akhwats, breathing the reality of living in Malaysia and living as a person who thinks properly before she does something is truly a priceless gift I will not trade for anything, alhamdulillah.

Now, the last part probably is the most valuable asset this 1 year has given me.

\

(Ingatlah) ketika isteri Imran berkata:" Tuhanku! Sesungguhnya aku nazarkan kepadaMu anak yang ada dalam kandunganku sebagai seorang yang bebas (dari segala urusan dunia untuk berkhidmat kepadaMu semata-mata), maka terimalah nazarku; sesungguhnya Engkaulah Yang Maha Mendengar, lagi Maha Mengetahui."

(Surah aali-Imran, 3:35)

Looking back, I have not yet done anything amazing after my return to Malaysia. I did not write a book, I did not finish my note taking, I may have increased my hafazan but it is just too little to be celebrated and I did not secure myself a stable liqa' whatsoever. Nonetheless like I said, I gain such precious time to observe, think and reflect on many aspects of living other than the academic notions included in my clinical studying and previous DnT upbringing.

Something I did not have, or to be exact, did not utilise previously.

When I heard the ayat from Surah aali-Imran during my husband's tazkirah on the first night of our marriage, it did not strike me much about the quality of what Maryam's mother prayed for her unborn child. But after weeks and months passing by as a married woman, Allah allowed me to reflect on this ayaah with a different light - a direction and way of thinking that is pivotal for my future as a wife, a mother and a trendsetter for the ummah.

Previously, I thought that I was thinking wisely. That I had a goal and an aim that was substantial enough to keep me pushing forward in life. This is however, still shallow thinking and when I was bombarded by a thousand an one questions from my akhwats, my relatives, and even myself, I find that I cannot answer them adequately. And that the aim I so highly value was not enough of an answer to solidify my decisions. The perks of living in Malaysia (for me that is) is that you have an abundance of people to act as references, living proofs and evidences to guide you in making important life choices. And one example of that important life choice is -

Marriage.

It is not my intention to go over the rigmarole or nuances of choosing a life partner, wedding plans and all the technicalities of finding the right person to sending out wedding invites.

What I am here to talk about is the whole idea of marriage and building a family.
What is your intention?
What is your goal?
How solid can it be for DnT?
How sure are you that you are ready to carry the burden of carving fine men and women for the ummah?

These important topics, really vital ones, where never discussed or thought of by myself in my head. And I know for sure, that if I was not in Malaysia mingling with those that had a bigger mindset and broader horizon on the topic, I would just go with the flow of kahwin, dapat anak, dapat lagi ramai anak, jadi consultant and so on, so forth.

I am not saying that that particular flow is wrong to follow.
It's just that it lacks depth.
And the institution of marriage is so sacred and invaluable for it to lack intensity in the vision of it's construction.

I got married anyway alhamdulillah despite that lacking.
And now the next big step that everyone hogs on me about is the question of children.

"Belum lagi ke?"
"Bila lagi nak mengandung?"
"Dah berisi ke belum?"
"Xyz dah ada dah, awak bila lagi?"

And the question goes on and on whenever people come and greet me, even over social media aha. Was I offended? Of course I was. At first I thought that it was just some sort of funny joke people make for newlyweds but as those questions keep on repeating itself, no normal wife can just smile and wipe off the agony-come-irritation of such remarks. Imagine if these questions keep continuing themselves for years and years. I can understand now, at least a bit, of how and what TTC couples are facing.

Yes, we are planning. So we take precautions.
So kenapa nak terasa sangat?
Any married woman would of course want a child of her own. And seeing so many couples cuddle their own baby and playing with their toddlers does sting a little when your womb is currently vacant.

It's human instincts to desire their own offsprings kan? Allah even mentions this in the Quran Himself.

"Dihiaskan (dan dijadikan indah) kepada manusia: kesukaan kepada benda-benda yang diingini nafsu, iaitu perempuan-perempuan dan anak-pinak; harta benda yang banyak bertimbun-timbun, dari emas dan perak; kuda peliharaan yang bertanda lagi terlatih; dan binatang-binatang ternak serta kebun-kebun tanaman. Semuanya itu ialah kesenangan hidup di dunia. Dan (ingatlah), pada sisi Allah ada tempat kembali yang sebaik-baiknya (iaitu Syurga)."

(Surah aali-Imran, 3:14)

But my child, is not designed to be the follow the flow child. She or he should not be born out of whims and merely instincts, and should not be born until I am ready to carry the responsibility of educating him/her.

