A Note from The Heart

To the girl that has always believed in miracles

It's okay to sing a sad tune once in a while

But remember your biggest purpose okay?

And even if the future seems cloudy

And you worry over it countless of times

You'll find the love that you need

And the love that you want

They'll merge together as long as you follow the light

To the girl that believes in the unknown

Grow to be as a tree

That gives shade to those underneath

And fruits to those that throw stones at you

You were not born to bear hate

Nor could you ever do it yourself for your heart only knows how to love endlessly

Love exist

Peace exist

Contentment exist

And maybe you are the one Allah sent to deliver it

Because girl, don't you think He's been giving you so much more than your mind can ever count?

So,

To the one that cries almost everyday

Cry because of Allah

Cry because of your past misdeeds

Cry because you want to move forward

Cry because you want to begin anew

Sometimes starting something new doesn't really mean washing away all the stories of yesterday

Sometimes it begins with acceptance that things were meant to be like this

And all that needs to be repented, is actually past sins

To the girl that has learned to love beyond the subject of merely wanting

You're going to pass through this test

And you're going to meet the Love of your life soon

"Wahai manusia, sesungguhnya kamu telah bekerja keras menuju Tuhanmu, maka kamu akan menemuiNya."

And you're going to be happy

And you'll be content

And one day, no matter how ridiculously romantic it may sound, he'll find you

He'll find you based on His direction

And you'll be surprised

Oh gosh you'll be surprised

So to the girl that needs to walk as a woman now

Be strong okay?

Life will hit you hard

But let not your heart become rock solid

For the softest heart is what Allah loves

:)

When Breath Becomes Air

Tonight as I lie down on my bed, my face wet with tears, I am brought to a realization that books about venturing through the phase of inevitable death are books that give such deep insight in the quest of meaning; a searching only those brave enough will want to venture and endure till the end.

Tuesdays with Morrie, The Fault in Our Stars, When Breath Becomes Air; all three share a common ground in explaining what it is like to go through the prospect of dying - not in a mere metaphorical way, but in an honest, bare, and purposeful journey. Some books capture the lives of real people enduring the pain, some books encompass a more personal experience as the author becomes the storyteller of his/her predicament, while other books vividly display the essence of what it means to live or die even by depicting a fictional storyline.

Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiun

Sesungguhnya dari Allah kita datang dan kepadaNya kita kembali

Kullu nafsin dzaiqatul maut

Setiap yang hidup akan merasakan kematian

As I reflect on the words Paul Kalanithi writes in his book, I find such a deep connection to the setting he placed in it - mostly because I myself am pursuing a medical degree, with the idea of becoming a practicing doctor. Conflicts and dilemmas such as fatigue, long-hours, a wobbly personal relationship between husband and wife, family time and personal growth, all blend in too well with what I have buzzing around my head. If Paul was an ikhwah and was named Abdul instead, I would have bawled from the first page already.

The sacred duty of a physician and a human in search of meaning was a life that Paul continued to expand in his words. And the epilogue written by his wife Lucy, was the one that just broke the dam in my tear ducts, leaving me profusely 'bleeding' salted water from my eyes. This was a tale of how a man ventured into the realm of death, after him being the one delivering the news to his patients of the outcomes and options found after their CT brain scans. And this was a tale of how much an atrocity, an immense and heavy trial, can foster the true essence of what love is all about.

This book is definitely more than just a good read, it's reflective nature brings us to ask really important questions in life. And for me, the biggest take home message was to value the gifts Allah has given you with an enormous sense of gratitude and a dire urgency to utilize them well as all of them gifts have a time limit. Life is more than just the sadness and happiness one face, life is extracting meaning behind those events and connecting it back to the original plan of why it was given to us - those pain, laughter, smiles and tears.

Kerana mereka yg beriman itu adalah mereka yg redha dgn ketentuan Allah kpd mereka. Maka akhirnya Allah meredhai mereka, dan mengurniakan mereka syurga abadi. Where all physical, emotional pain simply doesn't exist.

