Nothing Stays Constant

I’m here, back home in Malaysia.

I’ve written a whole draft of words but silly me for pressing the clear button and losing them all. Macam tu kot apabila segala amal hilang menjadi debu apabila tidak diniatkan kerana Allah.

***

I saw Ammar today. I cried. Real bad.

Trying to cover it, initially I went through all his medical adjuncts - his Tazocin drip, his feeding tube, his vitals monitor. I read through the nurses handover sheet and understood well what it meant describing his traumatic brain injury and the management they have given him so far. I cried terribly while reading it. Twas my first time seeing a GCS of 7 and to have it recorded in my brother’s own passover sheet - it was heartbreaking.

His eyes were open when I met him though I’m not sure if he recognises me. And although he could only smirk and grunt and cough, it felt as though we were having a conversation - him telling me that he hates it being here and that he wants to give the Camry driver a piece of his mind. Him telling me that it’s annoying having to be so chesty and phlegmy. There might also be a slight hint of him being afraid and agitated, as though the incident on that dreadful day was being relived again in his mind. Both his arms were restrained on the wrist as he can become pretty confused at times, so that he doesn’t fall and put extra injury on himself. 

I saw him. And that’s all that matters.

As I lay lying on the sofa in arwah maktok’s clothes and kain batik (after one whole day of KLIA-hospital-Hartamas-home), it seems as though Allah is teaching me a huge lesson of growing up every year since the start of my entrance into medical school. Arwah maktok, Bu, my previous flame, Ammar. All the events were dispersed from first year to final year. 

Qadrullah. Qadrullah yang menundukkan dan menguatkan.

I’m glad Dad is so calm, always reminding us that this is all in Allah’s plans

Kun fayakun, if He wants to make it be, it’ll be

Mummy tries so hard to keep herself steady, her stern face covering her constant worry for her second child

She would change places with him if she could, but alas, she can’t 

This test

Brought us closer as a family

Brought us closer to Allah

And despite such difficulties 

We are humbled by Your kindness Ya Allah 

For letting our beloved live so that we can still see him, talk to him and touch him till today

Allah,

Nothing is the same anymore

Nothing stays the same

Ammar, he’s never going to be the same

I know it

It’s sunnatullah

It’s the laws of the world You placed in

I’ve known that

The people in my life

Have all come and go

And I know too

Eventually it’ll be like that for me as well

Dan firmanNya, (2:155-157)

وَلَنَبْلُوَنَّكُم بِشَيْءٍ مِّنَ الْخَوْفِ وَالْجُوعِ وَنَقْصٍ مِّنَ الْأَمْوَالِ وَالْأَنفُسِ وَالثَّمَرَاتِ ۗ وَبَشِّرِ الصَّابِرِينَ

Demi sesungguhnya! Kami akan menguji kamu dengan sedikit perasaan takut (kepada musuh) dan (dengan merasai) kelaparan, dan (dengan berlakunya) kekurangan dari harta benda dan jiwa serta hasil tanaman. Dan berilah khabar gembira kepada orang-orang yang sabar:

الَّذِينَ إِذَا أَصَابَتْهُم مُّصِيبَةٌ قَالُوا إِنَّا لِلَّهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ

(Iaitu) orang-orang yang apabila mereka ditimpa oleh sesuatu kesusahan, mereka berkata: "Sesungguhnya kami adalah kepunyaan Allah dan kepada Allah jualah kami kembali."

أُولَٰئِكَ عَلَيْهِمْ صَلَوَاتٌ مِّن رَّبِّهِمْ وَرَحْمَةٌ ۖ وَأُولَٰئِكَ هُمُ الْمُهْتَدُونَ

Mereka itu ialah orang-orang yang dilimpahi dengan berbagai-bagai kebaikan dari Tuhan mereka serta rahmatNya; dan mereka itulah orang-orang yang dapat petunjuk hidayahNya.

