Jatuh Bangun

Tuhan itu Maha Mengetahui segala sesuatu. Aku dan kau tiada mampu untuk menetapkan apa-apa dalam hidup kita kerana Tuhan itu adalah sebaik-baik penyusun. Dan Tuhan itu adalah yang memberi keputusan sedangkan kita hanyalah manusia lemah, tiada daya untuk menolak ketentuanNya.

These days I end up losing most of my sanity in fighting myself. Simply because I am far from the 'Gardens of Paradise' and my parents do not look at it as any significant aspect that can sustain my 'life' at all. *sigh* Losing myself one way or the other is also my own decision to blame because of all the things I did, none were beneficial enough to protect myself. I can give out a gazillion effectors to blame on my current state. However, to list out the many reasons and factors wouldn't be smart would it?

This has got me thinking that I have been far too childish in my approach to battle my inner nafs. I keep on trying to find an external solution to something that is sprouting from within me. The evil that is to blame is none other than me, myself and I. To me, nobody can actually understand you wholly. Some people can understand you in one aspect, while the other person can understand you in ten aspects. One person can get why you chose purple instead of yellow, while the other person just goes insane belittling even the thought of having to chose colours in buying a water bottle. And these are just simple examples to all the daily dramas we have to face every single day in our human lives. True, there are people who get you so well that they potentially hit the title 'Soulmate' in your life dictionary, but to be honest, we still do keep secrets from the closest of people we have around us because we are afraid that at the end of the day, our 'Soulmate' will fail to be our 'Soulmate' because nobody can actually love you unconditionally without bashing your head to the wall several times. (This is just an expression; an over-exaggerating one)

So, this place is kept sacred to only one entity that knows ALL of our weaknesses and carelessness, acknowledge ALL of our stupid mistakes and tolerates with ALL our ignorant behaviour, yet is still so loving, kind and forgiving. And who else can take the spot other than Allah?

What you don't believe me?

"Allah hendak memberikan keringanan kepadamu, kerana manusia diciptakan bersifat lemah." (4:28)

"Sungguh, manusia diciptakan bersifat suka mengeluh. Apabila dia ditimpa kesusahan dia berkeluh kesah." (70:19-20)

"Sesungguhnya mereka itu mencintai kehidupan (dunia) dan meninggalkan hari yang berat (hari kiamat) dibelakangnya." (77:27)

See? Doesn't He know alot about us already? How we're so messed up and problematic. Yet why is He still compassionate?

"Katakanlah, 'Wahai hamba-hambaKu yang melampaui batas terhadap diri mereka sendiri! Janganlah kamu berputus asa dari rahmat Allah. Sesungguhnya Allah mengampuni dosa-dosa semuanya. Sungguh, Dialah Yang Maha Pengampun, Maha Penyayang." (39:53)

*cries slow tears*

Don't you think that it's just too much to act so bad when Allah is so, so, incredibly kind?

For many years, I have been blinded by the fact that nobody cared deeply nor truly understand all the battles I had to face. But every time I come to the Quran or let myself weep on the praying mat, only then did I find my true friend, my soulmate, my one and only, my beloved - Allah. It is a daunting prospect writing this when I, myself am not truly holding on to every piece of word I write. Kerana fitrah manusia itu jatuh dan bangun, fitrah iman itu yazid wa yanquz, fitrah hati itu mudah berbolak-balik. Maka saya tujukan bingkisan ini bukan pada sekalian manusia, tetapi pada hati dan diri saya sendiri because reminders benefit the believers.

"Katakanlah, 'Jika kamu mencintai Allah, ikutilah aku, nescaya Allah mencintaimu dan mengampuni dosa-dosamu.' Allah Maha Pengampun, Maha Penyayang."

(3:31)

"Berlarilah kembali kepada Tuhanmu sayang."

Past Affairs

It has been 6 years since I last smelled the air in Terengganu, buried my feet inside the sand and set foot at my previous alma mater; MRSM Kuala Terengganu. Permusafiran kini akan berakhir dengan hanya aku mengimbau kembali sejarah lama yang aku sendiri tidak pasti mampu atau tidak untuk menggerakkan aku kembali. Setiap ceruk di maktab lama itu tersimpan seribu satu memori zaman hingusan aku bersama Syasya, Mcha, As, Ain, Pieyah dan Aina.

To be honest, I think I have changed so much from the me before and it's enough for me to know what it is that I have become compared to who I was in my yesteryears. August itself is a very hectic month, having to juggle both emotionally and critically with the many events scheduled I am not sure if I am ready to go back yet. The thought is daunting everytime I have to think about it, though I am not panicking over anything petty. Just the normal anxiousness that it's less than a month till I arrive back in Dublin to resume my duties as a medical student. To talk about tarbiyyah is another thing altogether when it comes to what I am going through and to think that I've got it all covered is a mistake I made too soon during this summer holiday.