#tazkiyahseorangsabr

Ratusan Hari

Ratusan hari telah berlalu

Sejak hari pertama disapa tarbiyah

Banyak yg sakit

Banyak yg harus dikorbankan

Tetapi

Terlalu banyak yg baik

Yg indah

Dan yg manis

I'll heal through this

And Allah will save me

As long as I am willing to make the first move

And keep steadfast on it

Sabr,

Hang in there okay?

Nastaghfirullah

Byk sgt dosa kami ya Allah

Moga diampunkan

Setiap sangkaan buruk

Setiap perbuatan sendi

Setiap luahan kata

Yg tak bersandarkan al-wahyu

Yg berunsurkan al-hawa' semata

We'll get there

Jannah is our aim right?

Fear

I'm scared to believe that happiness exist
I'm scared to believe that hope exist
I'm scared to be happy, because I fear the sadness that comes after every smile
I'm scared to love, because I think pain comes haunting my bones afterwards

I'm scared to move, feel or speak
I'm scared to engage in deep conversations

The idea that people can lie, hurt and betray keeps on coming
The idea that people can smile and be happy while you wither to death keeps on coming
Black, black, sorrowful thoughts are looming

Fear is building up on me
More than hope is

Khauf dan raja'
Pada Allah je bukan?

But why am I becoming so fearful of everything I used to once cherish so preciously?

I'm scared to be positive
Because I'm scared of losing it one day
One day when I needed it the most

Despite sunshine
I feel like staying in the dark
I'm becoming scared to love others
As the only piece left in me crumbles

"Sabr,
Have patience please?
Please just don't lose the smile and kindness, and closeness to Allah that you have."
That small dot of hope in my heart speaks

Central, crushing pain
Do I have angina?
Or is the emotional pain coming at me again?

Within Me

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

I pray only to Allah for guidance in the things that I do
And may the words that I write will be guided by Him and not by my nafs

...

To be honest,
I don't think anybody reads my blog
Let alone obtain anything decent from it
Recently I have been faced with a trial that is tormenting my soul
And ripping me apart internally

Despite knowing the nature of a trial
In which Allah is actually cleansing me of my past sins, and cleansing me of my jahiliyah
I still fail countless of times
To stop my heart from aching
To stop my tears from crying of the same reason
And my thoughts from being suicidal

Yes,
I try to talk it over with my friends and family
And I have had tremendous support from those around me
In fact,
I have my exams to shift my focus from the 'petty' trial
To something that is pertinent in my studies as a medical student

Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal

Yet deep down,
Only Allah knows how much I've suffered, am suffering, and will be suffering

I tell myself everyday to grow up
Move forward
And stop reminiscing
I tell myself that I need to stop making up stories of the future
Don't hope for any rainbows
Don't breed vengeance
And don't act or feel ill because of remorse

Writing eases me
And it brings me to perspective on the things that I'm facing in life
So despite knowing that nobody actually ventures in this blog of mine
I'd still like to say
That I might be emotional and personal in my writings
For God knows how long of a time

So if anybody reads on the next chapters of my life,
Please bear with my words and paragraphs
The emotions and pain that I weave in my script here

"Awak kena cari cara utk cope dengan stress awak. Memang kita kena doa and solat, tapi Allah takkan ubah nasib kita kalau kita tak ubah apa yg ada dalam diri kita dulu kan?"

So this canvas
Is my way of coping with perils of life
Happy or sorrow
I'll continue to write
I don't think I'll ever stop
Because trials and tribulations never do

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah I begin and I end
To him I came from, to Him I will return

If you've read till the end
Mohon doakan seorang Sabreena ye?

Jazakumullahu khayran.

Pain

If only emotional pain had an analgesia that can be consumed
I would have it continuously infused into my central vein
Hoping that it will stop the physical ache that's crushing my chest

"Dan kami pasti akan menguji kamu dengan sedikit ketakutan, kelaparan, kekurangan harta, jiwa, dan buah-buahan. Dan sampaikanlah khabar gembira kepada orang-orang yg sabar, (iaitu) orang-orang yg apabila ditimpa musibah, mereka berkata 'Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiun'."

(Surah Al-Baqarah,2:155-156)

If I could ask for how to die

I hope to die like this
With the Quran on my hand
And me sleeping on the bus, on my way to usrah