Dreams and Vomit

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Merciful, Most Gracious

Such a title

As always, being dramatic is so ingrained within me - it helps me joke around my life circumstances with dark humour

Anyhow,

Alhamdulillah I finally am writing this piece that I have been wanting to write since 3 weeks ago. A title I already have running around my head and the basic content of what I want to pen down (or type down if that makes any sense). Well to be honest, the first half was the original title. I had to add the second part because I feel so overwhelmed to the point of bloatedness and vomiting the stress out.

Today wasn't good. I lied down the whole day and was so down in the dumps - woke up feeling exhausted but still tried to pull through. Reheated yesterday's dinner for the family's lunch and slept with Ali after Zuhur curled up on the carpet with all the toys scattered around and the clothes unfolded, not dried in the washing machine. I didn't go to scan practicals today and felt such a loser for waking up late, extremely tired to even get up for a shower.

It was bad.

But I got up.

And I did shower, played with Ali and went to teach mengaji to the kids. Then I went to usrah all smiley-faced like nothing happened when in fact I was in such a situation that I was holding back my nausea while driving to Bangi.

It was that bad.

But khayr,

Alhamdulillah,

I survived 4th February.

So that's the vomit part, what about the dreams?

About two months ago, one of my good friends and personal therapist told me that I have forgotten to dream. The putting a life-goal and mission type of dream. I knew what I had to do in life - abid and khalifah and all - but I didn't have anything to look forward too. When I told her that I will be attending classes for ultrasound on obgyn, she was ecstatic for me - with a tinge of concern, because new addition to my schedule may help me look forward to life but I would need to prepare myself to deal with the new challenges that come with the added commitment.

January passed by and alhamdulillah I survived the hecticness. But during the first month of 2025, I find myself having repetitive dreams of certain people that actually have not been in my life for nearly a decade. And that, caused me to be half annoyed, a quarter confused and a quarter curious.

Like...

Dah kenapa kan?

It came haunting almost every other night that I told myself I had to put an end to it.

And so I did.

I really did something random.

And right afterwards (together with a lot of introspection and reflection) stopped the dreams and made amends with myself - because you only dream what you desire innit?

I find myself searching for support

For comfort

And for appreciation

For space and for reciprocal yearning

That I felt was lost during the period of January up till now

Maybe even longer (because them dreams actually started even since last year)

I told myself - with the help of Allah guiding my lost soul - that I need to make peace with myself and my current state

And I come back to seek solace and support by reading books

With the one book that hit home - Rukun Amal IHAB by Dr Ali Abdul Halim Mahmud

Videos of women from Ghazzah who are so steadfast shook me

And reminded me of my core, my purpose, and my ultimate goal

Allah.

I have sacrificed so much since the start of getting to know You, Ya Rabb

And You have given me so much more that I could ever ask for

So everyday when shaytan goes and whisper (sometimes he even gives visuals or use a microphone to bicker my mind and thoughts), I tell myself to be grateful for what You have given

Because You will truly add on them

And You will truly piece back what I found lost and what I yearn

It's okay

It will be okay
And I don't need humans to remind me of it

When I have You with me always

Ya Rabb

Help me, protect me, aid me and allow me to only suffice with You

Hasbunallah wa ni'ma wakeel

P.S: Again, this post is just word vommit.
If you've come this far, please make du'a for me (nanti will be prayed back at you by the angels :'))

The Devil's Plan

 Alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah

I am alive, breathing and having my full body intact in one piece. Alhamdulillah I have my family with me, my son and husband, my akhwats, my job, clothes and a roof to shelter upon. I am blessed, I am blessed, I am blessed.

Today started of pretty well, I am slowly recovering from my nightmare in October - one month passed, and now we're entering December. I woke up refreshed, did the laundry and folded some clothes. I prepared to go to work, arrived and received a call.

It was the call I never wanted to receive but I did. It was about a patient I did my detail scan on, my heart sank.

Everyday I feel like shaytan is trying to trick me into doing things I shouldn't do and feeling emotions I shouldn't have. Tests after tests Allah is putting me in, surely is to humble me and make me break so that I can finally bend only to Allah's will.

I am afraid
I am down
I feel like I want to have a full blow breakdown

But I am trying to hold unto whatever small hope I may have, the hope that stems from Allah, the hope that Allah will show me the way and bring me to the right path.

What is done, is done
I cannot undo this
But I can learn from it and move forward

I am still healing yes
But I will not fall into the Devil's plan to make me lose hope
Biiznillah

Ya Allah, I am forever unable to protect myself from my nafs or the whispers of shaytan without Your everlasting protection and guidance
Ya Allah, do not let me look at the negatives, allow me to embrace this test so that I can practice my sabr and shukr
Ya Allah, I am ever weak and You are the Most Powerful, You hold the hearts of people and only You can give strength to help us during our darkest times

Stare

Today felt a bit better

I started what I had to start 

Alhamdulillah

Biiznillah

It was a bit better

But as the night crawls

And I began to remember how weak I am for just 'resting' at home, I start to stare deep into space

As these words unfold into my mind

Words that are actually non-existent

Silence

.

.

.