Some questions are answered, some are left hanging. New questions emerge and past confusions are kept neatly for another day till it can finally be solved. I am not whining, I am not even making a point for others to pity me. But how I wish I knew how to stop being childish and stand firm on my two feet without having to lose the many happiness I have  around me.

Tuhan, adakah sebenarnya istidraj segala kebaikan yang kau beri ini? Adakah sebenarnya aku sebagai hambaMu ini telah terlalu jauh sehinggakan masa lampauku datang menghantuiku kembali? 

All in all, I know these are mere delusions trying to pull my leg down and my heart apart from becoming firmer in this chosen path. I pray Allah grant us ease and strength in all the goodness that we try to spread in order for Islam to finally regain its rightful name and glory.

Ameen.

Untuk selamanya

10 Jun 2015

Kediaman Aminudin Baki

0721

Semalam dalam lingkungan jam 1745 atau lebih awal daripada itu, maktok telah pergi buat selamanya dari dunia sementara ini - menghadap hidup seterusnya di alam sana. Pada ketika aku sangka mampu menulis satu lagi coretan menceritakan karenahnya dirumah, coretan pemergiannya pula yang menjadi pengakhir kalam aku.

Pagi-pagi kami tidak akan pernah sama tanpamu maktok. Isi rumah kami akan berbeza kini. Moga kau tenang di alam yang lagi satu dan moga Allah ketemukan kita dalam kalangan mereka yang beriman.

Amin, amin, ya rabbal alamin.

Ikramul Kareem

6 Jun 2015

0137

Wad Geriatrik U13

Jam sudah menunjukkan bahawa tanggal 5 Jun telah berakhir sejam yang lalu dan aku kini sedang duduk diatas kerusi melihat nenekku yang sedang buas meragam diatas katil menahan geram atau sakit, itu aku tak tahu. Tangan kirinya diangkat, dihayunkan dan digesel ke arah bantal, katil dan besi penghadang tanpa mampu dijangka momentumnya. Kini maktok mula mengerang kesakitan sambil memanggil 'Mak, mak, mak!' Jeritannya yang terakhir begitu lantang, namun aku pasti jiran pesakit lain sudah lali dengan karenahnya. 

Maktok akan di-discharge-kan esok kata doktor. Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal, aku menghela nafas panjang melihat maktok mula menggerak-gerakkan tangannya kesana kemari seperti ingin menghalau lalat yang hinggap di pangkal lengannya. Melihat keadaan maktok sekarang yang semakin kuat menjerit, memekik dan memarahi orang sekelilingnya, dia bukan lagi nenekku yang dahulu.

Delirium.

Itu kata doktor tentang keadaan nenekku sekarang. Sangkaanku dementia with some hallucinations tapi aku tidaklah pakar untuk terus membuat diagnosis terhadap nenekku yang usianya sudah menginjak angka 90. Lagu Ikramul Kareem nyanyian UNIC berkumandang di telinga, aku buat sebagai teman aku pada malam ini untuk berjaga melihat maktok agar tangannya tidak lagi terlanggar besi sejuk yang menghadang sisi kiri, kanan dan atas katilnya. 

Melihat nenekku yang sedang mengeluarkan bunyi yang tidak dapat ditafsirkan itu diselangi lagu CintaMu nyanyian Hani & Zue, tiba-tiba aku teringat bahawa lagu Ikramul Kareem yang bakal dimainkan playlist telefon bimbitku sudah setahun sudah aku kenali. Hampir setahun sudah aku tidak ketemu Suhana dan Fatihah. Hampir setahun sudah aku tidak duduk bergurau dengan Atiq dan Hana Jackney. Hampir setahun Liyana Osman tidakku tenyeh pipi dan peluk kuat. Hampir setahun aku tidak duduk makan talam dengan pasukan crack-otak-buat-dan-pergi-program-fikir-pasal-keadaan-batch-dan-adik-adik-macam-takde-exam-IB-kena-amek. Rindu. Sungguh. Amat.

Pada kesunyian waktu malam ini aku tahu bahawa penemanku tatkala suka duka yang sentiasa ada hanyalah Dia. Dan dalam pencarian hakikatku dalam kehidupan dunia ini, Allah kurniakan aku mereka. Mereka yang sama-sama lentok kepala semasa bacaan tasbih mathurat kubra di pagi hari, mereka yang picit-picit bahuku tatkala aku terjatuh 'pengsan' semasa taujihat akak-akak dan ustaz, mereka yang menyuapku nasi-biskut-kuih-kek dan segala juadah yang Kak Farah bawa ketika usrah atau semasa daurah. Ya Tuhan, sungguh nikmat kau itu tiada batas. Dan indahnya ikatan itu bukanlah pada kemanisannya sahaja, tetapi pada curhat malam-malam bersama mereka, syuro pecah kepala susun isi daurah, takaful kongsi bayar duit tambang bersama untuk yang tak mampu, perjalanan balik jaulah yang mencabar, semuanya terlalu berharga.