This thought process was carefully crafted after witnessing so many of my akhwats struggle with their children. Yes it's cute to bring babies into your usrah and play with them when they are in a good mood. But the sleepless nights when they get cranky, and the ordeal of childcare vs at-home-maid, the responsibility of caring for them even when you have a bad day at work, breastfeeding and babies not latching to your nipple, cost of nappies and thinking about good baby food. This is a lot.

And that's just the baby phase.
What about the toddler phase?
The elementary school kid phase?
The raising up your kid in a modern and digital era?
And what about your spouse? What about your time as husband and wife, and your relationship as a couple + parents?

There are soo many things surrounding childcare and child-upbringing that I cannot just head into it headstrong with merely pure intentions of wanting to create the next generations of khalifatullah.

It's like suicide. It's like forsaking my children's future if I go in now with zero knowledge and prep.

Well, yes, maybe our parents did it without so much preparation and brought us up just great
Well, yes, maybe they learned along the way
Well, yes, they managed with everyone's help - family and friends

But to me, from my understanding and knowledge of our ultimate goal as Allah's caliph and 'abid in this world - our children are our future in upholding Allah's deen. If we can prepare so much for a presentation or a surgery, prepping ourselves or our patient up to ensure a good success rate, what more in the crafting of our beloved children.

You can never be 100% prepared, but you can take adequate measures to learn and understand on the important aspects of parenthood before diving in. Because once you're in, there's no turning back.

Like Maryam's mother, she prayed so hard to Allah. So sincerely and so clearly to Him. She knows what she wants from her child, and this is portrayed in her du'a. She knows her goal for the unborn child and she understands what is important, thus she prayed for it. For steadfastness of faith, for devotion to The One and Only Lord.

And because of that true sincerityc, coupled with proper preparations (of being pious herself, of choosing a pious spouse - Imran is said to be a pious man), Allah bestowed upon her Maryam that has been chosen to be the best woman of all mankind.

"Dan (ingatlah wahai Muhammad) ketika malaikat berkata: "Wahai Maryam! Sesungguhnya Allah telah memilihmu, dan mensucikanmu, dan telah memilihmu (beroleh kemuliaan) melebihi perempuan-perempuan seluruh alam (yang sezaman denganmu)."

(Surah aali-Imran, 3:42)

With this knowledge and enlightenment, I have begun reading a lot on strengthening my zeal and iman towards my faith, towards my belief in our toriq amal - maratib amal. I enrolled in an online course regarding marriage and parenting, all while I attend my usual routine of program dakwah dan tarbiyah, syura, familial responsibilities (which is now multiplied by two) and studying before entering HO. 

Yes, I may not be superb or amazing at it. I am still very fresh in my marriage, apatah lagi my DnT experience but I am trying ya Allah. I am trying to be the best I can for You, to be the best for the Deen You blessed me with.

And for that, I need my prep. I think we all need prep and if you're already married with a child or two, it's okay. Just have the mindset of life-long learning, and start somewhere. It's never too late. Because it's not just medicine that evolves, the world itself evolves and children needs to be raised during the time and era that they live in - not in ours.

May Allah prepare us to be his humble and abiding servants in serving His Deen.

May Allah bless us with healthy and obedient children that put Allah above all else. 

May Allah carve us to be the best parents we can for our children, parents of vision and parents of doing.

May we be the best for our parents, our children, our immediate and extended family, as well as the ummah at large.

Ameen Ya Rabbal alamin. 

25. A New Phase of Life.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

18 Zulhijjah 1440H
1.48am
Balakong

It's been more than 2 months since I've safely landed in my homeland and as always, procrastination will be at its best when you're bombarded with a list of things to do and get done. I've been keeping myself away from posting anything to commemorate the end of my medical studies, my graduation and my return to Malaysia because I didn't want to sound cliche. That was what I was thinking. Or maybe, it was just denial that I've ended that part of my life journey and will soon be stepping on a new boat. Sailing new waves with a new crew, a new partner-come-captain-come-comrade.

I don't know for sure. But alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah for it all.

I've never thought that 5 years would go by in a blink of an eye.
I keep on saying it to other people, but here I am thinking back on how much I've progressed in life that it seems truly amazing that I am standing where I am now.

I've never thought that I would live long enough to be 25 years old.
After KMB ended, every year was a year that I didn't know what to anticipate any longer because all those childhood dreams have become a reality. And now I'm Dr Sabreena. (Okay that literally sent chills down my spine)

I've never thought that I would naik tangga like in less than 3 weeks now.
I always thought that it would be longer, and that I would have more time to get myself prepared but heave-ho, it's getting closer and closer.