Yes, it's actually silence

InshaAllah

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day

Giving Up

I lost count of how many times I cried this week. This horrible mess that I am entangled in, this ever selfless and self-sacrificing nature of myself that I am beginning to detest, the irritability towards people around me that I can no longer bear, and the lack of sleep - lack of luster - lack of positivity - that is shrouding me.

I have come to see that there seems no reason any more for me to continue this stressful life. And when I sent out a message of forsaking my life, wishing for it to be taken by fire, one of my most beloved replied with a barrage of words as though this was nonsensical and that I am being a selfish youth, an irresponsible adult cum mother cum wife, an ungrateful human being, a disgrace to mankind.

There was no...

Are you okay?

What happened?

If it was illness of the body, they rush to me with bags of soup and warm-cooked meals. When it is illness of the mind and the heart, they simply shrug it off as though I'm a dimwit.

And I cried again

So bad

That's why I said

I don't need an MC - I did not faint, lose an arm, have lacerations all over my body, or bleeding a limb out. 

I cried

And cried

And stopped

And got out of the car.

Finally,

And it took someone out of the family to tell me to go home, sleep, and rest.

I am tired Ya Allah

If its best that I die, take me on this blessed Friday. Leave my husband with a better wife, my son with a better mother.

I am tired.

I am tired.

Dear Me, I Miss You

 

I believe you are still there

That strong-willed daie

The woman that has decided to dedicate her life for the path of Allah

You are not lost
And how amazing it is that Allah is pulling you back to where you originally belonged

Sabr,

You can do this

You can shine with only Islam in your heart and dakwah in your hands

You can do this
And in this Ramadhan, let's make it happen

2024 it is

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful
5 Rejab 1445H

It is already a new year
And I haven't written a single post last year

Finished HO in November 2022

Then entered 2023, which just rapidly progressed 

6 months in Pahang

Another 6 in Bangi
And now we enter 2024, with the big 30 entering soon

I can't believe I am where I am now

Subhanallah
If I look back at the days that I've starting blogging

It has been almost 15 years 

Tak sangka
That 15 year old teenager

Has now grown to become a 30 years old adult

A mother

A wife

A doctor

But most importantly, she found her purpose

Subhanallah

Begitu indah perjalanan hidup aturan Allah

Hijrah to HPKK

(Long delayed post. Typing with Ali sleeping in my embrace on my tummy, surrounded by pillows to support my arms)

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

13 Ramadhan 1443H

Balakong

It was 15th of March. A bright Tuesday, Prof Azlin's post-take day with 7 patients in 4A and 6 patients in 4E. MashaAllah, we had our work cut out for us.

The morning started with us rambling through the new cases and arranging for their transfer to HPKK from HCTM. With Prof Wong's sudden morning visit to the ward, we were already 'motivated' to get it done as quick as possible. MOs and HOs all crowded the counter and patient cubicles to get their history straight and formulating appropriate plans before furiously typing on the PC, Ipads, laptops, the discharge summary of these patients. It was a memorable morning, we all worked together hand-in-hand to get things done stat. And we did it, hamdulillah :)

Afterwards, once all the patients were transferred, we ourselves have to manouvre ourselves to our new office in HPKK. And having 1 peri patient in 4F didn't help much (haha). Since I have been seeing the little bub for the past few days, I volunteered myself to help settle her discharge summary and discharge plans to make sure this baby whom have been hospitalised for more than 3 months since her birth, a quick discharge in the next few days. Being 34 weeks pregnant and counting proved to be a challenged as I drag my enormous belly to and fro, HPKK-HCTM-HPKK until I went back home late at 10pm with the help of Auni who was kind enough to send me all the way home. Luckily Hazwan was around to settle ward work in the day while I hilang-hilang in between settling stuff in HCTM. Later in the evening I just continued my AMX shift with Edna, Pei Wern and Auni. (Thanks kawan-kawan) That night Auni sent me back home - after another trip to ward 4K from HPKK - as zauj had to present an important talk. I was touched by this kind soul, may Allah bless you Auni (insert teary-eyed emoji)

Once I reached home I was already so exhausted and almost wanted to take an MC the next day. But me being me, I didn’t. So zauj had to bear with my leg cramps, sore back and whining until I went to work the next day. 

Then it was 16th March. 1st day functioning in HPKK from morning till evening. I was AM that day and due for my written exams the next day. Finishing paeds in 3 weeks, I was confident inshaAllah that I will get this posting done and then apply for my maternity leave once I started in ED. The day was fairly smooth alhamdulillah - inserting branulas and blood taking of kiddies with the couple Hazwan and Aquilah. That said, I had a weird sensation in my lower tummy. As though a sort of pressure is building up near my pubic region until I got extremely cautious whenever I had to make that trip to the toilet - afraid that baby Ali (nauzubillah) would suddenly appear. I was 34w4d at this point of time.

Before ending my shift, two of my MOs who were both concerned and shocked that I would still be oncall tomorrow joked on the fact that if I still go on a walking frenzy, my child may come out anytime. I laughed it off but then those tummy sensations sure are getting me worried.

Finished my shift at 5PM and zauj picked me up hamdulillah. Arrived home ready to study and be prepared for tomorrow’s written exam.

Then, it slowly happened..