The Devil's Plan

 Alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah

I am alive, breathing and having my full body intact in one piece. Alhamdulillah I have my family with me, my son and husband, my akhwats, my job, clothes and a roof to shelter upon. I am blessed, I am blessed, I am blessed.

Today started of pretty well, I am slowly recovering from my nightmare in October - one month passed, and now we're entering December. I woke up refreshed, did the laundry and folded some clothes. I prepared to go to work, arrived and received a call.

It was the call I never wanted to receive but I did. It was about a patient I did my detail scan on, my heart sank.

Everyday I feel like shaytan is trying to trick me into doing things I shouldn't do and feeling emotions I shouldn't have. Tests after tests Allah is putting me in, surely is to humble me and make me break so that I can finally bend only to Allah's will.

I am afraid
I am down
I feel like I want to have a full blow breakdown

But I am trying to hold unto whatever small hope I may have, the hope that stems from Allah, the hope that Allah will show me the way and bring me to the right path.

What is done, is done
I cannot undo this
But I can learn from it and move forward

I am still healing yes
But I will not fall into the Devil's plan to make me lose hope
Biiznillah

Ya Allah, I am forever unable to protect myself from my nafs or the whispers of shaytan without Your everlasting protection and guidance
Ya Allah, do not let me look at the negatives, allow me to embrace this test so that I can practice my sabr and shukr
Ya Allah, I am ever weak and You are the Most Powerful, You hold the hearts of people and only You can give strength to help us during our darkest times

Stare

Today felt a bit better

I started what I had to start 

Alhamdulillah

Biiznillah

It was a bit better

But as the night crawls

And I began to remember how weak I am for just 'resting' at home, I start to stare deep into space

As these words unfold into my mind

Words that are actually non-existent

Silence

.

.

.

Yes, it's actually silence

InshaAllah

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day

Giving Up

I lost count of how many times I cried this week. This horrible mess that I am entangled in, this ever selfless and self-sacrificing nature of myself that I am beginning to detest, the irritability towards people around me that I can no longer bear, and the lack of sleep - lack of luster - lack of positivity - that is shrouding me.

I have come to see that there seems no reason any more for me to continue this stressful life. And when I sent out a message of forsaking my life, wishing for it to be taken by fire, one of my most beloved replied with a barrage of words as though this was nonsensical and that I am being a selfish youth, an irresponsible adult cum mother cum wife, an ungrateful human being, a disgrace to mankind.

There was no...

Are you okay?

What happened?

If it was illness of the body, they rush to me with bags of soup and warm-cooked meals. When it is illness of the mind and the heart, they simply shrug it off as though I'm a dimwit.

And I cried again

So bad

That's why I said

I don't need an MC - I did not faint, lose an arm, have lacerations all over my body, or bleeding a limb out. 

I cried

And cried

And stopped

And got out of the car.

Finally,

And it took someone out of the family to tell me to go home, sleep, and rest.

I am tired Ya Allah

If its best that I die, take me on this blessed Friday. Leave my husband with a better wife, my son with a better mother.

I am tired.

I am tired.

Dear Me, I Miss You

 

I believe you are still there

That strong-willed daie

The woman that has decided to dedicate her life for the path of Allah

You are not lost
And how amazing it is that Allah is pulling you back to where you originally belonged

Sabr,

You can do this

You can shine with only Islam in your heart and dakwah in your hands

You can do this
And in this Ramadhan, let's make it happen

2024 it is

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful
5 Rejab 1445H

It is already a new year
And I haven't written a single post last year

Finished HO in November 2022

Then entered 2023, which just rapidly progressed 

6 months in Pahang

Another 6 in Bangi
And now we enter 2024, with the big 30 entering soon

I can't believe I am where I am now

Subhanallah
If I look back at the days that I've starting blogging

It has been almost 15 years 

Tak sangka
That 15 year old teenager

Has now grown to become a 30 years old adult

A mother

A wife

A doctor

But most importantly, she found her purpose

Subhanallah

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