I can't believe I'm done with Ireland, and I can't believe that I'm missing it so much.

Langit yang dirindukan

Subhanallah, walhamdulillah, wa astaghfirullah. The more I think about it, I feel like a sense of warmth overflowing within me, and I miss this feeling. Probably because I haven't been writing for so long, the gratitude juices that used to just run in my veins went missing.

Alhamdulillah Ya Rabb. 

For everything that You've beautifully crafted for me.

Alhamdulillah for my parents that have endlessly prayed for me and supported my studies.

Alhamdulillah for my grandparents, uncles and aunties - that despite their honest and direct 'comments' have always been there to help my family at all times and pray for their most 'annoying' granddaughter/niece

Alhamdulillah for my sisters, my akhwats that have showered me with love and du'a and food, tears and laughter, and a whole load of things to think and figure out

Alhamdulillah for my murabbi, that might never know how much I truly love and look up to her

Alhamdulillah for my batchmates and their immense help on study tips, past paper answers and notes

Alhamdulillah for my lecturers, consultants, tutors and interns - I miss them so, especially all the interns that were so kind to listen to my amateur history taking

Alhamdulillah for Dublin Bus, for GOBus, for Ryanair, for Irish Rail- for all the travels we had on buses, cars, trains and airplanes

Alhamdulillah for the nights we slept at the airport, the days we were stranded with nowhere to go, the mosques we visited, the kindness of strangers and the mocking of haters

Alhamdulillah for Dublin, Galway, Castlebar, Essex, London, Southampton, Newcastle, Glasgow, Cork and Belfast

Alhamdulillah for the opportunity to set foot in Ireland and UK, and to experience what it was berada di bumi bukan Islam namun masih hidup dibawah bayangan al-Quran, sentiasa dibawah jagaan Allah

I finished my journey in Ireland, and now I'm back into reality.

Reality Malaysia.

Where my time, energy and thoughts will be ultimately tested. Untuk bersama Allah atau bersama arus dunia. Untuk memilih keimanan atau al-Hawa'.

It's very scary. And I'm terrified.

But however it may sound like, the fact that I am here means that Allah knows this is where I belong. And with full trust in Him, with the huge love I have for Him, I will be okay.

I will be okay because the Love of my life is planning my life. He won't leave me be.

Ya Rabb, this new phase of life will truly test my faith towards You. Throughout it all, please keep me strong on Your path.

"Ihdinassiratal mustaqim... Ihdinassiratal mustaqim.."

Berkorban Itu Kunci Kemenangan

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

16 Syaaban 1440H
11.20pm
Galway

"Apakah manusia mengira bahawa mereka akan dibiarkan hanya dengan mengatakan 'Kami telah beriman,' dan mereka tidak diuji?"

(Surah al-Ankabut, 29:2)

"Apakah kamu mengira bahwa kamu akan masuk syurga, padahal belum nyata bagi Allah orang-orang yang berjihad di antara kamu, dan belum nyata orang-orang yang sabar."

(Surah ali-Imran, 3:142)

Credits: Amalina Halim

More than one week has passed since my final exams ended. And 2 days has passed since we ended our 1-week daurah with Ustaz Kamaru Salam (he writes books and they're amazing subhanallah). Time has gone by so quickly, it almost feels like a dream having back-to-back pengisian with ustaz - from UK to Ireland.

Daurah diri sendiri yang terakhir di UKE.

*sniff*
Sebak pulak tetiba.

I had an endless string of words planned to be typed down in this canvas earlier this morning, but now - as usual - I seem to be stunned in front of the computer. Maybe it's because of this melancholic BGM that I'm playing on my earphone, makes me want to cry over the rapid movement of time.

Whenever I want to write about dakwah, a small part of me says that I don't have the capacity and the capability to come up with a good piece that can be of any justice to Dakwah and Tarbiyah. I look at myself as the most lowly of creature to be able to bask in Allah's Glory everyday - bersama Quran, bersama Islam. Tak layak, sungguh tak layak. I am a sinful human being, yet Allah still choose me day in and day out untuk melaksanakan tugas sebagai 'manusia'; as His 'abid and caliph.