Ia adalah kebaikan

Semua yg Kau beri adalah kebaikan

I believe in Your plans Ya Allah

I believe that You’ll make Ammar a better man

I believe in the miracles that You make

And I believe You’ll bring justice to these kids and to those treacherous drivers that have murdered one innocent girl

Alhamdulillah wa astaghfirullah 

Subhanallah wabihamdihi

Peliharalah kami Ya Allah

Moga kami berusaha dalam batasMu, dan moga kami tidak tergolong dalam mereka yang menzalimi hakMu dan hak hamba-hambaMu

Kak Ejat

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

9 Rabiul 'Awal 1440H
3.42pm
Dublin Mosque

Today is the last evening Kak Ejat will be spending in Dublin and it is thus the last time we'll be seeing here in this country. Esok Kak Ejat akan BFG, an ordeal that was delayed for her for more than a year as she had to struggle through so many hurdles Allah planned for her. Writing this I feel a pang of sadness as I remember the beginning of our friendship, our sisterhood and our everlasting bonding fillah.

The first time I met Kak Ejat was in Uxbridge, it was just an instant meet-up and I never did catch anything about herself other than a glance of how she looked like. She was in her third year and I was still young and fresh, just a few months coming to this foreign land. She was my saviour during that Spring Camp in 2015 when her wrap-up for our daurah was the best pengisian there was in a place that I felt so disconnected to the fikrah Islam that I am so proud of.

With her leaving the country, South Circular Road has become even lonelier. I have said goodbye to Kak Fikah two years ago, my PMC-mates, Zumaro, the sisters that I love and respect all over Ireland. Seeing this place that has always become my refuge since first year, bit by bit lose its inhabitants that made it so special, I do feel very sad and lonely.

Macam ni kot perasaan ustaz when he walks down memory lane, replaying all his videos of the ikhwahs he met in Ireland. All the mutarabbis he had in UKE. And as he remember each and every one of their names, they might not want to even remember their time with tarbiyyah.

It's a sad melancholy feeling.
Rasa sayu.
Rasa rindu.

Kak Ejat will be leaving the country. And with her leaving, being a final year medical student, being kakak (undergrad) paling tua yang membawa liqa' di bumi UKE is finally sinking in. Reality strikes, and it's time to grow up.

Kak Ejat will always have a soft spot in my heart - how she smiles and make jokes, how we share our funny 'Mat Sabu' moments, how she can be very serious in planning our DnT and all her wise words and advice for me. I'll definitely miss you Kak Ejat, as how I will always miss Kak Wani, Kak Yaya, Kak Mina and Kak Fikah. Uhibbukifillah ukhti, may Allah protect you always and keep you in this path lillahi ta'ala.

Jangan tenggelam tau kak! Timbul, bahkan berenanglah~

Futur

Sedih.

Kerja menangis je malam ni.

Sebab rasa jauh sgt dgn kekasih hati, rasa jauh sgt dgn Tuhan yg memegang nyawa di tanganNya.

Sedih.

Kerja menangis tak henti.

Sebab rasa rindu dgn perasaan akrab waktu dahi sujud ke tanah dalam setiap solat lima waktu.

Sedih.

Kerja menangis je mengimbau kembali.

Semua kenangan yg telah Allah bagi, kemanisan iman yg Allah anugerahkan.

Sedih.

Sebab futur,

Sebab jauh,

Sebab jatuh.

Mohon doakan seorang Sabreena agar mampu kembali dgn hati yg bersih dan jernih. Sebab kita tak tahu kan, bila ajal kan menjemput.

#tazkiyahseorangsabr

All Is Well

Bimillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

25 Safar 1440H
10.41pm
Castlebar

I haven't been writing for ages though so many things have happened in the span of 2 months that I'm back in Ireland. Kisah suka duka stress pecah kepala in DnT, kisah penat tak faham rasa dumb-dumb in studies. Kisah terharu sedih sebak dengan segala tarbiyah yang telah Allah susun utk seorang Sabreena. Kisah pembersihan dan penyucian terhadap niat dan perasaan membina adik-adik takwin.

Kadang-kadang blur dan tak faham bila orang taknak kita bersemangat.

Kadang-kadang blur dan tak faham bila orang down tapi tetap tegar taknak bergerak.

Banyak garu kepala,

Tapi aku yakin, perlu lagi banyak berdoa dan memberi motivasi.

I don't understand many things now. But I know one thing for sure that God does. And so for everytime I feel like vomiting 'fire' out of my mouth, I will remember that the state that I should be in is the calmness of the ocean and the gentle breeze of the wind.

