Stare

Today felt a bit better

I started what I had to start 

Alhamdulillah

Biiznillah

It was a bit better

But as the night crawls

And I began to remember how weak I am for just 'resting' at home, I start to stare deep into space

As these words unfold into my mind

Words that are actually non-existent

Silence

.

.

.

Yes, it's actually silence

InshaAllah

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day

Giving Up

I lost count of how many times I cried this week. This horrible mess that I am entangled in, this ever selfless and self-sacrificing nature of myself that I am beginning to detest, the irritability towards people around me that I can no longer bear, and the lack of sleep - lack of luster - lack of positivity - that is shrouding me.

I have come to see that there seems no reason any more for me to continue this stressful life. And when I sent out a message of forsaking my life, wishing for it to be taken by fire, one of my most beloved replied with a barrage of words as though this was nonsensical and that I am being a selfish youth, an irresponsible adult cum mother cum wife, an ungrateful human being, a disgrace to mankind.

There was no...

Are you okay?

What happened?

If it was illness of the body, they rush to me with bags of soup and warm-cooked meals. When it is illness of the mind and the heart, they simply shrug it off as though I'm a dimwit.

And I cried again

So bad

That's why I said

I don't need an MC - I did not faint, lose an arm, have lacerations all over my body, or bleeding a limb out. 

I cried

And cried

And stopped

And got out of the car.

Finally,

And it took someone out of the family to tell me to go home, sleep, and rest.

I am tired Ya Allah

If its best that I die, take me on this blessed Friday. Leave my husband with a better wife, my son with a better mother.

I am tired.

I am tired.

Dear Me, I Miss You

 

I believe you are still there

That strong-willed daie

The woman that has decided to dedicate her life for the path of Allah

You are not lost
And how amazing it is that Allah is pulling you back to where you originally belonged

Sabr,

You can do this

You can shine with only Islam in your heart and dakwah in your hands

You can do this
And in this Ramadhan, let's make it happen

2024 it is

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful
5 Rejab 1445H

It is already a new year
And I haven't written a single post last year

Finished HO in November 2022

Then entered 2023, which just rapidly progressed 

6 months in Pahang

Another 6 in Bangi
And now we enter 2024, with the big 30 entering soon

I can't believe I am where I am now

Subhanallah
If I look back at the days that I've starting blogging

It has been almost 15 years 

Tak sangka
That 15 year old teenager

Has now grown to become a 30 years old adult

A mother

A wife

A doctor

But most importantly, she found her purpose

Subhanallah

Begitu indah perjalanan hidup aturan Allah

Hijrah to HPKK

(Long delayed post. Typing with Ali sleeping in my embrace on my tummy, surrounded by pillows to support my arms)

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

13 Ramadhan 1443H

Balakong

It was 15th of March. A bright Tuesday, Prof Azlin's post-take day with 7 patients in 4A and 6 patients in 4E. MashaAllah, we had our work cut out for us.

The morning started with us rambling through the new cases and arranging for their transfer to HPKK from HCTM. With Prof Wong's sudden morning visit to the ward, we were already 'motivated' to get it done as quick as possible. MOs and HOs all crowded the counter and patient cubicles to get their history straight and formulating appropriate plans before furiously typing on the PC, Ipads, laptops, the discharge summary of these patients. It was a memorable morning, we all worked together hand-in-hand to get things done stat. And we did it, hamdulillah :)

Afterwards, once all the patients were transferred, we ourselves have to manouvre ourselves to our new office in HPKK. And having 1 peri patient in 4F didn't help much (haha). Since I have been seeing the little bub for the past few days, I volunteered myself to help settle her discharge summary and discharge plans to make sure this baby whom have been hospitalised for more than 3 months since her birth, a quick discharge in the next few days. Being 34 weeks pregnant and counting proved to be a challenged as I drag my enormous belly to and fro, HPKK-HCTM-HPKK until I went back home late at 10pm with the help of Auni who was kind enough to send me all the way home. Luckily Hazwan was around to settle ward work in the day while I hilang-hilang in between settling stuff in HCTM. Later in the evening I just continued my AMX shift with Edna, Pei Wern and Auni. (Thanks kawan-kawan) That night Auni sent me back home - after another trip to ward 4K from HPKK - as zauj had to present an important talk. I was touched by this kind soul, may Allah bless you Auni (insert teary-eyed emoji)