For the fact that this piece is to commemorate and reflect on bahan-bahan yang dapat waktu daurah lepas, I can't help but feel anxious about it. I can never write as freely as I like to anymore, and not that I mind about it to be honest. I want to make sure that my words will be able to paint an imagery, an understanding, a memory, that can be etched deep within those that read my post - especially myself. Moga Allah benarkan niat yang baik, buang niat yang buruk dan sertakan barakah dalam tulisan kali ini.

**

First and foremost, I will start by listing down the topics that I had gone through. Ustaz just went through them briefly, ensuring that we get the gist of every topic without causing us to drown in the technicalities of each.

- Tadabbur Surah at-Taubah, 9:38-59
- Dzatiyah Dakwiyah
- Fikrah Islamiyah Kita
- Fikrah VS Ilmu
- Tafsir Surah An-Nas, Surah Al-Fiil, Surah Al-Kafirun
- Mabadi' Tadris Ulum Diiniyah: Muhibb
- Usul 20: Usul 1-10
- Golongan yang Tercicir
- MR: Kearah Mana Kita Menyeru Manusia

Now that I've listed them all down, it sure looks like an amazing list indeed. Seolah Allah memberi barakah kepada masa dan usaha kami dalam duduk-duduk kali ini. We were even able to go to a carboot sale and have breakfast together at Cafe Nero in between. MashaAllah, subhanallah.

And the pengisian that hit me the most was the tadabbur from Surah at-Taubah. After having to go through weeks and months of 'kekeringan', ada juga timbul a small hint of heaviness untuk terus ke daurah kali ni right after we finished our exam - like literally. That being said, however, kata-kata Allah dalam Surah as-Syarh kept reminding me that I shouldn't.

"Kemudian apabila kamu sudah selesai (daripada sesuatu amal soleh), maka bersungguh-sungguhlah engkau berusaha (mengerjakan amal soleh yang lain)."

(Surah as-Syarh, 94:7)

So I packed my bags dalam keadaan perut sakit memulas-mulas and went to the airport on Friday, 12th April for my flight to Southampton with full faith that Allah knows best. I needed to bersusah sikit, been having usrah online for such a long time until I forgot the sweetness of mujahadah. The next day, with F (my beloved mutarabbi), we boarded a train from Southampton heading to Nottingham at 5am in the morning. It was my first short jaulah after so long being coped inside my home in Galway. It was refreshing subhanallah.

We had our daurah this time around at Nottingham Central Mosque for 4 days straight and we spent our nights sleeping in the masjid. I enjoyed my time there very much and I think my adik-adik have grown so much to see them able to handle many of the things themselves. Though there's still room for improvement, I am very proud of their progress. Macam ni la eh rupanya perasaan murabbi melihat adik-adik dibawahnya membesar sedikit demi sedikit, seperti bahagianya Rasulullah melihat para sahabatnya makin mendalam keimanannya kepada Allah dan Rasul. The happiness is indescribable really.

"...Demikianlah sifat mereka yang tersebut di dalam Kitab Taurat; dan sifat mereka di dalam Kita Injil pula ialah sebagai pokok tanaman yang mengeluarkan anak tunasnya, lalu anak tunasnya itu menyubur, sehingga ia menjadi kuat lalu ia tegap berdiri di atas (pangkal) batangnya dengan keadaan yang mengkagumkan orang-orang yang menanamnya..."

(Surah al-Fath, 48:29)

Going back to the tadabbur of Surah at-Taubah verses 38-59, ayat-ayat yang terkandung dalam surah tu mempunyai peringatan yang kuat kepada orang beriman yang lambat mahu menyambut seruan untuk berjihad walaupun mereka sudah sedia maklum tentang keperluan untuk menyahut seruan tersebut. Since the surah is a Madani surah, it shows that the teachings brought in this collection of ayahs are related to an established muslim community in Madinah. Once dapat this tadabbur, terus rasa macam, "This is it. There's no need to continue anything else. This is the hit, the reminder to wake me up from my deep slumber and paralysis." To describe the whole teaching of the ayahs would be very lengthy here but in a nutshell, it was a huge slap in the face for me. Persoalan yang Allah petik dalam ayat 38 was like a sarcastic question, yet a humbling one seolah-olah nak tanya, "Eh bukan ke kau orang beriman, kenapa masih lagi berat nak berjuang?" Then ayat-ayat susulan selepas tu were all like raining comets and meteors kepada hati seorang Sabr. Kalau tak nak jugak berjihad, Allah akan azab dan Allah akan gantikan kamu dengan yang lain.

Gantikan. Dengan. Yang lain.

Allah dah tak nak kat aku?
Allah dah tak nak pilih aku?