I can only control myself, and at times, I can't even do that.

So dear Allah The Almighty, The Knower of every heart, The All-Seeing, The Knowledgeable. Please heal those souls that I can't mend. Please allow them to find comfort in the pain.

May Allah continue to guide everyone and may we be reunited in Jannah as muttaqeens.

A Day with Dr Brosnan

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

22 Dzulhijjah 1439H
5.30pm
Mayo Medical Academy

I know I haven't been writing for months and I know I have not yet fulfilled my summer break writing lists and I know I am back here already in Castlebar for my final year in medicine and I know I'm here in the academy to study, but before I go on doing anything amazing in my Oxford handbook or lamenting on the guilt I've had for being extra lazy in creating any legitimate posts in my blog for ages, I'd like to share a bit about my day with Dr Brosnan - our only endocrinologist in Mayo General Hospital.

Coming from Kerry originally, I believe Dr Brosnan's family is however staying in the US - or maybe just part of her family - and she has been back in 2008 after 15 years of working in Penang, Malaysia. She caught my attention when I heard from many of our student colleagues that she was an excellent teacher and a brilliant doctor, always eager to teach. The fact that she's an endocrinologist boosted my enthusiasm even more because I've always taken a liking to the long-term care of diabetic patients, treating it as a call to specialise in endocrinology, if not psychiatry or infectious disease (this is a new calling thanks to Dr Holmes, haha). But today, was simply fantastic that I couldn't be more grateful to Allah for the wonderful time I had with her in the clinic up in Ballina.

She lived up to all the expectations people had of her. She was amazing.

Now, I'm not just saying that she's an exceptionally well-trained doctor and that she's super helpful in teaching me loads during the clinic. What makes her such an amazing person is because of the vast knowledge that she has surrounding politics, history, culture and medicine. She follows the political news in Malaysia even after leaving the country for 10 years, and she even knows politics in Pakistan and India, not to mention her in-depth knowledge of Pakistan and India's famous political families - the Bhuttos and Ghandis respectively. I am amazed, shocked and delighted altogether. Being an Irish, she knows her roots really well and whenever we pass by a monument or a monastery or even a river, she sounds like she knows quite a sum of knowledge about these places. Makes you really adore her even more.

Doctors like Dr Brosnan keep me motivated to not only finish my medical study, but also to be a part of the medical profession that contributes wholeheartedly to make a better world - not only for a better Malaysia. How she displays herself to me and Dr Uwais (our Pakistani SHO who also did a tremendous job at finishing clinic today) just shows the magnitude of what knowledge can do to a person. All the good attributes she had - her kindness, her tolerance, her patience and her expert opinion all came from the surplus of knowledge she had about the world and its inhabitants. It makes you an amazing human being, a respectable one, a well-mannered and brilliant individual.

I might be admiring her to the roof now but I really must say that she's a perfect example of what a daie should be. She talks first before we talk, putting out the issues of our home country to become the basis of our conversation. Making intelligent adult-talk and not just trashing people here and there. She brings about her analysis of the things that we are concerned about in our homeland and then allows us to become better colleagues of her as we become more comfortable to talk and work together on the mission at hand - handling diabetics in county Mayo. I don't think you'll ever be bored with Dr Brosnan, she's full of pearls that are waiting to be harvested. She attracts you so much that you're left with an impact strong enough to make you want to do what you have to do better - a medical student, soon to be a doctor.

And imagine if all of us daie were to take her as an example to follow, we'd be amazing at spreading the Deen! I believe that there is so many things that can be learned when you take time to really venture on life, let it be travelling to new places and meeting new people. Becoming a kera sumbang, gets you nowhere. But putting yourself out there to explore the world, and putting all your heart to it will make you become an even more abiding servant to Allah - more motivated to make change, more enthusiastic to work hard.

Now I know what to say to school kids whenever I do meet them to give a talk about furthering their studies and not being a delinquent, also what to talk to akhwat when it comes to excelling your area of study.

Knowledge will make you wise, and you will, without doubt gain respect from it.

So go to college and university to gain knowledge, to be a better person, not just for the sake of getting a job. 

