Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful
2 Syawal 1441H
12.16am
Balakong
More than 9 months has past since my last post and cobwebs have been surrounding this blog more than I can imagine. I took so long to write something in here, probably taking my sweet time to come with something that originates from the heart and not just to commemorate an event (thus explaining why I have delayed writing my thank you note to everyone that has attended my wedding *peluh besar*).
But fast forward 9 months,
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| This happened |
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| And this happened too - look at how much we expanded in 8 months |
And no, before someone starts speculating about my pregnancy status, I will say that I am not yet granted the chance to carry a little fella in my womb as of now. That being said, I am still very blessed to be where I am here today after many years of praying for what I have now.
A year has passed by since I actively participated in ward rounds and clerking patients. My clinical skills are rusty and my inclination towards pursuing a medical career is stagnating, though the time I spent just being around family and akhwats, breathing the reality of living in Malaysia and living as a person who thinks properly before she does something is truly a priceless gift I will not trade for anything, alhamdulillah.
Now, the last part probably is the most valuable asset this 1 year has given me.
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(Ingatlah) ketika isteri Imran berkata:" Tuhanku! Sesungguhnya aku nazarkan kepadaMu anak yang ada dalam kandunganku sebagai seorang yang bebas (dari segala urusan dunia untuk berkhidmat kepadaMu semata-mata), maka terimalah nazarku; sesungguhnya Engkaulah Yang Maha Mendengar, lagi Maha Mengetahui."
(Surah aali-Imran, 3:35)
Looking back, I have not yet done anything amazing after my return to Malaysia. I did not write a book, I did not finish my note taking, I may have increased my hafazan but it is just too little to be celebrated and I did not secure myself a stable liqa' whatsoever. Nonetheless like I said, I gain such precious time to observe, think and reflect on many aspects of living other than the academic notions included in my clinical studying and previous DnT upbringing.
Something I did not have, or to be exact, did not utilise previously.
When I heard the ayat from Surah aali-Imran during my husband's tazkirah on the first night of our marriage, it did not strike me much about the quality of what Maryam's mother prayed for her unborn child. But after weeks and months passing by as a married woman, Allah allowed me to reflect on this ayaah with a different light - a direction and way of thinking that is pivotal for my future as a wife, a mother and a trendsetter for the ummah.
Previously, I thought that I was thinking wisely. That I had a goal and an aim that was substantial enough to keep me pushing forward in life. This is however, still shallow thinking and when I was bombarded by a thousand an one questions from my akhwats, my relatives, and even myself, I find that I cannot answer them adequately. And that the aim I so highly value was not enough of an answer to solidify my decisions. The perks of living in Malaysia (for me that is) is that you have an abundance of people to act as references, living proofs and evidences to guide you in making important life choices. And one example of that important life choice is -
Marriage.
It is not my intention to go over the rigmarole or nuances of choosing a life partner, wedding plans and all the technicalities of finding the right person to sending out wedding invites.
What I am here to talk about is the whole idea of marriage and building a family.
What is your intention?
What is your goal?
How solid can it be for DnT?
How sure are you that you are ready to carry the burden of carving fine men and women for the ummah?
These important topics, really vital ones, where never discussed or thought of by myself in my head. And I know for sure, that if I was not in Malaysia mingling with those that had a bigger mindset and broader horizon on the topic, I would just go with the flow of kahwin, dapat anak, dapat lagi ramai anak, jadi consultant and so on, so forth.
I am not saying that that particular flow is wrong to follow.
It's just that it lacks depth.
And the institution of marriage is so sacred and invaluable for it to lack intensity in the vision of it's construction.
I got married anyway alhamdulillah despite that lacking.
And now the next big step that everyone hogs on me about is the question of children.
"Belum lagi ke?"
"Bila lagi nak mengandung?"
"Dah berisi ke belum?"
"Xyz dah ada dah, awak bila lagi?"
And the question goes on and on whenever people come and greet me, even over social media aha. Was I offended? Of course I was. At first I thought that it was just some sort of funny joke people make for newlyweds but as those questions keep on repeating itself, no normal wife can just smile and wipe off the agony-come-irritation of such remarks. Imagine if these questions keep continuing themselves for years and years. I can understand now, at least a bit, of how and what TTC couples are facing.
Yes, we are planning. So we take precautions.
So kenapa nak terasa sangat?