Bantal maktok sudah dua yang dia mahu jatuhkan. Ubatnya tidak aku beri sepenuhnya sebab dia separa sedar dan cubaan awalku tidak berjaya kerana dia hanya membuka mulutnya, tetapi lidah dan tekaknya menolak isi ubat itu ditelan. Susu Ensure perisa coklat tiga paket itu juga tidak disentuh lagi walau satu kerana maktok nampaknya hanya mahu menari diatas katilnya dan bukan menerima apa-apa untuk dimasukkan ke dalam perut.

Nampak gayanya tiada tidur buatku malam ini kerana aku khuatir dalam tarian maktok itu dia akan terjatuh tersembam ke bumi. Mungkin 10-15 minit memadai untuk buat cukup syarat mampu solat tahajjud, boleh aku luahkan rindu pada Tuhan. Biarlah sudah banyak beza arah perjalanan hidup kami, biarlah walau mungkin tidak mampu ketemu lagi, temukanlah kami dibawah naunganMu dan jadikanlah kami mereka yang bertemu dan berpisah keranaMu.

Wahai Tuhan yang membolak-balikkan hati, tetapkanlah kami pada jalan agamaMu.

Phosphenes: Prologue

APG's recent blogpost read, IKIM on her earphones; some random poem being recited with the background sound of lapping water and melodious piano, it was already 1 am in the morning. 2 weeks. 2 weeks since touchdown, 2 weeks since she's been breathing fresh air, 2 weeks since homecoming with so much in mind - besides being confined to a 4 wall compartment with a sliding door as the only way to move out of the claustrophobic room dismissing the windows to prevent any suicidal attempt of freedom.

It has been 14 days since her arrival back home from the land of Shamrock and pot o' golds at the end of the rainbow. On the hospital bed, she wriggled her legs and arm. 'Istikharah Cinta' by Sigma was being played that night. Not her favourite song really - the whole lovy dovy part of nasyid songs never was the best part of why she had changed to this pallete of tunes but it was better than some vulgar, sex-craving, typical mainstream songs on the global music charts. 

"If good dudes only want pure as white , innocent and angelic girls then I bet I'll never find myself good husband would I?"

She sighed, glancing at her drip on the right side still intact on her skin giving way for NaCl to flow inside her veins to maintain her blood pressure. It was a 'great' way to begin her summer holidays; being stuck inside a cubicle with three other girls, a BP monitor strapped on her left arm and ECG electrodes on her chest still yet to be removed. The worst part of the 'great' vacation package away from home is that she could not get her eyes to close at all when it's already late at night.

'Haish, tidurlah cepat badan oi. Kang tak larat bangun qiam. Nak kena panggil nurse lagi tolong bawak pergi tandas ambil wudhu'. Hmmmm.'

Ustaz Pahrol Juoi is continuing his lecture explaining how wealth, fame, power and women are all of the worldly Dunya and how that brings us to the many crimes that are occuring worldwide. He then adds up that as Muslims, we should shift our mind to focus on to the love of Akhirah and not the love of Dunya. Quoting Dr Yusof Qardawi, 'Mencintai syurga bukan maksud meminggirkan Dunia tetapi menggunakannya untuk mencapai akhirat itu.'

Flashes of the past came back to her mind as she started to remember who and what she was back then.

'A rebel. Selfish snob. Kedekut. No goody-goody-two-shoes. No tudung labuh macam ustazah pilihan.'

She then slowly reached towards her hijab, slightly pulling a small portion of the cloth upward so that she could have a look at it. A view of her long grey lycra, instant hijab that covered her head and chest came into sight and suddenly a small smile curved against her light brown skin. Although it was bedtime, because they had male attendants running around doing their duties in the ward, she still had to cover up properly. No kind of 'darurat' when you can still maintain your sanity and having functioning limbs.

'Lain, beza. Aku dulu, aku sekarang. That was me, this is I. Bunyi macam ayat Dania Dashrin sudehh. Haha."

As the night continue to slowly move at its pace following the fitrah Allah set it to be, Insyirah closed her eyes and positioned herself properly on bed, ensuring that her drips were out of way so that no bodily fluid would spill on her mattress when she doze off to sleep that night. Tomorrow is her day of discharge and although she'll be having blood transfusions daily for the next five days in the hospital, at least home wouldn't be as dreary as her cubicle now.

'Dunia itu sebagai alat. Akhirat itu sebagai matlamat' Ustaz Pahrol's voice was heard near her last brink of consciousness before she was taken away to deep slumber.