Cultivate yourself to the maximum, you only have one you to work on, so make the best out of this world because God made it for you.

Learn, keep on learning everyday. Empower yourself with knowledge, you WILL be loved.

And finally..

There is, definitely no point in being rich but stupid.

But there is so much wonder in being a wise individual that can shake hearts and plant the seeds of change in others.

With that, I'm heading the books now peeps. Hoping to make a better muslimah out of ma-self rather than being rampantly lazy every now and again.

Bismillahi tawakkal tu ala Allah.

Prove Your Worth

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

12.24pm
26 Syawal 1439 H
Balakong

In another 44 days I will be returning to Ireland inshaAllah. In another 48 days I will be starting my final year in NUIG inshaAllah. And after all that has happened to brought me to where I am today, I seriously cannot believe it - I am entering my last year in Ireland. There is a mixture of feelings thinking about the future days to come, I can't really put my head to it yet, I don't even know what to name it. A sense of melancholy comes in waves when I think about leaving my bumi tarbiyyah, no longer being able to return to it anytime soon. The place where I had my most fond memories and also my most heartbreaking moments. The place where I grew in such an immense magnitude, the place where I started my baby steps as a medical student.

How can I ever not miss you Ireland? My chest feels tight already thinking of the notion.

Also, in another 341 days before I leave my bumi tarbiyah, what have I done for the past 4 years for this land? Was I ever able to appreciate what I had? Was I ever able to kembangkan tarbiyah sebaiknya dibumi ini? Or did I just ruin it and left it in shambles?

That to me, is a far more crucial and painstaking question to answer.

*deep breath in and out*

Just now I saw Kak Wani's Whatsapp status and her words just stabbed me straight into my core,

"Senjata kita cukup banyak, cuma kuasa keikhlasan masih lemah utk capai threshold kemenangan."

*one tear drops*

Hati ni rasa dah makin keras, sekeras-kerasnya.
Ayat Surah al-Hadid terngiang-ngiang di telinga selalu.
Jiwa ini dah rasa makin lemah, selemah-lemahnya.
And here I am telling myself that I am one of the frontliners for Ireland.
Am I actually kidding myself?

But muslims, muslims are not like this. We are the people of Alhamdulillah. We do not fret and have low self-esteem, we should not be. We have God with us at our every step. Though sometimes I am mostly ashamed of my doings, my sins and my misdeeds, I tell myself that if you can't compete with the good-doers for their deeds, the compete with the sinners with their forgiveness. This however said, is no longer a zone I should play around with anymore. I should step up my game, I should fight my evil thoughts, my personal desires and my selfish wants. I am already at a place where I should be serious with what I do, and not tremble at the meagre provocation the people around me feeds me.

I want to come back stronger Rabbi
Making this promise already frightens me, but I have to force myself to do this

Berbaki 341 hari lagi di bumi Ireland (inshaAllah), I have to make my presence worth it
Berbaki 341 hari lagi sebelum segala-galanya berubah untuk seorang Sabreena, I have to change my attitude

*deep breath in and out*

It's been 5 years since I had you dear blog, please continue to be the witness of my growth and progress aite?

Distractions

Reminders

Benefits the believer

Katakanlah (wahai Muhammad): "Jika bapa-bapa kamu, dan anak-anak kamu, dan saudara-saudara kamu, dan isteri-isteri (atau suami-suami) kamu, dan kaum keluarga kamu, dan harta benda yang kamu usahakan, dan perniagaan yang kamu bimbang akan merosot, dan rumah-rumah tempat tinggal yang kamu sukai, - (jika semuanya itu) menjadi perkara-perkara yang kamu cintai lebih daripada Allah dan RasulNya dan (daripada) berjihad untuk agamaNya, maka tunggulah sehingga Allah mendatangkan keputusanNya (azab seksaNya); kerana Allah tidak akan memberi petunjuk kepada orang-orang yang fasik (derhaka)

Future Hubs

As silly as this sound, I promised myself to be honest kan? So here goes..