That hit the jackpot. I cannot live without Allah, I don't want to, and I simply can't.

My life without Islam will be nothing. If my identity as a muslim is stripped away from me, what do I have left?

If I didn't want that to happen, then the only option is untuk bangun dan berjihad. Bangun dan menapak hari-hari yang akan mendatang.

"Pergilah kamu beramai-ramai (berjihad di jalan Allah), sama ada dalam keadaan ringan atau dalam keadaan berat; dan berjihadlah dengan harta dan jiwa kamu pada jalan Allah. Yang demikian amatlah baik bagi kamu jika kamu mengetahui."

(Surah at-Taubah, 9:41)

Ayat paling koman dapat bila rasa berat nak pergi daurah zaman KMB dulu. Akhwat akan selalu share, reflect and tadabbur on this ayat. Ayat yang akan selalu terpacul dari mulut bila nak ingatkan adik-adik untuk turun pergi daurah dan buat dakwah.

But when ustaz went through this ayah, it was as though I have never heard it before.

Seruan infiru.

Seperti seruan untuk bernafas dengan nafas yang baru.

I found it. I got it.

Ya Allah, it's as though You've rescued me from the sea of slumber that I'm drowning in. I am reminded of my purpose again, the sole reason why I'm here in this world, the reason why I battled my heartbreak 2 years ago and sacrificed my feelings, destroying any desire left I have for what I thought was mine. It was for You. Only for You.

And the past 8 days acted as the best remedy to jump-start my already dead heart. Macam kena cardiac defibrillation after a VFib (lols lawak medic sangat).

Untuk dakwah menang, perlu ada pengorbanan.

Seperti mana Rasulullah berkorban for 23 years once baginda dapat wahyu.

"Sudah berlalu masa tidurku," kata baginda.

Sebagaimana para sahabat sanggup melalui kepayahan meninggalkan kesenangan dunia, keselesaan bersama suami-isteri dan anak-anak, 

Sebagaimana para ulama', para daie zaman berzaman yang keluar daripada norma masyarakat yang hanyut dalam nikmat dunia.

Dakwah kat overseas dulu pernah subur sangat-sangat

UK,

Ireland,

US,

Canada,

Russia,

Germany,

France,

Jepun,

Korea,

China,

Mesir,

Jordan,

New Zealand,

Australia,

Semua ada rijal-rijal mereka tersendiri.

Ikhwat, akhwat yang sangat ikhlas pada dakwah ini, berusaha betul-betul untuk menjaga syiar Islam.

Kini, walau mereka sudah tiada dan walau cahaya Islam pada pelajar muslim Malaysia makin malap,

Aku yakin

Dengan sepenuhnya

Bahawa ia hanya gerhana

Bukan terbenamnya matahari.

There'll be a day where Islam will merge victorious again.

Where the muslim youth will rise forth, dengan penuh izzah dan bangga terhadap deen yang dibawanya.

Permulaan dakwah overseas lahir daripada keikhlasan dan kesungguhan seorang murabbi

Yang tidak kenal erti putus asa

Yang hubungannya kuat dengan Allah

Yang tawakkal hebat
Yang usahanya tidak kenal penat lelah

Walaupun tak pernah merasai zaman agung dakwah overseas yang subur itu

I've learned so, so much

And with the time left

I will do my best to not disappoint Allah, and ensure that the opportunity He gave me will be used to the max

To many more days with gerabak dakwah dan tarbiyah

Happy days, sad days, colourful days, gloomy days

And especially,

Days with Allah.

It’s 2019

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

20 Jamadil Akhir

12.25am

Galway

It’s almost two months down the line since 2019. And I haven’t written a new year resolution, nor have I made a fancy post to commemorate the beginning of this semester. Alas, I’m im my final semester of medical school. With all the craziness that has happened, now that I think of it, I can’t believe it’s 2019. I can’t believe that it’s been almost 5 years since I came to Ireland. Allahuakbar, it’s only with God’s doing that I’m here today.

I’ve loads to write. I really do. 

From Ammar’s recovery, to my mock long case.

To my exams in another 23 days.

And ramadhan is just around the corner weehuu subhanallah.

This year is going to be pretty life-changing. And throughout it all, I had and will always have, Allah by my side every step of the way.

It feels amazing hidup dibawah bayangan al-Quran, hidup bersama Allah dan hidup melaksanakan my two main purpose of life. I wouldn’t change a thing, because He painted it to be so colourful and beautiful. 

I am blessed so much.

Truly.

Alhamdulillah.