Any married woman would of course want a child of her own. And seeing so many couples cuddle their own baby and playing with their toddlers does sting a little when your womb is currently vacant.
It's human instincts to desire their own offsprings kan? Allah even mentions this in the Quran Himself.
"Dihiaskan (dan dijadikan indah) kepada manusia: kesukaan kepada benda-benda yang diingini nafsu, iaitu perempuan-perempuan dan anak-pinak; harta benda yang banyak bertimbun-timbun, dari emas dan perak; kuda peliharaan yang bertanda lagi terlatih; dan binatang-binatang ternak serta kebun-kebun tanaman. Semuanya itu ialah kesenangan hidup di dunia. Dan (ingatlah), pada sisi Allah ada tempat kembali yang sebaik-baiknya (iaitu Syurga)."
(Surah aali-Imran, 3:14)
But my child, is not designed to be the follow the flow child. She or he should not be born out of whims and merely instincts, and should not be born until I am ready to carry the responsibility of educating him/her.
This thought process was carefully crafted after witnessing so many of my akhwats struggle with their children. Yes it's cute to bring babies into your usrah and play with them when they are in a good mood. But the sleepless nights when they get cranky, and the ordeal of childcare vs at-home-maid, the responsibility of caring for them even when you have a bad day at work, breastfeeding and babies not latching to your nipple, cost of nappies and thinking about good baby food. This is a lot.
And that's just the baby phase.
What about the toddler phase?
The elementary school kid phase?
The raising up your kid in a modern and digital era?
And what about your spouse? What about your time as husband and wife, and your relationship as a couple + parents?
There are soo many things surrounding childcare and child-upbringing that I cannot just head into it headstrong with merely pure intentions of wanting to create the next generations of khalifatullah.
It's like suicide. It's like forsaking my children's future if I go in now with zero knowledge and prep.
Well, yes, maybe our parents did it without so much preparation and brought us up just great
Well, yes, maybe they learned along the way
Well, yes, they managed with everyone's help - family and friends
But to me, from my understanding and knowledge of our ultimate goal as Allah's caliph and 'abid in this world - our children are our future in upholding Allah's deen. If we can prepare so much for a presentation or a surgery, prepping ourselves or our patient up to ensure a good success rate, what more in the crafting of our beloved children.
You can never be 100% prepared, but you can take adequate measures to learn and understand on the important aspects of parenthood before diving in. Because once you're in, there's no turning back.
Like Maryam's mother, she prayed so hard to Allah. So sincerely and so clearly to Him. She knows what she wants from her child, and this is portrayed in her du'a. She knows her goal for the unborn child and she understands what is important, thus she prayed for it. For steadfastness of faith, for devotion to The One and Only Lord.
And because of that true sincerityc, coupled with proper preparations (of being pious herself, of choosing a pious spouse - Imran is said to be a pious man), Allah bestowed upon her Maryam that has been chosen to be the best woman of all mankind.
"Dan (ingatlah wahai Muhammad) ketika malaikat berkata: "Wahai Maryam! Sesungguhnya Allah telah memilihmu, dan mensucikanmu, dan telah memilihmu (beroleh kemuliaan) melebihi perempuan-perempuan seluruh alam (yang sezaman denganmu)."
(Surah aali-Imran, 3:42)
With this knowledge and enlightenment, I have begun reading a lot on strengthening my zeal and iman towards my faith, towards my belief in our toriq amal - maratib amal. I enrolled in an online course regarding marriage and parenting, all while I attend my usual routine of program dakwah dan tarbiyah, syura, familial responsibilities (which is now multiplied by two) and studying before entering HO.
Yes, I may not be superb or amazing at it. I am still very fresh in my marriage, apatah lagi my DnT experience but I am trying ya Allah. I am trying to be the best I can for You, to be the best for the Deen You blessed me with.
And for that, I need my prep. I think we all need prep and if you're already married with a child or two, it's okay. Just have the mindset of life-long learning, and start somewhere. It's never too late. Because it's not just medicine that evolves, the world itself evolves and children needs to be raised during the time and era that they live in - not in ours.
May Allah prepare us to be his humble and abiding servants in serving His Deen.
May Allah bless us with healthy and obedient children that put Allah above all else.
May Allah carve us to be the best parents we can for our children, parents of vision and parents of doing.
May we be the best for our parents, our children, our immediate and extended family, as well as the ummah at large.
Ameen Ya Rabbal alamin.