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

Alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah

I begin my speech with thanks to you for choosing me among the many women that could be your wife

I am full of flaws and I am not perfect in any way possible

I cannot guarantee you anything other than my willingness to try each and everyday of my life to be better, to love you and to care for you, for our family

I will be strong for Allah’s sake because I chose to come into this marriage with a zeal to build a long-lasting one

Filled with barakah, sakinah, mawaddah and rahmah

My CV might not be as great as yours

But my motivation, though it fluctuates, will always be due to my decision to be His loyal slave

And in that, I shall also be loyal to you

(More to come in the future when/if it becomes a reality)

*****

I am not, in any sense, wanting to return to the one that got away

I am, most definitely wanting to proceed with what Allah has planned for me

A plan I chose for myself, a plan I decided with His guidance

*smiles*

I am His first before anyone else

And I believe you are His too 

With that said future hubs,

Let’s be a great team. Be a good leader k?

With love and respect,

Your future wife.

Reminiscing Memories

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

1.01am

20 Syawal 1439H

Balakong

Today is a very touchy, feely day. I haven't reminisced for ages, always caught up with focusing on the future. And that's not me.

Frankly speaking, I've stopped all activities and thoughts of reminiscing because the past hurts a lot. A lot. And because of that I'm not able to enjoy it (reminiscing) to the fullest, I have no one to share it with that can appreciate it the same way I do. The beautiful days pains me, the memories that I revisit would usually cause my chest to tighten and this lump, this heavy feeling surrounds it ever so often. Some songs I can never hear again, some places are so hard to just pass by.

Now, now is the time where I just silence my thoughts. The time where I swallow this huge lump of burden and pray it leaves me after I fall asleep tonight.

I have always been sentimental. I hold memories and people dear to my heart though I'm very bad at catching up with everyone. Caring for people is second nature. I am at my best when I am able to honour these attributes of mine and actively engage with it. However, the events in life - though only a few - has restricted my usage of these qualities, making me shut them away to the very core, turning me into a person that shows less care towards others, even to the ones I love.

You see, loving someone can either make you or break you. It could even do both.

With love, there is loss and the episode of loss that I face last year has robbed me of my ability to write. Pain and sadness brings me to write an endless story of shattered dreams. Happiness, gratefulness, memories, urges me to weave even more words that glorifies God. These two situations are like waves but last year's pain still resonates within me causing my fingers an inability to celebrate the happy episodes of life as I fear that when I indulge in the perks of being happy, my downfall would be too hard to face. I sound like I'm a young brat that's wallowing in her sadness, you'd probably want to slap me and say, "Hey, get over it la dude!"

But truth to be told, it's not always an easy feat. My murabbi tells me to not show my weak side, and ever since then I've been rock cold. I don't like it, to be honest. I don't like it having to hide myself in a shell because of this vulnerability, this fear. I want to love and I want to be happy. I want this ache to go away whenever I see that name, whenever I think about relationships, whenever I pass through malls and stay in car drives. I don't want to lie anymore, not to myself, not to the world.

I am me. 

God made me this way. 

So please dear Lord, let me use my vulnerability and turn it to strength, for You.

"Allah tidak menjadikan seseorang dua hati dalam rongganya.."

(Surah al-Ahzab, 33:4)

Ya Rabb, I can only pray for You to patch up my heart. I think I've devoted myself too much to my own feelings, my own betterment and my own ailments. My wounds are supposed to be for You, my joy is supposed to be with You and my sadness should be because of my ill deeds towards You. Whatever that I'm doing which is not for You, please forgive me for it. Erase the feelings that are unneeded, that are toxic and that are detrimental to my imaan. Let flourish the values and attributes that can make me a better slave of Yours, a better daie, a better daughter and a better sister. And when the day comes, allow me to be someone's better half that will complete half of his Deen. Grant me the strength to support him and the resilience to create a house full of abiding little muslims.

Ya Rabb, I am lost without You. Please don't ever leave me.

Always lost, yet always found by God,

Sabr.

Ramadhan Diaries: Pengislahan and Puffy Eyes

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

2.35am
15 Ramadhan 1439H
Balakong

Alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah. Finally, after 15 days of Ramadhan has passed and after almost one month of summer break, I am finally here on this favourite canvas of mine. So many events have passed - personally or nationally - since the last time I penned anything down in this blog of mine. I finished my final exams last month, PRU14 passed with the government changing, the start of another beautiful Ramadhan, my return to Malaysia and the beginning of my electives in UM.