Once I reached home I was already so exhausted and almost wanted to take an MC the next day. But me being me, I didn’t. So zauj had to bear with my leg cramps, sore back and whining until I went to work the next day. 

Then it was 16th March. 1st day functioning in HPKK from morning till evening. I was AM that day and due for my written exams the next day. Finishing paeds in 3 weeks, I was confident inshaAllah that I will get this posting done and then apply for my maternity leave once I started in ED. The day was fairly smooth alhamdulillah - inserting branulas and blood taking of kiddies with the couple Hazwan and Aquilah. That said, I had a weird sensation in my lower tummy. As though a sort of pressure is building up near my pubic region until I got extremely cautious whenever I had to make that trip to the toilet - afraid that baby Ali (nauzubillah) would suddenly appear. I was 34w4d at this point of time.

Before ending my shift, two of my MOs who were both concerned and shocked that I would still be oncall tomorrow joked on the fact that if I still go on a walking frenzy, my child may come out anytime. I laughed it off but then those tummy sensations sure are getting me worried.

Finished my shift at 5PM and zauj picked me up hamdulillah. Arrived home ready to study and be prepared for tomorrow’s written exam.

Then, it slowly happened..

Pages Written for You

 Dear Husband,

My forever home

My sanctuary

My respite

For the longest time I have always thought that I have constantly been on the receiving end - whilst you have consistently showered me with unending kindness, thoughtfulness and sacrifices. I’m not sure if I exxagerate this, I’m not sure if this writing would eventually churn up all the food you ate throughout the day. But I hope the sincerity in these words reaches you.

Bismillah.

…..

I have always been bad with surprises. For each consequent years spent celebrating your birthday, I would just come out with some ‘cheap’ presents and order up a cake that I discussed with you to share with the family. No element of surprise, no fancy dinner, no special outings. This has been a stark contrast as to what you will put up for my birthday - year by year, it gets better. You have always gone the extra mile, always giving more than you receive. 

If I count the numerous places you have brought me to on the multiple occassions even out of my birthday, the list would be too extensive and the whole world might just ‘kecam’ me for flaunting our adventures. This year, for your birthday, I kept thinking of what to get you. And as always, being that thrifty lady, I didn’t want to spend a mountain and I opted for something thoughtful yet customised so it’ll be special only for you.

Sadly (and very disappointing), the gift arrived super late and your special day was spent with just cake that you didn’t entirely like (or hate). With Ali on board, I keep on feeling that what I’m bringing to you on the table in our husband-wife relationship has been even lesser. You do all - the cleaning of my 8 breastpumping cups, Ali’s bottles, midnight oncalls with Ali, registering him at JPN, KK visits, relinquishing my food cravings, driving me everywhere. If I keep on writing I might just burst into tears.

You give so much.

Allah is giving me so much.

I’m not good at surprises. Even this write-up may not be enough as to compare with all the gifts you have showered me.

Abang,

I am not a good wife. I always say the worst words, sometimes I may even blurt out words you and I both despise. I comment on the smallest error you make when you cherish me in my ugliest moments. 

With Ali, I have had less time to cook for you a storm like I used to. I hope I can still do that even when I start working, even when Ali starts screaming wanting me to hold him always. I want to give the best for you, and keep trying despite my shortcomings like what you have always done for me.

Barakallahufeek for being the qawwam in our small family, for protecting me and Ali, for loving my parents and grandparents, for guiding me during all those anger moments I have, for allowing me to attend all my DnT events and supporting my choices.

