Dreams and Vomit

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
In the name of Allah, The Most Merciful, Most Gracious

Such a title

As always, being dramatic is so ingrained within me - it helps me joke around my life circumstances with dark humour

Anyhow,

Alhamdulillah I finally am writing this piece that I have been wanting to write since 3 weeks ago. A title I already have running around my head and the basic content of what I want to pen down (or type down if that makes any sense). Well to be honest, the first half was the original title. I had to add the second part because I feel so overwhelmed to the point of bloatedness and vomiting the stress out.

Today wasn't good. I lied down the whole day and was so down in the dumps - woke up feeling exhausted but still tried to pull through. Reheated yesterday's dinner for the family's lunch and slept with Ali after Zuhur curled up on the carpet with all the toys scattered around and the clothes unfolded, not dried in the washing machine. I didn't go to scan practicals today and felt such a loser for waking up late, extremely tired to even get up for a shower.

It was bad.

But I got up.

And I did shower, played with Ali and went to teach mengaji to the kids. Then I went to usrah all smiley-faced like nothing happened when in fact I was in such a situation that I was holding back my nausea while driving to Bangi.

It was that bad.

But khayr,

Alhamdulillah,

I survived 4th February.

So that's the vomit part, what about the dreams?

About two months ago, one of my good friends and personal therapist told me that I have forgotten to dream. The putting a life-goal and mission type of dream. I knew what I had to do in life - abid and khalifah and all - but I didn't have anything to look forward too. When I told her that I will be attending classes for ultrasound on obgyn, she was ecstatic for me - with a tinge of concern, because new addition to my schedule may help me look forward to life but I would need to prepare myself to deal with the new challenges that come with the added commitment.

January passed by and alhamdulillah I survived the hecticness. But during the first month of 2025, I find myself having repetitive dreams of certain people that actually have not been in my life for nearly a decade. And that, caused me to be half annoyed, a quarter confused and a quarter curious.

Like...

Dah kenapa kan?

It came haunting almost every other night that I told myself I had to put an end to it.

And so I did.

I really did something random.

And right afterwards (together with a lot of introspection and reflection) stopped the dreams and made amends with myself - because you only dream what you desire innit?

I find myself searching for support

For comfort

And for appreciation

For space and for reciprocal yearning

That I felt was lost during the period of January up till now

Maybe even longer (because them dreams actually started even since last year)

I told myself - with the help of Allah guiding my lost soul - that I need to make peace with myself and my current state

And I come back to seek solace and support by reading books

With the one book that hit home - Rukun Amal IHAB by Dr Ali Abdul Halim Mahmud

Videos of women from Ghazzah who are so steadfast shook me

And reminded me of my core, my purpose, and my ultimate goal

Allah.

I have sacrificed so much since the start of getting to know You, Ya Rabb

And You have given me so much more that I could ever ask for

So everyday when shaytan goes and whisper (sometimes he even gives visuals or use a microphone to bicker my mind and thoughts), I tell myself to be grateful for what You have given

Because You will truly add on them

And You will truly piece back what I found lost and what I yearn

It's okay

It will be okay
And I don't need humans to remind me of it

When I have You with me always

Ya Rabb

Help me, protect me, aid me and allow me to only suffice with You

Hasbunallah wa ni'ma wakeel

P.S: Again, this post is just word vommit.
If you've come this far, please make du'a for me (nanti will be prayed back at you by the angels :'))