Oh and not to mention the legalisation of abortion in Ireland. That'll be a change in medical practices soon in the country I study.

Anyhow, in this blessed month of Ramadhan, I hope everyone is not excited for me to write anything inspirational because I'm not planning on doing so (haha). Well, instead this will be just raw material of what I'm going through right now. It's a tough, tough time battling to protect your imaan and I'd like to say it's like a walk in the park but apparently it's not as easy as it sounds like - not even for me. And eventhough the shaytaan are chained and they are nowhere to be seen whispering evil deeds to you but the mark they left for the past 11 months beforehand are imprinted real good. It's saddening because I thought I came prepared for Ramadhan this year but alas, Allah knows best. Even this disheartening moment for me is an episode in Allah's tarbiyah for myself - to teach me of my weakness and His ultimate Power.

And I know I'm going to be 24 soon but that age is just too much for me to change to become someone that I am not. I understand that with the coming age, comes more accountability - not only because of the age itself - but also with the many knowledge I have obtained, the responsibilities I am shouldering now and to come, as well as the expansion of my duty as a muslim. Bukan lagi hanya diri kau yang perlu kau fikirkan Sabreena, bahkan jauh lagi ramai orang memerlukan kebaikan kau.

Akhir kalam, I'm not having puffy eyes because I was crying. I just slept too much. Nak kata betapa mengikut khutuwat shaytan lahai (please jangan salahkan jetlag dah k wahai diri haha).

I'm nowhere near to writing like an intellectual, mature and well-versed adult but I'm getting there. And I don't write to impress, sorry. Though it would be smart for me to comment on current issues and relay my stand on several topics, I don't like having my story shared and publicized the wrong way. I will speak my own voice in my own way, and I will be who I always am to others what I am to myself.

Honest and kind.

Thank you for the wait to whoever that waits for my writing. I am blessed to have you pray for my comeback. Now pray that I end up to be a human that benefits the world - I am by far God's wakeel in this worldly life. Pray that I do a good job at least - aha.

May the next few days of Ramadhan left brings us closer to Him.

Ameen.
:)

Phosphenes: Sampai ke Hari Tua

The night was quite cold for a place as warm as Malaysia. It was already 11pm when the door opened slowly as he came back home finding her reading diligently, multiple papers and books spreading in front of her, so focused on whatever reading material she had.

"Assalamualaikum.."

"Oh, dah balik? Waalaikumussalam wrh."

Her smiled made him melt all over again, and his presence back home just lighten the atmosphere surrounding her.

'Pening kepala jadi muwajjih ni, banyak kena fikir.'

She came walking to the door and greeted him with a salam.

"Sibuk nampak."

"Not as much as you medical student."

He laughed on her comment.

"Insyirah.."

"Yes?"

"Jazakillah ukhti."

"Aha. Waiyyak enta. Lauk dah masak. Makan?"

And that was how things were for them two. Berjanji sampai ke hari tua untuk terus tsabat dan tabah atas jalan dakwah - as medical practitioners, as healers of the heart.

No Title

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

1.45pm
30 Jamadil Awwal 1439H
Mayo Medical Academy

This academy has become my new writing spot because we don't have wifi at home so it's a pain to write and suddenly then have it not saved if suddenly the laptop crashed or the sorts (which have yet to happen on any occasion alhamdulillah). OSCEs are another 7 days to go and I still have lists of things yet to be finished, practiced and rehearsed. The weather in Mayo is horrendous mashaAllah, with the snow and the rain and the hale. We do get the odd sunshine once in a while but the cold still could send chills to one spine.

Ilyani did a physical examination on me yesterday and we came to the conclusion that I had costochondritis which was localised to my left 4th and 5th intercostal space, medial to my axilla. It's actually quite painful sometimes when I breath in and out (pleuritic pain) on certain days, but if someone were to press on it, it's pretty tender alright. Because I have so much workload to finish, I don't think I have had a decent time to properly pen down anything worthy of reading let it be a reminder, a reflection or just a tadabbur of an ayat I had read for the day. I'm planning to actually use this post as a reminder for me to have for when I return back home for summer holidays. There are a few articles that I have promised myself to write on though I have failed tremendously to put any effort at even drafting them down.