Abang,

You are such an amazing person. And I know that despite all the many hurdles you will face in the future, you’ll pull through inshaAllah. I pray Allah grants you barokah, happiness, health and wealth. You deserve the highest of Jannah for all that you have done, and all you will do.

Happy 28th birthday abang. 143

Pregnancy - A Recap

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

18 Shaaban 1443H

Seri Kembangan

7.00pm

I have been procrastinating writing this post about pregnancy since my 26th week POA as I try to find the exact and proper time to sit down comfortably with just one thing in mind - to write. Alhamdulillah finally after delivering Ali, that time came (took you so long Sabr haha).

I wanted to write down of how my body is ever changing

How I don’t feel like myself everyday

How my legs ache every morning as I scream out loud withstanding the stabbing pain

How big my tummy is growing 

And how Ali keeps turning topsy turvy in my belly until I feel like vomiting

It started with taking about 4 pregnancy tests because I couldn’t believe that I was pregnant. This happened after finishing my 3rd posting in Medical and entering my 3rd week in O&G. And to be slightly more precise, it happened after I told my parents of how stressful I was being a doctor, how disrespectful-unfair-ridiculous the SNs are to taggers (walaupun we oll ni manusia jugak kotttt) and with all these stressors how can I ever get pregnant despite me trying for it. Tup tup, a few days later I had the urge to check my pregnancy status because I have been 3 weeks later for my period.

And it was positive.

At first, I didn’t believe it. Used another one, positive. Showed to my husband. We were both stunned, in a good way, and as to not put our hopes up decided to get a more expensive test kit tomorrow to confirm. It came out positive. Subhanallah, walhamdulillah wa la ilaha ila Allah, Allahuakbar. Before sharing it with the fam, we wanted to get our little baby seen on the scan first - but after 3 visits to the GP, we still fail to see our budding little seed. Amer was anxious, I was pretty chill because I have yet to put my hopes on the baby - afraid it may not survive through or maybe it was a false alarm and the bHCG positive on the multiple pregnancy tests done actually came from an ectopic area, maybe cancer (grim jokes really).

We first shared the news with my side of the family on Baba’s birthday (I was 7w at this time based on LMP) and then subsequently to Amer’s fam on our 2nd anniversary (9w here). But during those two occassions, we haven’t seen our little baby on scan yet. Finally, on my TCA to open my pink book (11w based on LMP), the drs did a TVS scan and wallahi, our little baby was there growing well all along subhanallah. 

That was the start of Allah’s miracle unfolding in my tummy bit by bit. I then went through my 4 months in O&G with this small child, finally knowing that it was a boy during detail scan at the 20th week. :) There were days when I was so tired that after work I would just lie down and sleep with my work clothes on, sometimes without taking dinner. And there will be times when I have to sit down in between morning rounds at the procedure room to prevent myself from fainting. Nights oncall were sometimes dreadful as I experienced the worse nausea any pregnant lady had to go through, frequenting the toilet just to vomit air and at the odd times, dinner. There will be days where my Registrars would freak out because I would sound like I’m panting while assisting them in the OT. I would just laugh it off saying that it’s my baseline (which is true) and continue retracting as usual.

I never run away from my work, unless I really can’t then I will tell my colleagues to help me for a bit before I myself clean up the work left. I still go back late sometimes, even up till 9-10pm. Still get scolded, still enter all those PUI OTs (but not COVID OTs la ever nauzubillah huhu). Alhamdulillah, 4 months passed in O&G and I entered paediatrics - of which I dreaded at first, but the posting grew on me and I have learned to embrace the subject matter with more love and interest every single day. With scary yet wise consultants, respectable and helpful MOs, kind and understanding colleagues, I really enjoyed my paediatrics posting till the end (and it’s sad that I was unable to finish it on time due to reasons I will share in my upcoming posts).

Then, hijrah to HPKK happened.