Our Syahadah

I have a great friend. And she writes beautiful words. I might as well can say that she's as close to me as Hlovate is. Her words bring about a smile in my face indescribable every time I open her blog to see how life is for her.

To me, words are magical. They tell tales far too subtle for the eyes to observe and the mind to guess. Writing and reading are my favourite past time and once I get my hands on a good book and an incredible idea to write, nothing else would stop me from getting myself into those two - except maybe, a slight hint of procrastination.

*slight laugh*

This friend of mine talks about tarbiyyah like it means the life to her and as far as I am concern, that also is what Hlovate tries to display in his/her writings. And it should be. Shouldn't a life that rescued you from the depths of hellfire and puts you into the light after darkness be a life to cherish the most?

It's a remarkable feeling to view many of my friends slowly 'growing' up to be the rijals we all wanted to become once upon a time together; only before we were probably too scared to take the first step. And now, being miles away from home, I believe we have developed much courage to get into the game like Dania Dashrin after a year in Aberdeen.

To this girl who writes at unprecentedsoul.blogspot.com (check her out people!) and so many other friends of mine who write the most beautiful captions on Instagram and sharings on Facebook (even if it's copy paste), know that you have touched my heart and if Allah wills, I would want to be the witness for your syahadah.

Will you be mine?

Pergi

1 Jun 2015

0504

Wad Geriatrik U13

Pakcik dihadapan katil maktok sudah pergi. Daripada susuk gaya salah seorang anak lelakinya, nampak betul sangkaan aku itu. Awal pagi semasa aku hendak pergi meletakkan kerusi tidurku di bilik stor, aku bertanyakan khabar atuk itu kepada cucunya.

"Tak berapa bagus. Tunggu masa tutup mata sahaja."

Dua orang jururawat yang bertugas malam ini sedang melakukan sesuatu disebalik tirai dalam cubicle atuk berbangsa Cina yang umurnya sudah lanjut seperti usia nenekku. Cuma, beza maktok dan atuk itu ialah sementara maktok masih lagi mampu mengeluarkan bunyi dari bibirnya, atuk itu sudah sunyi sepi. Tiada lagi gerak tangannya seperti waktu petang tadi semasa dia dipindahkan ke cubicle HDU (high dependency unit) bersama kami bertiga. Maktok yang sudah stabil keadaan sepatutnya dipindahkan ke cubicle belakang, tetapi disebabkan keadaan atuk; penghuni baru cubicle HDU terlalu kritikal, maka ditangguhkan dahulu perpindahan maktok. 

"I wonder if working in the hospital, you get so used to all these deaths occuring."

Itu soalan kakak Abang Leong pada aku semasa kami menunggu masa untuk masuk kedalam cubicle malam semalam. Semasa atuk melalui Code Red, tidak dibenarkan sesiapa selain doktor dan jururawat untuk masuk kedalam cubicke itu. Maka kami; penjaga shift malam pun terpaksa tunggu diluar. Mahu saja aku menjawab tetapi terlebih dahulu sister yang selalu datang berkunjung ke cubicle kami mengambil peluang untuk berkongsi petua yang dia dapat daripada kawan Buddhist-nya untuk tabur cuka dan garam keliling rumah ala-ala mau buang bala. Aku mendengar sahaja perbualan mereka dengan senyum sumbing. Ada-ada sahaja petua yang hendak dikongsi. 

Alhamdulillah, Anthem sudah aku khatamkan. Dan seperti biasa, tiada pernah karya Hlovate yang tidak berjaya buat aku tersentuh dan mahu kembali semula meniti maksud untuk berubah keranaNya.

Syahadatul Haq

Ahamiyatul Tarbiyyah

Sayonara Jahiliyah

Peranan Pelajar dalam Membina Masa Depan Dunia

Serius. Best. Tapi memang kalahlah kalau kita bandingkan dengan buat sesi bedah ayat Quran daripada Ustaz Fizz Fairuz (nama dibedal ikut suka hati penulis). Namun, buku novel setebal 593 mukasurat itu sangat refreshing. Refresh niat especially. 

Maktok masih dengan bunyi anehnya manakala jururawat sudah keluar masuk bahagian katil atuk di hadapan. Kehidupan itu adalah kurniaan Dia. Ada yang dipulangkan nyawa semula pada siang hari, ada yang disimpan selamanya tanpa diberi peluang untuk membuat rayuan bertulis. Itu namanya setiap yang hidup akan merasakan mati. Ajal itu sudah Allah tulis buat kita dan sudah Rasulullah sampaikan melalui hadith 4 dalam kitab Hadith 40 Imam Nawawi.

Sungguh bila sudah tiba masa, lari ke mana pun pasti ajal akan menjemput. Dan bila sudah ditarik nyawa, amal mana yang akan dipersembahkan, siapa pula yang akan menjadi saksi amal itu?