So Summer Writing Pieces would be...
1. Reflection on Maududi's speech entitled Proses Revolusi Islam
2. Personal reflection on Obs and Gynae rotation in UHG
3. Opinion on the Obs and Gynae specialty - Why some female practitioners are not inclined to be part of the practicing specialty?

These 3 are loads already to prepare and write on. I have found that maybe this blog has returned to become it's old, quite and personal self-reflection canvas. It's nice to finally come back to that warm and cosy atmosphere yet I know for sure, that semua yang kita buat atas dunia akan disoal, thus I will not waste precious space of this canvas to be filled with unneeded emotional turmoil anymore inshaAllah.

Till then, pray for us 4th meds in NUIG here! May we pass the semester well, if not brilliantly. (huhu)

Life is Not a Structured Institution

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the Name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

7.40 pm
22 Jamadil Awwal 1439H
Mayo Medical Academy

Tis nearing the end of my second week in the psychiatric rotation. And although this is the rotation that I am very fond of, I have understood the challenges it entails if I agree to embark on the journey to become a consultant psychiatrist.

Alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah for the many ni'mah and the many musibah that Allah has coloured my life with. Though this has just been the month of February, I feel as though so many things has happened yet I am still at a lost in trying to expand my vocabulary or learning how to relay my ideas in a more matured manner - verbal and written.

Today's evening ward rounds were mostly of the normal patients the team has had since the past few weeks with an exception of two new patients - one admitted at the end of last week, the other being admitted yesterday. Now I'd like to talk about the patient that was admitted yesterday to the unit; a voluntary admission, a young lad. Early in his twenties, this man painted the clinical picture that was similar to a person that was previously close to me - very close to be exact. I have lost any contact with him since the beginning of this year and thus have no idea as to how he is progressing with life. Despite saying this, I really hope he is in better hands and is getting much needed support that I am unable to shower him with.

Listening to this gentleman speak, it just strucked me that they really do have such similarities sampai rasa kesian sangat as to how did jahiliyah attack us so deeply till we're wasting human potential to create a better ummah. This is not something local, this is a global phenomenon. Unfortunately, I will not list down the symptoms that the patient displayed nor will I elaborate much on the similarities that they both have.

After the interview, I went out to pray for a while and came back to find that the room was occupied with another patient and that it would be rude for me to just enter in the middle of a consultation. So I sat outside the room waiting for it to finish, and as I did so, I reflected on that interview I had previously with that 20 year-old gentleman. I thought about that friend of mine and how he might've suffered from the same problems this young man has, how it's only reasonable for him to act in the ways he did and how his words were actually really true,

"You're stronger than me."

I almost got on the phone to text my other friend to just randomly rant about this but I decided not to in the end. Too much spontaneity. Eventually I resorted to penning this down here.

"Wahai orang-orang yang beriman! Janganlah kamu mengikuti langkah-langkah syaitan. Barangsiapa mengikuti langkah-langkah syaitan, maka sesungguhnya dia (syaitan) menyuruh mengerjakan perbuatan keji dan mungkar.."

(Surah an-Nur, 24:21)

Penyusunan ayat ni diletakkan sebelum ayat 26 yang menceritakan tentang lelaki yg baik untuk perempuan yang baik dan vice versa, juga sebelum ayat 32-33 yang menjelaskan tuntutan menikah untuk menjaga diri. Duduk, reflect, hadam.

"...Kalau bukan kerana karunia Allah dan rahmatNya kepadamu, nescaya tidak seorang pun diantara kamu bersih (dari perbuatan keji dan mungkar itu) selama-lamanya, tetapi Allah membersihkan siapa yang Dia kehendaki. Dan Allah Maha Mendengar, Maha Mengetahui."