And I pray everyone will be too as well.

*senyum*

Nothing Stays Constant

I’m here, back home in Malaysia.

I’ve written a whole draft of words but silly me for pressing the clear button and losing them all. Macam tu kot apabila segala amal hilang menjadi debu apabila tidak diniatkan kerana Allah.

***

I saw Ammar today. I cried. Real bad.

Trying to cover it, initially I went through all his medical adjuncts - his Tazocin drip, his feeding tube, his vitals monitor. I read through the nurses handover sheet and understood well what it meant describing his traumatic brain injury and the management they have given him so far. I cried terribly while reading it. Twas my first time seeing a GCS of 7 and to have it recorded in my brother’s own passover sheet - it was heartbreaking.

His eyes were open when I met him though I’m not sure if he recognises me. And although he could only smirk and grunt and cough, it felt as though we were having a conversation - him telling me that he hates it being here and that he wants to give the Camry driver a piece of his mind. Him telling me that it’s annoying having to be so chesty and phlegmy. There might also be a slight hint of him being afraid and agitated, as though the incident on that dreadful day was being relived again in his mind. Both his arms were restrained on the wrist as he can become pretty confused at times, so that he doesn’t fall and put extra injury on himself. 

I saw him. And that’s all that matters.

As I lay lying on the sofa in arwah maktok’s clothes and kain batik (after one whole day of KLIA-hospital-Hartamas-home), it seems as though Allah is teaching me a huge lesson of growing up every year since the start of my entrance into medical school. Arwah maktok, Bu, my previous flame, Ammar. All the events were dispersed from first year to final year. 

Qadrullah. Qadrullah yang menundukkan dan menguatkan.

I’m glad Dad is so calm, always reminding us that this is all in Allah’s plans

Kun fayakun, if He wants to make it be, it’ll be

Mummy tries so hard to keep herself steady, her stern face covering her constant worry for her second child

She would change places with him if she could, but alas, she can’t 

This test

Brought us closer as a family

Brought us closer to Allah

And despite such difficulties 

We are humbled by Your kindness Ya Allah 

For letting our beloved live so that we can still see him, talk to him and touch him till today

Allah,

Nothing is the same anymore

Nothing stays the same

Ammar, he’s never going to be the same

I know it

It’s sunnatullah

It’s the laws of the world You placed in

I’ve known that

The people in my life

Have all come and go

And I know too

Eventually it’ll be like that for me as well

Dan firmanNya, (2:155-157)

وَلَنَبْلُوَنَّكُم بِشَيْءٍ مِّنَ الْخَوْفِ وَالْجُوعِ وَنَقْصٍ مِّنَ الْأَمْوَالِ وَالْأَنفُسِ وَالثَّمَرَاتِ ۗ وَبَشِّرِ الصَّابِرِينَ

Demi sesungguhnya! Kami akan menguji kamu dengan sedikit perasaan takut (kepada musuh) dan (dengan merasai) kelaparan, dan (dengan berlakunya) kekurangan dari harta benda dan jiwa serta hasil tanaman. Dan berilah khabar gembira kepada orang-orang yang sabar:

الَّذِينَ إِذَا أَصَابَتْهُم مُّصِيبَةٌ قَالُوا إِنَّا لِلَّهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ

(Iaitu) orang-orang yang apabila mereka ditimpa oleh sesuatu kesusahan, mereka berkata: "Sesungguhnya kami adalah kepunyaan Allah dan kepada Allah jualah kami kembali."

أُولَٰئِكَ عَلَيْهِمْ صَلَوَاتٌ مِّن رَّبِّهِمْ وَرَحْمَةٌ ۖ وَأُولَٰئِكَ هُمُ الْمُهْتَدُونَ

Mereka itu ialah orang-orang yang dilimpahi dengan berbagai-bagai kebaikan dari Tuhan mereka serta rahmatNya; dan mereka itulah orang-orang yang dapat petunjuk hidayahNya.

Ia adalah kebaikan

Semua yg Kau beri adalah kebaikan

I believe in Your plans Ya Allah

I believe that You’ll make Ammar a better man

I believe in the miracles that You make

And I believe You’ll bring justice to these kids and to those treacherous drivers that have murdered one innocent girl

Alhamdulillah wa astaghfirullah 

Subhanallah wabihamdihi

Peliharalah kami Ya Allah

Moga kami berusaha dalam batasMu, dan moga kami tidak tergolong dalam mereka yang menzalimi hakMu dan hak hamba-hambaMu