(Surah an-Nur, 24:21)

Seriously, other than the fact that I am totally amazed by how Allah structured Surah An-Nur to be like that, I am totally bewildered by the fact that Islam ni most definitely has the answers to all the problems that are surrounding the world today. I have always wondered how people can transgress so much and shift to different sides of themselves through the circumstances that they face. And when I sit down over the many ward rounds and family meetings held in the unit, I have finally understood why these patients have they illnesses. It's simply because we don't share the same environment of upbringing and living, we don't even have the same set of personalities or coping mechanisms. Sebab tu bersama keimanan ada amal. Sebab tu bersama Hablumminallah ada Hablumminannas. We compliment each other, we help each other out. Tu bukti keimanan kita.

Life is not a structured institution. Everyone faces different sets of experiences and gain different insight on the experience they go through. It is unfair to judge on a criteria that is solely based on our personal circumstances bahkan Allah tu bukan zalim untuk hanya memberi kemenangan dan kemuliaan kepada orang yang extrovert atau mereka yang menjadi pimpinan negara je. Yes, memang orang yang benar-benar beriman tu sedikit, but Allah doesn't discriminate people based on who they are and the character traits they have. Allah gives us the Quran and the lessons within it is so general that sesiapa pun boleh baca and relate to it. It's not specific to just a group of people from the same colour or race, it's a guidance to the whole mankind.

Kenapa weyh manusia taknak guna grr. T_T (den pulak emo huhu)

Coming out of that interview, I've understood that this world is completely mad and that I can no longer just stay put and allow more of the bright youths to succumb in that darkness. When I heard that young man open up, I tried my best to put up a poker face because I was really, literally very sad at knowing that he had to go through such an ordeal since a very young age. And to not be told of their real purpose of life and end goal just pains me. Macam nak cakap je, "It's okay, you have potential. You have always been Allah's slave, let's just go back to our roots and build ourselves from there."

But yeah, easier said than done. I can't even save that one friend I had and we were very, very close.

Memang Allah yang pegang hati
Memang Allah yang beri hidayah
But untuk kita hambaNya yang bergaul dengan hamba yang lain
Takkan sekadar nak tengok and buat tak tahu je

That gentleman may be just the one case in his community, but I tell you, depression is not an uncommon thing to find. So far, I have had 3 friends that were diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and all of that occurred within these 2 years. Life is not a structured institution, not everybody gets the same treatment and live with the same regime. There's so many external factors that shape us to who we are today, and there's this one immense internal force that keeps on hogging at us to fall on our knees to its wants and whims. That's why kita belajar from Surah An-Nas and Surah Al-Falaq about the Protector that we need to run to at all times, especially when we are tested with such distress.

And yes peeps, I know I should be writing about some really incredible tadabbur from a high-level point of view since I'm already at the age where I do need to be mature in my writing and substance. But I just can't run away from highlighting the basics because that's what I think we lack most in the community we are in today. Huu.

May Allah protect us in ways we can or cannot imagine, from those we can and cannot see.
May He guide us to be better muslims and committed daies.
May He give us ultimate victory in fighting our nafs and fighting for the Deen.

Ameen.

Can't Believe

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful

11.54pm
27 Rabiul Akhir 1439H
Castlebar

I can't really believe that I am here again after a month of silencing this blog due to the fact that I feel that it has been filled with non-beneficial emotional rants. It's 2018 and here I am with an even enormous responsibility to shoulder. Kak Diba is leaving the country in T-15 days and after that I'll be having an array of stuff to think, plan, and execute. Many things are again happening this year and I can't believe that I'll be in my final year soon (inshaAllah) in September.

Fast, yes everything is happening fast.

And I wonder how can people ever say that time is so slow when it is in fact proceeding at the speed of light. Weekend ni ada daurah nak kena prepare, case report lagi 2 minggu nak kena hantar.

Fuh, it's tiring already thinking about it.

Well, whatever it is Allah is with me, and He will be with me all the way.

May 2018 be a year filled with productivity, ilm and barakah.

May my writings be those that give benefit to the ummah.

May my happiness, sorrow and worries be that only for Allah and for the sake of dakwah.

May my days be filled with educating myself to be a better muslimah and da'ie

May all the people that I love be more closer to Allah in this coming year

And if I may die this year, may this blog and the people that have known me be the witness of my syahadah 

Wahua ma'akum aina ma kuntum

(Rabbi, please don't ever leave me)

Putting this here untuk mengingatkan diri that I have a mission to complete >.<